self-written two years, 34 days ago

Self-June 1st,2009

I am a slow learner,
and for this, I've missed out on life.
Many a night spent wasting away,
steeped in poison, which caused which to decay;
the brain was the first, the second my body,
or was it my spirit, who easily succumbed to it's calling?

Then it was my heart, which battled on long,
between the loneliness of the secret,
and confessing my wrongs.


It knew not what to do, so it surrendered to my mind,
encased by brain enslaved to it's own demise.

Then it was my life, that proceeded to get worse,
losing jobs, friends, and school, it seemed I was cursed.
The curse began to show in others lives,
stealing them of freedom, I kept them chained at my side.
I clung on to them on my ship that was sinking,
draining their life, no remorse I was feeling.

It was no surprise when I woke up one day,
that it was five years later, I was alone, and shamed.

That all I had done was because of a choice I made,
day in and day out, the decision was the same.
That I would not love myself, a lie I long believed,
that no one could love this despicable me.

And because of that resignation of my being,
I had no reason to try anything.
I had no hope, no vision to see,
of myself better than what I have been.

I couldn't believe that others loved me,
in turn, I expected them to prove everything.
Because my reality was a twisted lie,
that nothing for myself was worth the try.

So the ones who have loved me, attempted to give freely
their love, and their time, in reality, I was stealing.
To me, I felt their love was undeserved,
so gave my entire being to show them love in return.

In this, I became a burden to anyone who cared,
because I refused to provide for myself the means to share.
I had it my way, this was an error, now I see,
if I didn't love myself, I didn't love anything.

How can I listen, when I only hear myself speaking?
How can I support, when I'm the one leaning?
How can sympathize, when I dont even know my feelings,
It is impossible, when I hate myself daily without reason.

So I lost everything I cherished, I surrendered it all,
to fear and self loathing, waiting for deaths call.
I refused to live, yet was too afraid to die,
because every day I hid behind my pride.
Behind the facade I put before all,
I thought I had everyone fooled, yet I was wrong.
Everyone saw what I was doing, and would try,
to shake me, so I would awake from my lie.
I remained stubborn, refusing to see,
the only eye that I was fooling was me.

Eventually, one by one they went away,
my friends, my loved ones, my goals for my days.
I even lost the lord, I lost the right to play.
I lost my sense of self, and in my bed I laid.
No job, no school, no money, no nothing.
Thats what I believed I was, so I became; NOTHING.

Then by a miracle, out of nothing, spoke something.
From despair and the throes of insanity, I felt, then heard him coming.
Tired and lonely, hurting, and sick,
looking up from at the bottom of my pit of despair
I looked for an exit off this road to nowhere.

Humbling, It was, being lower than low,
the consequence of walking on this wayward road.

From nothing, I would eventually come to see
some things had nothing to do with how my life came to be
it wasn't about what anyone else did, or how I was reared,
my choices made me, that finally was clear.

Why prove to others, when I couldn't prove to myself,
how could I care for another, when I destroyed my own health?
How could I tell them not to worry, then do things that hurt me,
then promise to care for them, when I couldn't care for me.
Why did I care so much if someone liked me?
I could never become what they were, they are NOT ME.

Why attend something when no one counts your attendance?
It was only between me and God now, that I could find repentance.

Why did I keep calling myself ugly, then resent rejection?
Why blame everyone else for my self made appearance?
Why do something I hated to do day to day,
then go through more stress of hiding that I did it anyway?
Why ask for help, when I had no reason to get better?
Wasting the others time in a hopeless endeavor?
Why did I hide my pain from the ones who cared most?
Why did I hide from God, the only one who could help me?
Then start to believe that he was the one who had left me?

Then somehow, somewhere, I saw the light,
everything I believed was wrong, so searched for what was right.

If I hated what I was doing, I should have just STOPPED,
to surrender to change, and learn to move on.
If I resented rejection, I needed to begin to accept myself,
and make an effort to improve my health.
If I was lonely, I shouldn't have pushed everyone away,
start trying the truth and keeping it that way.
If God had left me, how was it possible I survived?
It's because I rejected his love, in a lie.
God was always there, in the form of love of others and opportunities,
allowing me to recall that there was something better than I had chose to be.

In reflection of all that I had, I realized what I truly lost,
that all the mistakes I made, had come with a cost.

I looked at things without attachment
and without feeling, stood and looked with detachment.
Everything as it was, they were different.
When I saw them without the emotion to smear it.

It wasn't about what I was not or was given,
I made do with what I had, and created my way of living.
I had everything handed to me on a platter,
and ungratefully hating myself, let it scatter.
It never matter how everyone saw me,
how I saw myself, is what I created into being.

I don't know how I finally learned this truth,
but since then, it's been the greatest lesson from my youth.
From all my failures and wrongs, wisdom I now gain,
as long as I rise up and try again, my life wont stay the same.

So today, I live my life to myself being true,
loving what I have become, because of what I put myself through,
I am able to hold up my head and proclaim,
because the lord loved me, I can do the same.
And because I have fallen, I know what its like to empower my fate,
to believe what I was, is what I would create.

I now choose love, and in love, I have faith,
which enables me to envision a better life to make.

Life is an adventure in which I make it,
Life I create, the world is mine, to take in.
Life is experiencing the moment in every day,
taking in what I want, and discarding useless ways.
Every moment is a blessing, I faithfully concede,
in loss, in pain, true gain is received.
By trials I am purified, and in wrongs, I see the right,
the why behind every law, and the inner battle we fight,
between fear and love, there is always a choice,
but with God, I rise above, and in living, rejoice.

found [freewrite]

i find myself finding peace in his presence.
his aura could put me to sleep
because i feel so comfortable basking in the intensity of its calm.
but i'd want nothing more than to just stay awake for a lifetime,
so i don't miss a beat.

my breath of fresh air
every time our breaths collide
in the midst of a chaotic life of confusion.
my clarity after all this emotional mess of a life i've been.
i am, for lack of a better way of expressing it, collected now.
he pieces me back together,
and a sigh of relief releases from my lips as he reminds me;
life goes on,
love endures,
and if we can endure to the edge of forever...
we could catch onto and get a good tight grip on this thing called love.
and if possible,
simultaneously fall into its expressive twists and turns,
holding fast the sincerity it eases me into...

so, genuinely --
i want to share with him a life only imagined by the dreamers that dream wide awake;
setting imagination on fire with a passionate love
only found among those that find peace in each other's souls,
falling deep while holding on so damn tight
...onto this thing called love.

cranial splooge, needs work.

um brain flow, not a song. fail/win

I write, my brain ignites parts dealing with language and visual imagery,
I type blindly, eyes closed, fingers tap nimbly, sometimes tumbling.
preferring the dark to open up my perception,
eyes wide shut, reality not perceived now more or less concepted,
without light washing everything, I relate more to my reflection
close my eyes and what to or do i see,
no words, just blank, light through flesh looks green,
patters that entwine and twirl constantly,
the mosaic dance of geometry in my mind display
kinda reminds me of a ladder, amino acids, DNA?
isn’t DNA at the molecular level, imperceptible to naked optical veins
requiring the aid of mechanics to magnify it’s peptide chains?
occipital lobe transmitting and sending in code
and I wonder,
so what does the optical nerve receive in the dark sending,
transmissions to my neural cortex for rendering
to perceive anything without vision, is that thought or environmental stimulus?
without visible light, what exists beyond physical witness?
the thesis of science and physics once explained,
without tangible data, measurement, or mathematical certainty, metaphysical distained-
everything was matter, nothing else, things were as only what we could see
convenient thought to those caught up in lives busy things,
devoting time to their drive to attain more gold more health, the modern dream
I understand why, then also not. schools of thought conflict and and I ponder,
minutes, hours, years, I examine thought life as I wander
eventually one of these days,
ill choose what to believe, and perceive according so
rhetorically asking, always questioning what im told,
is the only way to live, im sorry, my soul and spirit given are bold,
and feel so uncomfortable with complacently getting old.
That’s the reason I give to my ADD,
its not a disorder, thats why I never claim it,
I simply name it so relate it to anyone else labeled and made feeling unable
I am NOT learning disabled, I am boundless in capability,
what I have is a state because of a overly excited reality
a multitude of options to experience, exponentially higher than the generations my senior,
since 1982, I had cartoons, fast food, and high fructose sweetener.
then it got even worse, with MTV, when I was 14 I was on AOL, chatting with pedophiles about NSync.
I was lucky, I was 17 with my first mobile phone,
a mototorla, the fat flip. analog, with straight tones, not-RING TONES.
it had 60 minutes a month, for 40 bucks prepaid,
and omg it was big as a brick, thick, and probally thats how much it weighed.
what the heck more now with ipods and touch,
Facebook, and tweets, and dear lord, unlimited texts for low cost?
So many interesting, disgusting, things I hear, touch, taste, and see,
my attention is commanded like stingy portion butter spread way too thinly,
how the hell could i keep still in this field of exiting irritation, to my psyche?
I thank my mom and dad for not sending me to to get the fix,
ritalin had my classmates piddling and twiddling their thumbs, obedient
my choice to get drugged later on was my own, it came and went.
education is a joke, it only chokes the only hope of freedom from illusion,
teaching only how to conform, and turn off your brains, leaving one in confusion,
if you could and you would succeed you did as a parrot,
put back onto paper what they told you, and kept daily attendance,
stayed active in extra curricular gigs, if you had the money, or the fafsa, you got into college,
where there is still a glimmer of substance for the uninitiated,
still turns out droves of tools for corporate wage enslavement
and wonder why we aren’t happy, even when we comfortably maintain
the status quo of society, cause you know inside its all its fake
only the few let that feeling rise to the conscious,
leaving them unsettled at first, then from there its just
either being always mad, or unresponsive
accepting where you are, or accepting responsibility
complacency is chosen, not imposed on or rewarded,
one of infinite paths of destiny to go with…
I digress, back to eyeballs in the dark, writing what I didn’t know how to say
cranial ,cerebral, the brain, rods and light and photons and rays,
names for things that never fully explain
sustaining the mundane, science divides through nomenclature
separating all of one sum into parts, calling them elements of nature,
defacing the beauty and erring the name of what is all of creation.
I remember I was 18, reading my first book on the new science,
it was about schrodingers cat, how it existed and didn’t,
when put in a box, it had two quantum positions,
it was, and it was not, there was no difference,
the cute kitty was there, and it wasn’t, all in the eternal instant.
it took me years to understand what the heck this dude was saying,
it was star wars stuff to me, everything is one, we’re strings!
vibration is the function though which energy is expressed,
nullifying and minimizing the concept of death, energy never ends, it transforms, absolute zero is where we come from, from nothing is everything, yielding
infinite possibility from anything, broken down smaller than elements,
smaller than atoms, then electrons, ions, we are also the space in between them, composed sub atomic woven networks bound by magnetic hems
well then that made sense, cause God said, “let there be light”
started his creation, which only after illumination, also created what was called first night.
in accordance with something i figured out when i was 12 or so, engaged in art,
light needed shadow to create lines which defined space apart,
lines, creating images, images represent structures and living,
without shadow, there would be no way to perceive what was in our vision.
white is only the combining of wavelengths expressed, a.k.a. colors,
yet if everything was white, then who could tell one from the other?
yet the same is in the dark, black, as we chose to describe it,
without light, black appears as the the state of blindness.
Why don’t we call blind peoples vision the state of whiteness?
At least in the dark, you can make up what you see, as long as you’re calm, your mind is free.
too much light overwhelms the eye, that- is truly blinding.
Too much bright light feels like too much loud sound,
filling the head with the feeling its drowned.
It never hurts when its too much dark, it doesn’t even make sense, too much dark. lol

"Roses are Red"

written for two of my friends that got married :)

----
To be completely honest,
I’m not one to profess that I know what “love” is…

But when I see you two
Even though I may not really know what “love” is…
I’m convinced I’ve seen it
I’m convinced it exists

It was as simple as what was already so well known
So obvious to the rest of us
We’re only witnesses to what is so undeniable
It’s beyond all those love clichés and love quotes
And so much more than just what you hear in love songs
It was like...if you told her "roses are red…"
She knew "…violets are blue"
And just like that - the passionate fire that ignites
That was our proof of a simple and easygoing…
Well, simply put - the simple miracle of you two.

And it’s not really so “over the top”
Like either of you giving the other a piece of the universe
No crazy professions and attempts of writing your name across the sky
No gifts of the sun, moon, or the stars
Just a sunny, happy, and brightly lit piece of reality you share together
Something as quiet as a moonlit walk - hands held, fingers intertwined
And the peaceful moments that ensue
It’s something like a shine or that twinkle in your eyes
That almost made him make a wish any time she blinked
Because he mistakes her gaze for the stars illuminating the night sky
Since she was the bright light and shine in his life...

It was never “too much” of anything - no need to push past the bounds of time and space
No need for promises of eternity
Just an understanding and acceptance of the meant to be -
She knew you were her destiny
And gauging by the way she knows how to make him smile
And the way he knew how to win her heart and make it race
Though there was honestly no competition at all if they both won first place

They were probably slightly delirious -
(You probably didn’t even realize the profound effect that love had on you two)
Those butterflies fluttering in their stomachs
Making ‘em stutter when they speak
Leaving them both with those weak knees
And to be honest, that’s probably how they got knocked down so unexpectedly

It was simple - merely a simple twist of fate
A spin on a simple reality that made the ordinary things suddenly new
When he said forever, you just knew
When she claimed your heart, nothing but happiness would ensue
Just like when “the everyday words seem to turn into love songs”
You see, neither of you need the sun, the moon, or the stars
When destiny had its way
This was no dream come true - it was a fated path paved for the both of you
A God given journey that even made “forever” seem like it simply wasn’t long enough

You see; I may not really know what “love” is…
But I’m convinced I’ve seen it
And I’m so convinced it exists

It’s as simple as what was already so well known
So obvious to the rest of us
Because when you tell her "roses are red…"
She already knows "…violets are blue"
Our proof of the simple miracle of a God given love for the both of you.

So congratulations to your new life together
On your simply beautiful journey as you live life anew
With everyday, taking a step closer to your own happily ever after
Our proof that even if we don't know what love is - we know it truly exists
We just know that since roses are red...violets must be blue.

freewrite

Addictive.

melt my heart and take me high

...i'm that kind of addict.

stories of overcoming toxins of a past life

not realizing the poison that's coming in.

keep it coming.

if the high fails, give me more.

...i'm that kind of addict.

everyone said i should quit

...i'm a blind kind of addict.

i inhale it, i inject it, i engulf it to the point of perceived bliss

Stop.

is this even real anymore?

does this drug even get me high

or do i just want to believe it does so much so i won't have to feel anything else?

Withdrawl.

back and forth feelings of

i need you, i miss you, i want you

realizations of

you're no good for me

you turn my veins into boiling acid disguised as blood

...still boiling.

your toxic levels rise so high, you infect everyone around you

do i still want you?

no, but that high, i'd take back any day

not from you

from Him

down

...i'm hella down for a life of uncertainty
just as long as you're not sure either
i'm down to never find what i'm looking for
just as long as you're holding my hand as we search
i'm down to never find answers to any of these questions
just as long as it's your voice telling me
you have no clue what to do...

truth

i'd like to say that there is hope
but i don't know if there was
...or is
and i find myself being too scared
to write in the present tense
vulnerability hitting me so strongly
my weak knees are already failing to keep me grounded
losing my grip on the reality of who i was without you
too worried that i'll have to find out the hard way
then i get too afraid to speak too soon
and write of you in the past tense
hands write tense
and the tension cramps up my thoughts
i'm not free
captivated and trapped in the moments of you
frozen in our winter kisses
missing our summer heat
and childish as it seems
i don't want to admit that it's over now
and maybe if i don't say it out loud
the truth won't hear me
reality won't catch me
and they'll forget to grasp onto it
onto what i already know
is too true

rant

the feather is cold, dry and virgin to present time's inkwell.
It's embellished in a reoccurring frozen thought.
I see emotions and their leaking auras ascend from it's shell,
and I decide to reach into the darkness to exclaim the current state's requiem
Attempting to explain the dirty slated ways of them,
because I'm caught in this cycle of looking back to...
"now and then" but...
I remind myself why the feather ever became neglected in the first place.
I sit justifying it to save face amongst the crowd of un-attentive peers.
The soul always felt destined to shape a seer but I still stand before you today...
incompetent...
writer's blocked, soul locked, lacking all accomplishment...
There is me.
That was then
This is now.
So now i've re-learned that optimism is this epic monument that requires maintenance on a daily basis.
and though I understand my brained is over staffed,
still...nothing ever seems to really get done.
So once again I let it go and leave nothing for those amounts to grow.
show and tell a green colored mask, show only black and royal blue,
and hope the sun lends an ear and maybe a vision too...

[september prompt]

though i know it was easier to piece it back together
even a broken mess of what used to be
instead of creating a new possibility
but my way was never the easy way
no matter what stood in the way
i had to find a way
i needed to find a way
to break the mold of a way i've hated for so long
i could already hear the echos of the past i was tryna escape
the all too familiar repetition i felt in bad habits
even when my heart started aching
i could remember the throb of the break
from past ways before
the way i didn't find on my own -
merely the way they talked to me
talked me into knowing it all

i hadn't lived my own life - i lived someone else's
it was a mess trying to piece back someone else's faded footsteps
tryna follow too closely
but in reality
the harsher truth in the lost path
the way i can't seem to find
i just wanted to make my own way
to get there
and find a way
somehow to live it
my own life
my own way...

freewrite: mismatched

loving you is like an itch i can't scratch.
and dammit, it's one of those that moves around too.
it's painful sometimes.
frustrating at others times
but amidst all the negative things i can point out about it -
all it comes down to is the fact that it's there;
whether i gave you permission or not
it doesn't seem to matter -
you invade my thoughts
and i swear i feel helpless enough to just surrender.

the mere fact alone makes me feel hopeless.
who wants to feel this way.
who wants to admit these types of things.
who in the world would want to honestly say that
someone's got a hold of their heart
and doesn't even care?
maybe that's why i can say it breaks often.

to be completely honest,
i'm a little tired and emotionally drained
and it's getting to be really heavy on the heart for me.
i know you probably think that
i'm bound to say something real sweet and poetic about you,
but loving you is frustrating.
and we, the living half heartedly
the bruised, but still alive
the painful, yet existing
loving, yet unloved
those of us...that hurt for the mere
presence and absence of mismatched emotions
...we don't listen to love songs the same.