i wanna know what makes you tick
so i know what clock you're living by
then my timing won't be so wrong
i won't say the wrong things at the wrong times
this time i'll be on the right track
i just kept getting lost in the constant maze you pull me through
expecting me to know my way
when i'm not sure if there is a way at all
all i get...all i find...is myself lost again.
i wanna figure this out already

onetwo

onetwoonetwoonetwoonetwo.never stop running. never stop counting. never stop racing. never stop competing. never stop moving. never stop thinking. never stop pushing. never stop forcing. never stop sprinting. never stop the burning. never stop the yearning. never stop the sweating. never stop the motion. never stop the commotion. never stop trying. never stop sighing. never stop crying. never stop dying. but never stop living. it's all we got. so stare through the glare, past the present, past the future, past the infinite, and into the now. the now. just the now. right here, right now. never again. always forever. the now. this moment. it's all we got.

abyss

blank black wall. it's all that i see. the black blank canvas. just a glossy, wide-eyed stare. nothing in it but empty space. black and blank. inverted supernova. blank and black. it works like a black hole siphoning up all intangible thought. spewing it out again in an unseen universe. transverse universe. transition to inverse and disperse. black empty void. no one ever knows until they're told. the wreaths hanging from doors and the lights twinkling through the gentle fog are nothing but black on a blank wall. the frost in the air is the gloss on the wall. my confusion is the finishing touch on the piece. just a blank, black canvas. void. empty. abysmal.

free write to get you to write free

You’re sitting at your desk but I’m standing behind the chipped paint on your walls
Behind the sticky post it notes that remind you to return those books you picked up and what albums you’ve been meaning to cop at the record store
I’m soaked in that green tea that’s cold now that you drank to calm those nerves rushing through your system
And I ooze through those achy fists that you squeeze to alleviate the pain of writing too damn hard
I’m at the top right corner of the room that you stare up at when you’re thinking of what to say
And resting in the curl of your brow when you’re deep in thought
I embrace you internally
And I leave you with a smile that’s so perfectly perplexed
Who am I?
I’m your sense of creativity
Your artistic serendipity
Positively provocative
I provoke mental notes
I have no sense of time, so time can’t tell when I’ll come by next but if you sit quietly enough you’ll sense that I’m already there
ready and set to burst out at the first signal of final absolute release.
But can I just take the time to tell you
That You are the Positive Motivating force within My life
You appreciate me?
Man I appreciate you!
You are the tool to my revolution
The voice to this muse
My juice is squeezed from the Freshest fruit
from the tree of life so I’m good for you
I inspire you to keep movin’ from soul II soul
So I can spread the word of what’s deep inside yours
I am that mutagenic gene that influences you to generate into that intellectual virus
ready to aesthetically infiltrate and infect an entire population not yet equipped to find a cure
Yet together we heal the world
You don’t know it, but I study the phrenology of your brain
Trying to gain the best free knowledge of how to get to you
Your Sensations heighten as I grip from your fingertips your pen
It’s my mind, your hand
Is my heart (you're dope golda, if you're reading this)
And the hardest part is always the start
But once you know you have me,
There’s no point in letting go because its up to me to let you be
So free yourself from those writers blocks,
the times you waste your time thinking you think too hard
I’m sending you subliminal messages all around the room
Throughout your day I was shouting out from those dog eared pages you marked that inspired you
From those three random bolded words in that magazine that just popped out at you
I spoke to you while you were speaking to that long lost friend you ran into on the street choppin it up into those 7 minute long conversations that update and uplift you
And I made you run for cover from that vicious ass bomb left on that wall you passed as you were biking
I sparked that twinkle in your eye as that fly girl got on the same bus ride and made you just wanna write down a long list of adjectives to describe how damn beautiful the day got after she coincidentally sat next to you
I am your butterflies
I am your third eye
I’m what keeps you awake with those life theories thought processes late at night
So don’t fight
Embrace, indulge, inhale me
Any thoughts reflections releasing inhibitions it’s poetry
So seek poetic justice
And inform me
And inform the rest of the world
What wonder wanders in your mind lately

Counting sheep while making beats

i feel a certain unrest when trying to rest myself,
staying up too late isnt good for my health,
trying to unwind these binds that hold me down,
a certain sorrow of no sleep trying to count sheep,
my exterior feels the coldness of the room,
sleeping pills i wanna consume before i see the full moon,
before i turn into something im not then be forgotten,
as i close my eyes i hear my heartbeat skip a beat,
my dreams i want to meet and greet so i can speak,
of what i want THEM to do for me,
to take me away from this reality full of vanity.

as i proceed to dream of being sucessful with green,
i am whisked away to a dream of another day,
where im not rich and not everything goes without a hitch
even though its not the perfect existence,
a future without a blueprint where you can leave your fingerprint,
is the perfect excuse to live with persistence,
then a voice in my head has some words of wisdom to shed,
dont forget or regret what made you choose your lifes template,
you are the architect of your building so build it with feeling,
you are the CEO of that company so start making money,
you are who you are so dont feel that you are bizarre.

you have the support of all your loyal cohorts,
ready and waiting but never tainting,
making a painting thats never fading,
helping you out to make you shout,
out loud thats its who you are that makes you proud,
and its with them you share the kick and the snare,
which makes a beat that makes everyone stand on their feet,
which make everyone applause and put you life on pause,
was all of this my cause?
but dont smear the faces of the ones that helped bring you here
you take each others plight with all your might,
because you all share the same life under one light.

now my minds at ease because my wants have been pleased,
i can now let go and make my own flow,
i go into a deep sleep and find inner peace...

"exhale when stars appear."

i've taken a break from writing
but obviously i'm taking a tiny break from that..
i couldn't sleep and i felt like writing something

note: it's 4:26 a.m.

- - - - - - - - -

a coincidence...
inhale the cool air of a summer midnight.
standing in the middle of the plaza by the pier,
it was either fight or flight.
i let the emotions run dry,
a faucet empty and not willing to spare a drop.
a simple exchange was interpreted as betrayal,
so i walked away.
you stepped in front.
i stopped...
a bench appeared and i stir clear of the glares to sit there.
just simply glancing into the bay,
only wondering what you cared.
the bridge lights vividly ran astray,
and when i opened my mouth to speak,
the stare from you became too cliche.
the words danced a blur
i stood up to tell you straight
so when i lined them up phrase by phrase in my head,
my sight faded black, my body stripped of its strength,
i fell awake in bed.
i grew irritated of seeing my interpretations be embellished into another reality
but i laid more frustrated to the fact that i couldn't dream it back.
what could i have said?
what did she have to say?
all because of stupid cell phone alarm.
exhale on the cool breeze of a summer midnight.

I want to tell you (addition)

I can feel you holding my hand tight, interlaced as if you double knotted your fingers with mine twice, locked in so deep that not even ice could penetrate the heat, which our two hands make, it’s like together we’re making an earthquake, and when we walk the earth, the earth quakes because of the great love we have is just so GREAT…
I want to tell you that even though that maybe one day we might be ½ a day apart I can only say my ½ beating heart, will still beat in the same rhythm as yours.
That I’ll wait until your ½ comes back to mine, then we’ll be one again and we’ll be just fine, but I know that it’ll take some time, and I’m willing to wait. You know that I’ll wait. Until you make- that choice I’ll just sit and contemplate, about the good times that we’ve had, and the good times we’ll have.

nonsense

its not everyday i feel like this--
a sudden rush of inspiration
coupled with contentment
a good amount of happiness on top
with oodles of love on the side
can you understand me?
i don’t understand me..
--yet everything makes perfect sense

coldness [write]

Stone cold…
No more feeling inside this body of mine
Only the feeling of numbness and emptiness deep inside
Thoughts…But no emotions run through my mind
And All I seem to feel is pain

Every now and then I catch a glimpse of happiness
Happiness caused by laughter but is lost within a split second
A quick rare moment in time

When people look at me
All they see is a front
Fake smiles, fake thoughts. Lies made to myself
A front created by me in order to escape any questions
Reaching a new level of schizophrenia

The real, expressive, innocent version of me is trapped inside
Deep down hidden under numerous locks and mazes
Trying to find a way out but unable to due to fear of rejection
The minute I begin to let him come out and reveal himself
Others come to me with their issues
And I sacrifice myself to help them
I feel for others yet not for myself

Not trying to be selfish, but I hate this feeling deep inside
This feeling of pain at the pit of my stomach.
And the feeling of a loss of breath and staggered step
Heart pounding, beating loudly, yet there is no reason to it.
No reason I can find, searching my heart mind and soul
There are some that try to get inside
Those that feel and relate to me
The select few that know how I really am. Or think they do.
In reality. There is none who knows me
It’s impossible for others to know me if I don’t know myself.

[freewrite piece]

Real talk.
I think that life throws you obstacles that you need to get through
And it’s up to you to get through the right way or slip by the wrong way
And everything that happens has a cause and effect.
Like an effect that's direct. Or even indirect.
Every influence that passes by. Changes us.
Whether it pushes us to that influence.
Or against it.
It’s a rather philosophical outlook on life
Which requires time and understanding.
Which requires? An open mind... So we can all understand where were

Some people change. Others don't.
Well actually I take that back cause.
Everyone changes in one way or another.
You just may not realize it.
Till it’s too late?
Or no. Maybe you realize it and you want to change
A change for the better.
A change for the worse
Confronted with so many choices were lost in a revolving curse
One that appears and disappears over and over again
With problems that occur and reoccur and reoccur once again.

Some people don't realize it. Cause they may be shadowed.
Shit I was shadowed too. Till someone shined the light in my eyes.
I was just a shadow following others. Who followed others.
Who was probably following another
Thus following a chain of others that ended up being a chain where we
follow the wrong one.
But what dictates the wrong chain from the right chain.
Cause there's those with the positive effect on people
And those with a negative effect.
And how do we know which were in and in time redirect and go the
Different effect.
The one were meant to go to.
The positive and negative blend together like a battery.
Both feeding of each others charge.
Taking or giving. Or just passing through.
There's a change that takes place.
And it makes us wonder whose place to take
And how it makes us what we are
There's usually that one person that affects us and make a change for
The better.
Or maybe two. Three people. A community of neighbor’s friends. Family.
A support group of people that's always there to positively charge us
When were down
And to make sure negativity stays away.

But back to the changes.
The changes we make to ourselves and the way we carry and make
Ourselves flow affects others.
Though you may not realize
Under those childly faces
Teenage acting and criticizing disguises.
A positive attitude affects the whole community.
And I don't only mean a community.
As in your area or your hood
I mean the community of people around you whether they support or
Neglect.
There's that effect.

Each person you come in contact with shapes who you are
They can leave you happy or can leave you with a scar.
But that still has an effect.
And it’s all in your head how you want to perceive that effect.
Whether you wanna go their way. Or your way.
Its all choices that you've got to make.
Whether you want to be that positive or negative effect on yourself
Or others.
We gotta realize who we are ourselves
And look in the inner workings of our own...inner subconscious
Cause under that front. That fakes.
That wanna be person you have when you’re out on a date.
Or that wanna be person you just gotta take...everywhere you go
With that kinda life. Where do you find time for yourself?
Slowly and slowly you have a split personality. A front.
Till the end your stick with anew persona.
Losing the good in your true self
The one you were born with.
Remember as a kid. An innocent child.
The unchanged personality. Where the most change in persona you had was
What your favorite cartoon character was.
But it’s all changed. Cause of cause and effect
Everything’s a cause and our society is the effect.

Look in the mirror and tell me deep down if you like what you see
Cause to be real. I don't approve of what i see
It seems we all put up a front or try to compensate for things that
Don’t really matter.
And it’s not bad to compensate. But when compensation gets to that
Level of determination
And it becomes competition to be the best
To impress yourselves and others by all means necessary
To make something of yourselves and show them you’re something with worth
That you worn born with a greater purpose. And not just an accident
That
Happen to get birthed.
Nature vs. nurture. The all time debate.
Are we born this way or does the society and those around us affect us.

It’s a mixture of both. But mostly nurture.
Cause of once again it’s the effect of others on us.
And we gotta learn to trust.
Cause what's a society and relationship without trust.
More like disgust. But this is the sad strange reality most have come
To
Be
Looking out for number 1
Ourselves. When we should put ourselves last and put others in front
But I guess that's the way the plus and negative charge works...a
Continuous revolving circle.
And it all depends what you make yourself become
Free or chained in that revolving circle we’ve come to call home.

merely

[freewrite]

it was so small
i wouldn't have noticed it had he not said a word

...but that was just it - a mere word or two...
and i could feel the fire ignite burning inside his chest
i swear i watched it heaving with emotions that knew no language
i watched each individual spark fly from twilight to sky high
proving to me the limitless sky existed
i saw his eyes light up - opened for the first time
glowing on each vision they had caught
i saw the sky brighter - the moon prove the night wrong
illuminating past every shadow of darkness

and he made me feel like i had never seen anything before
...until then.

i was so inspired
to see him inspired.

[thanks vj!]

I Crossed.

i crossed my fingers hoping to make this right,
and stayed up all night 2 get this sh$t tight.
i crossed my arms waiting for the chance,
the opportunity to come closer, advance.
enhanced by your possibility,
i'd chance one loss for one finity,
then to infinitely regret a shot of our own affinity.

i crossed an ocean of dreams to get to you
so to just for 1nce not wake up sad and blue.
i crossed an ocean of storms, snow and hail
to warm up next to you; there were no options to fail.
i crossed an ocean of tears so i'd smile the happiest smile, so true;

i crossed an ocean of words and finally i found you.

barrage! (3 in 1)

the shadows form constellations of light that dance for hours along the uneven surfaces of the cement walkways. the breezeway funnels in cool air to both shelter and expose us to the elements of nature. as the ferns reach in every direction to find the sun, i sit here mesmerized by my lack of motivation towards all walks of life. i sit here and claw my brain until it bleeds the words i must force to drop onto these blank canvases. if you constantly have to force something, is it ever really worth it? if i must decide between monotony and exuberance, i'd go for monotony, but i'd disguise it in exuberance to fool the blood-thirsty fiends who feed on the uninspired minds of youth.


walking these streets with only my jangling keys while the late night air nips at my fingers is the only escape from the confines of my cave of white snow. i walk for hours with no destinations, end up in the same old places. the major part of this city is so sad now, nothing but drunk businessmen and transient men snoring while shaking gently in a bus stop. the smell of marijuana wafts across me every time i walk past a house with a dull blue aura in the window. the art in this city is ridiculously repetitive with the same six figures painted on every corner and the numerous unpracticed and illegible scrawls on the walls. paint covers the paint until more paint covers that paint and so on. this slow, quiet little city is the one in which i was raised. i am forced to feel love for the place when all i really want to do is escape...


awaken rudely, in an enjoyable way. the dull light shines through the window's shades. the sounds of breathing and rain trickling fill my world. the gently throbbing light from the computer on the desk lights up the roof every three seconds. stomach empty, eyes full, mind vacant, heart sore. the warmth in the sheets and comfort in the dreamstate uplift the thoughts to the ceiling, but they cannot escape any higher than that. no dreamy ideas for the heavens this morning, just the taste of stale breath like cigarettes and the soft sound of the rain on newly fallen leaves.

sometimes you just gotta let go...

I know my everyday is riddled with dismay,
Knowing full well the horrors on display,
In my own mind I'm subject to negative thinking,
I need to face my fears without blinking.

Dreams that fade as i stay awake,
Insomnia is what keeps me up late,
Stars i wish i could reach out and take,
To start a new life with a clean slate.

But its undeniable I love life right now,
Regardless of the when where and how,
No matter the numerous hardships and strife,
Unhindered by all because this is my life.

Truth be told I'll be on my hands and knees,
Succumbed to the burdens that won't set me free,
Struggling to atone for this world's madness,
Tainted by the many scenes of unhappiness.

Why are so many hard-pressed to be depressed?
Having sins in their hearts not yet confessed,
Afraid that if revealed their reputation ruined,
Being sucked up by the black hole within.

But honesty is well worth its weight in gold,
When the burdens on your shoulders are reduced ten-fold,
Knowing everything on you chest has been released,
Being yourself works wonders and it'll never cease.

I don't wanna live my life living on regrets,
I wanna accompany my life to its best yet,
To see truths told in the darkness of my soul,
To be able to let go...

wtf i got a paper due at 10

My family always told me that blood is thicker than water
And looking down at the bloody scrape on my knee, or the fatty bruise on my elbow, or the scratch and bite mark on my cheek,
it didn't yet make sense to me.
All I knew was that me and my brother rough housed too much,
and HE should be the one to get the belt, or the hanger,
or my personal most feared: slap on the hand by my dad's unsurmountable heavy hitting palm...
like a high-five gone terribly wrong
But those heavy hands made an indellible mark not just on the top of my hands,
but the frontside of my morality,
the backside of my dignity,
the insides of my soul-to-be
because after every hit, those words were always repeated: blood is thicker than water.
Yea, water flows, it promotes growth,
It is the sign, the key to life.
But blood... blood seeps through your bones
and it flows through interstitial crevices only the most familiar know,
and it's the connection that makes that neverending circulation around your heavy beating heart.
that same heart that grows not from water,
but from the days your mom held you close to hers when you were scared that those butterflies in the backyard might sting you,
or the times your grandma used to pray the rosary outside preschool class just to let you know that she was still there and didn't leave you...
or those nights your dad would carry you AND your brother from the car into the house after those late night fam party sessions,
or the time your brother gave you a piggy back ride all the way home b/c your slipper broke when you were running from that mad old lady hella heated cuz you were playing on her lawn.
See, blood flows from every outlet of the people who made you, take you
for what you are, and what you've become,
and are proud... for the mere fact that you're their daugher, sister, niece, cuuz, grandaughter...
and this Fuels you.
it IS what gives you life.
it IS the key to infinity
where you drop down on your knees and pray that when thy kingdom come,
they'll be there too.
Because water is clear and comprehensible, understood by all of humankind.
But blood rushes deep from the hearts that will always understand YOU.

short & sweet --random

you're that fresh air i need
the promise i'd never break
the comfort i seek
the hand i want to hold

truth

scatterbrain beat hits the cerebrals of the crescent moon and splashes the crash every other pentameter. with the crowing of the brass rooster in the horizon above the eastern sunrise. the mountains spiral up in chords of dioxyribose while the nucleotides of acidic reflux of my father's astigmatismic sight; genetic pool's rich in flaws. volcanic eruptions carry the music notes and the baritone of the homeless man's narcoleptic tourette's voice. lost in the blurred vision of the icy roadway next to the skilift when his eyelids open to see hers staring back into his. a comfort so deep that he can't breathe in his sleep. the cortex of the hurricane system forecasts the retreat for shelter in the skull of a rabbit; hollowed. hallowed be the hollowed hallway leading all the way to the radioactive fallaway. the fallout is white as snow and crisp as glass shards spewed from the windshield of my car at eighty-three miles an hour. of course i'm dreaming, silly, is anything ever truth with me?

flourescent/red/tired/recklessly

Driving northbound on the 101...
A flourescent red sign read to me in bright bold letters: Stay Alive
As tired as I was, suddenly my eyes woke up and glanced a little harder
Taking it as more than just a sign, I thought of why these words chose me to read them
My eyebrows curled, my mind watered as my thoughts began marinating in its own creative juices.
Questions begain invading the corners of my brain:
Have i lost life lately, or has life lost me?
Stay Alive
Have I just been recklessly going thru the motions and not really taking it all in for what its realy worth?
Stay alive
Have i let lessons pass me w/o learning them yet?
stay alive
Am I aware that this life was made specific tailored to the unique sillhouette of my soul so much to forget that deep down i'm the only one who can truly evoke change in myself?
Stay Alive
Hella quiet, it was silent
My brother who was in the car with me probably thought i fell asleep...
Shit life had probably thought that too
And exhaling, I sat back glad
that this sign caught my eye because at that moment in time
I stopped time stopped,
but i stayed alive despite this contemplative infection hitting me
this reflection through poetry
this symbolism that maybe this pisces read too deep...?
but fuck it, this message wasn't gonna pass me
and its not gonna pass you either because
the world is just too infinite and unknown to let you think that it revolves around your own gravitational pull
so humble yourself in your place of miniscule time and matter relative to the universe's history
physics can't physically explain why we're all here naturally anyway.
Just take these parallel coincidental interactions as
signs to provoke action in your life each day
Got something to say? Say it. Got ideas to share? Own it. Got a chance to love? Risk it.
embrace Existence
Life live
stay alive