tryn to..

its been awhile since i posted..or even wrote .. sucks more that it took this to write..but hopefully its a start =)

***

ps3 and pizza. broken hearts and bali. heart and heal.

this is for the death of a once known home.
goodbye LA.

there you were in sunshine and heat,
an old home.
it was too easy to find comfort within your streets of complication -
there was an anxious exhale as i melted into your palms -
i tried place myself within your contradictions -
but instead at every turn you reminded me that i've left.

i ran away.
tears first, stumbling on my broken heart and surrounded by my fears mocking me.
"we win" they laughed
and all i could do was stare down in embarrassment
thinking my will would be enough to survive the trip into the source of my darkness, my everything.
i held my bag like it was the broken pieces of my heart
all i could collect
all that was left.
as i watched them break and fall from my eyes,
i could only but watch in agony
how quickly
how effortlessly
how naturally they gave up.

the sirens unravel in the emptiness of my failure.
they are thick, a choking poison - cancer of survival
i sit still in the remnants of your love diffused, burnt away.
how could one solitary place of strength change so much?
i turmoil within the crimson question of what, have i done?
where have i gone?
and how do i deal?

through slow sips of death to the body meaning quick death of the mind
through painful reminder of reality meaning realms wreck insights into my love
how do i endure the survival of my ghosts?
running into my psyche albeit my attempt to hide their eminence.
they haunt me into surrendering
i can only but submit to their melancholy musings.

my heart that has crawled in hope is dying.
it is being drained of all things beautiful and unrealized.
singlehandedly by the death of your promise,
it will soon not exist.
forever and ever.