"The Struggle with Ambiguity"

I too am obsessed with numbers.
Obsessed with the excess of my own ambiguity.
Like releasing the gates, which only I can see.
But then I'm faced with a reality which blindly sets a tone over my ears
I can no longer hear…
And then a tone opaque covers my eyes.
I can no longer see…
Now the ambiguity engulfs me.
I've only dreaded these eyes and ears because of the alleyway I once walked down upon.
Couldn't see which track I was on,
Couldn't listen to the sound track to the song that played in my foreground.
Constantly blocking the way to a mind-state that overdubbed my understanding of what was real and what was fallacy.

"I too" is probably the overstatement.
"I too" is probably the misunderstanding
I for one, am probably subject to the lie which seemed like an investment in hope.
The faith of the future.
The faith of a future.
And as repetitive as it may seem.
You just don't see the irony that has erected from the scene.
Embarrassing it is to fit in a meme which I chose not to associate with
But the reality is that I did it again and placed myself behind the myth.
All because I chose not to let the belief wither and die.
Realizing that what I've visualized before was just a cloud in the sky.
Trust me,
I've came back down from that already and unstuck my head from the nimbus on high.

Got my head out the clouds because it seemed like an unlikely destination to be in.
This compilation of text seems so scatterbrained,
believe me, I hate the feelin'.
Meddling with the rhyme,
through the sun I see the times.
if only I can see ahead to the unveiling of the mind.
I would…
But we all know that its possibility is impossible when left to a coin toss.
Which causes us to understand the lasting fact that the loss is dreaded in the mist.
So that's it. now I just criss-cross it off the main list.
Or at least I try to.
Jus do me favor for now and reevaluate self for before you think this is about you.

a snippet of my secret.

you’ve brought reading to another level,
i feel all flushed with fever.
but, instead of killing me softly,
I feel life in every morning after the unrest of the night.
I won’t listen to warnings of my heart being empty
when I know that within every single step,
my mind is getting stronger with the work out of sending vivid hopes of you from nerve to nerve.
my nerd,
my nerd,
you bring me to better aspirations,
I dream in the day again, far from R.E.M. cycles that don’t understand the loving kiss of the bright sun.
this pain you’ve jotted down has set my soul on fire
everyday since I have met you, I wonder,
have I found the spiritual confidence I have been looking for?
even if I was fooling myself I am completely grateful.
you might as well pass be the dunce hat and call me the city idiot if I didn’t take advantage of the hope and inspiration planted by your hands.
you write of love and of hope and I applaud you.
ashamedly,
I’m not even that honest when I write.
turn of phrase and double meanings,
a story within a planned out, well-executed concentration of words
yet, still so fearful of the messages I truly want to expose.
I’ve been so afraid of writing about you,
yet I dream about you listening,
you watching,
and you reading
knowing exactly which carefully chosen words are sincerely surrounded around my heart’s vision of you.
and,
I dream that one day, you’ll never have to write about hope so often, so in depth.
I know I can love you until you don’t accept loneliness anymore.
and, if that doesn’t work,
i’m going to love you every single lonely night for the rest of our existence,
so long as you love waking up on our side of the lonely world as much as I do.
your words.
you’ve somehow made me a better person.
I’m pushing forward, I’m pushing on.
sometimes, I am truly over it.
but, secretly, I read your writings,
because secretly,
I still dream of you.

An Unfinished Painting

(welcome back late night freewrite hype)


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I have come to know the image that has been painted by the soul.
It speaks of a cliché,
but I stand before you now to justify its difference.
So I gaze out through one’s presence only to find a portrait of my mind.
and as I pick it up, all the subject matter it holds runs off like un-dry paint.
Loose with no solid substance,
A fresh vision put in place with a brush oversaturated.
Overused over time to the point where it no longer bear its own original look.
How ironic, that my splitting image of the tool can be used to manipulate my self conscious
and hold the potential to build this misinterpreted perception of reality.

I understand I hold the key to unlock my minds eye,
but the only problem is it’s not so easy to see why I can’t find it.
It’s like watching a locksmith run through a ring of keys,
hoping that he would hurry up and just find the right one already.
As if life depended on it.
As if time relied on it.

But through the re-evaluation.
I’ve viewed the social norms society creates as hindrances
Restrictions to confine the spirit in which the soul wishes to regain control of.
The difference lies within these lines.
But the cliché and ironic reality is that they always remain trapped and embedded in these words.
These words that are merely a shameless, and hopeful effort to convey truth.
Because sometimes truth hurts,
and because sometimes truth should not be admitted.

So I leave the painting out to dry.
But the paint keeps running off.
Even if I laid it flat on the ground, its contents spill onto the floor.
And while many would equate this as endless tears of sadness,
I realize it now and see it like overflowing tears of joy.
A “happiness” and form of content to know that my soul is forever changing.
Never still.
Never dull
Like dancing in a cleansing rain
Paint constantly being applied to the canvas.

A painting never finished…

Written In Stone

"I'm Going with the flow" they say

Because...
Where the wind blows
Is where the decision goes
Where that wind blows
Is where your character's exposed

This is the thought processes of all the lost boats
But you cant sail the seas without feeling the breeze
You cant feel the breeze unless you're not pleased
We choose the wrong things cause it seem to show ease
We're searching for a means to an elucidating dream
Clear as the sky in July
We're trying to stay high
Without the abusiveness
Without loosing-it
A positive reaction for your profound mind
But this sometimes kill what we have inside
Priorities are clashed due to our individual sight
Blurred in a distance
We're searching for a prince or princess
Someone to talk too and listen
Who can understand your mission
So you can grow old with them
But at times we'll find peasants,
Whom we learn some important lessons
About the struggles and beauties in life,
Understanding this will bring some strives
And we can't deny
Divided by truth and falsity
"Be your own leader, try not to follow me"
Is some advice that I won't lie
Cause we're followers in this false time
While we paint love with the dollar signs of a paid stub
This goes out to the young hearts, who don't embrace love
To the women that relies too much on make-up
And to the little men who's acting hard, imitating fake thugs
Cause we're all dreamers that will never wake-up
I make love...
To the art, the life, the music, the rhyme
I have the heart to write, I use it every time
Life's the pain, the struggle, the sadness
But if you don't believe in life, then you don't believe in magic
No smoke and mirrors, just motivation and love to see things clearer
The audience is odd-in-sense
They're facade trends
Cant believe in them
They're the illusion with imaginary friends
Paying the admission price but never attend
Because the magician writes the poems to transcend
Like..
Happy endings only exist when lives are paused in a time of bliss
Release the button and press play
So we truly know what's beyond today's cliche
Because love is behind the screen names, showing affection on a keyboard
Diving into the satisfactions of the unknown weirdoes, claming they need more

MORE.


That's what everyone needs.

More of this, more of that.


We need MORE respect for our women!
We need MORE peace when it comes to our vision!
We need MORE education for our children!
We need MORE tools for our fundamental buildings!
We need MORE soul searching and less killings!

Soldiers giving MORE than an arm and a leg
They're getting arms to the brain
To the soul, to their lives
For an insufficient Presidential campaign
That don't give a damn because the government's telling lies
While the administration admit-to-be-astray in our nation
Distracting us from mass weaponry, which is no longer helping me
Questioning where should my soul-hold?
Who's opinion matters, is it about freedom, revenge, or the oil?
Seems we rather log into internet sites
Then reading the pages of our hero's lives
Where AIM is to aim the young mind's frame of absolute boredom
Your space is noticeable by your face, you said you did it for your friends
You did it for-them.

Now you're accepting these strange strangers
Approval is passed from their appearance
Don't think of the danger
Because your curiosity is your clearance
Instead of ignoring-them
You rather dedicate your mind and time on insults and comments
But what you really need is intelligence, when I'm telling-them
Reality is now artificial, people holding more then invisible pistols
They're holding delusional joints, shot glass full of sickness
Confusion that's a fist-full
Admiring those import-models, we need important role-models
Everyone's drunk off of ignorance
Seems we're all grown babies sucking out of that liquor bottle
Too emotional;
She cries
He fights
She's mad
He's glad
But both won't resist on telling the truth due to drinks they had
Love's that song where women are degraded
Because what's being played on the hit radio stations
Weak minds are persuaded
Love's the middle age man flirting with the teens
While a teenage girl acting like she's her mid-twenties
What happen to your revolution and independence, is there any?
Because when it comes to immaturity and lack of sense, there's plenty
Love's a bucket full of false hope and insecurity
Because their's a fine line between perfection and obscurity
Love is now in clubs, webpage's, and in exotic dancers.

Hypnotic, Hennessy, Tequila, is the new found answer
For problems and enjoyments which leads to escapism
We're assorted ornaments that needs to face the rhythm
Face our decision, our fate, then we'll appreciate living
Are we learning from mistakes when we take those chances?
Because who's words are actually affecting the masses?
The police?
The preacher?
The student?, the teacher?
Your parents or the world leaders?
It's the artist who holds the paint brush
To paint canvases of weightless imagery of peace
It's heavy to see because we can't handle the pressure
While the message is release
It's the musician aspired to play noise
Transforming the noise into something we're here for
Lovely sounds of unforgettable instruments
Layered with powerful lyrics to make some sense
It's in a novel, in a museum or in your iPod
It brings hope, comfort, love, or means to a God
It's you, me, and the ones we love
We affect the people, cause we know what's up
Now I'm off to be alone to write this on stone
I wish you the best, it's time to be me...time to be unknown

Dreamscapes...

"The dreamer is the designer of tomorrow. Practical men... can laugh at him; they do not know that he is the true dynamic force that pushes the world forward. Suppress him, and the world will deteriorate towards barbarism. Despised, impoverished, he leads the way... sowing, sowing, sowing, the seeds that will be harvested, not by him, but by the practical men of tomorrow, who will at the same time laugh at another indefatigable dreamer busy seeding, seeding, seeding."

-Ricardo Flores Magon (June 28, 1921)

never know.

i never want to know what it's like
to have never met you
...wondering will suffice.
only to remind me
how necessary your presence was
to me
in my life
and you
i never want to know what it's like
to forget you
trying my hardest
to remember every little detail
will be enough
to remind me
how wonderful every moment i can remember
is and always will be

and i wonder if at the end of your life
you thought to yourself
that you were glad to have met me
that you were so glad to have known me
that if ever you remembered a day of me
it was one in which i made you happier
and not burdened...
not frustrated...
but at ease and at peace...
because that's all i ask for you
in your final moments of rest
in your final moments away from us
i only wish you peace
and i can always wonder
what my life would have been like
if i had never met you
i wonder what i would be like
had i never known who you were
had i never spoke to you at all
i wonder often if you remembered me at all
in your final breaths
if you inhaled anything i said
and if you exhaled a sigh of remembrance of me
and i know your passing has nothing to do with me
the world lost you
and even then, i cannot grieve enough to show you
how we are burdened by your absence
knowing that the world will never be the same
it will still turn
but i'll only be able to view it
through tearful eyes
watery
blurred vision
like my memories of you
and with time...
i'll wonder again
if you remembered me at all
if my presence in your life was anything more to you
than a simple thought in passing

but i thank the world
as it turns in my blurred vision
that with my tearful eyes
and my weakened hands that wipe those tears away
that i will only have to wonder
but i'll never have to know for sure
how my life would have been without you...

misunderstanding

the cosmic depths of sedation
ransacked time suspended imagination
beneath old warriors and weary bones
lay rolling scrolls of sorrows
static motion caged in lost visions
apologetically chasing ancient allegories
roaming over the multiple expanses
spying wounded cities in peril
navigating tropes and plot twists
the dust refuses to settle
bridges nearly drowning in flames
and all directions point to narrow straights

i've missed the subtle inquiry
the midday rendezvous
the midnight lullabies
reminiscing adventures to a sweet chorus
while lying on lilies
untainted whispers caught in dew drops
and the message was the moment

but that was easy
soul-numbing, comfort-wielding easy

breath in with forgiven lungs
and listen with a chiseled heart
for fragmented palatal glimpses
of higher elevations
sensory derivation
rhythm in flux
could be drowned in elation

its been far too long Father
eternities it seems
since we've requested a prodigious journey
to roll back the sheath
and swiftly strike for boundless joy
and battle with aching hands held
in ragamuffin victory

liberate our captive passions
and captivate us in your liberation
stir a mighty confluence
of introspection and fraternity
of wisdom and recklessness
of action and humility

i too often wonder
when inhibitions will be overcome
when calculations will be confounded
when comforts will be violently dismantled
and our loss will be gain
let our wonder be a faint memory

to the "radical" becoming ordinary
and the abundance of "enough "

Love guided transformation
inside and out
home and abroad
roots and branches
in, through, and despite me

brought to you by "hella late...hella early early in the morning.



- - - - - - - - -

"But There's Something"

So it's time now.
The look on the face of youth stood neutral.
but he could still read through it.
because he's seen part of what lies within.
so go now,
Start your new year now!
listen and sit back to the humming of yesterday.
playback the melody into bits for my ears to feed on.

turning around, he could smell the greener grass,
but another side doesn't really exist,
because we stood atop a plain that stretches into the blue.
though each hill may attack us… we step on,
despite the rolling hills or mountains.
the self struggle will always be there.
as ordinary people, we hold this sky up with our hands.
but the self struggle inside,
is dealing with trying our best just to carry ourselves.

Through the isolation you either become independent,
or you learn how much you should of appreciated a friendship.
so go on now,
the "second" you ride on,
it's on its way now.
he's experienced enough moments of being passed by;
picked himself up and dropped himself on the pharcyde of town.
she left with "time" as it reached out with both long and short hands.
pulled her in and ticked on continuously.

All that was left was her standing in the back.
one tapped his head for her request.
so she climbed out his head and left the sub conscience.
she stood there 2 dimensional,
because he only got to see her one way.
only because she hardly opened herself true.
Their images never grew bigger in size.
while the only heart he was able to see,
was the one that laid near the ace on the bed.

and while she bled.
The timeline vanished into the end of it all.
his imagination still remained intact,
but the bruised love took the world into consideration.
And it grasped a realization that the story of my life,
Is just another repetitive string attached to it all
so while he got his.
it was time for me to go again and find another lead on trying to get mine.
so I took this piece…
stapled it into my mindset and let it ride a cloud.
The white nimbus pillow let off a stardust trail that played notes of your favorite song while i sang aloud...
Then I rode the melody as the emotion jumped out of my chest.
It soloed on the fret-board of a guitar that was playing what sounded like a way to say goodbye.

I waved away as I glanced at the sun.
I looked straight up and pinched the sun with my fingers.
placed it over my mouth, and as I dropped it in I began to swallow it
I looked down to see my soul light up, so I bid an adieu to time.
the keys dipped as each hammer hit and each hit, hit harder than last.
I listened to the whispers of the future,
and all that was left was the remnants of those who tried to ease up.

so as he turned it towards his chest,
he stuck it down his life and squeezed the trigger.
the design in turn created the image for her to see.
but instead it was pushed under the bed.

Click, Click, pull, BANG!

The shot rang out and back to "conscience" I came.
Laid back and smelled the flowers while the beat rode out my words.
while i regained consciousness...

in passing.

the present is so different than the past
like a second i missed
a blink the lasted too long
i miss it because it's not the same

time
travels
past
me

and i passed through the past
like a glance through glass
i never noticed the clarity
transparency

i wish i knew what i wanted to write
because then it would write itself
i, merely an instrument of its coming
would only do what i always do

i'll let it pass through me

but today is so different than all those previous
i wish i had more than just words
more than just unheard dimensions
because if i could speak it
it would

and all by itself
me, as unnecessary as the seconds i forget,
i would be all the more inspired
to hopefully catch it in my being
they were more than just words
when they caught me standing there
waiting

but time just passes right through me.

Missing the Old You

This if for the ladies 0__0 haha

This is actually a song I wrote around the beginning of this year. I had just finished this instrumental and I was listening to it. I kinda got this vibe off of the melody of the song about missing a girl but more in the way of missing the old her because maybe shes changed into a different person that you just can't recognize whatever the reasons may be. And thats where I got the title of "Missing the Old You" from. This song has many messages, so I'll leave you to use your imagination to find them...

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Whatever shall I do,
I don't know you anymore,
Missing the old you,
What happened to that girl before?

There have been many long days and sleepless nights,
where she was always in my dreams always in my sights,
but now as I'm bout to let my emotions go,
she changed right before my eyes in a puff of smoke,
I dunno what prompted this sudden change,
cuz she was perfect as she was... no need to rearrange,
the clothes that she wears or the way she does her hair,
or the slang she be saying though i know she be playing,
If only she knew what she does to me,
how each action she does affects me sub consciously,
and even if we've grown up in the same time and place,
I never can get used to her face,
She beautiful in her own right and she has the rights,
to my heart for too long we've been apart,
I miss her the second i don't see her,
But it seems to be shes better off without me,
So this is how the story goes...so far,
This isn't the end, til the end I will defend,
Because she is someone that I hold dear,
Now ill say it all with nothing to fear...loud and clear

Whatever shall I do,
Wheres that girl that I adore,
I see the old you,
Can I talk to that girl before?

Its been a million years since I've seen your tears,
so look up and smile because it's worthwhile,
to me...there are too many things unseen,
to have you crying because your a queen,
Now I know your feeling a little overwhelmed,
but please listen to me I have something to tell,
its about you and me and our intertwined,
destiny...I know it sounds epic so don't forget it
Now I know this characature is not your character,
I know whats causing your life's discontent,
you feel the need to change for you life's betterment,
but you were never in any shape or form the type to conform,
Is the reason for your change...is it me?
am I not cool enough not up to snuff,
with what all these kids are doing these days,
making their life a purple haze,
Where your living your life at the speed of light,
only to walk home by yourself at night,
cold to everyone who "were" you friends before,
now you ignore and give them the cold shoulder,
Now your calling me, we used to be "best" friends,
but haven't talked to you since you started to blend,
in...what happened to my friend before,
who thought kicking it was all she needed evermore,
I'm telling you now that you can still change,
and in this chapter in you life I filled this page,
I hope this reaches you like a love letter will do,
I mean... like a life changing scene on the big screen.

Whatever shall I do,
Your all I've wanted and more,
I see the new you,
Your better than you were before.

Hey girl how you been how you doing,
the hugs you give are great each one renewing,
is it just me or do you feel something brewing,
that look in your eyes got me staring wondering,
Do you ever see me more that just a friend?
or am I just "that" friend that you can always depend,
on... its seems I've been singing the same song,
cuz its been you all along,
I've always been on the outside looking in,
waiting for my within to reach you...my soul twin,
but the echoes of my soul just weren't enough,
and my mind has fallen for its own bluff,
As I look into the mirror of memories,
and look as far as these 4 eyes can see,
my eyes behold and ocean full of emotion,
but I'm too afraid to jump ship to take a dip,
I feel as everything I've done I've done in vain,
and that nothing in this world can heal this pain,
Only time will tell if I heal well,
I feel locked in a cell unable to yell,
And scream out "just let everything be",
And maybe the best way to do that is be me,
I just hope you take the me inside,
And give me the hugs that make me feel alive.