overload tonight is just freewrite

this stupid browser pane
simply cannot contain
the ideas within this brain
my fingers wont explain
they only move to disdain me
only typing what they want
making something else completely
and it just frustrates me
cause i cant write to save me
a simple song to inspire the mind
only lyrics assembled strangely


as the wind blows
feel the air around flow
even though you dont see it
it has your body in its gentle hold

move forward against the current
and see that you split it
move with the direction
and you become part of it

aim your will with the flow
its been here forever
never again to repeat
time is like the river

experience isn't the end or the answer
its only a memory to reflect upon
to savor and to master
the moment that is our whole life

when i want my thoughts heard
i write them down
they translate to spoken word
id rather that id create
work that is church appropriate

because

i feed off your need
but not in a way I would take
i acquire my fire when you let me create
a layer of words to relate to you
that you can have and eat it too
its easy as cake
sweet but not devils food
for your soul a warm soup to cajole
that hunger for the truth that is sought by the few
and if you are reading this,
you're probably starving for it too

poo on the tv on your phone in your ear
the world is nothing but ignorance's seed
inpregnated divine merging spirit and mind
into sons of fear who are borne to revere
their chosen higher power
who mutually devour
processed food, the bounty gone sour
just like the vine which is nothing but excrement
of nutritive spent on bacterial phagous
ironically we find delious
malicious that it poisons and enlightens when inbibed
depends on the reaction of the diners mind
i find that i have too many tabs open at this time
and stop this motion of prose
dime.

self-written two years, 34 days ago

Self-June 1st,2009

I am a slow learner,
and for this, I've missed out on life.
Many a night spent wasting away,
steeped in poison, which caused which to decay;
the brain was the first, the second my body,
or was it my spirit, who easily succumbed to it's calling?

Then it was my heart, which battled on long,
between the loneliness of the secret,
and confessing my wrongs.


It knew not what to do, so it surrendered to my mind,
encased by brain enslaved to it's own demise.

Then it was my life, that proceeded to get worse,
losing jobs, friends, and school, it seemed I was cursed.
The curse began to show in others lives,
stealing them of freedom, I kept them chained at my side.
I clung on to them on my ship that was sinking,
draining their life, no remorse I was feeling.

It was no surprise when I woke up one day,
that it was five years later, I was alone, and shamed.

That all I had done was because of a choice I made,
day in and day out, the decision was the same.
That I would not love myself, a lie I long believed,
that no one could love this despicable me.

And because of that resignation of my being,
I had no reason to try anything.
I had no hope, no vision to see,
of myself better than what I have been.

I couldn't believe that others loved me,
in turn, I expected them to prove everything.
Because my reality was a twisted lie,
that nothing for myself was worth the try.

So the ones who have loved me, attempted to give freely
their love, and their time, in reality, I was stealing.
To me, I felt their love was undeserved,
so gave my entire being to show them love in return.

In this, I became a burden to anyone who cared,
because I refused to provide for myself the means to share.
I had it my way, this was an error, now I see,
if I didn't love myself, I didn't love anything.

How can I listen, when I only hear myself speaking?
How can I support, when I'm the one leaning?
How can sympathize, when I dont even know my feelings,
It is impossible, when I hate myself daily without reason.

So I lost everything I cherished, I surrendered it all,
to fear and self loathing, waiting for deaths call.
I refused to live, yet was too afraid to die,
because every day I hid behind my pride.
Behind the facade I put before all,
I thought I had everyone fooled, yet I was wrong.
Everyone saw what I was doing, and would try,
to shake me, so I would awake from my lie.
I remained stubborn, refusing to see,
the only eye that I was fooling was me.

Eventually, one by one they went away,
my friends, my loved ones, my goals for my days.
I even lost the lord, I lost the right to play.
I lost my sense of self, and in my bed I laid.
No job, no school, no money, no nothing.
Thats what I believed I was, so I became; NOTHING.

Then by a miracle, out of nothing, spoke something.
From despair and the throes of insanity, I felt, then heard him coming.
Tired and lonely, hurting, and sick,
looking up from at the bottom of my pit of despair
I looked for an exit off this road to nowhere.

Humbling, It was, being lower than low,
the consequence of walking on this wayward road.

From nothing, I would eventually come to see
some things had nothing to do with how my life came to be
it wasn't about what anyone else did, or how I was reared,
my choices made me, that finally was clear.

Why prove to others, when I couldn't prove to myself,
how could I care for another, when I destroyed my own health?
How could I tell them not to worry, then do things that hurt me,
then promise to care for them, when I couldn't care for me.
Why did I care so much if someone liked me?
I could never become what they were, they are NOT ME.

Why attend something when no one counts your attendance?
It was only between me and God now, that I could find repentance.

Why did I keep calling myself ugly, then resent rejection?
Why blame everyone else for my self made appearance?
Why do something I hated to do day to day,
then go through more stress of hiding that I did it anyway?
Why ask for help, when I had no reason to get better?
Wasting the others time in a hopeless endeavor?
Why did I hide my pain from the ones who cared most?
Why did I hide from God, the only one who could help me?
Then start to believe that he was the one who had left me?

Then somehow, somewhere, I saw the light,
everything I believed was wrong, so searched for what was right.

If I hated what I was doing, I should have just STOPPED,
to surrender to change, and learn to move on.
If I resented rejection, I needed to begin to accept myself,
and make an effort to improve my health.
If I was lonely, I shouldn't have pushed everyone away,
start trying the truth and keeping it that way.
If God had left me, how was it possible I survived?
It's because I rejected his love, in a lie.
God was always there, in the form of love of others and opportunities,
allowing me to recall that there was something better than I had chose to be.

In reflection of all that I had, I realized what I truly lost,
that all the mistakes I made, had come with a cost.

I looked at things without attachment
and without feeling, stood and looked with detachment.
Everything as it was, they were different.
When I saw them without the emotion to smear it.

It wasn't about what I was not or was given,
I made do with what I had, and created my way of living.
I had everything handed to me on a platter,
and ungratefully hating myself, let it scatter.
It never matter how everyone saw me,
how I saw myself, is what I created into being.

I don't know how I finally learned this truth,
but since then, it's been the greatest lesson from my youth.
From all my failures and wrongs, wisdom I now gain,
as long as I rise up and try again, my life wont stay the same.

So today, I live my life to myself being true,
loving what I have become, because of what I put myself through,
I am able to hold up my head and proclaim,
because the lord loved me, I can do the same.
And because I have fallen, I know what its like to empower my fate,
to believe what I was, is what I would create.

I now choose love, and in love, I have faith,
which enables me to envision a better life to make.

Life is an adventure in which I make it,
Life I create, the world is mine, to take in.
Life is experiencing the moment in every day,
taking in what I want, and discarding useless ways.
Every moment is a blessing, I faithfully concede,
in loss, in pain, true gain is received.
By trials I am purified, and in wrongs, I see the right,
the why behind every law, and the inner battle we fight,
between fear and love, there is always a choice,
but with God, I rise above, and in living, rejoice.

cranial splooge, needs work.

um brain flow, not a song. fail/win

I write, my brain ignites parts dealing with language and visual imagery,
I type blindly, eyes closed, fingers tap nimbly, sometimes tumbling.
preferring the dark to open up my perception,
eyes wide shut, reality not perceived now more or less concepted,
without light washing everything, I relate more to my reflection
close my eyes and what to or do i see,
no words, just blank, light through flesh looks green,
patters that entwine and twirl constantly,
the mosaic dance of geometry in my mind display
kinda reminds me of a ladder, amino acids, DNA?
isn’t DNA at the molecular level, imperceptible to naked optical veins
requiring the aid of mechanics to magnify it’s peptide chains?
occipital lobe transmitting and sending in code
and I wonder,
so what does the optical nerve receive in the dark sending,
transmissions to my neural cortex for rendering
to perceive anything without vision, is that thought or environmental stimulus?
without visible light, what exists beyond physical witness?
the thesis of science and physics once explained,
without tangible data, measurement, or mathematical certainty, metaphysical distained-
everything was matter, nothing else, things were as only what we could see
convenient thought to those caught up in lives busy things,
devoting time to their drive to attain more gold more health, the modern dream
I understand why, then also not. schools of thought conflict and and I ponder,
minutes, hours, years, I examine thought life as I wander
eventually one of these days,
ill choose what to believe, and perceive according so
rhetorically asking, always questioning what im told,
is the only way to live, im sorry, my soul and spirit given are bold,
and feel so uncomfortable with complacently getting old.
That’s the reason I give to my ADD,
its not a disorder, thats why I never claim it,
I simply name it so relate it to anyone else labeled and made feeling unable
I am NOT learning disabled, I am boundless in capability,
what I have is a state because of a overly excited reality
a multitude of options to experience, exponentially higher than the generations my senior,
since 1982, I had cartoons, fast food, and high fructose sweetener.
then it got even worse, with MTV, when I was 14 I was on AOL, chatting with pedophiles about NSync.
I was lucky, I was 17 with my first mobile phone,
a mototorla, the fat flip. analog, with straight tones, not-RING TONES.
it had 60 minutes a month, for 40 bucks prepaid,
and omg it was big as a brick, thick, and probally thats how much it weighed.
what the heck more now with ipods and touch,
Facebook, and tweets, and dear lord, unlimited texts for low cost?
So many interesting, disgusting, things I hear, touch, taste, and see,
my attention is commanded like stingy portion butter spread way too thinly,
how the hell could i keep still in this field of exiting irritation, to my psyche?
I thank my mom and dad for not sending me to to get the fix,
ritalin had my classmates piddling and twiddling their thumbs, obedient
my choice to get drugged later on was my own, it came and went.
education is a joke, it only chokes the only hope of freedom from illusion,
teaching only how to conform, and turn off your brains, leaving one in confusion,
if you could and you would succeed you did as a parrot,
put back onto paper what they told you, and kept daily attendance,
stayed active in extra curricular gigs, if you had the money, or the fafsa, you got into college,
where there is still a glimmer of substance for the uninitiated,
still turns out droves of tools for corporate wage enslavement
and wonder why we aren’t happy, even when we comfortably maintain
the status quo of society, cause you know inside its all its fake
only the few let that feeling rise to the conscious,
leaving them unsettled at first, then from there its just
either being always mad, or unresponsive
accepting where you are, or accepting responsibility
complacency is chosen, not imposed on or rewarded,
one of infinite paths of destiny to go with…
I digress, back to eyeballs in the dark, writing what I didn’t know how to say
cranial ,cerebral, the brain, rods and light and photons and rays,
names for things that never fully explain
sustaining the mundane, science divides through nomenclature
separating all of one sum into parts, calling them elements of nature,
defacing the beauty and erring the name of what is all of creation.
I remember I was 18, reading my first book on the new science,
it was about schrodingers cat, how it existed and didn’t,
when put in a box, it had two quantum positions,
it was, and it was not, there was no difference,
the cute kitty was there, and it wasn’t, all in the eternal instant.
it took me years to understand what the heck this dude was saying,
it was star wars stuff to me, everything is one, we’re strings!
vibration is the function though which energy is expressed,
nullifying and minimizing the concept of death, energy never ends, it transforms, absolute zero is where we come from, from nothing is everything, yielding
infinite possibility from anything, broken down smaller than elements,
smaller than atoms, then electrons, ions, we are also the space in between them, composed sub atomic woven networks bound by magnetic hems
well then that made sense, cause God said, “let there be light”
started his creation, which only after illumination, also created what was called first night.
in accordance with something i figured out when i was 12 or so, engaged in art,
light needed shadow to create lines which defined space apart,
lines, creating images, images represent structures and living,
without shadow, there would be no way to perceive what was in our vision.
white is only the combining of wavelengths expressed, a.k.a. colors,
yet if everything was white, then who could tell one from the other?
yet the same is in the dark, black, as we chose to describe it,
without light, black appears as the the state of blindness.
Why don’t we call blind peoples vision the state of whiteness?
At least in the dark, you can make up what you see, as long as you’re calm, your mind is free.
too much light overwhelms the eye, that- is truly blinding.
Too much bright light feels like too much loud sound,
filling the head with the feeling its drowned.
It never hurts when its too much dark, it doesn’t even make sense, too much dark. lol