strive

a goodbye gift for my friend ljay ricardo :)

project completed with help from andrew ibarra

been a while, huh. ohhh scribbling...

on the way home from school.

the crosswalk times shorter across the highway.
i know these buses won't take me directly to you, but this city is small and i'm worthy even if i'm still paying off my dues.
i'm travelling linear, packing light. got those dirty soles beneath each step,
and all i can think is someday, without you,
this soul will have to walk the ends towards other destinations.
right now, i don't even mind our sometimes repetition,
this girl's got low tolerance for shit like that.
but, i don't look back and i know this trail i go runs down, sunken deep, and,
shit, i'm comin' home.
tired arms around me,
nothing sweet in our insults, fuck,
i can't get a nice word across when all i wanna give you is all the fuckin' romantic things that'll make you wanna hold me, kiss me, throw me in bed, and make you want to wake up next to my side of the world, wherever i am, whenever i am, for however long i am, till love do we start day in and night out.
you're insulting and i'm repulsive, but we smile, big, wide,
something sugary tingling through our tongues, anyway.
and, i must love you, 'cause you have some of my biggest pet peeves.
these footprints, asking me when the hot sun shines on them,
cries for me when the rain fills them up and threatens to wash away evidence of this blooming dedication,
and, if it snowed in san francisco, i'm sure i'd hear the question in every little flake filling up my tiny footprints that lead to you,
will i ever want someone else as much as i do you?
the 22, J, L, and N lines, the fuckin' 28, 16th & mssion, balboa, civic center, taxi! taxi!!
my moving, happy feet.
so many options to find you.

Come back...

Here's a little something I've written. It might not be much but its a start on my road to recovery hehe. Written to Say You Will (instrumental)-Kayne West

I live in a fantasy free to take the scene,
clean and purified through methods unseen,
blind but able to feel through the toes,
from the earth I was born so to her I go,
To experience the spices of life,
because I can't go feeling like I lived twice,
that other life that is far gone from me,
we don't share the same lifeline that set us free,
Free...the concept that eluded my grasp,
when one attains another is enslaved,
I'd rather be jailed and harshly derailed,
if it means helping another soul set sail,
To find the strength to stand to raise one's hand,
a victory captured in a grain of sand,
as it takes one out of millions to speak,
to change the world and be the best at our peak.

When you reach the mountain peak don't be afraid to,
speak you've earned it through your own right of will,
a testament to the power of the minds skill,
knowledge unattained from red or blue pills,
Unreal...is the language of the overdose,
the rush of chemicals to make you feel comatose,
and bed bound unable to feel or hear sound,
a young wasted mind ready to be grave bound,
So pray for a savior that she may kind,
to relax you like the sight of blue skies entwined,
a revelation let go of all that was confined,
a sign no more smoke in your lungs you'll breathe fine,
Inhale all thoughts and keep it deep in your heart,
for safe keeping as this world is demeaning,
so say what you will but may your words have weight,
hit em like a ton of bricks to make em contemplate,
Because the powers that be don't see you and me,
all they see is another clone in a vast majority,
so lets prove them wrong with our mighty souls song,
a fearless melody that will last forever long...

never finished

...this was supposed to help me out. maybe it kinda did because i dont know how to continue writing on it since ive passed my anger/frustration. i figure it isnt worth it being that angry and to finish writing it means re-living it and i dont want to be angry. especially not at you even though i have every right to be. its unfinished like most of what i write and i've intentionally mis-spelled two words but whatever here we go

i hope this doesnt fall on deaf ears
i'm realizing now that i have to be heard
to tell a story that's slightly absurd
now i'm trying to make sense
and straighten out my words
cuz for now they're just sort of stumbling out
when they should be on fire aimeed straight for her heart.
and i know theres a few who can relate to what im talking about.
so breathe in...
calm cool and steady...
WAIT FUCK THAT
this weapon is cocked back
and my words are aimeed and ready.
ready to explode
to spread my thoughts
that i've been trying to hold.
how could you...HOW COULD YOU!!!...
say those things that kept me strung along
every lyric had me believing every word of you song
when i was wrong
it was just a melody i wanted to hear
like keeping the song in my head
was a false pretense to keeping you near
because a girl like you was something i wanted to revere
you werent scared of lions tigers and bears
yet loving me was something scary
and so i was your silent secret that hid in closets and closed mouths
because you were too damn scared of speaking out
but little did they know you held my hand and called me baby
we hid under bed sheets and drove each other crazy
because behind closed doors you were mine
and for you that seemed fine
but my love doesnt cower and it doesnt place blame
so what we had is now burning up in flames
and i promised myself after this poem i recite
that i can forget you and what you were to me
as i blow these ashes out the mic.

lyric

so, truth is I can't write for sh*t. I've had a lot on my mind but the transition to paper is no bueno.
so instead I'll share 2 songs I've currently been hooked on.

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

(Yui - "AGAIN")

I still got a lot of years ahead of me to just erase these feelings.
I want to go back and finish the things I've yet to finish.

I was suppose to be chasing my ongoing dream.
Yet I faltered over others while walking this thin, winding path.

It's not that I want to return to those days.
I'm searching for the sky I lost.
Don't make that sad face, as if you've fallen victim.
as if you want people to pity you.

Tears aren't the end of your sins.
You have to bear them painfully, forever.
Who are you waiting for in the maze of emotions
where you can't even see the exit?
I want to blurt it out justly,
just like how I wrote in my white notebook
What do you want to run from?.
That thing called "reality"?

(Chorus:)
I just want to scream out,
"I'm only living to fulfill my wish." Can you hear me?
I can't take the safe way out of everything.
I don't even have a place to return to.
I'm always thankful for everyone's kindness,
that's why I want to become stronger. (I'm on the way)
This is reminding me of the old days.
This pain is all right with me.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

(SNSD - "Into the New World" : eng.)

I want to express this time of sadness
even if you hear it after the sadness is scattered.
close your eyes and try to feel my shaking heart
and see the glitter in my eyes when I face you.
Don't wait for a special miracle,
the street where we met is right in front of your eyes.
I can't change the future and habits that I don't know of;
I can't abandon them either.
Please protect me with unchanging love,
all the way up to my scarred heart.
There is no use for words within my gaze,
time has finally come to a stop.

(Chorus:)
I love you.
and at the end of my wandering,
I started to miss that feeling.
I will now say "Goodbye",
to the repeating sadness within this world.
On the many unknown roads,
I chase after that dim light.
No matter long it takes, It' something we'll do together!
After all, It's my world where we can meet again.

Don't wait for a special miracle,
the street where we met is right in front of your eyes.
I can't change the future and habits that I don't know of;
I can't abandon them either.
Please protect me with unchanging love,
all the way up to my scarred heart.
There is no use for words within my gaze,
time has finally come to a stop.

(Chorus)

Like this, I feel the dark night alone.
Your soft tender breathing
warms up the moment.
So that I can now express all my tremblings.

(Chorus 2:)
I love you.
and at the end of my wandering,
I started to miss that feeling.
I will now say "Goodbye",
to the repeating sadness within this world.
Even if I just think of you, I become stronger!
Please help me so that I don't cry
This moments feeling is something we made together
After all, it's out world where we can meet again.

king

i fell in love with steeze straight out of hip hop's jeans
in the belly of a beast, that's where hip hop sleeps
he lays next to me to meditate mentally
then eventually...
we build up a love that breaks all kinds of chemistry, physics, or any other science you can think of
cuz that's when true love began
and simple friendship switched off
see, i was just a baby
and well, he was already a man
getting ready to cup the world within the palm of his hand
so from then on
he became my reason of dress
the reason why i never get a steady beat coming from my chest
and yes...
that's where he is stationed
and he promised me that that's where he would stay put
i remember one day
i caught him whispering in another lover's ear
talking about, how he could love her for years
so i stop, rewind, and then i get played
and all i can think of was "...hoe."
see he gets around
but its because of him that i learned to be down and
common used to love her
and i still love him
erykah was the love of his life
and to me he's king
but he never bought me flowers or anything bling
cuz i bought that for myself
and thank god i found him cuz he instilled my sense of self
just like what travie said, and i quote
"to me she equaled MC squared and everything else was mathematics
i never took the time to practice"
but i never was a mathematics chump
so me and him, we had a linguistic love
and at age 10, i never planned to fall in love
that's just what instinct does
so i fell in love with steeze straight out of hip hop's jeans
and he'd be my king if only hip hop was a being

tryn to..

its been awhile since i posted..or even wrote .. sucks more that it took this to write..but hopefully its a start =)

***

ps3 and pizza. broken hearts and bali. heart and heal.

this is for the death of a once known home.
goodbye LA.

there you were in sunshine and heat,
an old home.
it was too easy to find comfort within your streets of complication -
there was an anxious exhale as i melted into your palms -
i tried place myself within your contradictions -
but instead at every turn you reminded me that i've left.

i ran away.
tears first, stumbling on my broken heart and surrounded by my fears mocking me.
"we win" they laughed
and all i could do was stare down in embarrassment
thinking my will would be enough to survive the trip into the source of my darkness, my everything.
i held my bag like it was the broken pieces of my heart
all i could collect
all that was left.
as i watched them break and fall from my eyes,
i could only but watch in agony
how quickly
how effortlessly
how naturally they gave up.

the sirens unravel in the emptiness of my failure.
they are thick, a choking poison - cancer of survival
i sit still in the remnants of your love diffused, burnt away.
how could one solitary place of strength change so much?
i turmoil within the crimson question of what, have i done?
where have i gone?
and how do i deal?

through slow sips of death to the body meaning quick death of the mind
through painful reminder of reality meaning realms wreck insights into my love
how do i endure the survival of my ghosts?
running into my psyche albeit my attempt to hide their eminence.
they haunt me into surrendering
i can only but submit to their melancholy musings.

my heart that has crawled in hope is dying.
it is being drained of all things beautiful and unrealized.
singlehandedly by the death of your promise,
it will soon not exist.
forever and ever.

overload principle

many are the hours that drag on like run on sentences
what it is can never explain what has compelled me to come to this
when drunken thoughts remain the same even after the alchy fades
and not even your sober mind can make sense of the masquerades
an awkward night sets up the following day's conversation
as you recall the things you wish you said had it been a different occasion
only your true friends can feel and witness your underlying heartaches
that are undermined by climate control, fake smiles and forced hand shakes
externally you're composed, but inside you're at a boil
as you try not to stare at the dried up dirt you once considered your rich soil
if everyday i nourished you with water, sunlight and flower seeds
and in the end the rose bloom was not destined to live for me
then i pray that God may count me ready when He deems so
and send me the most heavenly nourished love that comes matured enough to know
that every ounce of strength i've acquired from every struggle since
will be rewarded to me in the form of an appreciative, FAITHFUL & starlit prince.

promise

here's a drafted unfinished piece from 4/12/08 1:28 PM

i was inspired beyond the possibility of language
with each breath
i knew to take my deepest
inhaling in hopes to remember more
and an exhale to leave behind the bittersweet
and in passion i held it in
in hopes of prolonging the moment

...but the temporary state of my fleeting present
as it slipped to my past
and the future came too soon

i found sudden peace in his promises
that forever was nothing to fear at all
and pain was nothing more than a stutter
in beautiful song
i could still hear his melodic love
passing through me like a song

i couldn't remember the words
but my heart was in it

even through heartache
he still beat through my veins
i could still hear his melody
and it pulsed my heart back into one
strengthened by faith
strengthened by promise

a night left freely open to the darkness
only to prove that i could shine through like the stars
so i used the constellations
as my only constant
i followed their messages when i was lost
tired and weary
but i could never forget their shine
pushing me forward
and awakening to each new day
with a hope

of his promise of forever

and i knew i was never afraid.

i promised to love him forever
we began our journey from infinity
and counted backwards toward the end of days

aaahhhh blahblahblah

high six

super unfinished and not edited but its cool. oh and just to let you know i have six fingers on my right hand and only my right hand weirrrrrrrrd i know.

too often i stare at my hands
wondering
contemplating and differentiating
between what my hands tend to do
and what they intend to do
because there is a difference.
are they bound to a life
of meager work
that match their feminine stature?
or are they mean for that gritty shit
that's reflected from the scars and
grease that cover them.
Or perhaps does their misshapen symetry
have a particular use that has not been revealed to me?
Is their unique shape that missing
puzzle piece that makes my
hand fit yours in such a perfect manner
that i makes it hard to let you go?
I'd like my hands to have that unique ability
to change whatever it was I touched
from it's original form,
to something better.
I want them to leave imprints and impressions
so deep in whatever i touch
that they make caves in people's souls,
so that my song may resonate and
resound in them like and echo
that never fades.
my hands yearn for that touch so electric,
that they'd go numb in the instance
that we meet.
That kind of touch that sends a shock to
your heart and makes it skip a beat
or two
or three.
Thay want to be free
to explore the curves around that girl's face
and find their warmth entangled with her hair,
and maybe lose feeling from a bite on their
wrist.
As clumsy and faulty as my hands can be
they tend to find their confidence
during certain times.
Like when they are wrapped around a pen
dancing across pages
or when they are grasping tight
to a steering wheel.
or better yet
when they are shaky and inconfident
they find their strength when
they are clasped around yours
as if in the mids of their torrential trembling
they find a calm in the storm
when you happen to be around.