forreal this time.

...as if it was yesterday
that I first knew what it felt like

to be loved.

That moment I knew,
that very moment when he left that dining chair in our dimly lit kitchen,
I immediately felt that emptiness inside,
the kind of feeling that makes you feel like nothing is complete

without the one you love.

I knew then immediately that when I first laid eyes on that very imprint he left,
the way our chair covers were now slightly disproportionate from when he got up
and when I felt his hand touched my shoulders
and the way my shoulders welcomed his touch

I felt complete.

That I knew then as I embraced his simple yet meaningful touch
that he was mine.
That smile that pierced the dim light of the kitchen,
that particular smile that smothered the room with warmth
on that one cold night of December,
I could feel then that he would be mine

forever.

Because it wasn't like any other.
This wasn't your "let's make love" smile, this was the
"let's make life, love and stress happen.
Let's live every unhappy moment together
and make it love."
And I was confident since then to say that

I was in love.

low self-esteem

what i've been going through lately, and just recently overcame it all. enjoy?

_____________________________________________

i never knew that numbers on a scale could bother someone so much
i never knew it had that manipulation
that grasp, that control,
to change the way someone feels about themself.
that these numbers could take hold of that someone's self esteem
and decrease it by the lowest percentage possible.
these numbers were not just any numbers
they were numbers that scared me
these were numbers that spoke to me
taunted me with common media expectations
teased me with popular magazine covers
haunted my life with images of beautiful women that i wish i could mimic,
ditto their appearances
and make them my own.

every now and then, i'd cry myself to bed
hoping that one day, i'll have a body like that
my skin will someday be as flawless as theirs
my face will be perfectly shaped so i could have any hairstyle i wanted
i wanted the perfect body
i'd cry myself to sleep,
knowing that i was the complete opposite.
knowing i had not the ideal hourglass shape
i had not the most flawless skin ever
my face was round,
and so was i.

everytime i jumped onto the scale,
numbers got higher,
expectations were demanding.
i'm heavier and things keep getting worse
but that's how life is, right?
everything keeps getting worse.
keeping that in mind, i've resorted to the worse thing yet:
indirectly inflicting pain
to the ones that care and the ones that matter
it was internal self mutilation,
starvation was the answer to my problems.
it was myself in desperate need
of where to stand in society

i didnt want to stand round,
i want to stand tall and thin and beautiful
just like every other girl out there.
i wanted an ideal body
just like what everyone else wanted.
i wanted to not only fit in
but to be likable
to be eye-catching
just like everyone else.

as days went by
i grew thinner and thinner
i felt more beautiful as days passed
i now know how it feels to be thin
and beautiful
and tall, yet petite
yet inside this so-called beautiful external appearance of mine
dwelled internal pain,
where my organs were eating me alive
but this eating habit of mine
was doing this body wonders
this habit of mine was makin me feel beautiful,
and light, and skinny,
and more attractive. that's what i wanted.
i already started and i can't stop.

yet this constant pain in my stomach
grows harsh as days go by
suffering from malnutrition daily
but i loved the way i looked now.

i was constantly comparing myself to others
now it was okay to do so,
where i felt my level of envy has lowered
i reached their stage
i'm feeling quite accomplished.

although i feel like i got what i wanted,
i wanted more out of it.
i still was not satisfied
for everytime my belly stuck out
i'd starve myself again for a few more days
until it was gone. it was gone, gone, gone.

and so was i.
i was almost gone. my old self,
my own self, manipulated by numbers on a scale.
i'm killing myself.
simply over envious feelings and jealousy
it's killing me.

my friend once told me,
that when friends think of you,
they don't think of your weight,
they think of you, and who you are.

how dare these numbers
have control over my feelings.
my emotions and my well-being
how could i be so weak
to be haunted and taunted
and teased by the majority of how our society is today
how dare society take control over what and who i am
how dare i allow myself
to revolve around what the majority wants
to impress what the world wants out of me
when the world doesn't care about who i am
and what i do for the world.

from now on, i'll live up to what will be right for me,
i don't live for the world anyway. i never did.
it's controlling,
it controlled me.
but i won't let it control me anymore.

"my promise"

so i was inspired by eileen's piece to write a spiritual one too. i'll tell you later why, eileen. HAHA. just remind me.

_____________________________

when i think about it,
my life is as worthless as it gets
it's nothing compared to anything
that i've ever borrowed from you.

throughout my whole life, i've been nothing but a failure
nobody but just someone who dwells on borrowing things
but never returning them,
and if i return them
i don't give them back in the condition i first received it as.

i give you nothing but lies
nothing but failure
nothing but disappointment
nothing but grief
nothing but broken promises
and full of worry
it is because of me
that you are disappointed
it is because of people like me
you continue to feel doubt in your heart
it is because of people like me,
you sympathize
and empathize to me
in every prayer
you tell me,
"it's okay, don't worry,
"there's still hope,
"there's still a chance,
that you'll be saved."

you comfort in every prayer,
that no matter what,
you'll love me, just as long as i do my best
just as long as my intentions are pure and true
that i mean every single word i pray unto you
just as long as i believe in you
but not just faith alone
but faith with works.

dear God, my aspiration: perfect faith.

i try to prove to you that
i am worthy
but there is nothing i could ever do to prove that i am truly worthy of such blessings
there is nothin on earth
that could ever compare
there is NO comparison whatsoever with your blessings
your blessings are so bountiful
your blessings are so generously given

so what can i do to repay you?
this life.
this life that i BORROWED from you.
even such a sacrifice as giving up my life for you
dying in the name of yours and jesus christ

but not even such an action could compare to what you've done for me,
no God, i'm not taking my own life away
but simply proving to you that nothing can compare to what you've done for me
nothing could ever suffice for the broken promises i promised i wouldn't break

so i question,
am i even allowed to complain
about all the sufferings i've encountered
do i have the right
to even call upon you, dear father
should i even call you my father
am i truly counted as your child
although dear father i truly do feel your love and your mercy
but as undeserving as i am,
it's hard for me to truly believe that
such a loving father
such a loving God
so merciful and loving
could love such an unworthy, piece of life such as i

it is my promise to you
that come what may
i will be strong
i will truly believe that
you will always be with me
you are with me when i suffer persecutions
hardships
tests and trials
it is my faith
that you will be by my side
holding my hand
leading the way
to every single destination i must cross paths with

it's such a blessing
that i have the opportunity to call upon you, dear God
though i know these tears will continue to fall
until our lord jesus christ comes
the end is near.
my race is almost done.
just be there for me
for a couple more days
and i'll be ready.
i'll be ready,
and strong.

this, i promise.

my safety zone

my bedroom is supposed to be one of those places where safety is supposably found so easily,
but when i think about it...
it's actually being in the arms of someone.
someone fantastic,
someone beautiful,
someone great,
someone just beyond what words can describe this person as.
it's the fact that
i've fallen in love with the way his arms just hug me so tightly

my safety zone.
my comfort.

the struggle of trying to get out of his arms
the struggle of trying to get out of his love
his care
his hands clasped as he wraps his arms around me
as we lie
so peacefully on a soft bed,

it's an everlasting struggle
of trying to release
it's impossible
just simply inevitable
his love is so strong
it keeps me safe with its strength
it'll battle whatever comes its way
maintaining its safetyness
maintaining its undying love

he is my fortress
his love keeps me safe,
accompanied by his soft, loving arms
his love
is my safety zone.
my comfort.