"The Struggle with Ambiguity"

I too am obsessed with numbers.
Obsessed with the excess of my own ambiguity.
Like releasing the gates, which only I can see.
But then I'm faced with a reality which blindly sets a tone over my ears
I can no longer hear…
And then a tone opaque covers my eyes.
I can no longer see…
Now the ambiguity engulfs me.
I've only dreaded these eyes and ears because of the alleyway I once walked down upon.
Couldn't see which track I was on,
Couldn't listen to the sound track to the song that played in my foreground.
Constantly blocking the way to a mind-state that overdubbed my understanding of what was real and what was fallacy.

"I too" is probably the overstatement.
"I too" is probably the misunderstanding
I for one, am probably subject to the lie which seemed like an investment in hope.
The faith of the future.
The faith of a future.
And as repetitive as it may seem.
You just don't see the irony that has erected from the scene.
Embarrassing it is to fit in a meme which I chose not to associate with
But the reality is that I did it again and placed myself behind the myth.
All because I chose not to let the belief wither and die.
Realizing that what I've visualized before was just a cloud in the sky.
Trust me,
I've came back down from that already and unstuck my head from the nimbus on high.

Got my head out the clouds because it seemed like an unlikely destination to be in.
This compilation of text seems so scatterbrained,
believe me, I hate the feelin'.
Meddling with the rhyme,
through the sun I see the times.
if only I can see ahead to the unveiling of the mind.
I would…
But we all know that its possibility is impossible when left to a coin toss.
Which causes us to understand the lasting fact that the loss is dreaded in the mist.
So that's it. now I just criss-cross it off the main list.
Or at least I try to.
Jus do me favor for now and reevaluate self for before you think this is about you.

a snippet of my secret.

you’ve brought reading to another level,
i feel all flushed with fever.
but, instead of killing me softly,
I feel life in every morning after the unrest of the night.
I won’t listen to warnings of my heart being empty
when I know that within every single step,
my mind is getting stronger with the work out of sending vivid hopes of you from nerve to nerve.
my nerd,
my nerd,
you bring me to better aspirations,
I dream in the day again, far from R.E.M. cycles that don’t understand the loving kiss of the bright sun.
this pain you’ve jotted down has set my soul on fire
everyday since I have met you, I wonder,
have I found the spiritual confidence I have been looking for?
even if I was fooling myself I am completely grateful.
you might as well pass be the dunce hat and call me the city idiot if I didn’t take advantage of the hope and inspiration planted by your hands.
you write of love and of hope and I applaud you.
ashamedly,
I’m not even that honest when I write.
turn of phrase and double meanings,
a story within a planned out, well-executed concentration of words
yet, still so fearful of the messages I truly want to expose.
I’ve been so afraid of writing about you,
yet I dream about you listening,
you watching,
and you reading
knowing exactly which carefully chosen words are sincerely surrounded around my heart’s vision of you.
and,
I dream that one day, you’ll never have to write about hope so often, so in depth.
I know I can love you until you don’t accept loneliness anymore.
and, if that doesn’t work,
i’m going to love you every single lonely night for the rest of our existence,
so long as you love waking up on our side of the lonely world as much as I do.
your words.
you’ve somehow made me a better person.
I’m pushing forward, I’m pushing on.
sometimes, I am truly over it.
but, secretly, I read your writings,
because secretly,
I still dream of you.