no answer

steps i've taken backward
reveal holes in the vision--
blind spots that have yet to be seen

my feet fit nicely in the imprints
a stenciled outline of each foot
suggesting that is where they should remain

it's no surprise. upon a moment of clear mind
doubled the distance i needed to walk.
getting nowhere swiftly, i realize.

aren't there more places to go.
things i wanted to see?

why so complicated
when it's actually simple

Dear Teacher

Dear Teacher,

I thought I should let you know I am applying to graduate school.
Wish me luck!
Looking back on it, I remember all those years in school just vaguely.
I mostly remember being more concerned about what I was wearing
(more than doing my homework)
who would be my best friend (of that particular week)
if the burritos were being served for lunch on Fridays
and whether or not I was paired up with my friends for class activities.
I’m sure I learned some other stuff...like...math or something.
...whatever it was –

I can vaguely recall I must’ve learned something academic...

...but I definitely remembered you.

Like that one time, in Kindergarten,
when you helped us decorate our names
and use the strongest tape to tape it onto our desks

...otherwise it would be gone the next day.

Or that one time in 2nd grade
when I came crying to you because Billy called me a “shrimp”
-- you told me that I wasn’t a “shrimp” - I was just “petite”

And that time in 5th grade when you didn’t let me get too arrogant
when I won the School-wide spelling bee by spelling “auspicious” correctly
-- and then you didn’t make me feel stupid
for losing at the Solano County Spelling Bee Finals
because I misspelled the word “pseudonym”
(you told me you were so proud of me anyway

and that I did a great job, remember?)

And in 7th grade when you had us memorize Shakespeare

and recite it to the entire class
I don’t know why, but I chose Titania’s speech
(I had no clue what the passage actually meant anyway)
you knew my hands were shaking and I was stuttering like crazy
but you pretended not to notice, anyway.

Or even that time in 10th grade -- during any of my presentations,
you stopped me every time I said the word “like”

 when it didn’t belong in the sentence
like, you know when, like, I didn’t, like,

know what to say, like, during my presentation
-- and you made me start over and over until I got it right.

And even in those first few years of college,
you told me that late work is NOT accepted,
traffic is not a valid reason for coming late to class,
and neither is not being able to find parking
(which you know was totally true

and I tried to explain it to you multiple times)

And somehow, even after all that, you were still willing to help me
you wrote a letter of recommendation

to the graduate studies department on my behalf
telling the program administrators

how much potential you see in me as a future graduate student.

-----

You see, there’s simply no way I could forget you --

Because when you taped my name to my desk in Kindergarten,
I realized that, for the first time, outside of my home --
I had a special place here at school
and pursuing my education was where I should be everyday

And when you didn’t let me believe Billy when he called me a “shrimp”
you showed me the power of words
and gave me self confidence I never knew before
that I am fine just the way I am
and who I am is nothing to be ashamed of

Then when you told me you were proud of me

when I won the spelling bee (and lost it)
you reminded me that success is never final
failure happens and it hurts, but it is bearable
and our best efforts, win or lose, are what brings out the best in us
You taught me how to keep my ego in check in winning
and how to uplift my heavy heart in losing

Even in 7th grade,

you knew I had no clue what Shakespeare was trying to write
-- to this day,

I still don’t know the full meaning of the passage I memorized
but you were patient with my discomfort in public speaking
and instead of penalizing me for my fears
you let me shake, sweat, and stutter
and showed me that after I get over my fears
is when I can freely express myself
you gave me the opportunity to embrace the fear
(and as you can see,

I’m not so scared of public speaking anymore)

And even when it was almost ridiculous how many times
you had to stop me

in the middle of those 10th grade presentations
just to get me to stop saying the word “like”
I learned the importance of choosing my words carefully
-- no fillers necessary
(and of course, saying “like” a million times was pretty annoying, I’m sure)
reminding me time and time again

that being sure of every single word I chose to speak
would resonate with the message I was trying to communicate
I learned the importance

of being articulate and purposeful in my speech
and what it really meant to speak with conviction.

And even though, at the time, I might have felt you were too strict
on your policy regarding late work or being late to class
or...just anything related to the word “late” in any way, shape, or form,
-- it really drove the point home that if I wanted to succeed in life,
excuses won’t get me anywhere

and they will not take me any closer to progress or success
and if I really wanted to make something happen,

I would do what was necessary
and make the necessary sacrifices to make it really happen.

-----

So when I had my interview two days ago for graduate school
...I remembered you and that after all that I put you through --
you still had faith in me,

believed in me,

and encouraged me to follow my heart
and when they asked me why I want to be admitted to this program

and become a teacher

-- I knew exactly why.

Because with all of these lessons you taught me,
you inspired me and showed me

that in order to accomplish something great,
I can and must do great things -- things that I truly believe in.
You helped instill in me

the motivation,

determination,

and inspiration to achieve my goals
and showed me that success is inevitable

when I put my heart into my work.

Because of you,

I learned that education

can serve as the catalyst for us, as students,
to identify, pursue, and reach our own personal goals.
Because of you, I learned
that teachers grow our tomorrows

and help mold future generations
simply put, because of you -- I learned.
And for all of these things, I just wanted to say thank you -
You have made all the difference in my life.

Sincerely,

Your student

...and hopefully someday soon -- future teacher

black waves swayed with worn out moist eyelids.
the muscles in my chest tightened as it tried to grasp hold of the moment.

a familiar sight, a familiar figure emerged from the crowd.
the racing paced back and forth only to fail on recalling an actual "last time"
A swallow pulled the sight back to reality.
By then, the appreciation of the building architecture became more apparent.

Both hands fought against each other.
One attempting to reach out as the other drew it back in.
the confusion was suppose to have settled things,
but the past couldnt help but catch up.

Again.

The Golden White Chariot.

His chariot shined and glided around the bend as his memory followed slowly behind.

December's bitter cold couldn't hold down smiles as the vessel came to a standstill and his next of kin surrounded it.

Saturday's black night had reverberated stories of laughter and also pierced chests that had been burdened by grief.

His spirit had passed and the fellow charioteers assembled in a gesture of remembrance.

Each peer had knelt their Lions in complete silence as hundreds of breaths rose upward.

And in a great movement, each Feline roared into the heavens to echo the presence he had on this earth.

The Golden White Chariot stepped off and led in front but drew more than just dust from behind.

Just like it's own valiant beast, it drew those who had united in his celebration.

Every lion roared as they fell into His chariot's tracks.

Their destination was where he was called and it would be there where part of his honor remained.

And in a fleeting exhale, The Golden White Chariot rolled out of sight.

made it through

this moment. the happiness i feel
real.
genuine,
sincere.

moments like these,
rendering all the sacrifices worth it
struggles to hold on, versus giving it all up

i quiet the impulse that claims i don't deserve this
because i've always yearned to be happy

in the past a heavy heart i've carried
unaware of how to care for my wounds
unable to escape the vicious cycle
imprisoned by lack of principle
believing there was no where else to go

"thank you", my heart exclaims
because i know this feeling
the feeling opposite of my experiences in whole
unfamiliar yet powerful
fear-inducing and inspiring

i tear down the walls i've built to guard myself
and i am terrified, afraid.
i find myself getting in my own way.
but what good is there in being helpless?

faith turns each of these weaknesses away.

400m

little things
since when have they taken a backseat.
how long have i been pointing fingers
and when will i finally be awake?

what is it that causes me to move so quickly-- so fast
and yet be stuck here, in the same exact place.

underlying reasons i've thought were so difficult to find
all along have been right in front of my face

Ending October (freewrite)

There's really no level of honesty that can sincerely take me to a place that can fully express what this feels like. I don't think it has anything to do with truthfulness, honesty, sincerity, or any of those things that are often lacking when it comes to feeling this way --

Quite the opposite -
it's the floor crumbling beneath my feet kind of panic
my emotions are straining.
Itching for a place to catch my footing.
A spot where I can stop falling
after I feel like I've found a way to climb so high.
I'm borderline floating,
wishing I knew what made it so easy to rise above.
Fly higher.
Dream bigger.
And somehow stay inspired.

I find that I'm at this earth shattering breaking point
where nothing makes any sense at all,
but it's that chaotic feel that gave me the most ease.
I have no idea what limits I'm gonna break -
and I have no obligation at all to find out.
I have no pressing need to foresee the future,
though it's bouncing back at me
and beating crazy heatwaves into my lifelines.
My blood's boiling with the anticipation and eagerness in this uncertainty.
I have nothing but high hopes for it.

I'm watching red bricks turn yellow each step forward I take.
My eyes see nothing in front of me;
they've become mere windows
to peer through while my heart steers me in this direction.
They're open to just barely witness the miracles that blind me.
The sky that keeps my flight.
The wind that keeps my ease and peacefulness intact.
I'm blown away by the happiness pulsing through my veins.
Wondering if there's a need to define it,
when everyday it recreates itself into something bigger.
Better.
Like I'm meant to lose sight of all I know
because this is all beyond anything that's been felt before.

I'm inspired by you, love.
You have become this ridiculous reality
that I'm failing everyday to achieve.
A dream I can't seem to wake from.
A life I couldn't have imagined for myself.
A night that is too dark to see through,
but I'll sleep walk just to meet you.
And it's a shame that you're an amazing dream come true;
making reality seem like a false sense of security
we all failed to realize --
it was only some figment of an imagined state of safety.
You make life seem like it's just started.
I've never breathed this easy before.
Being with you is like finding my sunlight for the first time.
Holding you is better than sunlight.
Kissing you is better than breathing.

And if I could find the right words to describe it; I'd choose not to.
For fear that it would cheapen this indescribable experience I have with you.
A dream - witnesses and realized.
An accidental slip into what everyone wishes could have been.
A reality that never could feel real.
It's just that [...] good, you can't ever believe it.

left-justified

you felt so right, so i left…

427 miles until i reached your pillow case

and even though i sat cozy in the driver's seat of a chevy

you felt like a leap of faith

see, i was never the type to see distance and be attracted

my idea of romance existed within a 50 mile radius

but the moment we kissed, i realized what inspired Thomas Edison.

you electrocute every nerve in my nervous system that that nervous feeling is non-existent,

so when we hug, it's just natural.

like lightning imitating nature's electricity,

you are electric.

you even make 5am wake ups worth it

because the reflections of the sunrise on the windows of the city's endless hills are pretty damn reminiscent of the glare in your eyes and the smile on your face.

fuck it, im cliche.

but when i drive, i think of you.

you've embedded yourself so deep in my brain like i was a fiend that sniffed so hard,

it institutionalized me.

but i still want you bad.

something like the urge to cut lines of cocaine while going through withdrawal in rehab type of bad.

it's as if cupid lost his arrow and has been trying to shoot you with a pistol

but for the past 21 years, he was sighting incorrectly.

…until now.

books and books of words that you opened my ears to

stories upon stories that gracefully stumbled out of your lips with tantalizing diction

and still,

i have not but 1/8 of what your life has been.

a mystery to me from an island where your foundation was laid.

but i want to learn you

i want to mix smoothies with you

mix beats, mix emotions,

mix limbs.

your fiji apple lips to my strawberry kiss.

you are my muse

i haven't written in years but you make it effortless to speak

from prose to staccato to the measures of music that you make my heart groove to

beat skipping, leap frog

impactful tactics like guessing all the coordinates of my battleships.

see, i was always taught not to use "like" in my speech

but its no longer just a space filler.

it's become the filling to the space between your freckle-eyed brown eyes and mine

like that air of silence, like that air of laughter

boiling down into complete insanity of our hands pressed

singing songs to the rhythm of our heart's desires.

you make me want to jump out of excitement

but i always fall back because you've made my knees too weak to absorb the landing.

so when i land to you, i gain justification

because the moment i left, it felt so right.

unfinished Sept. freewrite

[freewrite]

it's already revealed itself
to be so much more than just "worth it"
like i'm giving meaning to mean so much more
and more than anything,
enhanced beyond any imagined possibilities

i find myself leaning on figures of speech
itching for natural progressions
to reveal what has already become so obvious,
even to the oblivious,
that this is so much more than just the ordinary
the regular and the expected
in the everyday struggle to aim to get higher
to dream bigger
and to live better
i find myself happier
than what words can merely describe
speechless often

he gave meaning to all that
to reveal he's more than all that
he makes words unworthy of describing this feeling
i'm itching for a new way of expressing it
new words to suit this new fit
but i know i'm on the right track...

i'm almost there
building this foundation of every dream as it hits reality
colliding with my awakened soul
breaking down all my limitations
i'm rebuilding my dreams
brick by brick
building this foundation
watching red bricks turn yellow
and i know i'm on the right track
not sure where i'm headed
...just following my yellow brick road.

grasp

will i ever fully grasp
      why you do the things you do?

      does this even matter? when
         your actions-- all pure and true


      knowing you could be struck down;
         the risk of being smashed apart or turned away

      the conscious refusal to let anything sway you in the end

         incites me to rebuild my ways.