never know.

i never want to know what it's like
to have never met you
...wondering will suffice.
only to remind me
how necessary your presence was
to me
in my life
and you
i never want to know what it's like
to forget you
trying my hardest
to remember every little detail
will be enough
to remind me
how wonderful every moment i can remember
is and always will be

and i wonder if at the end of your life
you thought to yourself
that you were glad to have met me
that you were so glad to have known me
that if ever you remembered a day of me
it was one in which i made you happier
and not burdened...
not frustrated...
but at ease and at peace...
because that's all i ask for you
in your final moments of rest
in your final moments away from us
i only wish you peace
and i can always wonder
what my life would have been like
if i had never met you
i wonder what i would be like
had i never known who you were
had i never spoke to you at all
i wonder often if you remembered me at all
in your final breaths
if you inhaled anything i said
and if you exhaled a sigh of remembrance of me
and i know your passing has nothing to do with me
the world lost you
and even then, i cannot grieve enough to show you
how we are burdened by your absence
knowing that the world will never be the same
it will still turn
but i'll only be able to view it
through tearful eyes
watery
blurred vision
like my memories of you
and with time...
i'll wonder again
if you remembered me at all
if my presence in your life was anything more to you
than a simple thought in passing

but i thank the world
as it turns in my blurred vision
that with my tearful eyes
and my weakened hands that wipe those tears away
that i will only have to wonder
but i'll never have to know for sure
how my life would have been without you...

misunderstanding

the cosmic depths of sedation
ransacked time suspended imagination
beneath old warriors and weary bones
lay rolling scrolls of sorrows
static motion caged in lost visions
apologetically chasing ancient allegories
roaming over the multiple expanses
spying wounded cities in peril
navigating tropes and plot twists
the dust refuses to settle
bridges nearly drowning in flames
and all directions point to narrow straights

i've missed the subtle inquiry
the midday rendezvous
the midnight lullabies
reminiscing adventures to a sweet chorus
while lying on lilies
untainted whispers caught in dew drops
and the message was the moment

but that was easy
soul-numbing, comfort-wielding easy

breath in with forgiven lungs
and listen with a chiseled heart
for fragmented palatal glimpses
of higher elevations
sensory derivation
rhythm in flux
could be drowned in elation

its been far too long Father
eternities it seems
since we've requested a prodigious journey
to roll back the sheath
and swiftly strike for boundless joy
and battle with aching hands held
in ragamuffin victory

liberate our captive passions
and captivate us in your liberation
stir a mighty confluence
of introspection and fraternity
of wisdom and recklessness
of action and humility

i too often wonder
when inhibitions will be overcome
when calculations will be confounded
when comforts will be violently dismantled
and our loss will be gain
let our wonder be a faint memory

to the "radical" becoming ordinary
and the abundance of "enough "

Love guided transformation
inside and out
home and abroad
roots and branches
in, through, and despite me

brought to you by "hella late...hella early early in the morning.



- - - - - - - - -

"But There's Something"

So it's time now.
The look on the face of youth stood neutral.
but he could still read through it.
because he's seen part of what lies within.
so go now,
Start your new year now!
listen and sit back to the humming of yesterday.
playback the melody into bits for my ears to feed on.

turning around, he could smell the greener grass,
but another side doesn't really exist,
because we stood atop a plain that stretches into the blue.
though each hill may attack us… we step on,
despite the rolling hills or mountains.
the self struggle will always be there.
as ordinary people, we hold this sky up with our hands.
but the self struggle inside,
is dealing with trying our best just to carry ourselves.

Through the isolation you either become independent,
or you learn how much you should of appreciated a friendship.
so go on now,
the "second" you ride on,
it's on its way now.
he's experienced enough moments of being passed by;
picked himself up and dropped himself on the pharcyde of town.
she left with "time" as it reached out with both long and short hands.
pulled her in and ticked on continuously.

All that was left was her standing in the back.
one tapped his head for her request.
so she climbed out his head and left the sub conscience.
she stood there 2 dimensional,
because he only got to see her one way.
only because she hardly opened herself true.
Their images never grew bigger in size.
while the only heart he was able to see,
was the one that laid near the ace on the bed.

and while she bled.
The timeline vanished into the end of it all.
his imagination still remained intact,
but the bruised love took the world into consideration.
And it grasped a realization that the story of my life,
Is just another repetitive string attached to it all
so while he got his.
it was time for me to go again and find another lead on trying to get mine.
so I took this piece…
stapled it into my mindset and let it ride a cloud.
The white nimbus pillow let off a stardust trail that played notes of your favorite song while i sang aloud...
Then I rode the melody as the emotion jumped out of my chest.
It soloed on the fret-board of a guitar that was playing what sounded like a way to say goodbye.

I waved away as I glanced at the sun.
I looked straight up and pinched the sun with my fingers.
placed it over my mouth, and as I dropped it in I began to swallow it
I looked down to see my soul light up, so I bid an adieu to time.
the keys dipped as each hammer hit and each hit, hit harder than last.
I listened to the whispers of the future,
and all that was left was the remnants of those who tried to ease up.

so as he turned it towards his chest,
he stuck it down his life and squeezed the trigger.
the design in turn created the image for her to see.
but instead it was pushed under the bed.

Click, Click, pull, BANG!

The shot rang out and back to "conscience" I came.
Laid back and smelled the flowers while the beat rode out my words.
while i regained consciousness...

in passing.

the present is so different than the past
like a second i missed
a blink the lasted too long
i miss it because it's not the same

time
travels
past
me

and i passed through the past
like a glance through glass
i never noticed the clarity
transparency

i wish i knew what i wanted to write
because then it would write itself
i, merely an instrument of its coming
would only do what i always do

i'll let it pass through me

but today is so different than all those previous
i wish i had more than just words
more than just unheard dimensions
because if i could speak it
it would

and all by itself
me, as unnecessary as the seconds i forget,
i would be all the more inspired
to hopefully catch it in my being
they were more than just words
when they caught me standing there
waiting

but time just passes right through me.

Missing the Old You

This if for the ladies 0__0 haha

This is actually a song I wrote around the beginning of this year. I had just finished this instrumental and I was listening to it. I kinda got this vibe off of the melody of the song about missing a girl but more in the way of missing the old her because maybe shes changed into a different person that you just can't recognize whatever the reasons may be. And thats where I got the title of "Missing the Old You" from. This song has many messages, so I'll leave you to use your imagination to find them...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Whatever shall I do,
I don't know you anymore,
Missing the old you,
What happened to that girl before?

There have been many long days and sleepless nights,
where she was always in my dreams always in my sights,
but now as I'm bout to let my emotions go,
she changed right before my eyes in a puff of smoke,
I dunno what prompted this sudden change,
cuz she was perfect as she was... no need to rearrange,
the clothes that she wears or the way she does her hair,
or the slang she be saying though i know she be playing,
If only she knew what she does to me,
how each action she does affects me sub consciously,
and even if we've grown up in the same time and place,
I never can get used to her face,
She beautiful in her own right and she has the rights,
to my heart for too long we've been apart,
I miss her the second i don't see her,
But it seems to be shes better off without me,
So this is how the story goes...so far,
This isn't the end, til the end I will defend,
Because she is someone that I hold dear,
Now ill say it all with nothing to fear...loud and clear

Whatever shall I do,
Wheres that girl that I adore,
I see the old you,
Can I talk to that girl before?

Its been a million years since I've seen your tears,
so look up and smile because it's worthwhile,
to me...there are too many things unseen,
to have you crying because your a queen,
Now I know your feeling a little overwhelmed,
but please listen to me I have something to tell,
its about you and me and our intertwined,
destiny...I know it sounds epic so don't forget it
Now I know this characature is not your character,
I know whats causing your life's discontent,
you feel the need to change for you life's betterment,
but you were never in any shape or form the type to conform,
Is the reason for your change...is it me?
am I not cool enough not up to snuff,
with what all these kids are doing these days,
making their life a purple haze,
Where your living your life at the speed of light,
only to walk home by yourself at night,
cold to everyone who "were" you friends before,
now you ignore and give them the cold shoulder,
Now your calling me, we used to be "best" friends,
but haven't talked to you since you started to blend,
in...what happened to my friend before,
who thought kicking it was all she needed evermore,
I'm telling you now that you can still change,
and in this chapter in you life I filled this page,
I hope this reaches you like a love letter will do,
I mean... like a life changing scene on the big screen.

Whatever shall I do,
Your all I've wanted and more,
I see the new you,
Your better than you were before.

Hey girl how you been how you doing,
the hugs you give are great each one renewing,
is it just me or do you feel something brewing,
that look in your eyes got me staring wondering,
Do you ever see me more that just a friend?
or am I just "that" friend that you can always depend,
on... its seems I've been singing the same song,
cuz its been you all along,
I've always been on the outside looking in,
waiting for my within to reach you...my soul twin,
but the echoes of my soul just weren't enough,
and my mind has fallen for its own bluff,
As I look into the mirror of memories,
and look as far as these 4 eyes can see,
my eyes behold and ocean full of emotion,
but I'm too afraid to jump ship to take a dip,
I feel as everything I've done I've done in vain,
and that nothing in this world can heal this pain,
Only time will tell if I heal well,
I feel locked in a cell unable to yell,
And scream out "just let everything be",
And maybe the best way to do that is be me,
I just hope you take the me inside,
And give me the hugs that make me feel alive.

i woke up this morning to this IM...

---- (4:13:26 AM): :(
---- (4:13:33 AM): can u post a poem for me on blarneys
---- (4:13:40 AM): i dont wanna post it bc it will show my username
---- (4:14:03 AM): here it is...its my 1st poem i've written in like a year.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

i can't explain our story
subjective pronouns doubled up in sentences
she
stands for two different people
she
falls and catches her

because you needed me
like identification
set geographically on the west
with the sun settled down, the moon falling onto my lap
you were there, with focused eyes
all sorts of emptiness and space
i held you close as we defined our existence
on this parallel plane making up our own coordinates

you kept the sweat off my lips
kept me from running
whispered into my mouth electricity
like a dozen fireflies into a cave
fluttering and flustered, feeling funny
in this space only we knew
darkness and light we share, mouth to mouth
no one will ever understand
the subtle touch that swells systemically
like an adverse effect you'd weigh the benefits over
tiptoeing around the condition like an addiction
hiding into eachother
and fitting perfectly

one night i started freestyling to street signs and corner stores
remember you riding shotgun,
i took your hand and held it
down sunset, A thru Z
it's hard to stay under the speed limit
at 3am when lights are green and exciting
and no one is stopping us
engines hydroplaning in april, wheels spinning
they are impulsive and springing forward
like trampolines and confused bullets into brains

we'd never see summer
on the same side of the earth
she left me standing on the coldest part
with the wind changing directions every second
the compass is on crack
and i feel broken
still pinned down by her stilettos
fucked on the backburner
anger is a temporary solution to my madness

you wear denial so well sometimes
believing your dreams of colorful birds diffusing through bodies
were meaningless distortions of objects
sometimes we'll graze shoulders, hug like friends and stare like lovers
but trying to kiss you is like kissing water
you ripple away
restlessly, ricocheting apologies and excuses off bare surfaces
like a combative scream
as if you never took anything from me at all

but i've taken this
pinned you down on paper
fucked you into the back of my mind
and will wear denial until it becomes reality

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

---- signed off at 4:19:21 AM.

between two

i read their story and it was beautiful
but i couldn't understand it --
but maybe out of context it barely meant a thing
but within context -- it was simply profound.
she knew his heartbeat so well
synchronized with hers
but to everyone else
it was just the sound of a bump they hit in the road
an interruption
a dream to wake up from
a bubble bound to burst
and maybe apart from the beat of their own hearts
it made no sense at all
but when it was heard by the two
stuck between two chests in attempts to combine
beating faster and faster in closer proximity
it was their moment to claim as their own
the pulse to jumpstart their awakening
and maybe no one else was supposed to understand
because it was only within context of the two.

low self-esteem

what i've been going through lately, and just recently overcame it all. enjoy?

_____________________________________________

i never knew that numbers on a scale could bother someone so much
i never knew it had that manipulation
that grasp, that control,
to change the way someone feels about themself.
that these numbers could take hold of that someone's self esteem
and decrease it by the lowest percentage possible.
these numbers were not just any numbers
they were numbers that scared me
these were numbers that spoke to me
taunted me with common media expectations
teased me with popular magazine covers
haunted my life with images of beautiful women that i wish i could mimic,
ditto their appearances
and make them my own.

every now and then, i'd cry myself to bed
hoping that one day, i'll have a body like that
my skin will someday be as flawless as theirs
my face will be perfectly shaped so i could have any hairstyle i wanted
i wanted the perfect body
i'd cry myself to sleep,
knowing that i was the complete opposite.
knowing i had not the ideal hourglass shape
i had not the most flawless skin ever
my face was round,
and so was i.

everytime i jumped onto the scale,
numbers got higher,
expectations were demanding.
i'm heavier and things keep getting worse
but that's how life is, right?
everything keeps getting worse.
keeping that in mind, i've resorted to the worse thing yet:
indirectly inflicting pain
to the ones that care and the ones that matter
it was internal self mutilation,
starvation was the answer to my problems.
it was myself in desperate need
of where to stand in society

i didnt want to stand round,
i want to stand tall and thin and beautiful
just like every other girl out there.
i wanted an ideal body
just like what everyone else wanted.
i wanted to not only fit in
but to be likable
to be eye-catching
just like everyone else.

as days went by
i grew thinner and thinner
i felt more beautiful as days passed
i now know how it feels to be thin
and beautiful
and tall, yet petite
yet inside this so-called beautiful external appearance of mine
dwelled internal pain,
where my organs were eating me alive
but this eating habit of mine
was doing this body wonders
this habit of mine was makin me feel beautiful,
and light, and skinny,
and more attractive. that's what i wanted.
i already started and i can't stop.

yet this constant pain in my stomach
grows harsh as days go by
suffering from malnutrition daily
but i loved the way i looked now.

i was constantly comparing myself to others
now it was okay to do so,
where i felt my level of envy has lowered
i reached their stage
i'm feeling quite accomplished.

although i feel like i got what i wanted,
i wanted more out of it.
i still was not satisfied
for everytime my belly stuck out
i'd starve myself again for a few more days
until it was gone. it was gone, gone, gone.

and so was i.
i was almost gone. my old self,
my own self, manipulated by numbers on a scale.
i'm killing myself.
simply over envious feelings and jealousy
it's killing me.

my friend once told me,
that when friends think of you,
they don't think of your weight,
they think of you, and who you are.

how dare these numbers
have control over my feelings.
my emotions and my well-being
how could i be so weak
to be haunted and taunted
and teased by the majority of how our society is today
how dare society take control over what and who i am
how dare i allow myself
to revolve around what the majority wants
to impress what the world wants out of me
when the world doesn't care about who i am
and what i do for the world.

from now on, i'll live up to what will be right for me,
i don't live for the world anyway. i never did.
it's controlling,
it controlled me.
but i won't let it control me anymore.

Realizing.

it's been so long since we said hello
but this simple salutation is allowing me to grow
moving on from past differences and woe,
i'm drawn to you like the west cliff lighthouse glow
a night time spark that blossoms dreams in the dark
wish i could save the patterns that destined this moment
for there were too many times whenever i tried
to realize forced beauty and overworked designing
knowing it takes more than pressure to change rock to diamond
and sensing myself rhyme just for the sake of rhyming
without any true goal, steady aim or aspiration
like unseen fireworks in my mind from july 4th celebrating,
will they remain simply as figments?
my imagination i will never let die
and with your very presence you let my wonder thrive
helping me to see the light and find my way
helping me to analyze what i choose to say
helping me to figure out problems, your assistance
helped me to align the stars of my own fate,
and as the sidewalk ends,
it looks like the fork in the road leads
to polar opposite bends,
and before i make the same mistake again,
i'll take you with me this time so we can recreate
new definitions of beautiful together,
my little fountain pen.

the sun'll love your skin.

i've got these
Dark shades -

be melting in your mouth,
you want to give a little pout,
hopin' the sun will love your skin.
wide hips, you know your baby love this,
got those curves God just kissed;
touching beauty with these hands.
just listen:

baby girl, you're at the point of no return.
there's rings all up your neck,
his fingers to match them.
oxygen slowly redeveloping tumors of pain.
your temple of skin, bruised and scratched
it seems you've forgotten
you're more than sexfaction,
his actions equal your reactions.
-yet, it's lackin'
the part where you should love yourself more.
fuck the mirror, your colorful cosmetics, those jeans that make you lean.
walk with it,
reach for the door.
please,
ignore the fence and the other side.
don't let hate push you on your knees
just take a look around
the grass is always greener if you're willing to live and die with your feet on the ground.
smell the air,
the world may be polluted,
least it's a whole lot more fresh
than those broken beats you put on repeat inside your chest.

ooooooh...don't it sound so good girl,
just to make him laugh?
see, you could still make him smile without givin' him
some of that
integrity, strength,
and self-respect.
something a lot of us understand,
and just don't ever get.
it gets a whole lot harder for people to feel whole
takes a whole lot more than two arms to embrace our souls.
i wonder,
how hard must we work on the individual?
some folks help others and seem like they've got it all.
but, we work hard to get by.
so, now you know money,
then you must know fun,
sistah, i know you was pocketless
toddler in your diapers happily playing with everyone.
but, back in the day was something else,
love was something else,
something beautiful, and and...and stupid.
couldn't duplicate such a wonderful mess...
...until you fall in love again and again and out and over just as much as the last,
may be even more than before
if you're not too tired, not too scared,
open these eyes and take it back.
to that growing feeling
when happiness left ignorance to become perserverence.
tell me,
are you even living?
your breast are moving up and down with that oxygen,
but when you want to scream the most, the air won't hear a sound.
love, let it all out.
you may never feel complete...so...
fuck perfection,

'cause
i've got these
Dark shades -
be melting in your mouth,
you want to give a little pout,
hopin' the sun will love your skin, too.
wide hips, you know your baby love this,
got those curves God just kissed;
touching beauty with these hands. (x2)

love, just let it all out.