maps

…If i were to conceal my yearning to tell you..


That concept,
revokes what destiny emancipated between us.

We are.

In cosmologic language revolved around eachother
Just to balance the universe.

I envisioned histories prescribed in evolved canvases, towering so you can only look up to them.

Are we…

What envokes simple epiphany.

Manifesting time and place as our slate to encrypting fragments of scattered passions,
precisely placed at turning points as incentives to initiate inspiration.

Check.
You, assimilate words to control…
so each has every fine tangible detail.
Perfectly cut into meaningful combinations to express illumination of your speech.

remember, the penetration of your potenial posseses an unconditional promise

inevitable happiness
that endures proclamations of false beliefs.

And I vow to unlock the chaos behind your lips. So this embrace of your being holds justice to what anyone could define in you.
I’m trying subsequently to handle with care the last remnants fossilised in our plateau.
Each crumbling day,
each treasure taken away.
The imprints of our shadows flock and hold onto fading memories, hoping the two of us will meet again in the next lifetime.
Or just right now..

Now just make it right in the methods foretold in our translucent vivid symphonies,
… so dreams could be jealous of realitys’ depiction.
And we can continue to conspire ways to find eachothers sentimental value hiding within.

Its there.

this is an old freewrite i found about a year ago...

10/18/08
6:40 to 6:45pm

my purple skies
never met the sleeves
of night time. The
sun never set in my heart,
maybe thats why the golden
flower still grows on its own island
where it sits quietly singing the
notes of the wind, hopefully it will
reach our ears again, reminding us
that love grows in the beautifullest of places
its just we have to find it where we left it,
Do you remember where we left it? behind the Tree
stump i sprayed it on, under the gravel we traversed through,
swimming on the surface of the waves, lost in the hairs of
paintbrushes, somewhere in evaporated smoke from our lungs, ingredients
to our favorite ice creams, in the caps to our biggest boss sauces,
at the tip of the needle that pleasures our ears at the touch
of vinyl, sleeping in throw pillows, in my transmission switching gears
somewhere on haight scavenging for change
mixing in apple juices and slap my face alcoholic moments
never remembering forgetting phone nights
do you remember where
we left it?
because i know that the clues lie in my heart...
maybe your the last piece...

Walk Away

wrote long time ago

i walk away resisting the crack of my neck,
never looking back to the path
where i hung my heart on the tree we grew together,
i keep my head up, reminding myself
how high the life i lived with you was so close to the sun,
always bright and warming to the soul
but never losing its potential,
and my head still hurts from clashing
our metaphoric mental memories agaisnt eachother
not knowing the impact would paint a story so valuable to creativity,
so i leave subliminal messages in the canvases
i leave for you to admire, reminding me to smile again
about how our life began,
but i sit here "half crazy"s" resonating through my 'ear drum',
but 'hot thing' i would tread 'across the universe'
for this moment to last a lifetime in paint tubes
to be found years later for other lovers
to create what real passion is.
and to believe something like this ever existed
is as vivid as the nights moon reflection on your vibrant caramel complection.
dark skin tone tattoed as your right to reign queen
and conquer all with your peace.
but im sorry my queen, dont look down for me
i will be far long beyond your sight
hoping your eyes be blessed with love more meant for your intent.
let my footsteps imprint thoughts
to be only left as remnants of what we had,
because i have to walk away knowing
i cut you deeply leaving it all behind
in the gold coloring book left in the crates of records
that inspired our hearts to weave together.
so im sorry and goodbye and for now i walk away not looking back at what could of been...

happy anniversary grandma

i know i have put this up
but its been 4 years yesterday since grandma left and i just wanted to put it up for her again

orignal post
GRANDMA... By EJ

This morning I woke up
And you were already up
You were in the kitchen about to cook
Me some bacon…
I told you grandma
I’m going to school
When I come home cook ok…
I said goodbye
Not knowing it was my last goodbye into the
Clear crystal blue brown eyes of you…
Your last words to me
“drive safely”
and that’s all I can remember
standing there was my last image…of you
getting ready to cook me my breakfast..
it keeps replaying in my head
why didn’t I sit down and eat with you
why didn’t I sit down and thank you
at work
I was getting all these calls and I cant check um..
I get a emergency
Blind to see the truth that was awaiting me
I denied the truth and believed in my own reality…
But in the 15 min drive
My whole life flashed before my eyes…
At 18 it would be my first closest lost..
But in myself I was already lost
18 years ago you were there
till this morning you were here
in my heart you were there
and in my heart you still are here
in my eyes you are a FILIPINA
Filipina pioneer
Paved the way for generations to come
Stood up for the generations to come
Loved and took care of me for my next generations to come
I remember as a little one
I never left you
I was always next to you
I never slept anywhere else except
Between you and grandpa…
Even when I moved away I came back and still slept with you…
You disciplined me when I was young…
You Flashed me when I was wrong…
It was the sickest thing I’ve ever seen
But your point always got across to me…
Even though I couldn’t understand…your point got across..
Cuz you are strong...
Grandma you are strong...
I thought I lost you before
But you came back and supported me even more
And this brings me to thanking you
But losing you left me empty with a blank history of
What you went through for me…
Like Jose Rizal once said
“Those who don’t recognize where they came from, will never get where they are going…”
I was tossed into the slaughter house
And muted of my native tongue
It was the one thing that would have connected our souls
It was the one element that would have created the
More being of me
It would have completed my history..
ALL I WANTED WITH YOU WAS A CONVERSATION…
I WAS ROBBED OF MY TONGUE AND I WAS ROBBED of MY TIME WITH YOU
Becuz I would always struggle just trying to say
I love you…
Grandma..
All those times at the kitchen table…silence…
I wasn’t hungry to eat my food
I was hungry to entertain you..
Grandma I wanted to know how you got to be you…
I just wanted your advice
But everytime it came out
It was foreign to my ears…and I would stand there and stare…
Wanting to understand
Grandma...
I want to understand you…
And this morning was my last chance…
And flash…
I’m running to the emergency room...silence again..
I open the door to a utopian white room
With you in the center
Grandma…
Grandma…grandma...
Grandma wake up
I want to say hi…
Grandma, I didn’t get to cook your rice...
Grandma please open your eyes…
And everytime I cried on your face I thought your eyelids opened
But reality collapsed on me
And again my heart broken..

Grandma…
Grandma
I’m sorry I didn’t eat breakfast with you…thank you...
I hold your hand...
Kiss your forehead
Close me eyes and say goodbye….

Goodbye to piece of my history
That lied in your life
Thank you for always being true…
Thank you…
I love you…
Grandma…

RIP

she...

you ly covered between hidden legacies of history
laced into every single breath taken
by any person who can come to self realiztion
that you are not our burden
i bear witness to anyone who dare confronts this opression
because its gone too far for too long
i cant keep this tradition
from lingering into your mind set
so i accuse you for not knowing yet
that our queens ly dormant
under decades of discrimination
and segregation...but we must be reminded
that they once ruled our lands or i mean Hearts
as they still do in mine
this is an ode to my queens from all countries
and i will risk it all just for your story to be told

i will raise my voice and lift spirits
sing your songs so your people
will know every word
because no one has the right
to denegrate the eloquence you speak
and ive seen so many voices pushed down
because of sisters who dont believe
that they have a choice
so heres your chance
QUEENS! let your hearts Fucken SING!
because thats all you need
to overcome this disease and be free

and your so much better than you think
cuz ive seen so many eyes stare you
up and down your figure...it doesnt matter
they should keep their eyes on yours
because if they really knew you
then they would realize you have so much
to offer beyond premium jeans and face-covers

and i hate when i see that they dont treat you right
id be so grateful that i have a queen with her culture
embedded into her sleeves, her beauty draped in her voice
and her dignitiy hung around her neck
because it was within her embrace that I exist
and when she speaks
silence becomes jealous from the beauty her voice sings
and no, youve never seen what really burns
until youve learned that our queens were burned
deeply rooted nightmares echoe through their minds
so dont say you could relate
because you dont fit Her shoes...

and i pray every night that we become
one step closer to your emancipation
i know youve been through too much
but i know my vision
you are pure PASSION
so I PASS ON my inspiration
to those who want to know that our women
are the true blessings given by gods grace from heaven

and i hope my women have enough will
to portray themselves as queens
wear their golden pendants in their chests proudly
walk down the streets without doubting
reach their goals struggling
and smile without anyone else smiling

cuz queens are implemented into culture
where her beauty is beyond what anyone could define
the finest beauty our Culture, she defined...
so stand tall
so i can ONLY look up to you
and hope someday my daughter could have
someone to look up to too.

so queens i stand up for you through it all
let your story unfold for everyone to hear
and just hope, hope that you will
be loved unconditionally.

L.S.D.

i hate the fact i cant tell you how i really feel
so i slighly laced my words with L.S.D.
a Love Stoned Drug
so when i speak i can hypnotize you
to the utopian dream
where we can both tell eachother what we need
i need you and you need me
dual consciences,
both feed the hunger to each other
intertwined at the spiral of our fingertips
truth drips down
so lift your fingers and take a taste
cuz damn...this drug is so potent
a form of injectin'
is through the needle from the records we be spinnin'

and no... this drug is not for sale
but i know, no one has ever made you feel
that way i make you feel

then it starts tantilizing your ear drums
stimulating your nerves
tickling your spine
and it makes you quiver
your toes start to tingle
your knees start to buckle
your hips start to roll
you feel my voice running inside your soul
as i soliloquize the recipe of this remedy
you are spellbound by.

then i extract my whole being
into this articulate potion
its potential is a privelage
i am honored to give to you
my warmth starts to embody you
as my words linger through your mind
you start sweating
your hard breathing
your vision is revolving
and you cant help but ask if your addicted...
so dont try to purge it
dont resist it
it feels like your getting pulled down
but your just to Soulful
cuz not even gravity can pull down your smile

And ive got you hooked
and you cant wait for the next hit
but be patient..
this elixer is not one to mass produce
the quality is precisly measured
beyond using the 4 letter word
its meaning exceeds anyting youve ever heard
so wait till its ripe
because itll be worthwhile
falling back into the intoxicated intense level
where the pupils of your eyes start to dilate
and you just want to let it all go and take flight
and when your skin starts to prespire
you aspire to tell me how this drug makes you feel
cuz there is no Drug Anonymous
its you telling me you want this
you dont want the fire to extinguish
because this burning sensation
feels to good beyond imagination

and this drug has no side effects
so dont be afraid of the long term effect
this product has been tested to get you lifted
past divine pleasures
so just reveal the heart of your treasure
and just say what you picture
for you and me
cuz definately this thing i call LSD
can be simply broken down
to set what you want free
so whenever your ready
ill be here waiting
for you to come back dowm from your heaven
so we can finally unite
hold eachother in the words we wrote
and listen...listen to one another
confess our true feelings.

Purple And Gold

so this is how it turned out
being left cliff hanging
nails digging into the rough dirt
scattering on my wilted face
its the only thing keeping me brown
because my embarrassment speaks
too loudly through my red blushed cheeks
your memory ceases to remember a night
that meant something to me...

but i wish you could remember
i wish you could remember...

because developing in my mind
this rhetorical question does not quietly reside
it batters the boundaries of my own thought process
and the quest for my heart to rest
comes slowly through each test
i give to you, so you can PASS
the real answer to me

but i vividly hide each action in waves of corny jokes
and aggressive repulsion just to get a reaction
cuz man. im still so afraid to just tell you..
" hey girl, you make me feel like its my first day at school,
you know nervous to meet everyone
and to see whos the flyest girl
yeah you already know
this sappy sauced up letter
is the closest thing to a mixtape
i can give you!"

and its already mixed up
even if i could admit my confessions
to you it would feel like my first confession
in 2nd grade
i couldnt even do it face to face
but it doesnt matter
cuz you wouldnt remember anyway

you dont remember when you made me hold your hand?

you dont remember when you passionately held me
while i helped you stand?

Cuz when we fell asleep together
i left my face as close to yours
because that moment was just
to damn amazing to forget

and with each breath
it carried words into your ear
i let you know how i felt
because the tighter i held
the more you held me
i was your warmth
and you..you were just mine
and i wish you could remmeber that night

cuz everyday you dont know
that when i share my poems with you
i share pieces of my inner essence
my own secrets ly intertwined
with the words i use
to help inspire you
all i do is push for you
to create audios for your visuals
and damn, this notebook right here
is my Heart felt so exclusive secret
and i allowed you to write in it

and when you tell me
i have a sensitive side
you need to realize i do...I DO
because this right here is proof
these impulsive array of intimiate words
are put together
just to hope to hope
you could just remember...

cuz i wonder... i wonder
deliriously when we spend endless nights
do you feel the same way...
"i wonder if you know what it means. to find your dreams.."
in my fingertips cuz these hear
are just to motivate you
so please...
my heart is evidence of what we can transcend
beyound paint brushes and ink pens
remember that i am determined to disect and begin
to find what truly lies within
the walls of your head
And I do this all for you
cuz i put this together
so maybe just maybe
you could remember.....

first time painting since high school...

this is the first time i started painting since high school..well i only painted once or twice but im trying to expand my mediums.
but did this all today so bored had time to myself...hope you enjoy!

i tried to add on..i dont know if it ties along hahah

brain farted...

and as the sun beats repeatedly across my mind
it never ceases to cross corners
with why it is so lost within itself
and i cant blame my mistakes continuously on my experience
it will end up containing myself from
reaching a new personality or put it simply...growth
so we like to blare through eachother eyes
thinking we can see deep down inside who eachother are
but when it comes down to it.."whe are who we are"
and the path to clarity will never be clear
til we move those thing we bear
on our own eyes...and finally see
that all this creativity of the heart...
is coming from what we see so split...
...our minds perception of art

these are just random sketches i did last night before i slept took a couple minutes my mind is going crazy...like this is all i see in my head just like drew barrymore did in 50 first dates...oh well...

Shoe Box Memories

poem i wrote at the end of 06'
it is for all those i lost within that year..or this is to some of them.not all here ya goo..
i need to write more happy poems..i hate these sad ones hhahah
inspired alot through great homie name eileen

Shoe box memories glide through the echoes of my mind
the year has past insignificantly way too fast
so i sip on this franchise cup of the Bucks
watching my little nephews run around a playground of dreams
wishing their baby cousin Jonah could grow up to be part of that dream
Thats one...
im not counting pissed of periods of my life
im not counting simple smiles similiar to those portraits next to empty lives
im counting those empty lives laying helpless with closed eyes
was this supposed to be
god took back his family without me given the change to say goodbye
but i agree, there is a time for everyones life.

Induced with a life threatning disease is already hard enough to understand
but we hold on
see our hearts were intertwined at our hands
your saying your goodbye im saying my thanks
Thats two...
to my uncle ron
you lived this fairytale truth for my cousins and I each cold december night
you were my big white wrinkled war vet
who dressed up in a red and white peach fuzz jumpsuit
and role played oh dear St. Nicholas
but in reality
you were a saint sent for us
this past christmas was hard enough not sitting on your lap
waiting to get that predicatable ten dollar envelope all of us get
our tears melted through our skin and we created memories in our hearts
reminding us that you lived out fairytale to the highest extent
and for that i give you all my respect

and its hard enough respecting how others went away
girl you had a family why waste that and live for your little girl another day
thats three
three makes one family
why'd you leave that way
you know your loved ones werent ready for that
whose your little girl gonna look up to
who is she going to fall back on when they ask her about her mom
see i wish you show her to smile like you do
your big ass smile
it was so unexpected
never regretted, wont forget it, pathetic, tragic, twisted, unpleasant, chaotic
so disrespected way to go
you didnt have to do this to yourself
now you left your little girl FAITH
with no faith to follow your footsteps
foolishly finding fearful female queens besides her mother
i wish you could see us now
you meant that much to us anna

but i agree there is a time for everyones life
accidents do happen
nothing was made perfect even if it was made for our enjoyment
living our friendship through circled stores after your passing
made me wish i was closer to you even more
your four...
see i can only remember those closed catholic school dances
where you would serenade a girl with your
popping hips, big eyes, wavy corn rows, and thrusting motions towards their faces
you did it
you did it to my girl dru
freshman year you already had an aura that would never leave you
i never go a day without thinking what you though of before that crash
if you woke up to take one more breath of life to smile and think of us
but now i live through memories left behind
mortal kombat lip syncing random ass videos
the gym team wishes you were back
i saw that too
daymn dru i wish i knew you more
only stories connect us now
we would have been so good together
reminding me of what i used to do, wear whatever i wanted
cut my hair into random haircuts your flat top my mullet
i would of gone anywhere with you
if you showed up to my door ill go with you back to the bay
if you showed up ill go with you to LA
2 am in the morning knowing we had class the next day
and i wish you would come to my door right now
i would go with you to your utopian dreamland
grab my hand take me to your heaven and show me those ciara dances i envied
but i envy you
your free...your free...

but i know all of you are not far
because i once was told
" Perhaps they are not the stars
but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones
shines down to les us know they are with us"
and ill remember to not shed a tear for your absence
just to hold on to those next to me right now
for i may not see them when i wake tomorrow

so this is for all of you here
clasp your hands together
pray for those you've lost as they are standing behind you right now
close your eyes
as they watch over you
they are with you
so smile
dont grieve
you have just set them free...

expression of how i feel at the moment....its a group of feelings...that i feel so this wont make sense at all..but it does to me..have fun


i made the scars before i left them on their hearts
it was just a mere memory of what they will always remember me by...
as if heavens hammer knocked on my door today
and welcomed me back to reality
ive been living in my own world for so long
i forgot what it tastes like
or do i even know what it tastes like to love?
i was probably given the chance many times but
selfishly i crumpled that paper and threw it behind me
missing the real trash...so i never real did move on from it..

you cant forgive me for what ive done
its been done and i sly helplessly into solitude
deciding that is where i needed to be
my wants should have never mattered
because it just ended up all into a disrespectful action
i cant beg you to give me another time with you
i believe this was supposed to happen
its life...simple but hardships are part of it
sitting in this haven of holiness i can only but think of
denegration of self respect

why do i do things that make me who i dont want to be
it was all just a vision
never solid enough for my ego to grasp
i confront this trouble with the upmost strength
believing someday i will pull through
i fell today and it didnt hurt
my source of pride will solely ly in his open arms
but i know trusting and finally to let go is all i have to do...
it was never about me or finding me or changing me
im already who i am

ive hurt people to realize they can become stronger
or at this moment right now
do i see why i was sent to change others life
was i just a pawn to this entire game
i cant make-believe my beliefs
i have to believe in myself first to fix what is needed
no matter the pain i endure
ill have strength to move on until it is time for me to return home

And signs are so evident after the scene is completed
i have always asked for a foreshadow
but now shadoes force me towards them
because thats where i must confide
leave me alone is all i ask
leave me alone with him
and ill return knowing my life is supposed to be like this
i dont blame anyone but myself
and the first step i must forgive I
and never forget

i tell you...i cant barely stand the wind from your words
they force me to buckle under your love
my voice doesnt matter to you
if i could paint the canvas of my heart
to show you im sorry
it would portray a White Rose
saying you were as pure as anyone could be
i didnt trust you because i didnt trust myself
and you have everyone right to hate me...and i do too..
but i never told you this...
and i hope in time love conquers all obstacles
but i cant hope to believe you have anything for me
because finally i got what i needed...

to be alone no one to help me
no one at all..but god...

hey its EJ

alright little miss eileen got me here so ill contribute
latest poem

little old poem for myself

GRANDMA... By EJ

This morning I woke up
And you were already up
You were in the kitchen about to cook
Me some bacon…
I told you grandma
I’m going to school
When I come home cook ok…
I said goodbye
Not knowing it was my last goodbye into the
Clear crystal blue brown eyes of you…
Your last words to me
“drive safely”
and that’s all I can remember
standing there was my last image…of you
getting ready to cook me my breakfast..
it keeps replaying in my head
why didn’t I sit down and eat with you
why didn’t I sit down and thank you
at work
I was getting all these calls and I cant check um..
I get a emergency
Blind to see the truth that was awaiting me
I denied the truth and believed in my own reality…
But in the 15 min drive
My whole life flashed before my eyes…
At 18 it would be my first closest lost..
But in myself I was already lost
18 years ago you were there
till this morning you were here
in my heart you were there
and in my heart you still are here
in my eyes you are a FILIPINA
Filipina pioneer
Paved the way for generations to come
Stood up for the generations to come
Loved and took care of me for my next generations to come
I remember as a little one
I never left you
I was always next to you
I never slept anywhere else except
Between you and grandpa…
Even when I moved away I came back and still slept with you…
You disciplined me when I was young…
You Flashed me when I was wrong…
It was the sickest thing I’ve ever seen
But your point always got across to me…
Even though I couldn’t understand…your point got across..
Cuz you are strong...
Grandma you are strong...
I thought I lost you before
But you came back and supported me even more
And this brings me to thanking you
But losing you left me empty with a blank history of
What you went through for me…
Like Jose Rizal once said
“Those who don’t recognize where they came from, will never get where they are going…”
I was tossed into the slaughter house
And muted of my native tongue
It was the one thing that would have connected our souls
It was the one element that would have created the
More being of me
It would have completed my history..
ALL I WANTED WITH YOU WAS A CONVERSATION…
I WAS ROBBED OF MY TONGUE AND I WAS ROBBED of MY TIME WITH YOU
Becuz I would always struggle just trying to say
I love you…
Grandma..
All those times at the kitchen table…silence…
I wasn’t hungry to eat my food
I was hungry to entertain you..
Grandma I wanted to know how you got to be you…
I just wanted your advice
But everytime it came out
It was foreign to my ears…and I would stand there and stare…
Wanting to understand
Grandma...
I want to understand you…
And this morning was my last chance…
And flash…
I’m running to the emergency room...silence again..
I open the door to a utopian white room
With you in the center
Grandma…
Grandma…grandma...
Grandma wake up
I want to say hi…
Grandma, I didn’t get to cook your rice...
Grandma please open your eyes…
And everytime I cried on your face I thought your eyelids opened
But reality collapsed on me
And again my heart broken..

Grandma…
Grandma
I’m sorry I didn’t eat breakfast with you…thank you...
I hold your hand...
Kiss your forehead
Close me eyes and say goodbye….

Goodbye to piece of my history
That lied in your life
Thank you for always being true…
Thank you…
I love you…
Grandma…

RIP