llamas, oranges & l.s.c.

here i am.. again.. greeting the sun with open arms. actually.. tonight is different (or shall i say morning). despite my usual apathetic disposition towards my insomnia, i'm finding myself hating it altogether. i may even go as far as to say that i loathe the very core of the beast. then again, loathe is a strong word. perhaps too strong. for those of you who can relate to these, usually enoyable, sleepless hours, will also relate to how arduous the task of actually sleeping is. yes, i know i'm talking all crazy hoo-diddle, but listen, it's five something in the morning, and quite frankly, i really don't give a shit right now. back to the topic. there will always be something that calms my restlessness, whatever it may be; however, it seems as though tonight, being somewhat unique in it's own way.... i guess. ("you have a lovely soul" a.d.d. much? ) seems to have no relief.. to my knowledge. the usuals: the sound of fish tank filters, the slight murmur of television stars, begging to be heard, yet still, are only used as a deliverance from these lost dreams.. maybe some mellow tunes, also at a whisper..... even more so, a lover's heart beat. and as i lay on a make-shift bed in the computer/music room, with many options open to use as my lullaby, i find no release. and this, being quite an astonishment, troubles me deeply. they usually work, when most needed. i lay there, a deep "thump, thump-thump, thump-thump" echos through my ears. a usual melody that would put me into a deep slumber. and tonight... with absolutely no vindication for this restlessness whatsoever, i sit here, talking to you. and anyone who gives a damn. i almost spelled it "damb". and as i tried so hard to keep my eyes shut, squeezing my eye lids with all my might, i just couldn't find myself enjoying the same bliss as the individual beside me. you shouldn't have to try so hard to get forty winks in before 6:00AM.. and right now, i shouldn't be on my computer. nonetheless, that is how it is, and that is where i am. (and i know i change tenses, i'm a time traveler, so what.) wanting to sleep so badly, to just stay in these repetitious, yet, beautiful dreams, anknowing, it just won't happen. it's nearly heart breaking. it's an odd feeling. especially being at such a late time period. perhaps it's the surface in which i'm laying on. being too lazy to fix the bed up, we tossed sheets and comforters on the ground below us. perhaps the ground is too flat, too consistent. i would prefer it be more forgiving to the weight and shape of my body. to flow with each toss and turn throughout the night. to be different as you move you legs beneath the bed coveres. mmm... i would hardly call that a justified reasoning at all. on the other hand, as i lower my computer screen, and crawl back into the blankets piled on one another, i know eventually i will drift into slumber, with no worries, thoughts, stress, queries... only rest. a soothing extrication consisting of llamas, oranges, and lucky strike brand cigarettes.