struggle

tearing the walls and collapsing the floor
not sure who or what or how anymore
so lost and unable to resurface again
never able to recapture the air and
the struggles of life and love
they tear and destroy the fibers of
soul, heart and being
everything in between
confusion and uncertainty thrive
as i struggle with why i'm alive
trying to know why i'm here
struggling with what to fear
and what to accept and hold dear
waiting for her to reappear
to pull me together once and for all
to keep my mind on that damn ball
but then, a wonderful friend interjects in my life
she always knows how to calm my strife
she helps to organize the thoughts in my head
says there's so much more to see ahead
without her i don't know how i would live
she always has the best advice to give
an amazing person, a great fucking friend
i love her to death, 'til the bitter end
tonight i will lay down to rest
much more calm and focused on my quest
of inner peace and understanding of me
because i must know me before i can be
anything for anyone i love
she is my white dove
my sign of hope
yeah, she's that fucking dope.

i love you, my friend.
you know who you are. :]
and thank you, once again.

little cocoon

little cocoon
i'm pretending that i cant be the one to break you through
hush crickets in the distance
chirping specifics in their poems
and mines is a womb..
and i'm waiting for this to hatch soon
when will it bloom?
spill this anxious big boom
when will these mature wings edge me closer to move

when i asked a caterpillar about something sorta similar
she said that there's plenty of grub to go by..
psh..
that she was no dragonfly trailing glittery skies
said that rotting piece of meat in the street attracts flies

and that makes me?
and my innards jiggly gelatin..
wishing to throb next to her exoskeleton
hope she doesn't feel my antenna on her melanin
bzz
there i go back into the yellow glow again

i'm snare to the sticky tape strip, doing frantic flips
in a rush and scared that my transparent wings might rip
what a trip, the nectar is too thick to sip
i'm going panic to tranquil in a nanosecond split
in this
poisonous bliss
passes in slides of life flashing
the last my nerves felt was silk wrapped around me like napkins
spun and hanging
imagine the effect of this
...and the time it takes to recollect myself from it.

the shell around my cells are fragile
...glass bubbles
covered in old skin forming walls of thick brick to crumble
but one of these hot summers
im gonna...
see a triangle of light
shooting bright
piercing sharp into my infant like blurry eyesights
with my full wings pressured in so tight
i forgot the sensations i felt during flight

these fractures in the cast are tiny windows to the past
stopping me from healing
devolving me back
to a little cocoon
wrestled for room
waiting to move and seems like its soon

through the mask i saw
in awe
as you flew
im so inspired
...with desire
to fly with wings you grew
funny cause i thought i was helping you breathe through
but now i'm glued
and you're waiting
to watch me hatch and grow too

2am

it's not 2am yet
and i watched the minutes pass slowly
my fingers inching away from seconds
and redefining moments away from time

time slipping through
and rather reshaped
by the images i painted onto the canvas
no longer blank

peaceful days cry through days of happiness
tears seeping through the smiles
i displayed like a broken heart
to remind us all what it's like to be mended again

i touched slowly...
and pinched that second
to burst and ooze of more time
i should have been more careful
now i've got minutes smeared all over
dripping off my fingertips

and i wonder...
what i've been doin with all this time
it was materializing
like silly puddy in my hands

so this time
i used my fingerprints
to mold the seconds
a pathway to follow my future
in the palm of my hands
and show me
how long it would really take
to live
past
every
bit of time
every
bit of a moment
i have found.

falling fruits

i was at blue rock climbing trees and pretending my stuffed malfi was a fruit. i climbed that big ass dirt trail up to the rocks and let the winds dry my sweaty shirt.. overlooking views, being blinded by discovery kingdom's sea of parked cars.. straight up vibrating the reflection of sun. i had some pent up creative writing juices ready to ooze.. i was staring at my painting of a half tree half woman kinda limping over. thought flailing was a cool word.. and ran with this.


i limp flailing
to the bell curves of the winds
these elements that im in
climbing to the ends of the limbs
i lean along the pulse of her skin
tapping the bark
hearing chatter in what stems across
in patterns of dashes and dots
but i hesitate to let up and surface the dirt
halfway my eyes peek over the crust of the earth
see for the first time
a sprout inching from seed
with a dimple on the top of me becoming a leaf
this is the wait of a lifetime
veins to a lifeline
this is the weight of the earth held down by my wayside
and ways that i've been accustomed to this whole time
have everything to do with fruit falling off vines
before this, i was embers dimming to ash
each particle dying was a layer of past
now its deep soil, moist winds, sun in my favorite pose
well nourished, and these earthworms tickle my toes
that's my cue, heres a leap that i remember so much
falling weightless
flailing aimless to a pocket of brush

...as a thorned rose

[an old piece, but just bringin it back]

i feel like...

i am fighting a war with reality
against perfection
against fairytales
a war between fantasy versus everything i can touch

below the bullets flying above my head
above the grass i'm standing on
within the clothes i'm wrapped in
and beyond the touch of every fingertip
all that is tangible
and everything within my vision
i stand as the only proof of the reality i need to live
and the life i have to face
the world turns only within my mind
causin this only creation
to be the one thing that makes me more confused than confusion itself

the thorned roses are all i have to offer those i love
beyond this thorn bush that you have found me lying in
i can do nothing but wait and blossom
in hopes of beauty within me to bloom…
as i leave remnants of myself behind in carelessness
all i am i leave in fallen petals
and i can't hold on any longer
it is beyond my control...
i fall helplessly

my tears are all that slip away from me
that of my pain
hurt
worry
and fear
fear of living a life not worth living
but unable to see beyond all that i do live
careless again...
careless again...

and the path i leave is rather a path of restlessness
mistakes leaving footprints
and causing me to follow further into the path
that continues onto regret
full of the hardest steps
but i tread it either way

so follow the path of the fallen rose petals
to see what destruction i have caused
follow the storms that i have caused
to find me here fighting a useless battle
against perfection and reality
my needs versus my wants
and once again comin to the same conclusion as i had before
that i want what i need
but it is of course
everything i can't have.

so here i am left chasing the feather in the wind
amidst the already turbulent winds blowing it further from my grasp
each time i grab for it
my efforts cause it to fly further away
i have found myself jealous
jealous of its ease in flying
relying on nothing more than the wind to carry it
nearly weightless
the beauty in its carelessness
i want that.

i want that each time i were careless
i could carry myself even higher than before
rather than leaving a path of fallen rose petals
a storm each time i cry
a path of quicksand footprints to fall in
and yet again
thorns in the fingertips of all those who come close enough to me
to ever care for me...

i feel like...

'giving thanks to you'

whenever i see you, i want to feel you.
whenever you ache, i want to heal you.
& whenever you're alone and down, i want to steal you.
i want to take you away from bad company,
lose all my chips to you in hold em',
hold hands throughout a movie,
and harmonize to your voice in a sweet melody.
because time erases precious moments all too quickly
and to go through a moment without sharing that moment with you
would leave me suffocating and sickly
I can't stop time and spend a single moment,
alone with you forever.
and i know it's selfish and greedy to even imagine such a wish,
and so i realize i'd be trapping us in my own form of watered down display
as would be owning a goldfish
but why restrict my love to the limitness of an aquarium?
when my love exceeds the limitless waters of the pacific, atlantic and indian oceans,
yet the volume of every body of water combined from this divine planet
still could not match the amount of love and devotion my soul would flow for you.
and thus with you, i'll stay true
truer than the true blue hue of the oceans and clear sky
truer than tears wept out of pain for loved ones passed away, from a heartachy cry
as true as the most truthful honesty shining through gentle strength and sound wisdom
and more true than the true colors of a rainbow deflected from white light through a prism
with you i'll stay true, not because
i approach you and i cautiously,
not because this is how love ought to be, nor because we're on display for all to see
but i'll stay true because i love you through our bond together,
that emits a love light shining uncommonly
i'd spend my whole life through,
just giving thanks to you.
thanks because in this unmapped road of dead ends and loops
you send me on the right path,
in the search to make me whole, you're my missing other half
i love to hear you giggle and i love it when you make me laugh and
i love tandemly reminiscing on a sigh
thanks because you've gifted me vision to see you as more than a woman,
and you to me as just another guy
thanks for showing me the beauty and possibilities beyond glamour
and simply opening your private, secret world to share with one
as undeserving as me
thank you for giving me a chance to share a dance,
to possibly submit myself to romance
and thank you,
in advance,
for any future joys your words, actions and touch echo and produce
like some galactic tribal chant
in my position i'll walk towards the sea from river banks because
the thought of your memory is simply the greatest tiding
and it's exciting
privately hoping for just one another chance to reach the end of the horizon
because with you,
the impossible isn't surprising, just a possibility worth trying,
and the instances i share with you
shine eternally timeless like the perfect diamond.

'closer'

it's hard for me to believe that beyond the reality of my dreams there could ever be,
someone,
like you.
someone who could change my mood,
make me feel brand new,
fill my mentality with wonder..
in the chilliest of cold spells have my temperature
in the degrees of summer
and have me focus not on the overlay but what's hidden from under
even when you're gone and not around
your memory stays
and though we all rush to accomplish our agendas
wisdom's taught us that patience pays
for patience is a virtue
and if we ever get together i'd never hurt you
through any argument for i'd be only hurting myself
there's always casualties in these verbal wars
but the make ups nurse us back to health
just being by your side is a massive joy
felt ever so heavenly
and just hearing your voice soul speaking has me praising you
with amens and let it bes
and i know it's wrong minded but i need speak
on what's been going down profusely
but when i shop around, tickle ivories or sit down at the movies
i think about you and i know i say it cooly
but it's unruly to leave out what you don't know
simply stated that from these daily-life essays i compose
your image is my inspiration on the margins from my awakening inhale to sighing doze
in my daydreams i'll arrange symphonies and stream away themes of enchanting melodies
inspired by you
inside my imagination i'll kneel down to propose to you
and in my slumber is where insecurity and control fade til i'm unafraid to maybe
sway your way and hand my soul unto you,
yet,
these are all things i wouldn't mind doing in the real,
to you,
and it comes to my observance that when you smile, paradise blooms
angels lose their angelic serenity when you're alone
and when you sigh in contentment,
heaven seems closer to home.

'remember'

short term memory getting the best of me
between oblivion and my mind lay your heavenly entity
blessing me, caressing me,
asking me to give the best of me,
existing in an instance then vanished from my destiny
i've died a little since, agitated and distressed
searching my mind, eyes closed, sucking my thumb like a breast
fetal position so maybe you'll come to me in my rest
touching bottom in my consciousness like floors to a wedding dress
now awake in my sleep, i dive through every mental seam
gasping for air from each cranny and nook stored in my dreams
infinite fantasies, soft and cool like ice cream
but none takes place of the one of you that i fiend
a daydream you existed and died in, that's the problem
a piece of serenity through serendipity, not uncommon
but it's too common how i get weak and drift like an angel, fallen
struggling unsuccessfully to remember what i've forgotten.

i tried to add on..i dont know if it ties along hahah

brain farted...

and as the sun beats repeatedly across my mind
it never ceases to cross corners
with why it is so lost within itself
and i cant blame my mistakes continuously on my experience
it will end up containing myself from
reaching a new personality or put it simply...growth
so we like to blare through eachother eyes
thinking we can see deep down inside who eachother are
but when it comes down to it.."whe are who we are"
and the path to clarity will never be clear
til we move those thing we bear
on our own eyes...and finally see
that all this creativity of the heart...
is coming from what we see so split...
...our minds perception of art

using chris' last line as inspiration for a new piece

"the clear, bright sun" beats down on this
brown blank canvas known as my skin
a hand covers my eyes so that i'm not blinded
by that shine which constrains my eye sight
i try to remember what brought me to this place of deep thought
what events led me to this point
but it isn't so clear
i see through my own shortcomings
and find myself lost in the clouds of self doubt
but i burst these clouds
and cause showers of self doubt that get dried up by this clear bright sun
that beats down on this brown blank canvas known as my skin
living as long as the Sun burn self doubt gets no burn son.

Awkward ending i know..but i just wanted to say..burn son..ahaha..

pt. III, to add to the strand

[...]

one being, being one seen
seen through the guilt and despair
seen through the clarity and prayer
lost and found, sleeping to awake
he found himself in his mind
and i in mine, intertwined
staring at himself staring at me staring at him
we are all one being
one twisted sin
but then again
we're never sure who we are
but the split personalities come together to one
and they bring all life into the clear, bright sun.

hop on it

response/addition/twist to dimal's off-the-top -->

[...]

but then i find myself
sitting up with my chin up hands lifted in prayer
with hope sketched into each drawn fingerprint
a glimpse at a new fate through a fixed stare
each time he was lost, his foundation strengthened again
when he rediscovered being found
and through these rude awakenings
he was now awake
and so much more aware
learning to never run away
but instead find a way
it was only through this chaos that he found clarity
and i could only be so fortunate to witness
this split personality splitting away from existence
into one being

Life: Inspiration Comes Standard

once i again i am writing...off of the top of my head

Sitting down with my head down in my guilt stained hands
feeling nothing except the sting of my thoughts running through my mind
why do i do these things that torment me?
a promise broken, real emotions emerging on the surface
looking up he sees it in his own eyes
he has lost himself within
a fixed stare at his blank glare
it's hard to get away from your own being
i wish i could blame this on schizophrenia
but there are no multiple personalities to take credit for these mistakes


And i lost it again...i got tired..and started reading something..

these summer nights

blinking light steals his brain and captures his attention for an hour straight. he wavers and teeters and stares at nothing with these lights flashing in his eyelids. blue and yellow is nothing but green but to him at this moment it's every dream he's ever had, everything he's ever wanted and every fiber of his being. as i watch him collapsing tunnels in his mind and run his fingers through the late night breeze i think of how nice it would be to feel, for once. so i cut and run to a simpler place with less sin in the air. just the midnight air and summer freedom. escape to the girl with the patched hoodie and a skateboard, sitting on a driveway. someone i can talk nonsense with and feel life drift into the night sky as we waste time better spent sleeping. but her eyes are deep and personality too captivating to leave for dreams. mustering courage, touching lips, and sparked synapses. huddled together in the morning cold, depart from her and race home. those eyes and lips stay in my mind as i slip into sleep and dream of life. wake to realize that i know what it is to feel, always have. all i needed was a small reminder of simple pleasures and sleepless smiles.

just a face

i can put on some make up
maybe some nice clothes
i'll fix my hair every morning
and make sure i've got that smile
and that walk
that makes you feel that i'd be fun to chase
that makes you remember why
you always seem to strive for things
that you just can't have

i can start to wear the shoes
that tell you i'm your type
i can play the guitar
cuz it turns you on
i can wear the beanies
that make you think i look really cute
and i can walk past you
and catch your eye
heart
and soul
and i can make you walk away from everything
that you claim matters to you
...because i had a pretty face.

and it would mean absolutely nothing
because if that's all it took
yet another face
"in a sea of so many people"
then i'll drown again in search of you
and i will be
drowned in tears
drowned in fear
drowned in confusion
because i don't know what i'm lookin for anymore
i've spent too much time searching this abyss
only to realize that i've lost myself in everything unimportant
where faces defined willingness
and make up made up your mind
the shoes i wore
allowed you to walk all over me

if i am just a face
then you can find another just as pretty
if i am just a face
then you can find another just as quickly
if i am just a face...

anchored

anchored

in between tequila shots and your

stank breath

around cigarettes and traces of

old piss

in front of whispered secrets

gasped in

deep breath

i hold it all in

because i am two sizes skinnier when i do

if i hold it all in

because my body needs this more than bathroom tiles

if i hold it all in

my throat begins to feel heavy

and my lungs are anchored ready to collapse

if i hold it all in

i just may fall

hold my breath in tunnels

with thumbs on car ceilings

make wishes

that recoil down my throat

while holding it all in