self-written two years, 34 days ago

Self-June 1st,2009

I am a slow learner,
and for this, I've missed out on life.
Many a night spent wasting away,
steeped in poison, which caused which to decay;
the brain was the first, the second my body,
or was it my spirit, who easily succumbed to it's calling?

Then it was my heart, which battled on long,
between the loneliness of the secret,
and confessing my wrongs.


It knew not what to do, so it surrendered to my mind,
encased by brain enslaved to it's own demise.

Then it was my life, that proceeded to get worse,
losing jobs, friends, and school, it seemed I was cursed.
The curse began to show in others lives,
stealing them of freedom, I kept them chained at my side.
I clung on to them on my ship that was sinking,
draining their life, no remorse I was feeling.

It was no surprise when I woke up one day,
that it was five years later, I was alone, and shamed.

That all I had done was because of a choice I made,
day in and day out, the decision was the same.
That I would not love myself, a lie I long believed,
that no one could love this despicable me.

And because of that resignation of my being,
I had no reason to try anything.
I had no hope, no vision to see,
of myself better than what I have been.

I couldn't believe that others loved me,
in turn, I expected them to prove everything.
Because my reality was a twisted lie,
that nothing for myself was worth the try.

So the ones who have loved me, attempted to give freely
their love, and their time, in reality, I was stealing.
To me, I felt their love was undeserved,
so gave my entire being to show them love in return.

In this, I became a burden to anyone who cared,
because I refused to provide for myself the means to share.
I had it my way, this was an error, now I see,
if I didn't love myself, I didn't love anything.

How can I listen, when I only hear myself speaking?
How can I support, when I'm the one leaning?
How can sympathize, when I dont even know my feelings,
It is impossible, when I hate myself daily without reason.

So I lost everything I cherished, I surrendered it all,
to fear and self loathing, waiting for deaths call.
I refused to live, yet was too afraid to die,
because every day I hid behind my pride.
Behind the facade I put before all,
I thought I had everyone fooled, yet I was wrong.
Everyone saw what I was doing, and would try,
to shake me, so I would awake from my lie.
I remained stubborn, refusing to see,
the only eye that I was fooling was me.

Eventually, one by one they went away,
my friends, my loved ones, my goals for my days.
I even lost the lord, I lost the right to play.
I lost my sense of self, and in my bed I laid.
No job, no school, no money, no nothing.
Thats what I believed I was, so I became; NOTHING.

Then by a miracle, out of nothing, spoke something.
From despair and the throes of insanity, I felt, then heard him coming.
Tired and lonely, hurting, and sick,
looking up from at the bottom of my pit of despair
I looked for an exit off this road to nowhere.

Humbling, It was, being lower than low,
the consequence of walking on this wayward road.

From nothing, I would eventually come to see
some things had nothing to do with how my life came to be
it wasn't about what anyone else did, or how I was reared,
my choices made me, that finally was clear.

Why prove to others, when I couldn't prove to myself,
how could I care for another, when I destroyed my own health?
How could I tell them not to worry, then do things that hurt me,
then promise to care for them, when I couldn't care for me.
Why did I care so much if someone liked me?
I could never become what they were, they are NOT ME.

Why attend something when no one counts your attendance?
It was only between me and God now, that I could find repentance.

Why did I keep calling myself ugly, then resent rejection?
Why blame everyone else for my self made appearance?
Why do something I hated to do day to day,
then go through more stress of hiding that I did it anyway?
Why ask for help, when I had no reason to get better?
Wasting the others time in a hopeless endeavor?
Why did I hide my pain from the ones who cared most?
Why did I hide from God, the only one who could help me?
Then start to believe that he was the one who had left me?

Then somehow, somewhere, I saw the light,
everything I believed was wrong, so searched for what was right.

If I hated what I was doing, I should have just STOPPED,
to surrender to change, and learn to move on.
If I resented rejection, I needed to begin to accept myself,
and make an effort to improve my health.
If I was lonely, I shouldn't have pushed everyone away,
start trying the truth and keeping it that way.
If God had left me, how was it possible I survived?
It's because I rejected his love, in a lie.
God was always there, in the form of love of others and opportunities,
allowing me to recall that there was something better than I had chose to be.

In reflection of all that I had, I realized what I truly lost,
that all the mistakes I made, had come with a cost.

I looked at things without attachment
and without feeling, stood and looked with detachment.
Everything as it was, they were different.
When I saw them without the emotion to smear it.

It wasn't about what I was not or was given,
I made do with what I had, and created my way of living.
I had everything handed to me on a platter,
and ungratefully hating myself, let it scatter.
It never matter how everyone saw me,
how I saw myself, is what I created into being.

I don't know how I finally learned this truth,
but since then, it's been the greatest lesson from my youth.
From all my failures and wrongs, wisdom I now gain,
as long as I rise up and try again, my life wont stay the same.

So today, I live my life to myself being true,
loving what I have become, because of what I put myself through,
I am able to hold up my head and proclaim,
because the lord loved me, I can do the same.
And because I have fallen, I know what its like to empower my fate,
to believe what I was, is what I would create.

I now choose love, and in love, I have faith,
which enables me to envision a better life to make.

Life is an adventure in which I make it,
Life I create, the world is mine, to take in.
Life is experiencing the moment in every day,
taking in what I want, and discarding useless ways.
Every moment is a blessing, I faithfully concede,
in loss, in pain, true gain is received.
By trials I am purified, and in wrongs, I see the right,
the why behind every law, and the inner battle we fight,
between fear and love, there is always a choice,
but with God, I rise above, and in living, rejoice.