Ending October (freewrite)

There's really no level of honesty that can sincerely take me to a place that can fully express what this feels like. I don't think it has anything to do with truthfulness, honesty, sincerity, or any of those things that are often lacking when it comes to feeling this way --

Quite the opposite -
it's the floor crumbling beneath my feet kind of panic
my emotions are straining.
Itching for a place to catch my footing.
A spot where I can stop falling
after I feel like I've found a way to climb so high.
I'm borderline floating,
wishing I knew what made it so easy to rise above.
Fly higher.
Dream bigger.
And somehow stay inspired.

I find that I'm at this earth shattering breaking point
where nothing makes any sense at all,
but it's that chaotic feel that gave me the most ease.
I have no idea what limits I'm gonna break -
and I have no obligation at all to find out.
I have no pressing need to foresee the future,
though it's bouncing back at me
and beating crazy heatwaves into my lifelines.
My blood's boiling with the anticipation and eagerness in this uncertainty.
I have nothing but high hopes for it.

I'm watching red bricks turn yellow each step forward I take.
My eyes see nothing in front of me;
they've become mere windows
to peer through while my heart steers me in this direction.
They're open to just barely witness the miracles that blind me.
The sky that keeps my flight.
The wind that keeps my ease and peacefulness intact.
I'm blown away by the happiness pulsing through my veins.
Wondering if there's a need to define it,
when everyday it recreates itself into something bigger.
Better.
Like I'm meant to lose sight of all I know
because this is all beyond anything that's been felt before.

I'm inspired by you, love.
You have become this ridiculous reality
that I'm failing everyday to achieve.
A dream I can't seem to wake from.
A life I couldn't have imagined for myself.
A night that is too dark to see through,
but I'll sleep walk just to meet you.
And it's a shame that you're an amazing dream come true;
making reality seem like a false sense of security
we all failed to realize --
it was only some figment of an imagined state of safety.
You make life seem like it's just started.
I've never breathed this easy before.
Being with you is like finding my sunlight for the first time.
Holding you is better than sunlight.
Kissing you is better than breathing.

And if I could find the right words to describe it; I'd choose not to.
For fear that it would cheapen this indescribable experience I have with you.
A dream - witnesses and realized.
An accidental slip into what everyone wishes could have been.
A reality that never could feel real.
It's just that [...] good, you can't ever believe it.

unfinished Sept. freewrite

[freewrite]

it's already revealed itself
to be so much more than just "worth it"
like i'm giving meaning to mean so much more
and more than anything,
enhanced beyond any imagined possibilities

i find myself leaning on figures of speech
itching for natural progressions
to reveal what has already become so obvious,
even to the oblivious,
that this is so much more than just the ordinary
the regular and the expected
in the everyday struggle to aim to get higher
to dream bigger
and to live better
i find myself happier
than what words can merely describe
speechless often

he gave meaning to all that
to reveal he's more than all that
he makes words unworthy of describing this feeling
i'm itching for a new way of expressing it
new words to suit this new fit
but i know i'm on the right track...

i'm almost there
building this foundation of every dream as it hits reality
colliding with my awakened soul
breaking down all my limitations
i'm rebuilding my dreams
brick by brick
building this foundation
watching red bricks turn yellow
and i know i'm on the right track
not sure where i'm headed
...just following my yellow brick road.

He Is My Difference

[An old piece dedicated to the one who inspired me to write.]

These years have been passing far too quickly for me
I have lost too many memories to my bad memory
And I have met so few people that I can remember beyond a simple "hello"
...but he is so different --
His personality must be why
He had become so personal to me --

He took my words from me,
Though they were mangled from a twisted tongue
And I always felt that my words belonged to only me
He stole them straight from my lips that he had pushed open to speak in the first place
And as he listened to them...
He misunderstood them
Twisted them and used them
Misconstrued them...
And…redefined them
Into something more beautiful than I could have ever imagined...

So now each time he talks to me
I can't hear a damn thing he says --
Because his presence speaks so much louder
His words mean more
His steps leave imprints with me
His actions define inspiration
And when he spits a spoken piece
I can't help but feel that his poetry has become obsolete
The mic in his hand is as pointless as his efforts to raise his voice
Because his words have already echoed to me
New beginnings
New realizations
A new identity deeply rooted
As I look at what they had done to him
The inspiration resonates within me
Vibrating within my thoughts
It jolted through me
And he put the pen in my hand
And forced me to see no intimidation in blank pages
But rather, mere opportunities laid out in front of me
Page by page...

He had become my difference --
The difference there stands between a melody and a song
A voice and its singer
Like a talent that has yet to be discovered
He became the stage -- the foundation for such amazing performances
...and I?
I was just the audience
That if he knew me to be strong
It was only because he held me up
When I was the small, weak girl I had been...
If I wanted to tell the truth - he was my honesty
In my need to be heard
To speak up
Speak loud
And be proud --
He would amplify me
And when I needed the words
...he would inspire me...

And even if I were just reading it
The pieces of his heart unfolded in a notebook of poetry
His misspelled words were merely due to his fumbled fingers
And not mistakes of thought
Reminding me that amidst mistakes
And little details that hint imperfection
The message is not lost
The emotion still preserved
And I sit here still writing
Still so damn inspired...

I had always told him that "words are cheap"
Because actions speak louder than words, right?
But in hearing that cliche,
This time I was the one who was mistaken
Because his actions had merely become the echo of the words he spoke
The stencil I asked him to complete with colors
They were merely the motions of his syllables
His words weren't cheap at all, but rather
They were the subtle truth that he represented to me
The wind that would guide the waves of the ocean
He had moved me with nothing more than a pen in his hand
And a voice to speak it

His words had instead become a gift to me
Priceless -- and so far from "cheap"
They defined the unspoken
The unheard
The invisible
And the intangible
He spoke of the things I couldn't see, but could only feel
He brought me to the realization that reality can also be my solace
Because I can live a dream while I'm still wide awake
And if I ever had the chance to open his eyes, I would
So he can dream
Wide awake
With me...

You see,
He showed me the difference
Between poetry and a passion
The written words and a bold voice
I was merely a puppet of the inspiration he was to me
Only writing of the echos of what he silently spoke to me
And as he stood right there in front of me --
I became different --
Because he is my difference...

found [freewrite]

i find myself finding peace in his presence.
his aura could put me to sleep
because i feel so comfortable basking in the intensity of its calm.
but i'd want nothing more than to just stay awake for a lifetime,
so i don't miss a beat.

my breath of fresh air
every time our breaths collide
in the midst of a chaotic life of confusion.
my clarity after all this emotional mess of a life i've been.
i am, for lack of a better way of expressing it, collected now.
he pieces me back together,
and a sigh of relief releases from my lips as he reminds me;
life goes on,
love endures,
and if we can endure to the edge of forever...
we could catch onto and get a good tight grip on this thing called love.
and if possible,
simultaneously fall into its expressive twists and turns,
holding fast the sincerity it eases me into...

so, genuinely --
i want to share with him a life only imagined by the dreamers that dream wide awake;
setting imagination on fire with a passionate love
only found among those that find peace in each other's souls,
falling deep while holding on so damn tight
...onto this thing called love.

"Roses are Red"

written for two of my friends that got married :)

----
To be completely honest,
I’m not one to profess that I know what “love” is…

But when I see you two
Even though I may not really know what “love” is…
I’m convinced I’ve seen it
I’m convinced it exists

It was as simple as what was already so well known
So obvious to the rest of us
We’re only witnesses to what is so undeniable
It’s beyond all those love clichés and love quotes
And so much more than just what you hear in love songs
It was like...if you told her "roses are red…"
She knew "…violets are blue"
And just like that - the passionate fire that ignites
That was our proof of a simple and easygoing…
Well, simply put - the simple miracle of you two.

And it’s not really so “over the top”
Like either of you giving the other a piece of the universe
No crazy professions and attempts of writing your name across the sky
No gifts of the sun, moon, or the stars
Just a sunny, happy, and brightly lit piece of reality you share together
Something as quiet as a moonlit walk - hands held, fingers intertwined
And the peaceful moments that ensue
It’s something like a shine or that twinkle in your eyes
That almost made him make a wish any time she blinked
Because he mistakes her gaze for the stars illuminating the night sky
Since she was the bright light and shine in his life...

It was never “too much” of anything - no need to push past the bounds of time and space
No need for promises of eternity
Just an understanding and acceptance of the meant to be -
She knew you were her destiny
And gauging by the way she knows how to make him smile
And the way he knew how to win her heart and make it race
Though there was honestly no competition at all if they both won first place

They were probably slightly delirious -
(You probably didn’t even realize the profound effect that love had on you two)
Those butterflies fluttering in their stomachs
Making ‘em stutter when they speak
Leaving them both with those weak knees
And to be honest, that’s probably how they got knocked down so unexpectedly

It was simple - merely a simple twist of fate
A spin on a simple reality that made the ordinary things suddenly new
When he said forever, you just knew
When she claimed your heart, nothing but happiness would ensue
Just like when “the everyday words seem to turn into love songs”
You see, neither of you need the sun, the moon, or the stars
When destiny had its way
This was no dream come true - it was a fated path paved for the both of you
A God given journey that even made “forever” seem like it simply wasn’t long enough

You see; I may not really know what “love” is…
But I’m convinced I’ve seen it
And I’m so convinced it exists

It’s as simple as what was already so well known
So obvious to the rest of us
Because when you tell her "roses are red…"
She already knows "…violets are blue"
Our proof of the simple miracle of a God given love for the both of you.

So congratulations to your new life together
On your simply beautiful journey as you live life anew
With everyday, taking a step closer to your own happily ever after
Our proof that even if we don't know what love is - we know it truly exists
We just know that since roses are red...violets must be blue.

down

...i'm hella down for a life of uncertainty
just as long as you're not sure either
i'm down to never find what i'm looking for
just as long as you're holding my hand as we search
i'm down to never find answers to any of these questions
just as long as it's your voice telling me
you have no clue what to do...

truth

i'd like to say that there is hope
but i don't know if there was
...or is
and i find myself being too scared
to write in the present tense
vulnerability hitting me so strongly
my weak knees are already failing to keep me grounded
losing my grip on the reality of who i was without you
too worried that i'll have to find out the hard way
then i get too afraid to speak too soon
and write of you in the past tense
hands write tense
and the tension cramps up my thoughts
i'm not free
captivated and trapped in the moments of you
frozen in our winter kisses
missing our summer heat
and childish as it seems
i don't want to admit that it's over now
and maybe if i don't say it out loud
the truth won't hear me
reality won't catch me
and they'll forget to grasp onto it
onto what i already know
is too true

[september prompt]

though i know it was easier to piece it back together
even a broken mess of what used to be
instead of creating a new possibility
but my way was never the easy way
no matter what stood in the way
i had to find a way
i needed to find a way
to break the mold of a way i've hated for so long
i could already hear the echos of the past i was tryna escape
the all too familiar repetition i felt in bad habits
even when my heart started aching
i could remember the throb of the break
from past ways before
the way i didn't find on my own -
merely the way they talked to me
talked me into knowing it all

i hadn't lived my own life - i lived someone else's
it was a mess trying to piece back someone else's faded footsteps
tryna follow too closely
but in reality
the harsher truth in the lost path
the way i can't seem to find
i just wanted to make my own way
to get there
and find a way
somehow to live it
my own life
my own way...

freewrite: mismatched

loving you is like an itch i can't scratch.
and dammit, it's one of those that moves around too.
it's painful sometimes.
frustrating at others times
but amidst all the negative things i can point out about it -
all it comes down to is the fact that it's there;
whether i gave you permission or not
it doesn't seem to matter -
you invade my thoughts
and i swear i feel helpless enough to just surrender.

the mere fact alone makes me feel hopeless.
who wants to feel this way.
who wants to admit these types of things.
who in the world would want to honestly say that
someone's got a hold of their heart
and doesn't even care?
maybe that's why i can say it breaks often.

to be completely honest,
i'm a little tired and emotionally drained
and it's getting to be really heavy on the heart for me.
i know you probably think that
i'm bound to say something real sweet and poetic about you,
but loving you is frustrating.
and we, the living half heartedly
the bruised, but still alive
the painful, yet existing
loving, yet unloved
those of us...that hurt for the mere
presence and absence of mismatched emotions
...we don't listen to love songs the same.

May 2010 prompt freewrite

May: "He lives the poetry that he cannot write. The others write the poetry that they dare not realize." - Oscar Wilde

it was only through words
i dared to live beyond the motions that kept me safe
sane in reality,
my imagination
ran wild
ran crazy
ran insane
in a run-on sentence game
my reality a game of who could play normal
my truth of mind hidden away in seamless hidden meanings
silently trapped behind the words that held so much more substance
and i admitted more through poetry
than i could ever admit to myself through tears
and i'd hope they read closely
read quietly and understood fully
they read secrets behind these meanings
and lives hidden away behind reality.

unfinished.

even though it's over
i hope you remember all the memories better than me
and i wish you'd believe me a little harder in remembrance
i hope you kept all the notes
heard the truth in between all the moments i had to do what i had to do
and how much i wish reality would've looked prettier
just for you and me
even though it's over
i hope you remember all the good times
i hope you remember all the memories
and please remember those better
and more
than you remember me.

redredred.

sketchy freewrite

totally sketchy freewrite but hey, had to get it out

i remember when he told me that we weren't meant to be
i didn't want to believe it
so i didn't
but in time i realized this pain was so real
he had to be right
so i left...
we were opposite in heart
so we headed opposite directions

but i never could understand it
i had yet to learn to unlearn him
forget the feel of his palm in my hand
or the way his mouth would stay open when he was sincerely shocked
or to pretend i didn't notice his nervous jokes
i had yet to learn to unlearn knowing him all too well
because he told me it was all too much
and no, things weren't all good...

and finally it hits
but the pain of the impact isn't as it used to be
because when we used to be
all i knew was he
he, who shined me past my flaws
he, who knew me past my walls
but then i learned that it was he...
i had to shine him past me
my life can't sustain him anymore

...so that's what he meant
when he said it wasn't meant to be

so finally when it hit
i finally understood
it wasn't meant to be
he was just right
so i left
but in actuality
we were one in heart
holding up the rainbow from opposite sides
watching miracles collapse into our dreams
balancing the beautiful existences
exactly what was meant to be
even though it wasn't "we"

like this.

it's been four years since i last told you "happy birthday"
four years since i've seen your smile
even though i can still remember how it was kinda crooked
four years since i told you i didn't want to be your girlfriend
but stood by your side anyway
and though it's been four years
i still haven't found a good enough way to say it
so forget reality
i'm just gonna say it like this...

i think you're an idiot.
for leaving me the way you did
all stranded and helpless
standing next to your grave without even a goodbye
i want to tell you that you're a jerk
for never giving me a heads up
never telling me ahead of time that you decided to leave us so soon
you're a liar talking about the future
i think you already knew you weren't going to stick around for much longer
i want to scream at you for leaving
and i want to hug you to make up for these past four years that i've missed you
i cry at the thought of you
and you invade my thoughts at the worst times
like now
so i'ma just tell you straight
like this

you may have been the biggest mistake of my life
that i'll learn to never regret
and deep down i know that i'll never forget the scars you left
because no matter how deep they got
no matter how timeless they'll be
they're among my most beautiful memories
and i'm forever changed
nevertheless grateful
and utterly speechless
in four years
i've still struggled for the right words to say it
and so it's unfortunate, i can only say it like this

...i just miss you.
i'm so close to wishing you were still around
but i accept the fact that you passed
and belong in my past
you asked me once about destiny
and if you were mine
all those hints and clues you left
i'm still struggling with the fact that you never told me straight
and so you just left me
like this.

treehouse

here's something i drew for my childhood friend matt. treehouses always remind me of childhood :)

a good fit.

[freewrite]

i feel like i'm bursting outta my skin
just to remember when my bones felt solid
i'm struggling to feel like breathing's gonna take me places
instead i find myself living from inhale to exhale
forgetting everything that ensued inbetween
forgetting i had aims to pursue something inbetween

and in the middle of all of this chaotic noise
i find myself struggling to hear your echos
distorted in all of this mess of a life
confused up in a language i forgot to study more

i'm tied up and tired of tying loose ends
just so i feel connected at the end of the day
but i'll admit, i was hardly ever well put together
just barely catching myself after i trip and slip up
making missteps with this heavy heart pulling me down

and in the middle of all this quiet inner insanity
i'm on a mission to make amends
my heart and my head have got to make up their mind
let reason coincide with the unreasonable heart of mine
i've got this
i'm down for all the uncertainty i'm pursuing here
in the middle of a struggle to remember a time and a place
a good fit where we made good sense
and maybe in the end of it
i won't have to keep tying our loose ends together
days when we couldn't make it make sense
days when the struggle was impossible to cure
but my heart knows better
i know our time has passed and i'm lost looking for that spot
that place we belonged

i don't know where you fit now
but i know your memory is tucked safely away
in my past.
and now (for now)
...that makes complete sense.

strive

a goodbye gift for my friend ljay ricardo :)

project completed with help from andrew ibarra

been a while, huh. ohhh scribbling...

promise

here's a drafted unfinished piece from 4/12/08 1:28 PM

i was inspired beyond the possibility of language
with each breath
i knew to take my deepest
inhaling in hopes to remember more
and an exhale to leave behind the bittersweet
and in passion i held it in
in hopes of prolonging the moment

...but the temporary state of my fleeting present
as it slipped to my past
and the future came too soon

i found sudden peace in his promises
that forever was nothing to fear at all
and pain was nothing more than a stutter
in beautiful song
i could still hear his melodic love
passing through me like a song

i couldn't remember the words
but my heart was in it

even through heartache
he still beat through my veins
i could still hear his melody
and it pulsed my heart back into one
strengthened by faith
strengthened by promise

a night left freely open to the darkness
only to prove that i could shine through like the stars
so i used the constellations
as my only constant
i followed their messages when i was lost
tired and weary
but i could never forget their shine
pushing me forward
and awakening to each new day
with a hope

of his promise of forever

and i knew i was never afraid.

i promised to love him forever
we began our journey from infinity
and counted backwards toward the end of days

aaahhhh blahblahblah

freestyle.

ok soo...it's been forever since i've freestyled, so i wanted to try it again. i know it doesn't make sense or anything, but gotta keep the freestyle as raw as possible...i don't wanna read it again or else i'll edit it, so here goes...hope you likes...

------------

lynnerdz (1:45:18 AM): ...i was waiting for his green light
lynnerdz (1:45:26 AM): and i was so ready and set to go
lynnerdz (1:45:30 AM): i met him before daylight savings
lynnerdz (1:45:32 AM): the sun was still out
lynnerdz (1:45:46 AM): sun streaked days and i couldn't wait to watch them steal away to night
lynnerdz (1:45:54 AM): i'm down for this struggle of squinting my eyes
lynnerdz (1:46:00 AM): if it's him i'm tryna find through the moonlight
lynnerdz (1:46:06 AM): and there was something about the light
lynnerdz (1:46:10 AM): he always reminded me to search deeper for it
lynnerdz (1:46:17 AM): i figured it should've been more obvious maybe
lynnerdz (1:46:23 AM): more mysterious maybe
lynnerdz (1:46:27 AM): even more hidden in a sense
lynnerdz (1:46:32 AM): and maybe i'd know where to find it
lynnerdz (1:46:33 AM): maybe
lynnerdz (1:46:39 AM): ...but then again i was squinting
lynnerdz (1:46:45 AM): searching too hard for what should've been obvious
lynnerdz (1:46:51 AM): it was, after all...only daylight
lynnerdz (1:47:03 AM): and he was ready to save me away from the days i left behind in the past
lynnerdz (1:47:08 AM): i'm ready to struggle through the sunlight
lynnerdz (1:47:13 AM): just as long as it's his warmth i'm feeling
lynnerdz (1:47:27 AM): it's sickening almost how sweet he makes me wanna be
lynnerdz (1:47:33 AM): like too much candy i can't stomach the thought
lynnerdz (1:47:36 AM): and maybe...
lynnerdz (1:47:38 AM): maybe...
lynnerdz (1:47:45 AM): maybe it would make more sense if i had him in smaller doses
lynnerdz (1:47:49 AM): i'm down for the balance
lynnerdz (1:47:56 AM): just as long as he's the one keeping me grounded
lynnerdz (1:48:02 AM): founded on this floored mentality of his existence
lynnerdz (1:48:07 AM): it's dope tho i have to admit
lynnerdz (1:48:11 AM): watching him shine through my life
lynnerdz (1:48:15 AM): just like daylight
lynnerdz (1:48:17 AM): and maybe...
lynnerdz (1:48:25 AM): maybe he'll shine me back to reality
lynnerdz (1:48:37 AM): and then i had to remember it was only daylight savings
lynnerdz (1:48:47 AM): i could only fall back onto what already existed
lynnerdz (1:48:54 AM): his breath was all i could remember tho
lynnerdz (1:49:13 AM): springing me forward into that reality
lynnerdz (1:49:16 AM): i'm tired i guess
lynnerdz (1:49:28 AM): and after losing an hour
lynnerdz (1:49:29 AM): or two
lynnerdz (1:49:33 AM): and gaining it back again
lynnerdz (1:49:37 AM): maybe he didn't save me at all
lynnerdz (1:49:43 AM): from the light i was squinting too hard to see
lynnerdz (1:49:47 AM): he just caught me in mid fall
lynnerdz (1:49:54 AM): he saved daylight...not me.

hella down.

...i'm hella down for all this uncertainty
just as long as you're not sure either
i'm down to never find what i'm looking for
just as long as you're holding my hand as we search
life -- i'm hella down to go through this journey with you...