i wanna know what makes you tick
so i know what clock you're living by
then my timing won't be so wrong
i won't say the wrong things at the wrong times
this time i'll be on the right track
i just kept getting lost in the constant maze you pull me through
expecting me to know my way
when i'm not sure if there is a way at all
all i get...all i find...is myself lost again.
i wanna figure this out already

onetwo

onetwoonetwoonetwoonetwo.never stop running. never stop counting. never stop racing. never stop competing. never stop moving. never stop thinking. never stop pushing. never stop forcing. never stop sprinting. never stop the burning. never stop the yearning. never stop the sweating. never stop the motion. never stop the commotion. never stop trying. never stop sighing. never stop crying. never stop dying. but never stop living. it's all we got. so stare through the glare, past the present, past the future, past the infinite, and into the now. the now. just the now. right here, right now. never again. always forever. the now. this moment. it's all we got.

abyss

blank black wall. it's all that i see. the black blank canvas. just a glossy, wide-eyed stare. nothing in it but empty space. black and blank. inverted supernova. blank and black. it works like a black hole siphoning up all intangible thought. spewing it out again in an unseen universe. transverse universe. transition to inverse and disperse. black empty void. no one ever knows until they're told. the wreaths hanging from doors and the lights twinkling through the gentle fog are nothing but black on a blank wall. the frost in the air is the gloss on the wall. my confusion is the finishing touch on the piece. just a blank, black canvas. void. empty. abysmal.

free write to get you to write free

You’re sitting at your desk but I’m standing behind the chipped paint on your walls
Behind the sticky post it notes that remind you to return those books you picked up and what albums you’ve been meaning to cop at the record store
I’m soaked in that green tea that’s cold now that you drank to calm those nerves rushing through your system
And I ooze through those achy fists that you squeeze to alleviate the pain of writing too damn hard
I’m at the top right corner of the room that you stare up at when you’re thinking of what to say
And resting in the curl of your brow when you’re deep in thought
I embrace you internally
And I leave you with a smile that’s so perfectly perplexed
Who am I?
I’m your sense of creativity
Your artistic serendipity
Positively provocative
I provoke mental notes
I have no sense of time, so time can’t tell when I’ll come by next but if you sit quietly enough you’ll sense that I’m already there
ready and set to burst out at the first signal of final absolute release.
But can I just take the time to tell you
That You are the Positive Motivating force within My life
You appreciate me?
Man I appreciate you!
You are the tool to my revolution
The voice to this muse
My juice is squeezed from the Freshest fruit
from the tree of life so I’m good for you
I inspire you to keep movin’ from soul II soul
So I can spread the word of what’s deep inside yours
I am that mutagenic gene that influences you to generate into that intellectual virus
ready to aesthetically infiltrate and infect an entire population not yet equipped to find a cure
Yet together we heal the world
You don’t know it, but I study the phrenology of your brain
Trying to gain the best free knowledge of how to get to you
Your Sensations heighten as I grip from your fingertips your pen
It’s my mind, your hand
Is my heart (you're dope golda, if you're reading this)
And the hardest part is always the start
But once you know you have me,
There’s no point in letting go because its up to me to let you be
So free yourself from those writers blocks,
the times you waste your time thinking you think too hard
I’m sending you subliminal messages all around the room
Throughout your day I was shouting out from those dog eared pages you marked that inspired you
From those three random bolded words in that magazine that just popped out at you
I spoke to you while you were speaking to that long lost friend you ran into on the street choppin it up into those 7 minute long conversations that update and uplift you
And I made you run for cover from that vicious ass bomb left on that wall you passed as you were biking
I sparked that twinkle in your eye as that fly girl got on the same bus ride and made you just wanna write down a long list of adjectives to describe how damn beautiful the day got after she coincidentally sat next to you
I am your butterflies
I am your third eye
I’m what keeps you awake with those life theories thought processes late at night
So don’t fight
Embrace, indulge, inhale me
Any thoughts reflections releasing inhibitions it’s poetry
So seek poetic justice
And inform me
And inform the rest of the world
What wonder wanders in your mind lately

Counting sheep while making beats

i feel a certain unrest when trying to rest myself,
staying up too late isnt good for my health,
trying to unwind these binds that hold me down,
a certain sorrow of no sleep trying to count sheep,
my exterior feels the coldness of the room,
sleeping pills i wanna consume before i see the full moon,
before i turn into something im not then be forgotten,
as i close my eyes i hear my heartbeat skip a beat,
my dreams i want to meet and greet so i can speak,
of what i want THEM to do for me,
to take me away from this reality full of vanity.

as i proceed to dream of being sucessful with green,
i am whisked away to a dream of another day,
where im not rich and not everything goes without a hitch
even though its not the perfect existence,
a future without a blueprint where you can leave your fingerprint,
is the perfect excuse to live with persistence,
then a voice in my head has some words of wisdom to shed,
dont forget or regret what made you choose your lifes template,
you are the architect of your building so build it with feeling,
you are the CEO of that company so start making money,
you are who you are so dont feel that you are bizarre.

you have the support of all your loyal cohorts,
ready and waiting but never tainting,
making a painting thats never fading,
helping you out to make you shout,
out loud thats its who you are that makes you proud,
and its with them you share the kick and the snare,
which makes a beat that makes everyone stand on their feet,
which make everyone applause and put you life on pause,
was all of this my cause?
but dont smear the faces of the ones that helped bring you here
you take each others plight with all your might,
because you all share the same life under one light.

now my minds at ease because my wants have been pleased,
i can now let go and make my own flow,
i go into a deep sleep and find inner peace...

"exhale when stars appear."

i've taken a break from writing
but obviously i'm taking a tiny break from that..
i couldn't sleep and i felt like writing something

note: it's 4:26 a.m.

- - - - - - - - -

a coincidence...
inhale the cool air of a summer midnight.
standing in the middle of the plaza by the pier,
it was either fight or flight.
i let the emotions run dry,
a faucet empty and not willing to spare a drop.
a simple exchange was interpreted as betrayal,
so i walked away.
you stepped in front.
i stopped...
a bench appeared and i stir clear of the glares to sit there.
just simply glancing into the bay,
only wondering what you cared.
the bridge lights vividly ran astray,
and when i opened my mouth to speak,
the stare from you became too cliche.
the words danced a blur
i stood up to tell you straight
so when i lined them up phrase by phrase in my head,
my sight faded black, my body stripped of its strength,
i fell awake in bed.
i grew irritated of seeing my interpretations be embellished into another reality
but i laid more frustrated to the fact that i couldn't dream it back.
what could i have said?
what did she have to say?
all because of stupid cell phone alarm.
exhale on the cool breeze of a summer midnight.

I want to tell you (addition)

I can feel you holding my hand tight, interlaced as if you double knotted your fingers with mine twice, locked in so deep that not even ice could penetrate the heat, which our two hands make, it’s like together we’re making an earthquake, and when we walk the earth, the earth quakes because of the great love we have is just so GREAT…
I want to tell you that even though that maybe one day we might be ½ a day apart I can only say my ½ beating heart, will still beat in the same rhythm as yours.
That I’ll wait until your ½ comes back to mine, then we’ll be one again and we’ll be just fine, but I know that it’ll take some time, and I’m willing to wait. You know that I’ll wait. Until you make- that choice I’ll just sit and contemplate, about the good times that we’ve had, and the good times we’ll have.

nonsense

its not everyday i feel like this--
a sudden rush of inspiration
coupled with contentment
a good amount of happiness on top
with oodles of love on the side
can you understand me?
i don’t understand me..
--yet everything makes perfect sense

coldness [write]

Stone cold…
No more feeling inside this body of mine
Only the feeling of numbness and emptiness deep inside
Thoughts…But no emotions run through my mind
And All I seem to feel is pain

Every now and then I catch a glimpse of happiness
Happiness caused by laughter but is lost within a split second
A quick rare moment in time

When people look at me
All they see is a front
Fake smiles, fake thoughts. Lies made to myself
A front created by me in order to escape any questions
Reaching a new level of schizophrenia

The real, expressive, innocent version of me is trapped inside
Deep down hidden under numerous locks and mazes
Trying to find a way out but unable to due to fear of rejection
The minute I begin to let him come out and reveal himself
Others come to me with their issues
And I sacrifice myself to help them
I feel for others yet not for myself

Not trying to be selfish, but I hate this feeling deep inside
This feeling of pain at the pit of my stomach.
And the feeling of a loss of breath and staggered step
Heart pounding, beating loudly, yet there is no reason to it.
No reason I can find, searching my heart mind and soul
There are some that try to get inside
Those that feel and relate to me
The select few that know how I really am. Or think they do.
In reality. There is none who knows me
It’s impossible for others to know me if I don’t know myself.

[freewrite piece]

Real talk.
I think that life throws you obstacles that you need to get through
And it’s up to you to get through the right way or slip by the wrong way
And everything that happens has a cause and effect.
Like an effect that's direct. Or even indirect.
Every influence that passes by. Changes us.
Whether it pushes us to that influence.
Or against it.
It’s a rather philosophical outlook on life
Which requires time and understanding.
Which requires? An open mind... So we can all understand where were

Some people change. Others don't.
Well actually I take that back cause.
Everyone changes in one way or another.
You just may not realize it.
Till it’s too late?
Or no. Maybe you realize it and you want to change
A change for the better.
A change for the worse
Confronted with so many choices were lost in a revolving curse
One that appears and disappears over and over again
With problems that occur and reoccur and reoccur once again.

Some people don't realize it. Cause they may be shadowed.
Shit I was shadowed too. Till someone shined the light in my eyes.
I was just a shadow following others. Who followed others.
Who was probably following another
Thus following a chain of others that ended up being a chain where we
follow the wrong one.
But what dictates the wrong chain from the right chain.
Cause there's those with the positive effect on people
And those with a negative effect.
And how do we know which were in and in time redirect and go the
Different effect.
The one were meant to go to.
The positive and negative blend together like a battery.
Both feeding of each others charge.
Taking or giving. Or just passing through.
There's a change that takes place.
And it makes us wonder whose place to take
And how it makes us what we are
There's usually that one person that affects us and make a change for
The better.
Or maybe two. Three people. A community of neighbor’s friends. Family.
A support group of people that's always there to positively charge us
When were down
And to make sure negativity stays away.

But back to the changes.
The changes we make to ourselves and the way we carry and make
Ourselves flow affects others.
Though you may not realize
Under those childly faces
Teenage acting and criticizing disguises.
A positive attitude affects the whole community.
And I don't only mean a community.
As in your area or your hood
I mean the community of people around you whether they support or
Neglect.
There's that effect.

Each person you come in contact with shapes who you are
They can leave you happy or can leave you with a scar.
But that still has an effect.
And it’s all in your head how you want to perceive that effect.
Whether you wanna go their way. Or your way.
Its all choices that you've got to make.
Whether you want to be that positive or negative effect on yourself
Or others.
We gotta realize who we are ourselves
And look in the inner workings of our own...inner subconscious
Cause under that front. That fakes.
That wanna be person you have when you’re out on a date.
Or that wanna be person you just gotta take...everywhere you go
With that kinda life. Where do you find time for yourself?
Slowly and slowly you have a split personality. A front.
Till the end your stick with anew persona.
Losing the good in your true self
The one you were born with.
Remember as a kid. An innocent child.
The unchanged personality. Where the most change in persona you had was
What your favorite cartoon character was.
But it’s all changed. Cause of cause and effect
Everything’s a cause and our society is the effect.

Look in the mirror and tell me deep down if you like what you see
Cause to be real. I don't approve of what i see
It seems we all put up a front or try to compensate for things that
Don’t really matter.
And it’s not bad to compensate. But when compensation gets to that
Level of determination
And it becomes competition to be the best
To impress yourselves and others by all means necessary
To make something of yourselves and show them you’re something with worth
That you worn born with a greater purpose. And not just an accident
That
Happen to get birthed.
Nature vs. nurture. The all time debate.
Are we born this way or does the society and those around us affect us.

It’s a mixture of both. But mostly nurture.
Cause of once again it’s the effect of others on us.
And we gotta learn to trust.
Cause what's a society and relationship without trust.
More like disgust. But this is the sad strange reality most have come
To
Be
Looking out for number 1
Ourselves. When we should put ourselves last and put others in front
But I guess that's the way the plus and negative charge works...a
Continuous revolving circle.
And it all depends what you make yourself become
Free or chained in that revolving circle we’ve come to call home.

merely

[freewrite]

it was so small
i wouldn't have noticed it had he not said a word

...but that was just it - a mere word or two...
and i could feel the fire ignite burning inside his chest
i swear i watched it heaving with emotions that knew no language
i watched each individual spark fly from twilight to sky high
proving to me the limitless sky existed
i saw his eyes light up - opened for the first time
glowing on each vision they had caught
i saw the sky brighter - the moon prove the night wrong
illuminating past every shadow of darkness

and he made me feel like i had never seen anything before
...until then.

i was so inspired
to see him inspired.

[thanks vj!]

I Crossed.

i crossed my fingers hoping to make this right,
and stayed up all night 2 get this sh$t tight.
i crossed my arms waiting for the chance,
the opportunity to come closer, advance.
enhanced by your possibility,
i'd chance one loss for one finity,
then to infinitely regret a shot of our own affinity.

i crossed an ocean of dreams to get to you
so to just for 1nce not wake up sad and blue.
i crossed an ocean of storms, snow and hail
to warm up next to you; there were no options to fail.
i crossed an ocean of tears so i'd smile the happiest smile, so true;

i crossed an ocean of words and finally i found you.

barrage! (3 in 1)

the shadows form constellations of light that dance for hours along the uneven surfaces of the cement walkways. the breezeway funnels in cool air to both shelter and expose us to the elements of nature. as the ferns reach in every direction to find the sun, i sit here mesmerized by my lack of motivation towards all walks of life. i sit here and claw my brain until it bleeds the words i must force to drop onto these blank canvases. if you constantly have to force something, is it ever really worth it? if i must decide between monotony and exuberance, i'd go for monotony, but i'd disguise it in exuberance to fool the blood-thirsty fiends who feed on the uninspired minds of youth.


walking these streets with only my jangling keys while the late night air nips at my fingers is the only escape from the confines of my cave of white snow. i walk for hours with no destinations, end up in the same old places. the major part of this city is so sad now, nothing but drunk businessmen and transient men snoring while shaking gently in a bus stop. the smell of marijuana wafts across me every time i walk past a house with a dull blue aura in the window. the art in this city is ridiculously repetitive with the same six figures painted on every corner and the numerous unpracticed and illegible scrawls on the walls. paint covers the paint until more paint covers that paint and so on. this slow, quiet little city is the one in which i was raised. i am forced to feel love for the place when all i really want to do is escape...


awaken rudely, in an enjoyable way. the dull light shines through the window's shades. the sounds of breathing and rain trickling fill my world. the gently throbbing light from the computer on the desk lights up the roof every three seconds. stomach empty, eyes full, mind vacant, heart sore. the warmth in the sheets and comfort in the dreamstate uplift the thoughts to the ceiling, but they cannot escape any higher than that. no dreamy ideas for the heavens this morning, just the taste of stale breath like cigarettes and the soft sound of the rain on newly fallen leaves.

sometimes you just gotta let go...

I know my everyday is riddled with dismay,
Knowing full well the horrors on display,
In my own mind I'm subject to negative thinking,
I need to face my fears without blinking.

Dreams that fade as i stay awake,
Insomnia is what keeps me up late,
Stars i wish i could reach out and take,
To start a new life with a clean slate.

But its undeniable I love life right now,
Regardless of the when where and how,
No matter the numerous hardships and strife,
Unhindered by all because this is my life.

Truth be told I'll be on my hands and knees,
Succumbed to the burdens that won't set me free,
Struggling to atone for this world's madness,
Tainted by the many scenes of unhappiness.

Why are so many hard-pressed to be depressed?
Having sins in their hearts not yet confessed,
Afraid that if revealed their reputation ruined,
Being sucked up by the black hole within.

But honesty is well worth its weight in gold,
When the burdens on your shoulders are reduced ten-fold,
Knowing everything on you chest has been released,
Being yourself works wonders and it'll never cease.

I don't wanna live my life living on regrets,
I wanna accompany my life to its best yet,
To see truths told in the darkness of my soul,
To be able to let go...

wtf i got a paper due at 10

My family always told me that blood is thicker than water
And looking down at the bloody scrape on my knee, or the fatty bruise on my elbow, or the scratch and bite mark on my cheek,
it didn't yet make sense to me.
All I knew was that me and my brother rough housed too much,
and HE should be the one to get the belt, or the hanger,
or my personal most feared: slap on the hand by my dad's unsurmountable heavy hitting palm...
like a high-five gone terribly wrong
But those heavy hands made an indellible mark not just on the top of my hands,
but the frontside of my morality,
the backside of my dignity,
the insides of my soul-to-be
because after every hit, those words were always repeated: blood is thicker than water.
Yea, water flows, it promotes growth,
It is the sign, the key to life.
But blood... blood seeps through your bones
and it flows through interstitial crevices only the most familiar know,
and it's the connection that makes that neverending circulation around your heavy beating heart.
that same heart that grows not from water,
but from the days your mom held you close to hers when you were scared that those butterflies in the backyard might sting you,
or the times your grandma used to pray the rosary outside preschool class just to let you know that she was still there and didn't leave you...
or those nights your dad would carry you AND your brother from the car into the house after those late night fam party sessions,
or the time your brother gave you a piggy back ride all the way home b/c your slipper broke when you were running from that mad old lady hella heated cuz you were playing on her lawn.
See, blood flows from every outlet of the people who made you, take you
for what you are, and what you've become,
and are proud... for the mere fact that you're their daugher, sister, niece, cuuz, grandaughter...
and this Fuels you.
it IS what gives you life.
it IS the key to infinity
where you drop down on your knees and pray that when thy kingdom come,
they'll be there too.
Because water is clear and comprehensible, understood by all of humankind.
But blood rushes deep from the hearts that will always understand YOU.

short & sweet --random

you're that fresh air i need
the promise i'd never break
the comfort i seek
the hand i want to hold

truth

scatterbrain beat hits the cerebrals of the crescent moon and splashes the crash every other pentameter. with the crowing of the brass rooster in the horizon above the eastern sunrise. the mountains spiral up in chords of dioxyribose while the nucleotides of acidic reflux of my father's astigmatismic sight; genetic pool's rich in flaws. volcanic eruptions carry the music notes and the baritone of the homeless man's narcoleptic tourette's voice. lost in the blurred vision of the icy roadway next to the skilift when his eyelids open to see hers staring back into his. a comfort so deep that he can't breathe in his sleep. the cortex of the hurricane system forecasts the retreat for shelter in the skull of a rabbit; hollowed. hallowed be the hollowed hallway leading all the way to the radioactive fallaway. the fallout is white as snow and crisp as glass shards spewed from the windshield of my car at eighty-three miles an hour. of course i'm dreaming, silly, is anything ever truth with me?

flourescent/red/tired/recklessly

Driving northbound on the 101...
A flourescent red sign read to me in bright bold letters: Stay Alive
As tired as I was, suddenly my eyes woke up and glanced a little harder
Taking it as more than just a sign, I thought of why these words chose me to read them
My eyebrows curled, my mind watered as my thoughts began marinating in its own creative juices.
Questions begain invading the corners of my brain:
Have i lost life lately, or has life lost me?
Stay Alive
Have I just been recklessly going thru the motions and not really taking it all in for what its realy worth?
Stay alive
Have i let lessons pass me w/o learning them yet?
stay alive
Am I aware that this life was made specific tailored to the unique sillhouette of my soul so much to forget that deep down i'm the only one who can truly evoke change in myself?
Stay Alive
Hella quiet, it was silent
My brother who was in the car with me probably thought i fell asleep...
Shit life had probably thought that too
And exhaling, I sat back glad
that this sign caught my eye because at that moment in time
I stopped time stopped,
but i stayed alive despite this contemplative infection hitting me
this reflection through poetry
this symbolism that maybe this pisces read too deep...?
but fuck it, this message wasn't gonna pass me
and its not gonna pass you either because
the world is just too infinite and unknown to let you think that it revolves around your own gravitational pull
so humble yourself in your place of miniscule time and matter relative to the universe's history
physics can't physically explain why we're all here naturally anyway.
Just take these parallel coincidental interactions as
signs to provoke action in your life each day
Got something to say? Say it. Got ideas to share? Own it. Got a chance to love? Risk it.
embrace Existence
Life live
stay alive

save these words.

I write
to speak of the only truth I know
Of these realities I’ve lived
with every ounce of dignity in me
i write for this truth and heartache calmed
for peace resurfaced
i write because i must
for this burning inside me needs a release
as it constantly aches in search for peace

so allow me a sound to penetrate the danger found in silence
to end the slavery of a quieted tongue
in essence this is what we were born to do
speak past assumptions
to understand understatements
to rise above robotic means
a habit to be broken
a will for better days
to be stronger and so much more alive
to awaken our generation
as we refuse to lose them to the dust

but instead we are the hope
We are the lights at the end of the tunnel
we are the break through of the century
a beauty untold so beautiful as it unfolds
we are no longer dreamers
we are unlocked dreams
a future on the brink and a change within grasp

so I tell you now, child
if you should ever stumble --
know i will guide your steps back to strength
and weariness shall never dare to touch you again
we are the hands that touch our time of struggles
as we claim our victories
clicking and ticking past the seconds
that take us moments closer to the final goal

i will change the world for you
pave the yellow brick road with my own tired arms
calloused fingers and bruised with determination
to my unborn children -
this is my promise to you - a future brighter.
so save these words so you can remember...
how i have always loved you child

i promise this world will be a better place for you
i pledge my life to protect you
that when you open your eyes for the first time
you will cry tears of amazement
to realize we have built these palaces for you
i have cried centuries before you knew tears
my tired eyes only weep so you don't have to
these strained fingers will hold your head up high

i promise i will save you

and so i tell you with all honesty and truth
there is no success worth reaching without pain first to overcome
your struggles mere opportunities to uncover your strength
and when you break through the walls they placed around you
shining light through the crack
that is how I will always remember you
my radiant light of hope shining through
this promise I’ve made - i will keep.
you are safe - i swear to it.

i promise i will save you

so when you bloom like a flower
from pages of ink to the stage
speak child...of all the beauty you were born from
of all the strength that battled all dangers
just so you could stand and raise your eyes to heaven
and know you were always safe
from the first moment you cried your eyes awake


and if this is all i have
save these words...and remember them
this is the only reason I write
i promised...i would save you.

city limits

sitting with a burning anticipation. ready to run for it. the thought had been lingering in her mind for some months now. some years. but more so in some days. the last visit to a city she will come to love so fondly, left her paralyzed and breathless in suspense of the life she could live. looking over the lights and imagining. reaching for the moon, and hoping to god when she falls she lands in the flesh of the city. walking through the streets, driving through the rapids of tourists and la locals. seeing the footprints of a life once had. treading dirt on the dreams she held on to for so long, along with the nightmares. brushing off the burning of the city. the burning of her infatuations. in life, in living, in love. turning each corner, hoping for a rainstorm. the fireworks, the sunset, the thunder; they had never left her thoughts. bringing her back to reality as the intestines of her bag spilled out onto the worn cement beneath her crooked feet. inbox full. brain full. stomach empty. life seemed empty, so close to her future, and so close to her past. the awkward life she lived, the suburban prison. she was ready to escape to new, more exciting opportunities, and to fond, bittersweet memories. this agnostic young girl knew more about herself than expected. her heaven and hell lingered far too close to one another. "purgatory city limits". and to this day, each bite into the flesh of an innocent, crawling down her throat to rest in her stomach to jab and pinch later on, will still be influenced by the nostalgia of san francisco. she smoked lucky strike brand, with some marlboro and camel on the side, until they took them from her local liquor stores and gas stations. and now she settled for her side brands. but her lucky strikes never left her dreams. because killing the night with wine, walt disney, and peach flavored tobacco was somethin' else. because the beauty of the atmosphere was so apparent. because with him, "love was rainfall". and those words would haunt the corners of her mind for years. like a feared beast, waiting under her bed under piles of old notes and stuffed animals. lurking in her closet in old photo albums and tattered, stamped packages. waiting until everyone is asleep, creeping out of the wee hours of the morning to line her clouds with silver. the beast crawled from the pixels of her computer screen. reaching and groping at her throat and chest; more so her mind. thoughts set, ocular fixation, intoxication. and as the smell of oranges filled her room, the addiction swelled.. fuck i need a cigarette.

I just wanted to say that

I want to tell you how I wish I wasn't so shy that I could tell you that I love you.
I want to let you know that every day and every night someone's always been thinking of you.
That before I realized I loved you, I already have been loving you, just that I wasn't aware of myself loving you the way I love you, that I just fooled my mind that I didn't love you when in reality my actions screamed out that I love you.
That when I see your eyes and your eyes see mine, that split moment in time it feels so divine ,that one thought in my mind is that, I would commitcrimes just so I could call you mine.
Crime in the name of love, loving in the name of love, because two doesn'tequal two it equals one, and one is that one whole that this half of me wants to become.
I want to tell you every time I see you step into a room my heart skips a beat,
Cause this half of a heart of mine for a few moments have just been complete
I want to tell you that every time you leave me I'll be dying on the inside.
For every moment in time that your not here, I just don't feel alive.
I want to tell you that when you fall asleep next to me I can't help but be so glad, that you've trusted me enough to let down your guard down so you can relax.
I want to tell you that I catch myself staring at you, capturing every detail as much as I can. Because I know when you leave I'll only have mental images of you, and that's all I can have until the next time I see you.
Which is never soon enough and damn it's so tough.
Because even if wecould teleport faster than a blink of an eye, I'd still be missing you for those nanoseconds of time.
I want to tell you that when I see you work hard it makes me want to work harder
That I would beg for love to make me it's martyr
That I would suffer for you that you would never be sad
Sad because of the bad times you've had in the past.
If only I had the eraser of the past- I'd erase your past,
and let you only remember all the good times you've ever had.
I want to tell you that even though I haven't even known you that long, I can't get you out of my mind and sometimes I have to rewind and think tomyself where did the time go
Why did I not see my love for you before…every time you said hello
I just wanted to tell you that it took me this whole poem to tell you… I love you.

foreplay.

you act to tug at heart strings
making yr audience embrace
every emotion effortlessly exuded
from yr being.
and they catch it.
like a sickness it envelopes them.
makes them weak
breaks them down
and yr thanked for it.

after the curtain call
when the curtain falls
you sigh tired
ready for change.

i swear
this role isn't meant to be familiar
but you play it so well
and well, my sincerest apologies.

I just woke up, and it's not fair

Tonight in my dream,
I was helping you create a resume
I was sharing with you all your positive traits
And things that would make you irresistible to others
You were all the things I said
You were every good adjective in my head
You are creativity in motion
You are innocence without the guilt
You bring calm to sea of commotion
In a suburban of pollution, you're a breath of fresh air...


I just woke up, and this is not fair...


These dreams are not for me to have
Becase I know you're not for me
You reappeared for a brief moment in my life
Now you're gone
But you're still around
Every night I clinch my pillow
And I pray for happy dreams
And I get them
But the ones I get are for another person to dream
This is not fair
Usually I pray for strength to get me through the day
To help me reach my bed and lay in peace..

But now my bed is no longer a place of ease
For I pray that I get through the night
Hoping to not dream of you
Because even though these dreams I have are sweet
They are not for me
I pray that I can go a night
dreaming of dragons, black and white scenes, and fairy tales
The things I dreamt of that usually didn't make any sense
Even though you make perfect sense
I can't have you in my dreams
I pray that maybe for just one night you didn't exist
But its not fair
Because I just woke up, and in my dreams, you were there
I know that this will subside
But I'm sure that if you reappear
It will all come back again

I hope that when I fall back to sleep
I will dream of something that doesn't make sense
Rather than you
Something thats made sense for a long time

her bangs.

freewriteeee

she had one too many streaks of worry
wrapped in the strands of her hair
she pulled it back in a tight ponytail
tied it away in avoidance
hoping they wouldn't notice her weaknesses
if they were flowing freely above her shoulders
tightened with discouraged shrugs
of all she tried to ignore...
she had her bangs long -- like a shield
draped them over her face
so they could cover her eyes
from all the visions that pained her

her mother pushed her hair out of her face
and told her, "you are so beautiful
don't hide your face behind your hair..."
she stroked her cheek and pushed her bangs aside

the bright lights hit her eyes too quickly
she couldn't help but squint
the world was too ugly to take in
everytime she opened her eyes wide
she saw little girls being kidnapped
and raped and abused
men beating their wives
people in poverty and homelessness
soldiers dying for no cause
governments justifying genocide
and she couldn't help but wish she could
just change the world
steal their pain away
heal their illnesses
because she couldn't stand to see it

as her mother again forced her to witness
the world and all its cruelties
with one stroke of her hand to her hair
like opening a veil to a stage of all her fears
she began to cry
her cheeks wet with hopelessness
knowing she couldn't cry for them
and release their anxieties through her tears
knowing she couldn't heal their pain
and make it all feel better
knowing she couldn't promise happiness
she couldn't do anything
she wanted to change the world...

but her mother, seeing her tears,
reminded her
"daughter...this world is cruel
unjust it may seem
but for all sadness there is hope for a smile
a need to twist your mouth first before it brightens
do not look down to the ground
of those sitting in the midst of pain
of those crying their days away
eyes lowered to miss the rest of what is truly there
but raise your eyes to the sky
and remember
...we do not look down to be pained
to witness all that troubles us
all that we cannot change
all that we may not be able to understand
but we look up
to heaven
with faith
and believe..."

she looked up
to realize the sun could dry her tears away
...as she brushed her bangs aside.

Filipino Dream.

I Pledge Allegiance
to truth
to the United States of
the Philippines
And to the Republic
that sends its own people to debt and other nations to death
One Nation
Under Jesus Christ
Indivisible,
With Liberty and Justice for All.

For all,
With liberty + Justice For All.

I'm not pledging to a falsified flag
but to a state of identity that is bonafide, sad
The AMERICAN DREAM isn't in plain text
like those black and white Mark Ecko crewnecks
It Isn't about
staying silent in the face of oppression
+ guessing when you should alrady know your ancestors' lessons
The 'American Dream'?,
poses irrelevant schemes
on the hunt to kill an honest person's dreams

we've grown MUCH too accustomed to
European history + Majority history that
my own personal + Filipino history
has appeared to my eyes faceless like an unfinished mannequin,
clouded in mystery
So brainwashed in history that i've forgotten about her story
so now it's my turn to shed tears for my motherland
tears drop to the oceans distancing me from my people lacking an upper hand

I SEE
my Lola slipping $20 bills into my pocket,
myself fronting like I know my own native tongue but
I don't got it

I SMELL + TASTE
my mother cooking synagong slowly on a sunday morning from scraps and,
delicious lumpia patiently wrapped and,
i can taste the refreshingly cold halo-halo my Lola taught my Nanai how to make during excessively hot summers,
when room temperature tap water and nonexistent ice cubes were a real bummer

I FEEL
my father's frustrations
working 7 days a week, the utmost patience
putting out maximum effort for barely the minimum wage
i feel his rage, like a gorilla locked inside of a small cage

I HEAR
my Filipino Anthem
" Alab ng puso,
Sa dibdib mo'y buhay"
brilliantly harmonic voices and narratives spoken
from the veteranos that go through their post-traumatic stress on the daily

it's the Essence
of my ancestors blessings
whispering lessons
in dialects unknown, leaving me in question
whether it was meant to be because without the mystery,
i wouldn't be questing
cycle never ending, i need to find out for me
what it means to deserve this filipino identity
from this ground i stand on to the future stages that i'll stand on
i'll stand strong with my heritage for future generations to hand on.

Gone Fishing Game

Here's one of several games created for a children's night event. My sis and a I made this one. Used blue paint for the background, loads of markers, construction paper, cardboard, white out for the bubbles and such. Can't forget the lights which gave the games the carnival touch. The night was a blast and i tried to keep track of how many smiles i saw but i lost count at around 50 or so.

she...

you ly covered between hidden legacies of history
laced into every single breath taken
by any person who can come to self realiztion
that you are not our burden
i bear witness to anyone who dare confronts this opression
because its gone too far for too long
i cant keep this tradition
from lingering into your mind set
so i accuse you for not knowing yet
that our queens ly dormant
under decades of discrimination
and segregation...but we must be reminded
that they once ruled our lands or i mean Hearts
as they still do in mine
this is an ode to my queens from all countries
and i will risk it all just for your story to be told

i will raise my voice and lift spirits
sing your songs so your people
will know every word
because no one has the right
to denegrate the eloquence you speak
and ive seen so many voices pushed down
because of sisters who dont believe
that they have a choice
so heres your chance
QUEENS! let your hearts Fucken SING!
because thats all you need
to overcome this disease and be free

and your so much better than you think
cuz ive seen so many eyes stare you
up and down your figure...it doesnt matter
they should keep their eyes on yours
because if they really knew you
then they would realize you have so much
to offer beyond premium jeans and face-covers

and i hate when i see that they dont treat you right
id be so grateful that i have a queen with her culture
embedded into her sleeves, her beauty draped in her voice
and her dignitiy hung around her neck
because it was within her embrace that I exist
and when she speaks
silence becomes jealous from the beauty her voice sings
and no, youve never seen what really burns
until youve learned that our queens were burned
deeply rooted nightmares echoe through their minds
so dont say you could relate
because you dont fit Her shoes...

and i pray every night that we become
one step closer to your emancipation
i know youve been through too much
but i know my vision
you are pure PASSION
so I PASS ON my inspiration
to those who want to know that our women
are the true blessings given by gods grace from heaven

and i hope my women have enough will
to portray themselves as queens
wear their golden pendants in their chests proudly
walk down the streets without doubting
reach their goals struggling
and smile without anyone else smiling

cuz queens are implemented into culture
where her beauty is beyond what anyone could define
the finest beauty our Culture, she defined...
so stand tall
so i can ONLY look up to you
and hope someday my daughter could have
someone to look up to too.

so queens i stand up for you through it all
let your story unfold for everyone to hear
and just hope, hope that you will
be loved unconditionally.

of course...

i found you
in the middle of an escapade
in the middle of a journey
on a one way track
to where i thought i wanted to be

thanks a whole lot for throwing me off course
of course...

because you pushed me back
to where i made mistakes
and made me relearn it all the right way
of course...of course

i'll never forget that smile
that made me addicted to your essence
your presence sucked me in and held me close
you exhaled me slowly
and left me stranded in the midst of my addiction
still waiting with open arms waiting for my next dose

but you were nowhere to be found
you were all around
you were unfocused
i couldn't blink past the tears
to find you clouding my visual
my scene was raining of you
and i couldn't get anything to contain you

i cried longer and i missed you more
i can't imagine what it would be like if i ever saw you again
maybe this is what's best for me
to be lost in missing you
to be lost in memories of kissing you
because any reality close to anything more of you
would only cause me more insanity

i have realized the powerless words that fall from my lips
they used to be so strong so confident in speech
and now you twisted me and i can't breathe
i miss the words that used to make sense
make me hold your hand
they used to make reason
make me feel you

and i'm all out of reason
i have no sense
memories of days passing through me
i can't see the light of tomorrow
if you're my sun that doesn't shine
i miss you

so with only nonsense in my pocket
and less reasoning holding my stitches in place
i walk forward knowing you won't be next to me
for every new tomorrow
i hold my own hands to keep them warm
and i feel hardly touched at all

now that heaven took you away
i feel the coldest breezes of your presence
as the warmest memories of you flood my nostalgia
because every time my reality regains its peace
i am thrown off course by this agonizing pain
caused by the missing pieces of my heart you stole
but it is the only way missing you fits
of course...

ceasefire

It’s silent because spoken words outside imply
Confirmation of the broken words I feel inside
Bullets pass my side swarming across my face
I’m hiding, too afraid to use my most powerful gun, my tongue that God has armed me with,
It’s a civil warfare intruding my whole system and I’m having difficulty retaliating
It’s Humiliating, I’m dazed, wounded, and confused of it
I unload my ammunition and head for safety, and i set my captives free
Just for one day I let this prisoner of war smell the fresh air around me
Amongst this dark cloud of fire where I can’t see
I found the fresh air I fiended encompassing me
And I’m lifted, feeling different, uplifted higher, heaven is my new atmosphere
Not necessarily fear but lack of familiarity
And I wonder if this is a dream
At a ceasefire, but not quite at peace.

Afterwords.

Afterwards, we speak other ways after words.
Eyes echo my soul's disposition,
body lang conveys more than your gaudy slang
your attire interludes a situational mood
inspiring me to make a move
inquiring me to come to you.
winks from your eyelashes
got me stuck like dry molasses,
after words,
things can either get rambunctious or redundant
collected or creative
powerful or pointless
leave billionaires coinless
the blind maybe just fine
or insanely out of their mind,
after words,
single actions instill military factions to march towards victory and death
silent rebellions spark nationwide attention and turnaround for bus passengers,
graffiti activists, helping hands and melting pot lands,
smiles, laughter, pleasure and additional chatter,
after words,
something is learned, what's always lost is time,
decisions decided or dangerous deals declined,
connections combine to create harmony in mind,
i could be yours and yourself mine,
after words??...
something special surfaces,
afterwards,
after words.

mass appeal

something like a movie
there's something about a female
all walks of life walk to retail
button downs, hearts detailed on sleeves
screaming the "type love" Shihan speaks
or fuck love and fuck hard like superfreaks.
anything to get noticed, but
two-stepping to draw attention
only draws blank expressions
from the unique mystique in question

lesson learned: step yr game up

cause the kool aid is sweet
and i'm not denying sip sipping
but sipping like a sap don't aid my cool
it's cool that this dime has a dozen dime a dozens
but the correct change just threw up the deuce

an unlit room

instrumental pumping the darkness creating something more vibrant than the red number flashing on the glare of my lenses. the bassline bumping harder than my cell phone's vib tone. the only light in the room is the laptop aura haunting the southwest corner. a boy nods his head to the bump and rhythm of the notes as they hit higher than his hopes. the scent of the incense closes his eyes for him as he drifts in and out of dreamstate existence. existing only in the dreamstate causes the hunger rumbling in his empty stomach to drift from his mind. change it up. the new vibe is a slow song. dreamy and soft. he can move smooth and think slow, the fingers speed lessens and the snare shakes slightly. it's a celebration. a celebration of words and drums and sirens and guns and the bite of the air hints that winter is near. the sounds of trucks on the street disrupt the calm quiet of the empty, soul-less room. just a blanket on the ground and a pillow against a wall. where shared touch sparks the idea of love. but now there is none to hold and none to rush. wistful and folky a girl chimes in, singing soft, lulling even softer. the only thing keeping him awake is the soymilk on his left. comfort in the discomfort. suddenly a freestyle over a sloppy drumkit slowly pop and splash. immaturity revealed through the childlike rhymes tossed out from his pierced tongue. awakened by the sudden change of mood he steps the volume up a notch and awaits the coming company to accompany him in the dull evening...

Change.. Can You See it?

Change doesn't require DNA strands to be broken
For its from within the soul, which has no genetic code
Yourself only knows the required entry
And only you the catalyst to make it expedient
Not only will it be difficult, but challenging
For you know not the consequences;
Others will take notice first

Change is what being dynamic is
Is what makes us better than before
Accepting that maybe the old you has expired
The new-self must be brought forth
Old ways must be retired
Embracing dignity and honoring the being thats passed
The funeral of one that has fulfilled their purpose
New ways of acknowledging the old

Change is going to be painful
Because your peers were just getting used to you
You knew this day would come
Are you ready to make the jump?
Bored and stagnant were the old's adjectives
Waiting for the next opportunity to push you
For you come to realize its you you're waiting for
Evolution can only occur if the environment requires it

Change is good
Because it puts away the faults of the past
You know that change is going to come
Know that it will hurt now, but be oh so good later
It's never too late to change
Time to execute your plan, if you need to... do it

Untitled

don'tdisregardmedon'tmistakemedon'tunderestimatemedon'tdenyme

don't accuse me, don't doubt me, don't oblige me, don't accuse me..

don't hurt me

mislead me

forget me

Don't assume the limits of my capabilities.

Life is ticking

Tick tock, the clock keeps ticking
so you better get on your feet and start kicking
before you lose everything and start trippin
You've been trying to find someone special in your life
someone that's perfectly unperfect, like a potential wife
You try to find this this called happiness in this cruel universe
but you never find it..... it's like you got a curse
Growing up you've thought happiness was this thing called love
Little did you know that happiness was more than just love
All your life you've just been trying to find something that's fiction
In the end, you're left alone eating a hot pocket in the kitchen

You look at life and think about how much maturity grew in you
yea....you've step up a little bit in your game
but reality you're still the same
You think about what you've done wrong
Maybe it's all the shit you've smoked out of that bong......nah that aint it
Maybe you're not good enough to be with that special someone.....nah
Maybe you're just not ready because you havn't grown up yet.........maybe

As you live your 22 years of life
you've been telling yourself "I should've done this! I should've done that!"
you've been asking yourself " what if i have done this? what if i have done that?"
but it's too late to take it all back
you ask questions like:
why did she break my heart? why am i all alone?
why havn't i live the life that i wanted?
why do we have to deal with tribulations and trials in life?
why do we have to experience pain and sorrows in life?
why is she so pretty from head to toe?
but why do we have to superman that hoe?
WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY?
SHIT!!! why does the seasons of friends have to be over
DAMN....... why do you always ask so many questions?

Couple of years ago you were just having fun
chilling and smoking out with your boys
having a blast and watching episodes of friends
The whole 10 seasons of friends have gone by
Then you buy the dvd and watch the whole 10 seasons again
but nothing have changed since then
You've watched the whole 10 seasons, watching ross and rachel being together
then break up, then get back together and went on a break, got a baby and you know the rest
The point is that you've watch these characters change and grow up
but you're still the same and nothings changed

Now you got to face reality
and you got to have that "I'm going to make it to the top" mentality
Cuz one day you'll be worth a million
All your life you've been trying to find something that you don't need
What you really need to be looking for is yourself.....happiness in yourself
you need to find your life.....
You've been wasting half of your life searching for something you're not going to have until you find your true self
You aint getting any younger
but you're not getting older.....
you're just getting better
You think it's too late for all that? you think it's too late to change your life?
.............look at the clock
Tick tock......the clock keeps ticking
You have plenty of time

L.S.D.

i hate the fact i cant tell you how i really feel
so i slighly laced my words with L.S.D.
a Love Stoned Drug
so when i speak i can hypnotize you
to the utopian dream
where we can both tell eachother what we need
i need you and you need me
dual consciences,
both feed the hunger to each other
intertwined at the spiral of our fingertips
truth drips down
so lift your fingers and take a taste
cuz damn...this drug is so potent
a form of injectin'
is through the needle from the records we be spinnin'

and no... this drug is not for sale
but i know, no one has ever made you feel
that way i make you feel

then it starts tantilizing your ear drums
stimulating your nerves
tickling your spine
and it makes you quiver
your toes start to tingle
your knees start to buckle
your hips start to roll
you feel my voice running inside your soul
as i soliloquize the recipe of this remedy
you are spellbound by.

then i extract my whole being
into this articulate potion
its potential is a privelage
i am honored to give to you
my warmth starts to embody you
as my words linger through your mind
you start sweating
your hard breathing
your vision is revolving
and you cant help but ask if your addicted...
so dont try to purge it
dont resist it
it feels like your getting pulled down
but your just to Soulful
cuz not even gravity can pull down your smile

And ive got you hooked
and you cant wait for the next hit
but be patient..
this elixer is not one to mass produce
the quality is precisly measured
beyond using the 4 letter word
its meaning exceeds anyting youve ever heard
so wait till its ripe
because itll be worthwhile
falling back into the intoxicated intense level
where the pupils of your eyes start to dilate
and you just want to let it all go and take flight
and when your skin starts to prespire
you aspire to tell me how this drug makes you feel
cuz there is no Drug Anonymous
its you telling me you want this
you dont want the fire to extinguish
because this burning sensation
feels to good beyond imagination

and this drug has no side effects
so dont be afraid of the long term effect
this product has been tested to get you lifted
past divine pleasures
so just reveal the heart of your treasure
and just say what you picture
for you and me
cuz definately this thing i call LSD
can be simply broken down
to set what you want free
so whenever your ready
ill be here waiting
for you to come back dowm from your heaven
so we can finally unite
hold eachother in the words we wrote
and listen...listen to one another
confess our true feelings.

letters.

i give up --
heart empty
and so tired of wondering
but i know now
i know better
i know how
to write letters --

dear sky
ask the wind to visit
and blow away my troubles
ask the sun to remember this life of mine
and illuminate my tired struggles
bring light to solutions
light to clarity

dear fingers
remember warmth
so that you can ease away the lonely frost in my chest
caress each weary muscle
strengthened instead by the heat of consolation
evaporate the rain falling from eyes

dear you
leave me be
another aching soul
still searching for my peace
still remembering time
as it slipped past my tripping foot
when i fell for you

dear me
learn to walk away
on feet that stay grounded
touching the pavement of newness
understanding that tomorrow
is simply a few steps away

...from my own dear happiness.

In response to"That the Protagonist is Always a Man" poem

That mothers are being sold
That Asian mothers are being sold
That Asian sisters are wanting to be sold
That everyone loves an Asian Girl

That exotic is the new black
That my computer spell-checks "exoticization"
That it's okay for outsourcing "her"

That Michelle Malkin may consider herself one of "us"
That she "feels ashamed of her parent's native homeland"
That she "fells ashamed of her people"
that she looks like "us"

That we justify our war in Iraq to save the women
That patriarchy is justified

That Maganda and Malakas still justify beauty and strength in genderized roles
That Maganda isn't lalake
That Malakas isn't babae

That white is gold, that pale is god, that dark is dirty

That the yahoo results for "asian bridge" still comes up with mail-order bride sites
That Asian sistas still believe that it's okay to sell yourselves
That sistas still sell themselves

That our government still allows our ovaries to be controlled by laws.
That our governor said, "girly man"
That our vagina's are being sown shut

That.

That is why I am a feminist.

Waiting

You promised you'd be here,
Now I'm scarred
For agreements I can no longer forebear
Neither accept
Except, when it's something I wait for
Something that I've saved for
Something held off for
Four hours have gone by
Since you said you would be here.
I ponder of an unknown hormone
that speeds our internal clock
The opposite of seratonin
That is only released by adrenal glands
When impatience kicks into overdrive
I need to drive, I need to get out of here
But I can't, because you said you'd be here
And I fear, and I hesitate
That maybe you did come, maybe you did make an attempt
Could it be that I became temporarily deaf?
Or was it that I just chose not to hear?
Here I sit, waiting for you to set my day free
Free to do what I must, and not be held prisoner to your arrival
I hate waiting, it's a heavy load I bring in my baggage
Everywhere I go, I carry it and try to manage

UPS, HURRY THE HELL UP!!! AND DELIVER MY FREAKIN PACKAGE!!!

*Find Your Dreams.

And i wonder
when i slumber
am i truly in need of this rest?
it's just that
Buddhists are getting silenced and people are seeing panic
24 hours a second, endless, human beings can't remain restless.
And i wonder if i could just
somehow gift someone that really needs this piece of peace,
I wish I could just
upload my rest for someone,
suffering in unrest
to download to their soul.

What does it mean to catch some Z's?
zero currency in my wallet currently?
zoning and stoning out of my mind,
maybe it really means i'm
zapping any chance of advancing from this landscape?

to find your dreams and my own
we've gotta stop dreaming asleep,
rather start dreaming awake to utilize all opportunity to better
my comrades + community.
Sleep a lot less, dream a little more,
Fall deep into my heart until I hit my heart floor,
End all time wasted and touch on time taken
To dethrone the demons in me committing acts forsaken
Open up my arms that love to stay crossed
Hug someone low on hope so their dreams can't get lost
Tell my mom I love her, dad and sisters the same
Dream constantly but don't sleep, that's my habit I want to change.

Purple And Gold

so this is how it turned out
being left cliff hanging
nails digging into the rough dirt
scattering on my wilted face
its the only thing keeping me brown
because my embarrassment speaks
too loudly through my red blushed cheeks
your memory ceases to remember a night
that meant something to me...

but i wish you could remember
i wish you could remember...

because developing in my mind
this rhetorical question does not quietly reside
it batters the boundaries of my own thought process
and the quest for my heart to rest
comes slowly through each test
i give to you, so you can PASS
the real answer to me

but i vividly hide each action in waves of corny jokes
and aggressive repulsion just to get a reaction
cuz man. im still so afraid to just tell you..
" hey girl, you make me feel like its my first day at school,
you know nervous to meet everyone
and to see whos the flyest girl
yeah you already know
this sappy sauced up letter
is the closest thing to a mixtape
i can give you!"

and its already mixed up
even if i could admit my confessions
to you it would feel like my first confession
in 2nd grade
i couldnt even do it face to face
but it doesnt matter
cuz you wouldnt remember anyway

you dont remember when you made me hold your hand?

you dont remember when you passionately held me
while i helped you stand?

Cuz when we fell asleep together
i left my face as close to yours
because that moment was just
to damn amazing to forget

and with each breath
it carried words into your ear
i let you know how i felt
because the tighter i held
the more you held me
i was your warmth
and you..you were just mine
and i wish you could remmeber that night

cuz everyday you dont know
that when i share my poems with you
i share pieces of my inner essence
my own secrets ly intertwined
with the words i use
to help inspire you
all i do is push for you
to create audios for your visuals
and damn, this notebook right here
is my Heart felt so exclusive secret
and i allowed you to write in it

and when you tell me
i have a sensitive side
you need to realize i do...I DO
because this right here is proof
these impulsive array of intimiate words
are put together
just to hope to hope
you could just remember...

cuz i wonder... i wonder
deliriously when we spend endless nights
do you feel the same way...
"i wonder if you know what it means. to find your dreams.."
in my fingertips cuz these hear
are just to motivate you
so please...
my heart is evidence of what we can transcend
beyound paint brushes and ink pens
remember that i am determined to disect and begin
to find what truly lies within
the walls of your head
And I do this all for you
cuz i put this together
so maybe just maybe
you could remember.....

To that girl.

i used to miss you.
i missed your kisses, phone calls,
cool calm collected conversation with me until 3:33 in the morning,
i missed seeing your face,
the way you used to look at me..
i missed missing you until the next time i could
say hello, and miss those butterflies
that drew love stoned aches following every uttered 'bye'.
i missed your lips, from the first time we kissed,
thinking to myself 'there's nothing that could ever top this'
if i had one wish, though, it would be
to erase these memories lingering with me
b/c recollecting over them has me going dizzy and weary
and every, single, time when i see you with him,
spurts of rejection and teardrops of depression set in
diseased with a love virus with no remedy to better me
they say that time heals everything
and i know that's some easy shit to say
but i'll swallow my nonsensibilities and keep on
because you hurt me,
worried me when you'd be off with this boy at the beach alone, hella parties when i had to go home;
i mean, shit;
you said I was your 'one and only'.
but obviously, you forgot
that lies + alibis will always be made apparent by truth's light from the darkness they're covered in,
robbed and destroyed of the pride and innocence that now has been smothered in
i guess i can say thanks to you for allowing me to experience this low
but forget you for allowing yourself to stoop to such a low
for disarming me to this degree of vulnerability
stripped of my armor, i look to my mother and father
for being committed and truthful for decades
and i apologize to the me that was blinded by love and couldn't see:
i'm sorry for depriving you of the happiness and joy you really deserved
i'm sorry for letting you cry yourself to bed, letting you feel guilty
and filthy for your honesty and integrity,
i'm sorry for being unfair with your opportunities and promise you that you're going to find that joy once more;
i'm going to see the most reliable confidant within myself,
bestow confidence when i meet someone new and not be afraid in my insecurity and past misery
because nothing's stopping me with this chance
to advance closer to someone that deserves my truth, wisdom and light,
someone that deserves my whispered words and sincerity,
someone that keeps their shit tight,
someone
for me.

winter.

my heart is frozen in a kiss with you
cold hands held by your memory alone
and my eyes rain when i miss you
...it must be winter.

today

connect the dots of the children gathered around the twisting trail of smoke leading up to the ceiling fan. entranced by the beauty of the world as manifested by the smoky swirl of nag champa. overcomfort in the touch of her fingers, the contour of her crossed legs, the smile in her eyes, the cliches of love in my mind. today i stared at the pixels as they formed words like a ouija board. too bad it was just my own sub-conscience spelling what i wanted to read. as the rainwater formed droplets on my lenses, i scuttled to the confines of a classroom. my wandering mind made it impossible to focus on infectious diseases. i instead drifted among the thought bubbles in my mind about the new life that is about to unfold in front of my very eyes...

finally some new art...

its been awhile since i pushed anything out of my head..

i'm on a creative writing hiatus for certain reasons, so i've been meaning to create some art to at least contribute to the blog. plus i'll be hanging up these pieces and a couple others at some shows coming up.


i completed this first piece awhile back at a friends house, i just randomly threw stuff on the small canvas and ended up with this concept of the 5 senses.

"Sense of Philosophy"
(Tempera, Acrylic, Sharpie)



on each side of the canvas i wrote a lil blurb relating to the sense that side had.

(Smell) "Breathe in the smell of the journey."
(Hearing) "Listen outside the image."
(Touch) "Reach for the ends of reality."
(Taste) "Taste the fruit of life."
(Sight) "See past the abstract...and ascend."

This next piece I completed about 2 hours ago. It's a piece made in memory of a friend who recently passed. Despite everything she was dealt; her display of wisdom and strength were truly inspirational.

The other day I walked into a borders and looked around. For the first time, I actually found a book that highly sparked my interest and walked out with it (paying of course, haha). That book was Banksy's Wall and Piece". After finishing looking over the book this person became my new favorite artist. His whole concepts behind stencil are too fresh.

So I put 2 and 2 together and got this..

"True Strength"
(Tempera, Acrylic, Spraypaint [Stenciled])

Learning = Conflict; Conflict = Learning

Young supple breed of familiarity
Branding hold against her skin
Poisoned by receptivity, enamored by normality
She beckons the call

Diamonds become rubies
She beckons the call
Driving onward into the horizon
Confusion was always a great shadow

Shadows become companions
Companions become lovers
Lovers lose autonomy
Shadows become her

In the shadows, she gave into her id
Actions that forebode an undesired archetype
Harsh words that foreboded division
She manifested into traffic

Driving insanity to a new destination
Destined into reality, she succumbed to her poison
The touch of insanity never tasted so good until now
She beckons the call

Driving her crazy she drives on
Pass streets she’s never heard of before
Coming into her mind’s labyrinth
You’re not expecting her
And she doesn’t even know why she came

Sit alone awhile
Come to possible conclusions of
A series of hypothetical events
As it unfolds, she meditates

She realizes tonight’s reactions
Are tomorrow’s passive aggressions
The idea distances itself from reality
So does her car

Maybe this is her time
Rubies become diamonds
She returns back home
Yet, she hardly recognizes it as home

She smiles, closes her eyes and succumbs
Methodically ready, she moves to the line
Picket sign in hand, familiarity by her side
She beckons the call.

keep your arms and legs inside the ride at all times

from the apex the view never eludes it's magic
proof is a screaming voice spewing out the mouth climactic
with inhibition at a free fall, stomach lifted, nose dipping down
the ends of our fingers line at the spike of the sun's crown
the love below is a g force pressured just beneath lust
huddled in my gut wrenching where the bolt and metal touch
as it traverses through the track, rivets squeak at each bend
arch across the beams beginning our dreams ascent
shapes of sine wave for mind games, crashing words on the merge
curves shifting my shape of lips to when we cliff hang on verge
watch it catch us on that lift weightless right below the stomach
feeling nervous circulations jitter right before we plummet
ducking tunnels with a cuddle, inches under the speeding ceiling
fleeing faster moving past the final snap flash of camera capturing
dark brown eyes fixed on lens bent, focused motives, intentions
surf across centripetal forces, gravity slips through dimensions
sitting as our seat 360's spinning sickly, spiraling dizzy
swirls mixing, love with hate, satisfaction with misery
time dwindling to the finish, minutes on seconds diminish
sync the sky drawing lines for limits with fingers flicking, fidgety, timid
the fleeing of feelings fleeting through this speeding roller coaster
and if we plummet from the summit a split second off... it's over

rain

the veins drip down my window like teardrops flowing towards the soil.
carrying my life with them; erasing my life with each follicle of dust.
refresh the homepage, follow the hyperlink, open me in a new tab.
comical kamikaze calmly commits a con connecting concoctions of correlations.
eight, sixteen, thirty-two, sixty-four, one-twenty-eight, two-fifty-six.
choose your fate depending on the number of squares that paint your picture.
trumpets and guitars declare the uppity atmosphere i've embraced tonight.
sick and sad, what a way to sum it up; ill and depressed; done and done.
the skin on her shoulders is so sensual, but the tips of her fingers are so wonderful.
we're only individuals because of a slight difference in a vortex pattern smaller than imagination.
dialect and language; rhymes and rhythm; dreams and reality; love and hate, cliche and originality.
it's raining tonight...

Rising Down.

Down.
Just gotta calm
Down.
Down from this misery
scrambling to finish unraveling life's mystery
no longer any epiphanies, just doubt and worry sicken me,
Not sick like some ?uestlove remix or Jazzy Jeff mixtape shit,
Sick like listening to your father curse Heaven in outrageous fits,
Sick like pessimists believing they're dying more each day,
I'm getting sick of this type 'sickness', got to throw that vibe away,
And let positive vibes stay.

Falling down.
I'm falling down deeply into this quicksand from this man
That many feel the urge to 'stick it' to,
Blind to my slow demise of debt from unnecessary consumption,
Brainwashed from mass media to the point i'm learning nothing,
Fronting about my own personality so socially i'm not seen in my actuality
I'm falling down, right about now
Sure do wish i was falling up like the Peas when they stayed Behind the Front,
But to a seemingly endless downward sink is the pattern i'm clinging to,
False toast i'm drinking to, horrible nightmare i keep thinking to,
As i'm falling down into my own pit of despair.

When it all falls down,
I'll be waiting patiently
Like in white rooms of sterile air where patients be,
Not letting go of the truth and goodness received from my peers,
This aged war has brought far too long a debate that our great grandparents could relate,
Endless injustices leaving sisters brotherless,
Imbalanced families without direction, motherless;
Our freedom's at stake when our foundations start falling,
Eyes and mouths need to open to stir emotion and rally calling,
Stop freezing up when someone else falls from evil force without desire to stop flying
Take action or fret in ill regret because all of this lying
Has my heart drowned from overcrying
I'm over lying to myself deciding that ignorance is bliss,
Ignorance isn't shit, knowledge of self is;
Immerse yourself in positivity without stopping your learning,
All possibilities will be realized and when it all falls down,
You can shine the light in with open curtains.

Gravitating towards you

nights like these
I am reminded of the greatness of your love
of how to live a humble and holy way of life
making me realize that i've always had the power from inside
the ability to do anything I set my mind on

so I can't help but gravitate towards you

fortunate I am to be in your church
knowing that this is the true faith with no question in my mind
that you are the one and only god
following your commandments lead me to the light
your promises you always keep
with all these reminders, how can I fall
how can my faith grow weak

and for this
I will seek you as I awaken
I will find you in the night
I will search for you as i sleep in bed
in every moment of my life

because living without you oh god would be lonely and meaningless
if I try to imagine days without you
all possibilities lead to emptiness
when i listen to your holy words
I am strengthened and rejuvenated
applying them as i wander in this world
words that give comfort, guidance, and hope
I am truly blest

as I pray to you may you listen to my plea
asking for strength to persevere
help me take the righteous path
among many difficult choices may you make it clear
that everything i do
may it be for your will

as I sing to you
may I sing with all my soul
longing to feel that sensational aura
may my heart and soul coincide as voices fill the air
the melody, the rhythm, lyrics so empowering that it touches my inner self
hopefully i may please you when i give it all i have
this feeling truly proves
how close you are to me

but if ever I would drift away
feeling a bleak winter night engulfing me
pulse beating with such intensity
thoughts that seem uncontrollable
breathing that is rapid
body trembling with fear
no sense of where to go
trapped in tangled wires
may you remember me
and I will run to you
escape to you for you are always there
providing love that is sincere
trust that cannot be shattered
peace that calms a raging sea storm

and although I cannot see you
or use my senses to locate you
I see your work grow like blooming flowers in an endless field
your majestic creations,
the devotion of your people
your church moving forward
and if I simply step back and watch these things
life itself becomes more vibrant.

just as a musician plays an instrument,
a painter paints an artwork,
a poet expresses and explores,
but as your humble servant lord,
I will worship you,
serve you
I will endure and give my all.

so I can't help but gravitate towards you,

because inner peace of mind in you I find
with a purpose to live
and promises I must keep
feeling happy, inspired, motivated,
full of life, energy radiating from within
I feel so complete.

Ask Questions?

Why is the blue sky?
Why does grey skies depress people?
Why is yelling perceived as bad?
Why don't people talk in elevators?
Why do we listen to beats more than lyrics?
Why would you superman that hoe?
Why are you pussy patrolling my vajayjay?
Where are the bouncers in the club when males are harassing females?
Where are the women who pay for men's drinks in the club?
Where are the Asian sistas on top model?
Where are the Asian sistas who marry white guys?
Where are the Asian folks on TV?
Where are the folks who scream for a change?
Where are the folks screaming to be heard?
Where are all folks screaming for our young people?
Where were you when your Asian sistas get raped?
Where were you when your Asian sistas get sold?
Where are all the protesters of the war?
Where are all the protesters of bush?
When can I call you my brotha?
When can I call you my sista?
When can I rely on you to scream?
When can I rely on you to rely on me?
When Can I say that I am proud to be an American?
When can I say that I fought for your safety?
When can I not be afraid to walk around at night?
when can I not be afraid to get drunk in a club?
When can I call you my brotha?
When can I call you my sista?
How do we not get 'caught up'?
How do we plan on saving lives?
How do we plan on being a better person?
How do we plan on marching together?
How do we know it's a better place?
How do we live without war?
How do we live without peace?
How do we learn without war?
How do we learn without struggle?
How do we learn without teaching?
How do we learn without peace?
How do we learn without hurting?
How do we learn without being uncomfortable?

Why don't we ask more questions?

Because this world is ugly

In light of recent events
I need to apologize
My tounge was caught in a state of shock
A momentary lapse of concentration

My tounge was temporarily out of service
It took a leave of absence
sick leave
Sick of work

Hoping to project itself into the cranium
Hoping/waiting/rejuvenating
Hoping that ESP would be enough to stop a war
Hoping that for once an army would come

nothing.
nothing happened
nothing would ever happen
not like this

for this reason, i picked up my guitar
not knowing how to play
I stummed the strings to chords in my lungs
I sang, even though I couldn't fathom how to and why

Can I sing for you?

Desperately searching for an honest answer
baby takes her momma's hand and walks along the street
momma's trying to buy you a mocking bird
mocking all the sadness in our lives, because...
because sometimes, times like these need laughs

If that mocking bird don't sing
momma's gonna buy you some time
time to create your own stage
your own voice/rhythm/rhyme/time

If that voice/rhyme don't work
momma's gonna take the time to love you still
The song's incomplete but baby holds on tight to her momma's hand
The strings of the guitar vibrate and pass the guitar on

Are you strong enough to sing with me?

something kept close to my fingers for a really long time

i had wrapped the world in white paper
in hopes that it would ignite fire and catch wind
and some careless man with steel toe boots
tried to disprove mother nature
i regrettably put my faith in you
waited for whispers hibernating in your throat
slept on your lips for days
a kiss caught on the thorns surrounding your mouth
i don’t care how your face looked like when we hugged
or when i walked away
i thought that if i could bury you in the snow
i could save you for a better tomorrow
i wanted to be held
like Neruda clenching his soul
Miles and his trumpet to sustain me with starlight
i had crawled into bed and tried to dream up a poem
but there was nothing more i could write about
to catch me when I fall
i have burned the memories slumped onto mattresses
risen from homicidal outlines
to be content
without tornados in my chest
without fluttering inside this body
just a drum that keeps me going in this world
and a moist tea bag saturating my mouth
is all i ever wanted

continuation.

it's almost 4:30am of what used to be a friday night. i stayed home wondering what i was wondering and came back around wondering what i had wondered about. some may say that when you're halfway delirious with sleepy thoughts you can't say when you're entirely awake, you say things you don't mean. you think thoughts that are off the wrong walls of a room with none to begin with.

to begin with, as far as i'm concerned, there is no such thing as a beginning. only continuations of what has already previously been...so to begin with -- i'll continue. my brain simply a slaughterhouse of emotions, reactions, and memories. the wrong remembrances of the moments i recall as i think to myself in half awake stupor -- my goodness...life, you are insane. i don't believe in normalcy when an everyday factor to life is it's capacity and persistence on changing everything you thought you knew to be real...fiction is truth in its more creative tones. lies are truths no one wants to speak. pain is so that pleasure and peace will surface. i know nothing and with that, i can know more...

each time i say goodbye, i am instead greeted by more memories of you than i had previously remembered even experiencing. i have no new beginnings with you, but i continue to love you instead...just as i had with each day that has reached it's close...there is nowhere to start but to fall deeper into a hole where love is almost the only reason i can't escape. and i, human all the way down to the crack in my bones when i'm aching from turning my head too far back in hopes to find you...standing there...in a corner of the room i didn't see before...maybe behind the lamppost that brought light to all my biggest fears and worries...

...to begin with, i understand there is no such thing as a beginning. and yet, i am learning, though this may defy my own gravity of truth as i may know it currently...but there may just be...

...an end.

*Losing My Ability.

I must confess
whenever i see you, i start to undress you,
both mentally and physically
and don't be offended,
i don't mind if you blush, or wanna make me feel rejected;
you just don't know what you do to me!.
every move you make makes me shake,
each sound syllable you utter melts me like fire to butter,
the gentle touch of your eyes and tug of your hug disarms me,
harms me in such a way that i just can't help but to convey
as something that hurts but heals,
sings sermons but steals,
opens every window in the universe! but seals,
blocks every sensory perception but still feels,
the aching need to somehow defy any convention and take me,
just take all of me in,
inhale my soul and swig me like gin,
be careless with merits but cringe to feel this sin,
wince and wither from your gentle whisper,
kid at how you make me feel like a kid again,
young at heart,
while subsequently you're the thief that pierces my lungs like a dart,
leaving me breathless,
and despite this lyrical excess of longing,
know that all i'm yearning for is that sense of belonging,
rainy days i'll be your awning,
admiring infinitely of your sincerity,
focused drive and crystal clarity,
because you're impairing me
of my vision, sight and touch,
got me losing everything except your very essence, explainable only by
your name
somehow still on my brain,
i want you in my life;
why can't it all be so simply and plain.

My Sunday Morning

Switch on the TV in hopes it's in color
They say, Asians don't need color TV's
They say we don't need it
because everyone, everything, every channel is still in black & white.

Reach for my energy drink
It doesn't give me any more energy then sex on a cool day
It doesn't do anything for me
because i'm looking for substance in sustenance form

Today proves to be a difficult one from the getgo
Today, gravity just seems to work against me
So, i'm bouncing from idea to idea
Like a chicken with it's head chopped off

Rearrange my body, turning over in hopes of another hour
Rearrange my thoughts, maybe I can lie myself outta this one
Rearrange my hands, maybe I can sex myself back into sleep
Rearrange my thoughts, maybe i should wake up


it's Wednesday

just like a star

october:
sober from summer
over the slumber
awake and star gazing
painting portraits
of poets with the
aligning of stars

because each star seems to
speak a bit of truth

a rose.

[...in loving memory...]
you were a rose too beautiful for anything on earth
so God restored you to the sky
where only the clouds could help you grow the wings you needed
so you can fly over us and watch us
wrap those wings around us to protect us as we dream

and now you sleep soundly on the rainbows that ignite your beauty
like a flame catching fire on a spectrum in all its different shades
reflecting across our tired eyes

each time i look to the sky
a feather from your wings lifts my spirit
the sun rested on your eyelashes
that each time you opened your eyes
a new day began with your awakening
i am reminded of you and i can't help but smile.
because i know i slept in the embrace of an angel
before this new day reached existence.

i have a cold.

the pressures pulsating in his upper nasal passages push the mind out of the crown and up through the atmosphere into his dreams. the lifted state of the insidious thoughts he dreamt up can't match those that he witnessed through the eyes of another. accidental and irreversable sparks fly deep into the red sky. the scales grow and cover his chest, disguising the empty crevice where his muscles used to pump the river-like lifeline of intensity. microbacteria spread and eat the spongiformed folds in the heavens. orange-peel moon rises above the foggy clouds that disguise the polluted sky as a silky veil. unraveling the knots that form his self-righteous self-schemas and self-esteem blossoms into self-efficacy. too bad my self-perceived false consensus is, in actuality, nothing but a false uniqueness effect. fuck, look at me, i'm learning. lifeline pulsing in my mind; too bad she's too young; too bad she's too fun; too bad she's too fucked up; too bad she's too gone. gazing into his corneia only to realize it's void and blank; he has no pupils. no students. no one to learn. no one to throw their hands up to the sky to grab his mind and bring it back down to reality from the dreamy cloud-whisps...no one to tame his metaphors and similes and confusion and have you ever seen love personified?

In putting action to our words: Filipinos denigrated on ABC's "Desperate Housewives"

Dear Kababayan and Allies:

I heard through the grapevine about a remark made on
an episode of "Desperate Housewives" last night. The scene entailed
Teri Hatcher's character (Susan) at a hospital, being told by her
gynecologist that she might be hitting menopause. Susan replied, "Can I
just check those diplomas because I just want to make sure that they
are not from some med school in the Philippines. " If you go to abc.com,
you watch the full episode and witness the scene at about 18:50
minutes into the episode.

This type of derogatory remark is not only unnecessary
and hurtful, but is also unfounded, considering the presence of
Filipinos and Filipino Americans in the health care industry.
Filipinos are the second largest immigrant population in the United
States, with many entering the U.S. and passing their U.S. licensing
boards as doctors, nurses, and medical technicians. In fact, the
Philippines produces more U.S. nurses than any other country in the world.
So, to belittle the education, experience, or value of Filipino
Americans in health care is disrespectful and plain and simply ignorant.

As Filipino Americans, we need to band together to
ensure that this type of hateful message is not allowed to continue on
our television and radio airwaves. Given the recent amounts of media
attention that has been given to Michael Richards (against African
Americans), Isaiah Washington (against gays), and Rosie O'Donnell
(against Asian/ Chinese Americans), it is ridiculous that this type of hateful
speech made it through various screenwriters, the show's producers,
the show's actors, and ABC itself. Yet, this isn't the first time that negative
remarks have been made about the Philippines or Filipinos in the past.
In recent years, we've heard one too many "dogeater" comments by
"comedian" Joan Rivers on the red carpet or in her standup act, and I
believe that it is about time that we stand up for ourselves, so that
this type of hateful speech never happens again.

Please join me in expressing your concern,
disappointment, and/or disgust to the producers of ABC.com. You can sign the petition at http://www.petitiononline.com/FilABC/petition.html or you can
reach them directly abc7@abc.com.

And please feel free to forward this widely to other
Filipinos/ Filipino Americans/ Asian Americans/ and other allies.