low self-esteem

what i've been going through lately, and just recently overcame it all. enjoy?

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i never knew that numbers on a scale could bother someone so much
i never knew it had that manipulation
that grasp, that control,
to change the way someone feels about themself.
that these numbers could take hold of that someone's self esteem
and decrease it by the lowest percentage possible.
these numbers were not just any numbers
they were numbers that scared me
these were numbers that spoke to me
taunted me with common media expectations
teased me with popular magazine covers
haunted my life with images of beautiful women that i wish i could mimic,
ditto their appearances
and make them my own.

every now and then, i'd cry myself to bed
hoping that one day, i'll have a body like that
my skin will someday be as flawless as theirs
my face will be perfectly shaped so i could have any hairstyle i wanted
i wanted the perfect body
i'd cry myself to sleep,
knowing that i was the complete opposite.
knowing i had not the ideal hourglass shape
i had not the most flawless skin ever
my face was round,
and so was i.

everytime i jumped onto the scale,
numbers got higher,
expectations were demanding.
i'm heavier and things keep getting worse
but that's how life is, right?
everything keeps getting worse.
keeping that in mind, i've resorted to the worse thing yet:
indirectly inflicting pain
to the ones that care and the ones that matter
it was internal self mutilation,
starvation was the answer to my problems.
it was myself in desperate need
of where to stand in society

i didnt want to stand round,
i want to stand tall and thin and beautiful
just like every other girl out there.
i wanted an ideal body
just like what everyone else wanted.
i wanted to not only fit in
but to be likable
to be eye-catching
just like everyone else.

as days went by
i grew thinner and thinner
i felt more beautiful as days passed
i now know how it feels to be thin
and beautiful
and tall, yet petite
yet inside this so-called beautiful external appearance of mine
dwelled internal pain,
where my organs were eating me alive
but this eating habit of mine
was doing this body wonders
this habit of mine was makin me feel beautiful,
and light, and skinny,
and more attractive. that's what i wanted.
i already started and i can't stop.

yet this constant pain in my stomach
grows harsh as days go by
suffering from malnutrition daily
but i loved the way i looked now.

i was constantly comparing myself to others
now it was okay to do so,
where i felt my level of envy has lowered
i reached their stage
i'm feeling quite accomplished.

although i feel like i got what i wanted,
i wanted more out of it.
i still was not satisfied
for everytime my belly stuck out
i'd starve myself again for a few more days
until it was gone. it was gone, gone, gone.

and so was i.
i was almost gone. my old self,
my own self, manipulated by numbers on a scale.
i'm killing myself.
simply over envious feelings and jealousy
it's killing me.

my friend once told me,
that when friends think of you,
they don't think of your weight,
they think of you, and who you are.

how dare these numbers
have control over my feelings.
my emotions and my well-being
how could i be so weak
to be haunted and taunted
and teased by the majority of how our society is today
how dare society take control over what and who i am
how dare i allow myself
to revolve around what the majority wants
to impress what the world wants out of me
when the world doesn't care about who i am
and what i do for the world.

from now on, i'll live up to what will be right for me,
i don't live for the world anyway. i never did.
it's controlling,
it controlled me.
but i won't let it control me anymore.