continuation.

it's almost 4:30am of what used to be a friday night. i stayed home wondering what i was wondering and came back around wondering what i had wondered about. some may say that when you're halfway delirious with sleepy thoughts you can't say when you're entirely awake, you say things you don't mean. you think thoughts that are off the wrong walls of a room with none to begin with.

to begin with, as far as i'm concerned, there is no such thing as a beginning. only continuations of what has already previously been...so to begin with -- i'll continue. my brain simply a slaughterhouse of emotions, reactions, and memories. the wrong remembrances of the moments i recall as i think to myself in half awake stupor -- my goodness...life, you are insane. i don't believe in normalcy when an everyday factor to life is it's capacity and persistence on changing everything you thought you knew to be real...fiction is truth in its more creative tones. lies are truths no one wants to speak. pain is so that pleasure and peace will surface. i know nothing and with that, i can know more...

each time i say goodbye, i am instead greeted by more memories of you than i had previously remembered even experiencing. i have no new beginnings with you, but i continue to love you instead...just as i had with each day that has reached it's close...there is nowhere to start but to fall deeper into a hole where love is almost the only reason i can't escape. and i, human all the way down to the crack in my bones when i'm aching from turning my head too far back in hopes to find you...standing there...in a corner of the room i didn't see before...maybe behind the lamppost that brought light to all my biggest fears and worries...

...to begin with, i understand there is no such thing as a beginning. and yet, i am learning, though this may defy my own gravity of truth as i may know it currently...but there may just be...

...an end.