she (pt2)

hmm [unfinished] but oh well, just decided to shareeee -->

she was a being strongest with no physical strength
it was in her gaze she directed the flow of gravity
i often dismissed the thought of telling her
how much i loved her
because it was such a weak statement
in comparison to all she represented for me
taught me
showed me
made me...
it was too easy to say
so easy to feel it
and so easy to know it
but so hard to prove
to show her...
but there must be some way to show her
because i know
she should know
and yet, although i hesitated to tell her
she must have been strong enough to know
already...

winter rabbit ii.

the fog, which had embraced the blushing cheeks of this green city so intimately, finally lifted. and in it's absence came the misty haze of tires on wet pavement. the dulled mess of a palette above dripped sloppily across the tired rooftops as they hid the city's numbed hands and personalities behind stucco walls and insulation.
i hid it under my breath..
wandering through the slick ally ways of your retinas stirred the familiar smell of newly fallen rain and dead leaves that emanated through the cracks of the uneven pavement. thick golden espresso beat against the side of a paper cup, like a bass drum, and sloshed out of the lid, joining the company of the sky's secretions beside my uneven stride. the scent lingered and fell, shattering my reality into shards of broken thoughts. i looked down and saw the ripples in my reflection distort the clouds behind me. my backdrop. my makeshift existence. i stepped through it, disturbing the mirrored image. the grey tones lifted from the earth only to descend back to the firm, unforgiving surface from which they came. i watched the world around me fray at the seems. i focused on the corroding shorelines of your temper. pounding, pulsating, quaking and quivering. shake, surge, swell and succumb. the shimmering cadence of regret lining our dulled dispositions. a blurred skyline reflected off your telescope eyes. you bit the edge of your brittle wind-stricken fingers before raising them to adjust the frame in which you see the world. not knowing what else to do, i picked at the blue rubber that gripped the metal frame of our park bench. tell me your troubles, and i'll whisper my worries. bitch, complain, vent and let loose. i look down when i can't think of anything clever to tell you; looking up simply to nod my head to the beat of your fingertips as they drum softly against the walls of my feeble attempts of taking care of you.
"since it's green, let the leaves steep for no more than four minutes, otherwise the taste becomes bitter." i don't tell you this because who am i to decide your preferred taste. and i no longer know what tickles your taste buds and chapped lips. and i no longer know how the textures of color bend and fold against the sharp edges of your swagger. and i no longer know the rhythm in your footsteps, and the beat of your weak heart. but then again, not much has changed.
my words hit your pale forehead and slither down your nose. a crooked smile and chuckle cut through my paranoia.
i am having a conversation with your time limit. and i look at you, looking down, picking at the blue rubber that hugs the frame of the bench with remorse.

you will respond with an ever so quirky remark, because you have subscribed to my mind. i'll let technology be my scapegoat. you will depend on me and i will let you down, and i will build it up just so we can watch it fall. we will have many days of second hand hell and speak of what we once held on to so dearly. and at the end of it all, we'll return to the lives we have built in each other's absence. and i'll watch as you walk back to the smell of motor oil and changes in diet. and you will sit at your screen, pick apart my scattered phrases and correct my flaws, for that is what we do.
yes it's about you.
no i don't think you'll misunderstand.
can you hear me over the scratching of tires on wet pavement?
i don't know.

february 2008

reminiscing on my thoughts as 2008 began...

and now it's ending:

...in the midst of all the simultaneous struggles that cause a triumph so worth every tear, this life is the most interesting paradox to live through. this year has been so indicative of the continuation i believed it to be: it wasn't my new start, but rather a transition back into the same reality -- it simply reminded me that time really is moving, regardless of the standstill i feel locked in. so my update: i am the same as i have been, as i'll ever be -- i still believe that everyday is a constant struggle to be a better person -- whatever those struggles, changes, and new perceptions may be.

i guess after all these years and experiences,
in the midst of this whirlwind of struggle and happiness,
in the midst of my imaginary mental standstill,
i am still holding onto the only piece of peace of mind i've ever had
that strength i find in the quiet calm
-- in the midst of constant change.

"The Struggle with Ambiguity"

I too am obsessed with numbers.
Obsessed with the excess of my own ambiguity.
Like releasing the gates, which only I can see.
But then I'm faced with a reality which blindly sets a tone over my ears
I can no longer hear…
And then a tone opaque covers my eyes.
I can no longer see…
Now the ambiguity engulfs me.
I've only dreaded these eyes and ears because of the alleyway I once walked down upon.
Couldn't see which track I was on,
Couldn't listen to the sound track to the song that played in my foreground.
Constantly blocking the way to a mind-state that overdubbed my understanding of what was real and what was fallacy.

"I too" is probably the overstatement.
"I too" is probably the misunderstanding
I for one, am probably subject to the lie which seemed like an investment in hope.
The faith of the future.
The faith of a future.
And as repetitive as it may seem.
You just don't see the irony that has erected from the scene.
Embarrassing it is to fit in a meme which I chose not to associate with
But the reality is that I did it again and placed myself behind the myth.
All because I chose not to let the belief wither and die.
Realizing that what I've visualized before was just a cloud in the sky.
Trust me,
I've came back down from that already and unstuck my head from the nimbus on high.

Got my head out the clouds because it seemed like an unlikely destination to be in.
This compilation of text seems so scatterbrained,
believe me, I hate the feelin'.
Meddling with the rhyme,
through the sun I see the times.
if only I can see ahead to the unveiling of the mind.
I would…
But we all know that its possibility is impossible when left to a coin toss.
Which causes us to understand the lasting fact that the loss is dreaded in the mist.
So that's it. now I just criss-cross it off the main list.
Or at least I try to.
Jus do me favor for now and reevaluate self for before you think this is about you.

a snippet of my secret.

you’ve brought reading to another level,
i feel all flushed with fever.
but, instead of killing me softly,
I feel life in every morning after the unrest of the night.
I won’t listen to warnings of my heart being empty
when I know that within every single step,
my mind is getting stronger with the work out of sending vivid hopes of you from nerve to nerve.
my nerd,
my nerd,
you bring me to better aspirations,
I dream in the day again, far from R.E.M. cycles that don’t understand the loving kiss of the bright sun.
this pain you’ve jotted down has set my soul on fire
everyday since I have met you, I wonder,
have I found the spiritual confidence I have been looking for?
even if I was fooling myself I am completely grateful.
you might as well pass be the dunce hat and call me the city idiot if I didn’t take advantage of the hope and inspiration planted by your hands.
you write of love and of hope and I applaud you.
ashamedly,
I’m not even that honest when I write.
turn of phrase and double meanings,
a story within a planned out, well-executed concentration of words
yet, still so fearful of the messages I truly want to expose.
I’ve been so afraid of writing about you,
yet I dream about you listening,
you watching,
and you reading
knowing exactly which carefully chosen words are sincerely surrounded around my heart’s vision of you.
and,
I dream that one day, you’ll never have to write about hope so often, so in depth.
I know I can love you until you don’t accept loneliness anymore.
and, if that doesn’t work,
i’m going to love you every single lonely night for the rest of our existence,
so long as you love waking up on our side of the lonely world as much as I do.
your words.
you’ve somehow made me a better person.
I’m pushing forward, I’m pushing on.
sometimes, I am truly over it.
but, secretly, I read your writings,
because secretly,
I still dream of you.

An Unfinished Painting

(welcome back late night freewrite hype)


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I have come to know the image that has been painted by the soul.
It speaks of a cliché,
but I stand before you now to justify its difference.
So I gaze out through one’s presence only to find a portrait of my mind.
and as I pick it up, all the subject matter it holds runs off like un-dry paint.
Loose with no solid substance,
A fresh vision put in place with a brush oversaturated.
Overused over time to the point where it no longer bear its own original look.
How ironic, that my splitting image of the tool can be used to manipulate my self conscious
and hold the potential to build this misinterpreted perception of reality.

I understand I hold the key to unlock my minds eye,
but the only problem is it’s not so easy to see why I can’t find it.
It’s like watching a locksmith run through a ring of keys,
hoping that he would hurry up and just find the right one already.
As if life depended on it.
As if time relied on it.

But through the re-evaluation.
I’ve viewed the social norms society creates as hindrances
Restrictions to confine the spirit in which the soul wishes to regain control of.
The difference lies within these lines.
But the cliché and ironic reality is that they always remain trapped and embedded in these words.
These words that are merely a shameless, and hopeful effort to convey truth.
Because sometimes truth hurts,
and because sometimes truth should not be admitted.

So I leave the painting out to dry.
But the paint keeps running off.
Even if I laid it flat on the ground, its contents spill onto the floor.
And while many would equate this as endless tears of sadness,
I realize it now and see it like overflowing tears of joy.
A “happiness” and form of content to know that my soul is forever changing.
Never still.
Never dull
Like dancing in a cleansing rain
Paint constantly being applied to the canvas.

A painting never finished…

Written In Stone

"I'm Going with the flow" they say

Because...
Where the wind blows
Is where the decision goes
Where that wind blows
Is where your character's exposed

This is the thought processes of all the lost boats
But you cant sail the seas without feeling the breeze
You cant feel the breeze unless you're not pleased
We choose the wrong things cause it seem to show ease
We're searching for a means to an elucidating dream
Clear as the sky in July
We're trying to stay high
Without the abusiveness
Without loosing-it
A positive reaction for your profound mind
But this sometimes kill what we have inside
Priorities are clashed due to our individual sight
Blurred in a distance
We're searching for a prince or princess
Someone to talk too and listen
Who can understand your mission
So you can grow old with them
But at times we'll find peasants,
Whom we learn some important lessons
About the struggles and beauties in life,
Understanding this will bring some strives
And we can't deny
Divided by truth and falsity
"Be your own leader, try not to follow me"
Is some advice that I won't lie
Cause we're followers in this false time
While we paint love with the dollar signs of a paid stub
This goes out to the young hearts, who don't embrace love
To the women that relies too much on make-up
And to the little men who's acting hard, imitating fake thugs
Cause we're all dreamers that will never wake-up
I make love...
To the art, the life, the music, the rhyme
I have the heart to write, I use it every time
Life's the pain, the struggle, the sadness
But if you don't believe in life, then you don't believe in magic
No smoke and mirrors, just motivation and love to see things clearer
The audience is odd-in-sense
They're facade trends
Cant believe in them
They're the illusion with imaginary friends
Paying the admission price but never attend
Because the magician writes the poems to transcend
Like..
Happy endings only exist when lives are paused in a time of bliss
Release the button and press play
So we truly know what's beyond today's cliche
Because love is behind the screen names, showing affection on a keyboard
Diving into the satisfactions of the unknown weirdoes, claming they need more

MORE.


That's what everyone needs.

More of this, more of that.


We need MORE respect for our women!
We need MORE peace when it comes to our vision!
We need MORE education for our children!
We need MORE tools for our fundamental buildings!
We need MORE soul searching and less killings!

Soldiers giving MORE than an arm and a leg
They're getting arms to the brain
To the soul, to their lives
For an insufficient Presidential campaign
That don't give a damn because the government's telling lies
While the administration admit-to-be-astray in our nation
Distracting us from mass weaponry, which is no longer helping me
Questioning where should my soul-hold?
Who's opinion matters, is it about freedom, revenge, or the oil?
Seems we rather log into internet sites
Then reading the pages of our hero's lives
Where AIM is to aim the young mind's frame of absolute boredom
Your space is noticeable by your face, you said you did it for your friends
You did it for-them.

Now you're accepting these strange strangers
Approval is passed from their appearance
Don't think of the danger
Because your curiosity is your clearance
Instead of ignoring-them
You rather dedicate your mind and time on insults and comments
But what you really need is intelligence, when I'm telling-them
Reality is now artificial, people holding more then invisible pistols
They're holding delusional joints, shot glass full of sickness
Confusion that's a fist-full
Admiring those import-models, we need important role-models
Everyone's drunk off of ignorance
Seems we're all grown babies sucking out of that liquor bottle
Too emotional;
She cries
He fights
She's mad
He's glad
But both won't resist on telling the truth due to drinks they had
Love's that song where women are degraded
Because what's being played on the hit radio stations
Weak minds are persuaded
Love's the middle age man flirting with the teens
While a teenage girl acting like she's her mid-twenties
What happen to your revolution and independence, is there any?
Because when it comes to immaturity and lack of sense, there's plenty
Love's a bucket full of false hope and insecurity
Because their's a fine line between perfection and obscurity
Love is now in clubs, webpage's, and in exotic dancers.

Hypnotic, Hennessy, Tequila, is the new found answer
For problems and enjoyments which leads to escapism
We're assorted ornaments that needs to face the rhythm
Face our decision, our fate, then we'll appreciate living
Are we learning from mistakes when we take those chances?
Because who's words are actually affecting the masses?
The police?
The preacher?
The student?, the teacher?
Your parents or the world leaders?
It's the artist who holds the paint brush
To paint canvases of weightless imagery of peace
It's heavy to see because we can't handle the pressure
While the message is release
It's the musician aspired to play noise
Transforming the noise into something we're here for
Lovely sounds of unforgettable instruments
Layered with powerful lyrics to make some sense
It's in a novel, in a museum or in your iPod
It brings hope, comfort, love, or means to a God
It's you, me, and the ones we love
We affect the people, cause we know what's up
Now I'm off to be alone to write this on stone
I wish you the best, it's time to be me...time to be unknown

Dreamscapes...

"The dreamer is the designer of tomorrow. Practical men... can laugh at him; they do not know that he is the true dynamic force that pushes the world forward. Suppress him, and the world will deteriorate towards barbarism. Despised, impoverished, he leads the way... sowing, sowing, sowing, the seeds that will be harvested, not by him, but by the practical men of tomorrow, who will at the same time laugh at another indefatigable dreamer busy seeding, seeding, seeding."

-Ricardo Flores Magon (June 28, 1921)

never know.

i never want to know what it's like
to have never met you
...wondering will suffice.
only to remind me
how necessary your presence was
to me
in my life
and you
i never want to know what it's like
to forget you
trying my hardest
to remember every little detail
will be enough
to remind me
how wonderful every moment i can remember
is and always will be

and i wonder if at the end of your life
you thought to yourself
that you were glad to have met me
that you were so glad to have known me
that if ever you remembered a day of me
it was one in which i made you happier
and not burdened...
not frustrated...
but at ease and at peace...
because that's all i ask for you
in your final moments of rest
in your final moments away from us
i only wish you peace
and i can always wonder
what my life would have been like
if i had never met you
i wonder what i would be like
had i never known who you were
had i never spoke to you at all
i wonder often if you remembered me at all
in your final breaths
if you inhaled anything i said
and if you exhaled a sigh of remembrance of me
and i know your passing has nothing to do with me
the world lost you
and even then, i cannot grieve enough to show you
how we are burdened by your absence
knowing that the world will never be the same
it will still turn
but i'll only be able to view it
through tearful eyes
watery
blurred vision
like my memories of you
and with time...
i'll wonder again
if you remembered me at all
if my presence in your life was anything more to you
than a simple thought in passing

but i thank the world
as it turns in my blurred vision
that with my tearful eyes
and my weakened hands that wipe those tears away
that i will only have to wonder
but i'll never have to know for sure
how my life would have been without you...

misunderstanding

the cosmic depths of sedation
ransacked time suspended imagination
beneath old warriors and weary bones
lay rolling scrolls of sorrows
static motion caged in lost visions
apologetically chasing ancient allegories
roaming over the multiple expanses
spying wounded cities in peril
navigating tropes and plot twists
the dust refuses to settle
bridges nearly drowning in flames
and all directions point to narrow straights

i've missed the subtle inquiry
the midday rendezvous
the midnight lullabies
reminiscing adventures to a sweet chorus
while lying on lilies
untainted whispers caught in dew drops
and the message was the moment

but that was easy
soul-numbing, comfort-wielding easy

breath in with forgiven lungs
and listen with a chiseled heart
for fragmented palatal glimpses
of higher elevations
sensory derivation
rhythm in flux
could be drowned in elation

its been far too long Father
eternities it seems
since we've requested a prodigious journey
to roll back the sheath
and swiftly strike for boundless joy
and battle with aching hands held
in ragamuffin victory

liberate our captive passions
and captivate us in your liberation
stir a mighty confluence
of introspection and fraternity
of wisdom and recklessness
of action and humility

i too often wonder
when inhibitions will be overcome
when calculations will be confounded
when comforts will be violently dismantled
and our loss will be gain
let our wonder be a faint memory

to the "radical" becoming ordinary
and the abundance of "enough "

Love guided transformation
inside and out
home and abroad
roots and branches
in, through, and despite me

brought to you by "hella late...hella early early in the morning.



- - - - - - - - -

"But There's Something"

So it's time now.
The look on the face of youth stood neutral.
but he could still read through it.
because he's seen part of what lies within.
so go now,
Start your new year now!
listen and sit back to the humming of yesterday.
playback the melody into bits for my ears to feed on.

turning around, he could smell the greener grass,
but another side doesn't really exist,
because we stood atop a plain that stretches into the blue.
though each hill may attack us… we step on,
despite the rolling hills or mountains.
the self struggle will always be there.
as ordinary people, we hold this sky up with our hands.
but the self struggle inside,
is dealing with trying our best just to carry ourselves.

Through the isolation you either become independent,
or you learn how much you should of appreciated a friendship.
so go on now,
the "second" you ride on,
it's on its way now.
he's experienced enough moments of being passed by;
picked himself up and dropped himself on the pharcyde of town.
she left with "time" as it reached out with both long and short hands.
pulled her in and ticked on continuously.

All that was left was her standing in the back.
one tapped his head for her request.
so she climbed out his head and left the sub conscience.
she stood there 2 dimensional,
because he only got to see her one way.
only because she hardly opened herself true.
Their images never grew bigger in size.
while the only heart he was able to see,
was the one that laid near the ace on the bed.

and while she bled.
The timeline vanished into the end of it all.
his imagination still remained intact,
but the bruised love took the world into consideration.
And it grasped a realization that the story of my life,
Is just another repetitive string attached to it all
so while he got his.
it was time for me to go again and find another lead on trying to get mine.
so I took this piece…
stapled it into my mindset and let it ride a cloud.
The white nimbus pillow let off a stardust trail that played notes of your favorite song while i sang aloud...
Then I rode the melody as the emotion jumped out of my chest.
It soloed on the fret-board of a guitar that was playing what sounded like a way to say goodbye.

I waved away as I glanced at the sun.
I looked straight up and pinched the sun with my fingers.
placed it over my mouth, and as I dropped it in I began to swallow it
I looked down to see my soul light up, so I bid an adieu to time.
the keys dipped as each hammer hit and each hit, hit harder than last.
I listened to the whispers of the future,
and all that was left was the remnants of those who tried to ease up.

so as he turned it towards his chest,
he stuck it down his life and squeezed the trigger.
the design in turn created the image for her to see.
but instead it was pushed under the bed.

Click, Click, pull, BANG!

The shot rang out and back to "conscience" I came.
Laid back and smelled the flowers while the beat rode out my words.
while i regained consciousness...

in passing.

the present is so different than the past
like a second i missed
a blink the lasted too long
i miss it because it's not the same

time
travels
past
me

and i passed through the past
like a glance through glass
i never noticed the clarity
transparency

i wish i knew what i wanted to write
because then it would write itself
i, merely an instrument of its coming
would only do what i always do

i'll let it pass through me

but today is so different than all those previous
i wish i had more than just words
more than just unheard dimensions
because if i could speak it
it would

and all by itself
me, as unnecessary as the seconds i forget,
i would be all the more inspired
to hopefully catch it in my being
they were more than just words
when they caught me standing there
waiting

but time just passes right through me.

Missing the Old You

This if for the ladies 0__0 haha

This is actually a song I wrote around the beginning of this year. I had just finished this instrumental and I was listening to it. I kinda got this vibe off of the melody of the song about missing a girl but more in the way of missing the old her because maybe shes changed into a different person that you just can't recognize whatever the reasons may be. And thats where I got the title of "Missing the Old You" from. This song has many messages, so I'll leave you to use your imagination to find them...

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Whatever shall I do,
I don't know you anymore,
Missing the old you,
What happened to that girl before?

There have been many long days and sleepless nights,
where she was always in my dreams always in my sights,
but now as I'm bout to let my emotions go,
she changed right before my eyes in a puff of smoke,
I dunno what prompted this sudden change,
cuz she was perfect as she was... no need to rearrange,
the clothes that she wears or the way she does her hair,
or the slang she be saying though i know she be playing,
If only she knew what she does to me,
how each action she does affects me sub consciously,
and even if we've grown up in the same time and place,
I never can get used to her face,
She beautiful in her own right and she has the rights,
to my heart for too long we've been apart,
I miss her the second i don't see her,
But it seems to be shes better off without me,
So this is how the story goes...so far,
This isn't the end, til the end I will defend,
Because she is someone that I hold dear,
Now ill say it all with nothing to fear...loud and clear

Whatever shall I do,
Wheres that girl that I adore,
I see the old you,
Can I talk to that girl before?

Its been a million years since I've seen your tears,
so look up and smile because it's worthwhile,
to me...there are too many things unseen,
to have you crying because your a queen,
Now I know your feeling a little overwhelmed,
but please listen to me I have something to tell,
its about you and me and our intertwined,
destiny...I know it sounds epic so don't forget it
Now I know this characature is not your character,
I know whats causing your life's discontent,
you feel the need to change for you life's betterment,
but you were never in any shape or form the type to conform,
Is the reason for your change...is it me?
am I not cool enough not up to snuff,
with what all these kids are doing these days,
making their life a purple haze,
Where your living your life at the speed of light,
only to walk home by yourself at night,
cold to everyone who "were" you friends before,
now you ignore and give them the cold shoulder,
Now your calling me, we used to be "best" friends,
but haven't talked to you since you started to blend,
in...what happened to my friend before,
who thought kicking it was all she needed evermore,
I'm telling you now that you can still change,
and in this chapter in you life I filled this page,
I hope this reaches you like a love letter will do,
I mean... like a life changing scene on the big screen.

Whatever shall I do,
Your all I've wanted and more,
I see the new you,
Your better than you were before.

Hey girl how you been how you doing,
the hugs you give are great each one renewing,
is it just me or do you feel something brewing,
that look in your eyes got me staring wondering,
Do you ever see me more that just a friend?
or am I just "that" friend that you can always depend,
on... its seems I've been singing the same song,
cuz its been you all along,
I've always been on the outside looking in,
waiting for my within to reach you...my soul twin,
but the echoes of my soul just weren't enough,
and my mind has fallen for its own bluff,
As I look into the mirror of memories,
and look as far as these 4 eyes can see,
my eyes behold and ocean full of emotion,
but I'm too afraid to jump ship to take a dip,
I feel as everything I've done I've done in vain,
and that nothing in this world can heal this pain,
Only time will tell if I heal well,
I feel locked in a cell unable to yell,
And scream out "just let everything be",
And maybe the best way to do that is be me,
I just hope you take the me inside,
And give me the hugs that make me feel alive.

i woke up this morning to this IM...

---- (4:13:26 AM): :(
---- (4:13:33 AM): can u post a poem for me on blarneys
---- (4:13:40 AM): i dont wanna post it bc it will show my username
---- (4:14:03 AM): here it is...its my 1st poem i've written in like a year.

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i can't explain our story
subjective pronouns doubled up in sentences
she
stands for two different people
she
falls and catches her

because you needed me
like identification
set geographically on the west
with the sun settled down, the moon falling onto my lap
you were there, with focused eyes
all sorts of emptiness and space
i held you close as we defined our existence
on this parallel plane making up our own coordinates

you kept the sweat off my lips
kept me from running
whispered into my mouth electricity
like a dozen fireflies into a cave
fluttering and flustered, feeling funny
in this space only we knew
darkness and light we share, mouth to mouth
no one will ever understand
the subtle touch that swells systemically
like an adverse effect you'd weigh the benefits over
tiptoeing around the condition like an addiction
hiding into eachother
and fitting perfectly

one night i started freestyling to street signs and corner stores
remember you riding shotgun,
i took your hand and held it
down sunset, A thru Z
it's hard to stay under the speed limit
at 3am when lights are green and exciting
and no one is stopping us
engines hydroplaning in april, wheels spinning
they are impulsive and springing forward
like trampolines and confused bullets into brains

we'd never see summer
on the same side of the earth
she left me standing on the coldest part
with the wind changing directions every second
the compass is on crack
and i feel broken
still pinned down by her stilettos
fucked on the backburner
anger is a temporary solution to my madness

you wear denial so well sometimes
believing your dreams of colorful birds diffusing through bodies
were meaningless distortions of objects
sometimes we'll graze shoulders, hug like friends and stare like lovers
but trying to kiss you is like kissing water
you ripple away
restlessly, ricocheting apologies and excuses off bare surfaces
like a combative scream
as if you never took anything from me at all

but i've taken this
pinned you down on paper
fucked you into the back of my mind
and will wear denial until it becomes reality

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

---- signed off at 4:19:21 AM.

between two

i read their story and it was beautiful
but i couldn't understand it --
but maybe out of context it barely meant a thing
but within context -- it was simply profound.
she knew his heartbeat so well
synchronized with hers
but to everyone else
it was just the sound of a bump they hit in the road
an interruption
a dream to wake up from
a bubble bound to burst
and maybe apart from the beat of their own hearts
it made no sense at all
but when it was heard by the two
stuck between two chests in attempts to combine
beating faster and faster in closer proximity
it was their moment to claim as their own
the pulse to jumpstart their awakening
and maybe no one else was supposed to understand
because it was only within context of the two.

low self-esteem

what i've been going through lately, and just recently overcame it all. enjoy?

_____________________________________________

i never knew that numbers on a scale could bother someone so much
i never knew it had that manipulation
that grasp, that control,
to change the way someone feels about themself.
that these numbers could take hold of that someone's self esteem
and decrease it by the lowest percentage possible.
these numbers were not just any numbers
they were numbers that scared me
these were numbers that spoke to me
taunted me with common media expectations
teased me with popular magazine covers
haunted my life with images of beautiful women that i wish i could mimic,
ditto their appearances
and make them my own.

every now and then, i'd cry myself to bed
hoping that one day, i'll have a body like that
my skin will someday be as flawless as theirs
my face will be perfectly shaped so i could have any hairstyle i wanted
i wanted the perfect body
i'd cry myself to sleep,
knowing that i was the complete opposite.
knowing i had not the ideal hourglass shape
i had not the most flawless skin ever
my face was round,
and so was i.

everytime i jumped onto the scale,
numbers got higher,
expectations were demanding.
i'm heavier and things keep getting worse
but that's how life is, right?
everything keeps getting worse.
keeping that in mind, i've resorted to the worse thing yet:
indirectly inflicting pain
to the ones that care and the ones that matter
it was internal self mutilation,
starvation was the answer to my problems.
it was myself in desperate need
of where to stand in society

i didnt want to stand round,
i want to stand tall and thin and beautiful
just like every other girl out there.
i wanted an ideal body
just like what everyone else wanted.
i wanted to not only fit in
but to be likable
to be eye-catching
just like everyone else.

as days went by
i grew thinner and thinner
i felt more beautiful as days passed
i now know how it feels to be thin
and beautiful
and tall, yet petite
yet inside this so-called beautiful external appearance of mine
dwelled internal pain,
where my organs were eating me alive
but this eating habit of mine
was doing this body wonders
this habit of mine was makin me feel beautiful,
and light, and skinny,
and more attractive. that's what i wanted.
i already started and i can't stop.

yet this constant pain in my stomach
grows harsh as days go by
suffering from malnutrition daily
but i loved the way i looked now.

i was constantly comparing myself to others
now it was okay to do so,
where i felt my level of envy has lowered
i reached their stage
i'm feeling quite accomplished.

although i feel like i got what i wanted,
i wanted more out of it.
i still was not satisfied
for everytime my belly stuck out
i'd starve myself again for a few more days
until it was gone. it was gone, gone, gone.

and so was i.
i was almost gone. my old self,
my own self, manipulated by numbers on a scale.
i'm killing myself.
simply over envious feelings and jealousy
it's killing me.

my friend once told me,
that when friends think of you,
they don't think of your weight,
they think of you, and who you are.

how dare these numbers
have control over my feelings.
my emotions and my well-being
how could i be so weak
to be haunted and taunted
and teased by the majority of how our society is today
how dare society take control over what and who i am
how dare i allow myself
to revolve around what the majority wants
to impress what the world wants out of me
when the world doesn't care about who i am
and what i do for the world.

from now on, i'll live up to what will be right for me,
i don't live for the world anyway. i never did.
it's controlling,
it controlled me.
but i won't let it control me anymore.

Realizing.

it's been so long since we said hello
but this simple salutation is allowing me to grow
moving on from past differences and woe,
i'm drawn to you like the west cliff lighthouse glow
a night time spark that blossoms dreams in the dark
wish i could save the patterns that destined this moment
for there were too many times whenever i tried
to realize forced beauty and overworked designing
knowing it takes more than pressure to change rock to diamond
and sensing myself rhyme just for the sake of rhyming
without any true goal, steady aim or aspiration
like unseen fireworks in my mind from july 4th celebrating,
will they remain simply as figments?
my imagination i will never let die
and with your very presence you let my wonder thrive
helping me to see the light and find my way
helping me to analyze what i choose to say
helping me to figure out problems, your assistance
helped me to align the stars of my own fate,
and as the sidewalk ends,
it looks like the fork in the road leads
to polar opposite bends,
and before i make the same mistake again,
i'll take you with me this time so we can recreate
new definitions of beautiful together,
my little fountain pen.

the sun'll love your skin.

i've got these
Dark shades -

be melting in your mouth,
you want to give a little pout,
hopin' the sun will love your skin.
wide hips, you know your baby love this,
got those curves God just kissed;
touching beauty with these hands.
just listen:

baby girl, you're at the point of no return.
there's rings all up your neck,
his fingers to match them.
oxygen slowly redeveloping tumors of pain.
your temple of skin, bruised and scratched
it seems you've forgotten
you're more than sexfaction,
his actions equal your reactions.
-yet, it's lackin'
the part where you should love yourself more.
fuck the mirror, your colorful cosmetics, those jeans that make you lean.
walk with it,
reach for the door.
please,
ignore the fence and the other side.
don't let hate push you on your knees
just take a look around
the grass is always greener if you're willing to live and die with your feet on the ground.
smell the air,
the world may be polluted,
least it's a whole lot more fresh
than those broken beats you put on repeat inside your chest.

ooooooh...don't it sound so good girl,
just to make him laugh?
see, you could still make him smile without givin' him
some of that
integrity, strength,
and self-respect.
something a lot of us understand,
and just don't ever get.
it gets a whole lot harder for people to feel whole
takes a whole lot more than two arms to embrace our souls.
i wonder,
how hard must we work on the individual?
some folks help others and seem like they've got it all.
but, we work hard to get by.
so, now you know money,
then you must know fun,
sistah, i know you was pocketless
toddler in your diapers happily playing with everyone.
but, back in the day was something else,
love was something else,
something beautiful, and and...and stupid.
couldn't duplicate such a wonderful mess...
...until you fall in love again and again and out and over just as much as the last,
may be even more than before
if you're not too tired, not too scared,
open these eyes and take it back.
to that growing feeling
when happiness left ignorance to become perserverence.
tell me,
are you even living?
your breast are moving up and down with that oxygen,
but when you want to scream the most, the air won't hear a sound.
love, let it all out.
you may never feel complete...so...
fuck perfection,

'cause
i've got these
Dark shades -
be melting in your mouth,
you want to give a little pout,
hopin' the sun will love your skin, too.
wide hips, you know your baby love this,
got those curves God just kissed;
touching beauty with these hands. (x2)

love, just let it all out.

relief

i write to avoid
i write to distract
i write to get away
the days pains strain on my brain and otherwise keep me from being able to maintain my
stream of consciousness. my ability to think.
the migraine worstens the longer i'm away
i put pen to paper and it just fades
i write on a time release like a capsule
just pop one and watch it go.
it doesn't stop, it feels like it flows through my veins
good lord there goes the pain
i'm leaving the night and entering a new day
to put pen to paper makes the pain go away.

pen and paper are my ibuprofen, tylenol, and bayer.

first post.

i was just really excited to finally write something i really felt after so long. unedited, unsure, and definitely unorganized...for surely gonna work on this some more. in fact, i don't even know if i want all of these parts to form just one piece...i might take it apart...but, eh!



it's no longer in my stride to be a queen,
never saw the reflection of a princess
but, i look at my sistahs and we all deserve more than this;
hierarchy or peasants,
we all high maintenance.
yet, pure diamonds and dolla bills can't even touch this.
we, the human race, emotional be our basis,
sexy forms our taste,
know that love is still love if you throw it away.
we the human race...
lonely be thy name.
then...hollow shortly follows.

so, darling, from the start, place me in your heart
as your equal,
though my eyes aren't exactly at your level,
i promise as two people,
if you're down,
we'll breath just as hard, just as strong as one another;
screams and sweats,
your place, my place, in the movement of the night,
and the warmth of the sun,
--i will match you.
we will be at a constant battle
on loving more than the other;
never content, always smiling eventually.
embrace it open.
please,
take it sensually,
save it in memories,
we'll keep loving as an equinox within all four seasons.
i could joke about being the shit
but, it's a fact that i'm just an exceptional woman.
so...get.at.this.
memorize these lips against the span of your own,
your constant smiles as my home.
our worries as significant as our doubt,
humidity ain't a thing sweetheart,
perspiration can't be enough to frighten you away.
chase entirety,
happy sigh in adoration of our collision.
and,
redirect traffic to look at me.
i'm willing to crash.

water

[jon, you invited me here a long time ago and its time i finally did something abt it.]

a freewrite on water.

why does it seem that these creative flashes
stem from a rusted, leaky faucet
drip drop
another line falls down the drain
drip drop
another line lost in a day
a cloudy sky filled with monotony

when the condensation of the concentration of the juice from the mind is finally too much to bear...
the lines just fall from the sky,
from the clouds on up above,
the concentration of creativity and love
rain on a sunny day.

when it rains, it pours.

hurricane jane

freewrite to "hurricane jane" - the black kids

jane, i coulda sworn
yr windows were leaking
...almost...
battle scarred, war torn
feel like, unsure
pick my pocket and
tell me you want more

but please,
do it in tongues
(cause i don't wanna know)
do it in tons
(cause i can't get enough)
do it because

a sip of gin makes the tongue sliver when
the false clutches the truth close, quivering
splash some tonic, i'm on it
let's get drunk and be somebody

jane, i seent it
believe it
i feel it
i felt it and it felled me
so keep it
like a kelepto
collect it
edit and
correct it

it's friday night
what's the use
of attention or validation
when we're parched
and in need of restoration

let's get drunk and be somebody

"and i'm telling myself
it's gonna be worth it"

Walk Away

wrote long time ago

i walk away resisting the crack of my neck,
never looking back to the path
where i hung my heart on the tree we grew together,
i keep my head up, reminding myself
how high the life i lived with you was so close to the sun,
always bright and warming to the soul
but never losing its potential,
and my head still hurts from clashing
our metaphoric mental memories agaisnt eachother
not knowing the impact would paint a story so valuable to creativity,
so i leave subliminal messages in the canvases
i leave for you to admire, reminding me to smile again
about how our life began,
but i sit here "half crazy"s" resonating through my 'ear drum',
but 'hot thing' i would tread 'across the universe'
for this moment to last a lifetime in paint tubes
to be found years later for other lovers
to create what real passion is.
and to believe something like this ever existed
is as vivid as the nights moon reflection on your vibrant caramel complection.
dark skin tone tattoed as your right to reign queen
and conquer all with your peace.
but im sorry my queen, dont look down for me
i will be far long beyond your sight
hoping your eyes be blessed with love more meant for your intent.
let my footsteps imprint thoughts
to be only left as remnants of what we had,
because i have to walk away knowing
i cut you deeply leaving it all behind
in the gold coloring book left in the crates of records
that inspired our hearts to weave together.
so im sorry and goodbye and for now i walk away not looking back at what could of been...

Here and Now (contd)

Not exactly a continuation but i felt it was around the same grounds.
________________________________________________


I may not be the best conversationist,
I was born this way, to only say words that are uncommon to say,
to spit lyrics that show you an image,
of your innermost reaches, what we beseech is,
to feel things never felt before,
to have frustration in your mind because you want more,
yet you dont know you dont know what its like to grow,
by leaps and bounds because on this earth you were bound,
in shackles to keep you from flying away,
your a caged bird trapped in your own mind with nothing to say,
"Silence is the most powerful scream",
if you believe that your life must seem serene,
on the outside, yet on the in you suffer,
to many things unsaid has created a buffer,
in your mind your body and your soul,
you've lost the glow, and now have nothing to show,
we were made to cultivate the mind, to plant the body, and to grow the soul,
to grow stronger each new day as it unfolds,
to confiscate how we feel to date,
because these feelings are ours we carry our scars,
as we become bruised and battered our emotional cloth tattered,
in desperation we make an obligation,
to be, by the side of friends goin through hard times,
because its best not to be alone on this journey to the unknown.

summer.

[freewrite]

i didn't know the year would reach our encounter
this way
but he reminds me of summer...

even though he was entirely unexpected
unpredictable at best
and unlike anything else i've experience before
or asked for myself
or believed i've ever deserved
he was as simple as sunlight
unmistakable and nothing else could replace
as clear and distinct like the new day

and what would become of our emotions
was like the break of dawn
the newness brought me back
to the past i've always wanted for myself
nostalgic of fairytales that i never could say happened
but after all
he was my ever after
and happily i greeted each new dawn
with arms wide open
ready for any change of season
just as long as it was he
that broke the dawn into my future

it's hard for me to explain exactly what i mean
what i'm feeling about him
after all those years of waiting
i'm happy, after all --
he's my happily ever after

and so after all the rain
the storms and the cold nights
so it makes so much sense now...
i see why after all this time
...only he reminds me of summer

a new currency

my currency

is not green

its currently a current

my right to redefine in its urgency

the manifestation of materialism i abhor in me

the difference will be in how i define my productivity

seek and grow the area of my heart

with the most surface visibility

without servicing the american benefactor in me

its a displaced familiarity

a binary bifurcation of holistic identity

there’s power elusive to the homegrown refugee

deflowering the innocent hour poisoned for its profitability

sure as hell, i don't want that to be my legacy

the slave master, the slave

the ignorant pastor, the depraved

the cynical bastard

away from all of the above i try to run faster

I’m tired of being unprepared just waiting for my next self initiated disaster

but detractors are behind and beside me

counter with brighter loveshine that exists inside of and despite me

prayerfully its confidante of serendipity

the idealistic daydreams bubbling inside my complacency

see its always been a part of me

when freedom's child learns how to speak

no

when she opens her mouth in unison with the symphony to teach

then make music more captivating than the powerfuls’ unloving mystique

cuz im in the minority

i believe that the lion will maintain his supernatural authority

yet one day fulfill his priority of holding hands with the poor and the weak

the marginalized and the meek

and the struggle like a vicious cycle will always its find a way to reside in me

i want it to be

cuz i want every exhale from this weary chest

to be a humble plea

for interdependence and collectivity

for the furtherance of a kingdom that’s infinitely larger than me

the right to righteousness is rightfully outside of me

and i long to realize the vision of an unconditionally inclusive we

you see my currency

is not green

my medium of exchange remains

unseen but most importantly

free

like me

...

my confusion sounded like excuses
a girl trying to fight her way out
but my only defense
is hardly as intense
they think i'm just some girl
sly -- like the devil himself
cutting the backdoor for herself
with the knife she used to
stab them all in the back

but really
i just cannot pretend
i know the answers anymore.

i've been waiting for a good cry
to bring clarity to it all.
but i'm just so empty of tears
i have nothing more to offer
than a smile
to deceive them all
and i know
my confusion just sounds like...

snip snip snippet

i have heard the constant push of change
first the subtle kisses of the wind
then affectionate rumbles of tomorrow's storms
i can hear
the cries of agony from dethroned kings and kingdoms usurped by foolish love
the roaring of peace as powers topple over into humble new beginnings
the dancing of systems transformed by the rhythm of the powerless and their simple values

i can hear it
profound and clear
gathering and fast approaching
organically organizing
as i rest my head
next to an angel

i close my eyes
forget time and space and theory and worry
and quietly i listen
to a steadfast current
as steady as the inevitably of change
and as strong as the hands that craft that change

would you believe me if i told you
that i hear the revolution brewing inside of you
bubbling into music all too familiar
it whispers me home
calling me to my Maker
etching my name in star shine

i feel it
in your bones
the restlessness
the incessant beating in your chest
the yearning in your loins
the fever on your skin
i know it
because everyday
i hear it and i feel it
because it resides inside of me too

you and i
we are infinitely linked
into this web we call hope
woven by the Author of another way
an alternative to the approach we have inherited
and
it is
possible
to make possibility
a viable reality
a succulent suggestion of heaven
a stolen scene from a kingdom beyond us

because someone once said
imaginary doesn't mean its non existent
imaginary doesn't mean its non existent
imaginary doesn't mean its non existent
i believe it
i believe in imagination
because unknowingly
you teach me so much about it
everyday

i see us joining hands held
marching to the margins
bringing truth to relevance
waking to work
loving to fruition
in very small
but always
celebrated steps
imperfectly glorifying the Father
as the mustard seed movement quietly thrives

let us run unrelenting in step with the children of the sun
as our brows stain with the heat of this beautiful struggle
and i tell you its time for us to shine
knowing you are a child of the sunset
and i'm hoping that whenever you fall sunset
the Lord will rise me in your stead
to maintain playing on even fields
of greener grass
and lands that remain in the hands of those who tirelessly choose to cultivate it daily...

"my promise"

so i was inspired by eileen's piece to write a spiritual one too. i'll tell you later why, eileen. HAHA. just remind me.

_____________________________

when i think about it,
my life is as worthless as it gets
it's nothing compared to anything
that i've ever borrowed from you.

throughout my whole life, i've been nothing but a failure
nobody but just someone who dwells on borrowing things
but never returning them,
and if i return them
i don't give them back in the condition i first received it as.

i give you nothing but lies
nothing but failure
nothing but disappointment
nothing but grief
nothing but broken promises
and full of worry
it is because of me
that you are disappointed
it is because of people like me
you continue to feel doubt in your heart
it is because of people like me,
you sympathize
and empathize to me
in every prayer
you tell me,
"it's okay, don't worry,
"there's still hope,
"there's still a chance,
that you'll be saved."

you comfort in every prayer,
that no matter what,
you'll love me, just as long as i do my best
just as long as my intentions are pure and true
that i mean every single word i pray unto you
just as long as i believe in you
but not just faith alone
but faith with works.

dear God, my aspiration: perfect faith.

i try to prove to you that
i am worthy
but there is nothing i could ever do to prove that i am truly worthy of such blessings
there is nothin on earth
that could ever compare
there is NO comparison whatsoever with your blessings
your blessings are so bountiful
your blessings are so generously given

so what can i do to repay you?
this life.
this life that i BORROWED from you.
even such a sacrifice as giving up my life for you
dying in the name of yours and jesus christ

but not even such an action could compare to what you've done for me,
no God, i'm not taking my own life away
but simply proving to you that nothing can compare to what you've done for me
nothing could ever suffice for the broken promises i promised i wouldn't break

so i question,
am i even allowed to complain
about all the sufferings i've encountered
do i have the right
to even call upon you, dear father
should i even call you my father
am i truly counted as your child
although dear father i truly do feel your love and your mercy
but as undeserving as i am,
it's hard for me to truly believe that
such a loving father
such a loving God
so merciful and loving
could love such an unworthy, piece of life such as i

it is my promise to you
that come what may
i will be strong
i will truly believe that
you will always be with me
you are with me when i suffer persecutions
hardships
tests and trials
it is my faith
that you will be by my side
holding my hand
leading the way
to every single destination i must cross paths with

it's such a blessing
that i have the opportunity to call upon you, dear God
though i know these tears will continue to fall
until our lord jesus christ comes
the end is near.
my race is almost done.
just be there for me
for a couple more days
and i'll be ready.
i'll be ready,
and strong.

this, i promise.

untitled

so yeah, this poem is the completed poem of the snippet from the song "see you through" it's a poem about getting to heaven and meeting god, so don't be surprised w/ the spiritual tone =P

-----------------

from my heart
through prayer
and with your promise of forever
my eyes rain of hope
that my faith could someday push me to overcome my weaknesses
through the strength you provide.
a chance of mercy and forgiveness is all i need
to fuel my motivation and reach the end of infinity with you
no matter my struggle

i know, father, that it won’t be much longer.
some how
some way
i’ll reach the end of infinity with you

but i don’t ask to conquer the world
i don’t pray to be the best or the greatest at anything
i only ask to survive my present day
that each day may be faced with courage
that each day may be enough to prove my love

i don’t pray for my faith to move the highest mountains
for my faith to surpass anyone else’s
but only enough to ensure the hope
that one day i’ll have hope
a chance that you will lift me to meet you in the sky.

yet i am only human
and my mistakes sometimes speak louder
than my own humble prayers for mercy
my spirit is worn from the struggles of this world
so easily discouraged by the aches and pains i’ve experienced

from my heart
through prayer
and with my capabilities that only echo your endless blessings
i still feel your love
so my heart, though it is so broken,
it beats at the chance to reach you in the sky
i have realized this destiny
is my only necessity
to get through the complexity
of this life full of so much insanity
every tear has always been worth it
every heartache so worth all the pain
every sacrifice was never a means for regret

every winter sprung back to the love of spring
and even when the warmth of summer fell to the rains of fall
i was so inspired watching these seasons changing
and i was once again left to bear the tears of the sky

so, from my heart
through prayer
i don’t ask for anything more but just enough
just enough strength to revive my spirit
just enough faith to give me hope
i don’t ask for anything more than enough love
to love you for the rest of forever

and i promise that my fate
and my life in your service will begin from infinity
i’ll count backwards to reach my beginning of forever with you
for just enough to reach the new day forthcoming
i promise to love you until this infinity raises me to the sky

and with this promise to inspire nations –
no matter my struggle
i have pledged to live my life proving to you this heart is true
with each breath –
my stride relentless in my pursuit to attest to your love
though often weakened by human desire,
my faith is never abandoned
with each yesterday conquered
and every new day forthcoming

these seasons changing are my proof that you exist past the pain
i am warmed by your sunrise
my heart awakened by your rains
my soul flies higher
my eyes opened wider
my faith strengthened by my desire to make it through
i’ll follow these sunsets you’ve paved
to find my way back home to you
and i’ll live through that infinity with you
some how
some way

Here and Now

I wish i could be by you side,
but fate has given me another hole to dive,
into and its not see-through,
i see no end to this nightmare that i'm in, how long has it been,
since i've calculated and eventually reinstated,
the definition of the people in my inner circle,
as i see it dwindle to a few individuals,
i feel insignificant has those few grow distant,
the warmth from my heart goes, as i become cold,
i have 10 layers on and i'm shivering feeding,
off of what little of me i have left,
i may already be dead except for,
these flashbacks of memories that seem,
to be too happy to be memories of mine,
so i'm inclined to deny,
my minds feeding me snippets of propaganda, images of grandeur,
things that are too good to be true,
yet again making me look like a fool,
taking advantage of my definition of cool,
in my own mind im used as a tool,
for my own destruction the destruction of my soul,
souless is what i am, and who i am im not a fan,
i've fallen too many times for false friendships,
now i'm sinking in my own ship,
as i lay down ready to be laid to rest,
by the raging sea as it crashes above me
the memories again overload my mind,
what exactly is my mind trying to remind,
i see me kicking it at the movies,
with friends but even then i did pretend,
cuz i never once felt my company was wanted,
and i don't think it will, time sits still,
i hope as you read this you see through, my minds eye,
and don't worry i'm still alive,
its just a short introduction to the inner workings,
of someone thoughts and the loneliness it brought.

my safety zone

my bedroom is supposed to be one of those places where safety is supposably found so easily,
but when i think about it...
it's actually being in the arms of someone.
someone fantastic,
someone beautiful,
someone great,
someone just beyond what words can describe this person as.
it's the fact that
i've fallen in love with the way his arms just hug me so tightly

my safety zone.
my comfort.

the struggle of trying to get out of his arms
the struggle of trying to get out of his love
his care
his hands clasped as he wraps his arms around me
as we lie
so peacefully on a soft bed,

it's an everlasting struggle
of trying to release
it's impossible
just simply inevitable
his love is so strong
it keeps me safe with its strength
it'll battle whatever comes its way
maintaining its safetyness
maintaining its undying love

he is my fortress
his love keeps me safe,
accompanied by his soft, loving arms
his love
is my safety zone.
my comfort.

home.

i chose a place to call home and i can't imagine it anymore. there used to be kindness there...a comfort and a warmth irreplacable. easily. an undying happiness that pinched my cheeks into a constant smile. and now i see pride lined against the wall paper. stained carpets with ego and grudges. i tried to hide it with the furniture, but it was always showing. no matter what i covered it with. and even when i couldn't see it, my eyes viewed a tainted vision of a house instead...

...then i knew i wasn't home. maybe never home. not as happy as i had thought and not as at ease as i had previously felt. and so easily -- he stole from me what i felt was the only thing i could claim...now only mine to build. a trick door when i tried to open. a misplaced board caught on my foot and i went sprawling. tired of avoiding the cracks in my own floor, i watched carefully from one corner. ruining my own creation with a flood of tears. no insurance that this would ever be the end of destruction, but only that i would be left with less than i had come with.

but i know i'm willing to lose it all at a chance to gain it first. a risk to open my arms wide -- a risk to know that possibly there will be no one to fill them, but a chance that they will forever hold an embrace.

i can tear down my walls for a chance to live with no barriers.
i can rebuild --
and find home again.

promise

for all my tomorrows
though none of them are promised
if i am ever gifted with one brand new
i promise it to you

and i wish i had more than just promises to offer
but my hands are empty
they merely grasp onto you
a hope to cling to
because you...
are all the promise i need
for the tomorrows i have yet to give you.

Freewrite.

she is strength.
empowering barely sprouting seeds to bloom with blossom-like splendor,
she speaks like a mother and moves with subtle soul,
so significant that anyone that's someone should take notice;
seeing her from a distance makes my hope just
burst from the seams of my heart and longing dreams.
a short glance and i'm uncertainly working
up the nervous nerve to say hello and sound superb,
and hope from the bottom of my heart strings that she'll
share a few words,
and the greatest gift in this moment would be to listen
and remember how she feels, to know some of her history,
it would be a delight to hear the light in her voice
and the word selection, all her own choice,
and it would be exhilarating to have her focus on me,
I, whom has gone in and out of focus, waiting for this solstice,
wish to freeze frame time to capture her on oil canvas
and then die while starting back time because the portrait of her image
is priceless and translates understanding through all language
that she is care and all things wonderful there;
no one can compare.

let me tell you about story

i’m still learning how to unwrap the gift of story
i sometimes think my palms weren’t meant to handle something so profound
my voice not melodic enough for her music
my existence too insignificant to be added to her text

i mean, she’s story
a timeless personification the world over
a tongue sharpened allegory
and make no mistake
story never existed for her own glory
she tells triumphant tales of victory
teaches lessons in a sojourner’s defeat
calls upon potent vessels of revolution
cause see
she, unlike me
has danced in perfect stride with sister spontaneity
to the unmingled music of the moon
her silhouette formed by the glow of brother fortune’s foretold
the ferment of story verbalized in bold
in an hour shes called upon one hundredfold
watch historic layers give way as her legacy unfolds

she has even migrated west
to watch the absence of both rest and even upward mobility
her fertility inhabits the heart songs of the destitute
she was raised in the home of barren and broken tributes
ripened to caress the calloused earth that pains
she has chronicled ancient text spent lifetimes to obtain
and to a hero’s disdain
story outlasts even the steadfast to remain
etched into my palms before I could grasp the symbol of a fist
story has felt the pulse of the fallen brown warrior and matriarch
and tasted the tears that only real hope can spark
but with the rhythmic beats of native drumming
story continues

coloring the history of the rising of the sun
huddling together inside the encampment walls
wielding a pen with ferocity and fidelity
blessing the mic under lackluster lighting
cutting through the unbearable stench of rolling hills of waste
reminiscing under the soft glow of street corner lamplight

like i told you
i am still learning how to unwrap the gift of story
for i am forever indebted to story
i am her child, her muse, her vehicle
my entrails were picked apart and branded by story
and as i grew, my passions were shaped by story
i am carried to neverland by her moonlit soliloquy
yet i am violently awakened by her screams for equity
but she continues to hold my hand as we walk backwards from the past
i grip tightly with the wind at my back,
we two, are protectors of the sun
she, like the wind, carries the solemn whispers to the corners of the earth

story is our impetus
a reactionary measure
meant to share ourselves with others
so live and let story, give and get story
cause story waits for no man
and i have never met a man that wasn’t willing to listen to story
learn to unwrap this gift the world calls story
so you and i can be blessed

For Her.

you always held me closer when i'd rather push away/
i'm finding that it's easiest to lose your way from the root/
the origin of love, unconditional i've rediscovered within you/
the advice you've given, true/
akin to periods of powerlessness i've been through/

through it all, i'm standing taller now/
f@#% impressing others, the best thing is having her blessing/
and blending it with broken souls in need of mending/
and sending it through, the same way living and dying angels knew to/
send it through magically, like a piece of d'angelo's voodoo/

do you know what you do?/
you transmit radiowaves of rejuvenation into the .am and .fm of my be-in'/
good vibes like cal tjader's, so much soul like vinroc's faders/
sweet anytime, like now or laters/
just let me say a little prayer, and constantly thank my Savior for allowing me to save her/
in my memory bank for all centuries and time/
i thank the essence of love, outlasting the most picturesque dawn/
breaking light to let me write this reminder, dedicated to Mom.

remember

i reflected...
i remember my life defined by he...
my being only reflected all he was to me
there were days when i wanted to claim victories as my own
and promise myself better days
but when he took away all reason
when i could not rely on anything
i felt the earth crumble from underneath my feet
lost in insanity
lost in weakness
lost in nonsense
he reminded me that the world will all pass away
it's no wonder it was never the foundation for me to stand on...

i remember then...being pushed to my knees
by the burdens and pressures of being too human
by the days i forgot my only necessity
and each day proved to be more difficult
but on both knees
in prayer i found my solace
my strength only amplified when my humility reached it's peak
my weaknesses being all i could cling to
in realization that they were what brought me closer to he...

i remember the gaze from his eye
falling distinctly into it's corresponding spark
from my own eyes that were ready to cry
his breath ready to blow my tears away
with just a simple sigh
he...saddened by the sight of me fallen again
but he was the cure for my sadness
before tears fell from the corners of each eye
before tears blinked into existence
he, so easily created my only solution
and when i exhaled
all my troubles escaped my lips in song
i promised...
to never doubt again

please...i beg you...
always help me remember...

This Feeling That I Feel.

it's that feeling
the type you get when inner might injects
light and text
a neon idea sign found inside your mind
it's like something you've been chasing
is now finally found
patience can go adjacent when your writer's block is taken down.

it's that feeling
when you feel that something so good
so warm
so righteous
so AMAZING
flood your mind with a dozen morphine highs
and your stomach with gentle butterflies
pleasure so profound you feel bound to utter sighs
got the mute speaking fluent with this cure for cancered lives.

it's that feeling
of forgiveness when you're truly sorry
that feeling of enlightenment when you learn
the feel of progress after a pauseless period of hoping
just that feeling of fire when inspiration hits you.

how does it feel?
hopefully a feeling that doesn't go untitled
maybe it's akin to memories as a small child
the first time you kissed, first defeat of your rival
the first time you did what you loved and no longer felt in denial.

it's that feeling that exists in you and i
that maybe won't last forever
but will help us to better get by.

an excerpt from an old cheesy one

you and i
we
a glimpse
a note
a painting
a shared vision of sunsets set in utopias unknown to this earth
a premeditated, preconceived notion
of consummate unity
wholeness
being one
that love truly does exceed all limitations
break down all barriers
and dismantle all defenses
in a world devoid of collectivity and love
we're not perfect
but you and i
we'll strive to give ourselves as bridges over spaces that lack
we'll live in the rewards of our decorated past
i'll let you be you and me be me
but grow closer to shared peace than we ever thought before
you say let the hurts lay in yesterday's fragility
and i say look forward to tomorrow beginnings
but the present exists as a balance of the two
and we live in all three
even if urgency inhabits the moment
we can never forget that a moment is but a mere twinkle
a piece of sunshine in the eyes of the light
and your eyes tell me you love me
they smile away the inconsequential
they allow me to dream about memories both past and yet to be
they pierce each layer of my weary soul
and thats where we'll really live
you and i
in each other

[snippet] "see you through"

...with this promise to inspire nations
no matter my struggle
i have pledged to live my life proving to you my heart is true
with each breath --
my stride relentless in my pursuit to attest to your love
though often weakened by human desire
my faith is never abandoned
with each yesterday conquered
and every new day forthcoming

these seasons changing are my proof that you exist past the pain
i am warmed by your sunrise
my heart awakened by your rains
my soul flies higher
my eyes opened wider
my faith strengthened by my desire to make it through

i'll follow the sunsets you've paved
to find my way back home to you
somehow
someway...

Passion personified

Flimsy strings stroke the air
A faint guitar breaks the silence
It's unimaginable
it's unforgivable

Inspiration seeps through his skin
Infecting, massive attack, fairy dust to the core
Peter pan couldn’t have wanted more
If you don’t want to grow up, leave.
 
The brilliance penetrates never never land
Never never never never land
It’s never too late to say
You are brilliant
You are an inspiration
You are infectious
 
It is our duty to fight
Causing mad chaos with our minds
Fucking shit up with our oration
Because we never never never land like this
 
It is our duty to win
Lessons learned demand our time
It’s not what they’ve done-It’s what you’ve taught us
Inspiration/motivation/complication
 
It’s is our duty to love each other and protect each other
Who was there to protect you?
Who was there to catch you??
Who was there to defend you???
 
Never never never land never saw this coming
The being burns through my ears
Panic attack ringing void
Blasted through the pages
Never never never did you deserve to land like this
 
Inspiration flows from his fingers
Just by his touch
Winded by his words-tough love
We have nothing to lose but our chains

"It is our duty to fight
It is our duty to win
It is our duty to love each other and protect each other
We have nothing to lose but our chains” 

-RIP, Dr. D
http://www.contracostatimes.com/ci_8225622

my heartbeat at 1:00am

i'm beginning to breathe again
in this rebirth
the rocky trail of imperfect intent and misdirected direction
my footsteps are moist with tears and vanquished dreams
the narrow straits of this labyrinth are messy
but there's one truth i take solace in

i'm a wounded healer

i'm respectfully moving forward as i walk with this beautiful limp
i humbly hold my scar tissues skyward in transparency
i realize it's impossible to enjoy the restorative refrain of sunshine
when you forget pain and mistakes in darker compartments
my weaknesses bleeding and exposed
to most the process may seem foolish or self-destructive
but i would have it no other way
there is beauty and peace in this blessed tension
and for that
there is much reason to celebrate

*because His PAST presence is PRESENT enough for our FUTURE

There is Love

There is Love (feat. iLL-Literacy)

sometimes being a student of life ain't easy

i've been victimized
a victim of my own demise
propositioned to slumber and toil in lies
asked to quietly fall in line
coerced to wear the sheep's disguise
been desecrated in mind and soul
torched inevitably by the truth's toll
victimized
and i long to be whole

the image

soul image,
black imprint on the silk screen.
undying, but unfulfilled amidst the unseen.
ride along the lines,
only color on the inside.
tell me why they're so many restrictions in a lifetime.

little linus rebelled,
he colored on the outside.
even when the image he filled was from his own lines.
broke the crayon in half,
and scribbled with two hands.
picked up the image and transformed it into his own brand.

sculpt your own struggle,
or paint your own fate.
be drawn into life to learn from the mistakes.
dream up the sun,
and make the soul image.
never lift the brush until the journeys all finished.

happy anniversary grandma

i know i have put this up
but its been 4 years yesterday since grandma left and i just wanted to put it up for her again

orignal post
GRANDMA... By EJ

This morning I woke up
And you were already up
You were in the kitchen about to cook
Me some bacon…
I told you grandma
I’m going to school
When I come home cook ok…
I said goodbye
Not knowing it was my last goodbye into the
Clear crystal blue brown eyes of you…
Your last words to me
“drive safely”
and that’s all I can remember
standing there was my last image…of you
getting ready to cook me my breakfast..
it keeps replaying in my head
why didn’t I sit down and eat with you
why didn’t I sit down and thank you
at work
I was getting all these calls and I cant check um..
I get a emergency
Blind to see the truth that was awaiting me
I denied the truth and believed in my own reality…
But in the 15 min drive
My whole life flashed before my eyes…
At 18 it would be my first closest lost..
But in myself I was already lost
18 years ago you were there
till this morning you were here
in my heart you were there
and in my heart you still are here
in my eyes you are a FILIPINA
Filipina pioneer
Paved the way for generations to come
Stood up for the generations to come
Loved and took care of me for my next generations to come
I remember as a little one
I never left you
I was always next to you
I never slept anywhere else except
Between you and grandpa…
Even when I moved away I came back and still slept with you…
You disciplined me when I was young…
You Flashed me when I was wrong…
It was the sickest thing I’ve ever seen
But your point always got across to me…
Even though I couldn’t understand…your point got across..
Cuz you are strong...
Grandma you are strong...
I thought I lost you before
But you came back and supported me even more
And this brings me to thanking you
But losing you left me empty with a blank history of
What you went through for me…
Like Jose Rizal once said
“Those who don’t recognize where they came from, will never get where they are going…”
I was tossed into the slaughter house
And muted of my native tongue
It was the one thing that would have connected our souls
It was the one element that would have created the
More being of me
It would have completed my history..
ALL I WANTED WITH YOU WAS A CONVERSATION…
I WAS ROBBED OF MY TONGUE AND I WAS ROBBED of MY TIME WITH YOU
Becuz I would always struggle just trying to say
I love you…
Grandma..
All those times at the kitchen table…silence…
I wasn’t hungry to eat my food
I was hungry to entertain you..
Grandma I wanted to know how you got to be you…
I just wanted your advice
But everytime it came out
It was foreign to my ears…and I would stand there and stare…
Wanting to understand
Grandma...
I want to understand you…
And this morning was my last chance…
And flash…
I’m running to the emergency room...silence again..
I open the door to a utopian white room
With you in the center
Grandma…
Grandma…grandma...
Grandma wake up
I want to say hi…
Grandma, I didn’t get to cook your rice...
Grandma please open your eyes…
And everytime I cried on your face I thought your eyelids opened
But reality collapsed on me
And again my heart broken..

Grandma…
Grandma
I’m sorry I didn’t eat breakfast with you…thank you...
I hold your hand...
Kiss your forehead
Close me eyes and say goodbye….

Goodbye to piece of my history
That lied in your life
Thank you for always being true…
Thank you…
I love you…
Grandma…

RIP