i woke up this morning to this IM...

---- (4:13:26 AM): :(
---- (4:13:33 AM): can u post a poem for me on blarneys
---- (4:13:40 AM): i dont wanna post it bc it will show my username
---- (4:14:03 AM): here it is...its my 1st poem i've written in like a year.

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i can't explain our story
subjective pronouns doubled up in sentences
she
stands for two different people
she
falls and catches her

because you needed me
like identification
set geographically on the west
with the sun settled down, the moon falling onto my lap
you were there, with focused eyes
all sorts of emptiness and space
i held you close as we defined our existence
on this parallel plane making up our own coordinates

you kept the sweat off my lips
kept me from running
whispered into my mouth electricity
like a dozen fireflies into a cave
fluttering and flustered, feeling funny
in this space only we knew
darkness and light we share, mouth to mouth
no one will ever understand
the subtle touch that swells systemically
like an adverse effect you'd weigh the benefits over
tiptoeing around the condition like an addiction
hiding into eachother
and fitting perfectly

one night i started freestyling to street signs and corner stores
remember you riding shotgun,
i took your hand and held it
down sunset, A thru Z
it's hard to stay under the speed limit
at 3am when lights are green and exciting
and no one is stopping us
engines hydroplaning in april, wheels spinning
they are impulsive and springing forward
like trampolines and confused bullets into brains

we'd never see summer
on the same side of the earth
she left me standing on the coldest part
with the wind changing directions every second
the compass is on crack
and i feel broken
still pinned down by her stilettos
fucked on the backburner
anger is a temporary solution to my madness

you wear denial so well sometimes
believing your dreams of colorful birds diffusing through bodies
were meaningless distortions of objects
sometimes we'll graze shoulders, hug like friends and stare like lovers
but trying to kiss you is like kissing water
you ripple away
restlessly, ricocheting apologies and excuses off bare surfaces
like a combative scream
as if you never took anything from me at all

but i've taken this
pinned you down on paper
fucked you into the back of my mind
and will wear denial until it becomes reality

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---- signed off at 4:19:21 AM.

between two

i read their story and it was beautiful
but i couldn't understand it --
but maybe out of context it barely meant a thing
but within context -- it was simply profound.
she knew his heartbeat so well
synchronized with hers
but to everyone else
it was just the sound of a bump they hit in the road
an interruption
a dream to wake up from
a bubble bound to burst
and maybe apart from the beat of their own hearts
it made no sense at all
but when it was heard by the two
stuck between two chests in attempts to combine
beating faster and faster in closer proximity
it was their moment to claim as their own
the pulse to jumpstart their awakening
and maybe no one else was supposed to understand
because it was only within context of the two.

low self-esteem

what i've been going through lately, and just recently overcame it all. enjoy?

_____________________________________________

i never knew that numbers on a scale could bother someone so much
i never knew it had that manipulation
that grasp, that control,
to change the way someone feels about themself.
that these numbers could take hold of that someone's self esteem
and decrease it by the lowest percentage possible.
these numbers were not just any numbers
they were numbers that scared me
these were numbers that spoke to me
taunted me with common media expectations
teased me with popular magazine covers
haunted my life with images of beautiful women that i wish i could mimic,
ditto their appearances
and make them my own.

every now and then, i'd cry myself to bed
hoping that one day, i'll have a body like that
my skin will someday be as flawless as theirs
my face will be perfectly shaped so i could have any hairstyle i wanted
i wanted the perfect body
i'd cry myself to sleep,
knowing that i was the complete opposite.
knowing i had not the ideal hourglass shape
i had not the most flawless skin ever
my face was round,
and so was i.

everytime i jumped onto the scale,
numbers got higher,
expectations were demanding.
i'm heavier and things keep getting worse
but that's how life is, right?
everything keeps getting worse.
keeping that in mind, i've resorted to the worse thing yet:
indirectly inflicting pain
to the ones that care and the ones that matter
it was internal self mutilation,
starvation was the answer to my problems.
it was myself in desperate need
of where to stand in society

i didnt want to stand round,
i want to stand tall and thin and beautiful
just like every other girl out there.
i wanted an ideal body
just like what everyone else wanted.
i wanted to not only fit in
but to be likable
to be eye-catching
just like everyone else.

as days went by
i grew thinner and thinner
i felt more beautiful as days passed
i now know how it feels to be thin
and beautiful
and tall, yet petite
yet inside this so-called beautiful external appearance of mine
dwelled internal pain,
where my organs were eating me alive
but this eating habit of mine
was doing this body wonders
this habit of mine was makin me feel beautiful,
and light, and skinny,
and more attractive. that's what i wanted.
i already started and i can't stop.

yet this constant pain in my stomach
grows harsh as days go by
suffering from malnutrition daily
but i loved the way i looked now.

i was constantly comparing myself to others
now it was okay to do so,
where i felt my level of envy has lowered
i reached their stage
i'm feeling quite accomplished.

although i feel like i got what i wanted,
i wanted more out of it.
i still was not satisfied
for everytime my belly stuck out
i'd starve myself again for a few more days
until it was gone. it was gone, gone, gone.

and so was i.
i was almost gone. my old self,
my own self, manipulated by numbers on a scale.
i'm killing myself.
simply over envious feelings and jealousy
it's killing me.

my friend once told me,
that when friends think of you,
they don't think of your weight,
they think of you, and who you are.

how dare these numbers
have control over my feelings.
my emotions and my well-being
how could i be so weak
to be haunted and taunted
and teased by the majority of how our society is today
how dare society take control over what and who i am
how dare i allow myself
to revolve around what the majority wants
to impress what the world wants out of me
when the world doesn't care about who i am
and what i do for the world.

from now on, i'll live up to what will be right for me,
i don't live for the world anyway. i never did.
it's controlling,
it controlled me.
but i won't let it control me anymore.

Realizing.

it's been so long since we said hello
but this simple salutation is allowing me to grow
moving on from past differences and woe,
i'm drawn to you like the west cliff lighthouse glow
a night time spark that blossoms dreams in the dark
wish i could save the patterns that destined this moment
for there were too many times whenever i tried
to realize forced beauty and overworked designing
knowing it takes more than pressure to change rock to diamond
and sensing myself rhyme just for the sake of rhyming
without any true goal, steady aim or aspiration
like unseen fireworks in my mind from july 4th celebrating,
will they remain simply as figments?
my imagination i will never let die
and with your very presence you let my wonder thrive
helping me to see the light and find my way
helping me to analyze what i choose to say
helping me to figure out problems, your assistance
helped me to align the stars of my own fate,
and as the sidewalk ends,
it looks like the fork in the road leads
to polar opposite bends,
and before i make the same mistake again,
i'll take you with me this time so we can recreate
new definitions of beautiful together,
my little fountain pen.

the sun'll love your skin.

i've got these
Dark shades -

be melting in your mouth,
you want to give a little pout,
hopin' the sun will love your skin.
wide hips, you know your baby love this,
got those curves God just kissed;
touching beauty with these hands.
just listen:

baby girl, you're at the point of no return.
there's rings all up your neck,
his fingers to match them.
oxygen slowly redeveloping tumors of pain.
your temple of skin, bruised and scratched
it seems you've forgotten
you're more than sexfaction,
his actions equal your reactions.
-yet, it's lackin'
the part where you should love yourself more.
fuck the mirror, your colorful cosmetics, those jeans that make you lean.
walk with it,
reach for the door.
please,
ignore the fence and the other side.
don't let hate push you on your knees
just take a look around
the grass is always greener if you're willing to live and die with your feet on the ground.
smell the air,
the world may be polluted,
least it's a whole lot more fresh
than those broken beats you put on repeat inside your chest.

ooooooh...don't it sound so good girl,
just to make him laugh?
see, you could still make him smile without givin' him
some of that
integrity, strength,
and self-respect.
something a lot of us understand,
and just don't ever get.
it gets a whole lot harder for people to feel whole
takes a whole lot more than two arms to embrace our souls.
i wonder,
how hard must we work on the individual?
some folks help others and seem like they've got it all.
but, we work hard to get by.
so, now you know money,
then you must know fun,
sistah, i know you was pocketless
toddler in your diapers happily playing with everyone.
but, back in the day was something else,
love was something else,
something beautiful, and and...and stupid.
couldn't duplicate such a wonderful mess...
...until you fall in love again and again and out and over just as much as the last,
may be even more than before
if you're not too tired, not too scared,
open these eyes and take it back.
to that growing feeling
when happiness left ignorance to become perserverence.
tell me,
are you even living?
your breast are moving up and down with that oxygen,
but when you want to scream the most, the air won't hear a sound.
love, let it all out.
you may never feel complete...so...
fuck perfection,

'cause
i've got these
Dark shades -
be melting in your mouth,
you want to give a little pout,
hopin' the sun will love your skin, too.
wide hips, you know your baby love this,
got those curves God just kissed;
touching beauty with these hands. (x2)

love, just let it all out.