a new currency

my currency

is not green

its currently a current

my right to redefine in its urgency

the manifestation of materialism i abhor in me

the difference will be in how i define my productivity

seek and grow the area of my heart

with the most surface visibility

without servicing the american benefactor in me

its a displaced familiarity

a binary bifurcation of holistic identity

there’s power elusive to the homegrown refugee

deflowering the innocent hour poisoned for its profitability

sure as hell, i don't want that to be my legacy

the slave master, the slave

the ignorant pastor, the depraved

the cynical bastard

away from all of the above i try to run faster

I’m tired of being unprepared just waiting for my next self initiated disaster

but detractors are behind and beside me

counter with brighter loveshine that exists inside of and despite me

prayerfully its confidante of serendipity

the idealistic daydreams bubbling inside my complacency

see its always been a part of me

when freedom's child learns how to speak

no

when she opens her mouth in unison with the symphony to teach

then make music more captivating than the powerfuls’ unloving mystique

cuz im in the minority

i believe that the lion will maintain his supernatural authority

yet one day fulfill his priority of holding hands with the poor and the weak

the marginalized and the meek

and the struggle like a vicious cycle will always its find a way to reside in me

i want it to be

cuz i want every exhale from this weary chest

to be a humble plea

for interdependence and collectivity

for the furtherance of a kingdom that’s infinitely larger than me

the right to righteousness is rightfully outside of me

and i long to realize the vision of an unconditionally inclusive we

you see my currency

is not green

my medium of exchange remains

unseen but most importantly

free

like me

...

my confusion sounded like excuses
a girl trying to fight her way out
but my only defense
is hardly as intense
they think i'm just some girl
sly -- like the devil himself
cutting the backdoor for herself
with the knife she used to
stab them all in the back

but really
i just cannot pretend
i know the answers anymore.

i've been waiting for a good cry
to bring clarity to it all.
but i'm just so empty of tears
i have nothing more to offer
than a smile
to deceive them all
and i know
my confusion just sounds like...

snip snip snippet

i have heard the constant push of change
first the subtle kisses of the wind
then affectionate rumbles of tomorrow's storms
i can hear
the cries of agony from dethroned kings and kingdoms usurped by foolish love
the roaring of peace as powers topple over into humble new beginnings
the dancing of systems transformed by the rhythm of the powerless and their simple values

i can hear it
profound and clear
gathering and fast approaching
organically organizing
as i rest my head
next to an angel

i close my eyes
forget time and space and theory and worry
and quietly i listen
to a steadfast current
as steady as the inevitably of change
and as strong as the hands that craft that change

would you believe me if i told you
that i hear the revolution brewing inside of you
bubbling into music all too familiar
it whispers me home
calling me to my Maker
etching my name in star shine

i feel it
in your bones
the restlessness
the incessant beating in your chest
the yearning in your loins
the fever on your skin
i know it
because everyday
i hear it and i feel it
because it resides inside of me too

you and i
we are infinitely linked
into this web we call hope
woven by the Author of another way
an alternative to the approach we have inherited
and
it is
possible
to make possibility
a viable reality
a succulent suggestion of heaven
a stolen scene from a kingdom beyond us

because someone once said
imaginary doesn't mean its non existent
imaginary doesn't mean its non existent
imaginary doesn't mean its non existent
i believe it
i believe in imagination
because unknowingly
you teach me so much about it
everyday

i see us joining hands held
marching to the margins
bringing truth to relevance
waking to work
loving to fruition
in very small
but always
celebrated steps
imperfectly glorifying the Father
as the mustard seed movement quietly thrives

let us run unrelenting in step with the children of the sun
as our brows stain with the heat of this beautiful struggle
and i tell you its time for us to shine
knowing you are a child of the sunset
and i'm hoping that whenever you fall sunset
the Lord will rise me in your stead
to maintain playing on even fields
of greener grass
and lands that remain in the hands of those who tirelessly choose to cultivate it daily...

"my promise"

so i was inspired by eileen's piece to write a spiritual one too. i'll tell you later why, eileen. HAHA. just remind me.

_____________________________

when i think about it,
my life is as worthless as it gets
it's nothing compared to anything
that i've ever borrowed from you.

throughout my whole life, i've been nothing but a failure
nobody but just someone who dwells on borrowing things
but never returning them,
and if i return them
i don't give them back in the condition i first received it as.

i give you nothing but lies
nothing but failure
nothing but disappointment
nothing but grief
nothing but broken promises
and full of worry
it is because of me
that you are disappointed
it is because of people like me
you continue to feel doubt in your heart
it is because of people like me,
you sympathize
and empathize to me
in every prayer
you tell me,
"it's okay, don't worry,
"there's still hope,
"there's still a chance,
that you'll be saved."

you comfort in every prayer,
that no matter what,
you'll love me, just as long as i do my best
just as long as my intentions are pure and true
that i mean every single word i pray unto you
just as long as i believe in you
but not just faith alone
but faith with works.

dear God, my aspiration: perfect faith.

i try to prove to you that
i am worthy
but there is nothing i could ever do to prove that i am truly worthy of such blessings
there is nothin on earth
that could ever compare
there is NO comparison whatsoever with your blessings
your blessings are so bountiful
your blessings are so generously given

so what can i do to repay you?
this life.
this life that i BORROWED from you.
even such a sacrifice as giving up my life for you
dying in the name of yours and jesus christ

but not even such an action could compare to what you've done for me,
no God, i'm not taking my own life away
but simply proving to you that nothing can compare to what you've done for me
nothing could ever suffice for the broken promises i promised i wouldn't break

so i question,
am i even allowed to complain
about all the sufferings i've encountered
do i have the right
to even call upon you, dear father
should i even call you my father
am i truly counted as your child
although dear father i truly do feel your love and your mercy
but as undeserving as i am,
it's hard for me to truly believe that
such a loving father
such a loving God
so merciful and loving
could love such an unworthy, piece of life such as i

it is my promise to you
that come what may
i will be strong
i will truly believe that
you will always be with me
you are with me when i suffer persecutions
hardships
tests and trials
it is my faith
that you will be by my side
holding my hand
leading the way
to every single destination i must cross paths with

it's such a blessing
that i have the opportunity to call upon you, dear God
though i know these tears will continue to fall
until our lord jesus christ comes
the end is near.
my race is almost done.
just be there for me
for a couple more days
and i'll be ready.
i'll be ready,
and strong.

this, i promise.

untitled

so yeah, this poem is the completed poem of the snippet from the song "see you through" it's a poem about getting to heaven and meeting god, so don't be surprised w/ the spiritual tone =P

-----------------

from my heart
through prayer
and with your promise of forever
my eyes rain of hope
that my faith could someday push me to overcome my weaknesses
through the strength you provide.
a chance of mercy and forgiveness is all i need
to fuel my motivation and reach the end of infinity with you
no matter my struggle

i know, father, that it won’t be much longer.
some how
some way
i’ll reach the end of infinity with you

but i don’t ask to conquer the world
i don’t pray to be the best or the greatest at anything
i only ask to survive my present day
that each day may be faced with courage
that each day may be enough to prove my love

i don’t pray for my faith to move the highest mountains
for my faith to surpass anyone else’s
but only enough to ensure the hope
that one day i’ll have hope
a chance that you will lift me to meet you in the sky.

yet i am only human
and my mistakes sometimes speak louder
than my own humble prayers for mercy
my spirit is worn from the struggles of this world
so easily discouraged by the aches and pains i’ve experienced

from my heart
through prayer
and with my capabilities that only echo your endless blessings
i still feel your love
so my heart, though it is so broken,
it beats at the chance to reach you in the sky
i have realized this destiny
is my only necessity
to get through the complexity
of this life full of so much insanity
every tear has always been worth it
every heartache so worth all the pain
every sacrifice was never a means for regret

every winter sprung back to the love of spring
and even when the warmth of summer fell to the rains of fall
i was so inspired watching these seasons changing
and i was once again left to bear the tears of the sky

so, from my heart
through prayer
i don’t ask for anything more but just enough
just enough strength to revive my spirit
just enough faith to give me hope
i don’t ask for anything more than enough love
to love you for the rest of forever

and i promise that my fate
and my life in your service will begin from infinity
i’ll count backwards to reach my beginning of forever with you
for just enough to reach the new day forthcoming
i promise to love you until this infinity raises me to the sky

and with this promise to inspire nations –
no matter my struggle
i have pledged to live my life proving to you this heart is true
with each breath –
my stride relentless in my pursuit to attest to your love
though often weakened by human desire,
my faith is never abandoned
with each yesterday conquered
and every new day forthcoming

these seasons changing are my proof that you exist past the pain
i am warmed by your sunrise
my heart awakened by your rains
my soul flies higher
my eyes opened wider
my faith strengthened by my desire to make it through
i’ll follow these sunsets you’ve paved
to find my way back home to you
and i’ll live through that infinity with you
some how
some way

Here and Now

I wish i could be by you side,
but fate has given me another hole to dive,
into and its not see-through,
i see no end to this nightmare that i'm in, how long has it been,
since i've calculated and eventually reinstated,
the definition of the people in my inner circle,
as i see it dwindle to a few individuals,
i feel insignificant has those few grow distant,
the warmth from my heart goes, as i become cold,
i have 10 layers on and i'm shivering feeding,
off of what little of me i have left,
i may already be dead except for,
these flashbacks of memories that seem,
to be too happy to be memories of mine,
so i'm inclined to deny,
my minds feeding me snippets of propaganda, images of grandeur,
things that are too good to be true,
yet again making me look like a fool,
taking advantage of my definition of cool,
in my own mind im used as a tool,
for my own destruction the destruction of my soul,
souless is what i am, and who i am im not a fan,
i've fallen too many times for false friendships,
now i'm sinking in my own ship,
as i lay down ready to be laid to rest,
by the raging sea as it crashes above me
the memories again overload my mind,
what exactly is my mind trying to remind,
i see me kicking it at the movies,
with friends but even then i did pretend,
cuz i never once felt my company was wanted,
and i don't think it will, time sits still,
i hope as you read this you see through, my minds eye,
and don't worry i'm still alive,
its just a short introduction to the inner workings,
of someone thoughts and the loneliness it brought.

my safety zone

my bedroom is supposed to be one of those places where safety is supposably found so easily,
but when i think about it...
it's actually being in the arms of someone.
someone fantastic,
someone beautiful,
someone great,
someone just beyond what words can describe this person as.
it's the fact that
i've fallen in love with the way his arms just hug me so tightly

my safety zone.
my comfort.

the struggle of trying to get out of his arms
the struggle of trying to get out of his love
his care
his hands clasped as he wraps his arms around me
as we lie
so peacefully on a soft bed,

it's an everlasting struggle
of trying to release
it's impossible
just simply inevitable
his love is so strong
it keeps me safe with its strength
it'll battle whatever comes its way
maintaining its safetyness
maintaining its undying love

he is my fortress
his love keeps me safe,
accompanied by his soft, loving arms
his love
is my safety zone.
my comfort.

home.

i chose a place to call home and i can't imagine it anymore. there used to be kindness there...a comfort and a warmth irreplacable. easily. an undying happiness that pinched my cheeks into a constant smile. and now i see pride lined against the wall paper. stained carpets with ego and grudges. i tried to hide it with the furniture, but it was always showing. no matter what i covered it with. and even when i couldn't see it, my eyes viewed a tainted vision of a house instead...

...then i knew i wasn't home. maybe never home. not as happy as i had thought and not as at ease as i had previously felt. and so easily -- he stole from me what i felt was the only thing i could claim...now only mine to build. a trick door when i tried to open. a misplaced board caught on my foot and i went sprawling. tired of avoiding the cracks in my own floor, i watched carefully from one corner. ruining my own creation with a flood of tears. no insurance that this would ever be the end of destruction, but only that i would be left with less than i had come with.

but i know i'm willing to lose it all at a chance to gain it first. a risk to open my arms wide -- a risk to know that possibly there will be no one to fill them, but a chance that they will forever hold an embrace.

i can tear down my walls for a chance to live with no barriers.
i can rebuild --
and find home again.

promise

for all my tomorrows
though none of them are promised
if i am ever gifted with one brand new
i promise it to you

and i wish i had more than just promises to offer
but my hands are empty
they merely grasp onto you
a hope to cling to
because you...
are all the promise i need
for the tomorrows i have yet to give you.

Freewrite.

she is strength.
empowering barely sprouting seeds to bloom with blossom-like splendor,
she speaks like a mother and moves with subtle soul,
so significant that anyone that's someone should take notice;
seeing her from a distance makes my hope just
burst from the seams of my heart and longing dreams.
a short glance and i'm uncertainly working
up the nervous nerve to say hello and sound superb,
and hope from the bottom of my heart strings that she'll
share a few words,
and the greatest gift in this moment would be to listen
and remember how she feels, to know some of her history,
it would be a delight to hear the light in her voice
and the word selection, all her own choice,
and it would be exhilarating to have her focus on me,
I, whom has gone in and out of focus, waiting for this solstice,
wish to freeze frame time to capture her on oil canvas
and then die while starting back time because the portrait of her image
is priceless and translates understanding through all language
that she is care and all things wonderful there;
no one can compare.