This Feeling That I Feel.

it's that feeling
the type you get when inner might injects
light and text
a neon idea sign found inside your mind
it's like something you've been chasing
is now finally found
patience can go adjacent when your writer's block is taken down.

it's that feeling
when you feel that something so good
so warm
so righteous
so AMAZING
flood your mind with a dozen morphine highs
and your stomach with gentle butterflies
pleasure so profound you feel bound to utter sighs
got the mute speaking fluent with this cure for cancered lives.

it's that feeling
of forgiveness when you're truly sorry
that feeling of enlightenment when you learn
the feel of progress after a pauseless period of hoping
just that feeling of fire when inspiration hits you.

how does it feel?
hopefully a feeling that doesn't go untitled
maybe it's akin to memories as a small child
the first time you kissed, first defeat of your rival
the first time you did what you loved and no longer felt in denial.

it's that feeling that exists in you and i
that maybe won't last forever
but will help us to better get by.

an excerpt from an old cheesy one

you and i
we
a glimpse
a note
a painting
a shared vision of sunsets set in utopias unknown to this earth
a premeditated, preconceived notion
of consummate unity
wholeness
being one
that love truly does exceed all limitations
break down all barriers
and dismantle all defenses
in a world devoid of collectivity and love
we're not perfect
but you and i
we'll strive to give ourselves as bridges over spaces that lack
we'll live in the rewards of our decorated past
i'll let you be you and me be me
but grow closer to shared peace than we ever thought before
you say let the hurts lay in yesterday's fragility
and i say look forward to tomorrow beginnings
but the present exists as a balance of the two
and we live in all three
even if urgency inhabits the moment
we can never forget that a moment is but a mere twinkle
a piece of sunshine in the eyes of the light
and your eyes tell me you love me
they smile away the inconsequential
they allow me to dream about memories both past and yet to be
they pierce each layer of my weary soul
and thats where we'll really live
you and i
in each other

[snippet] "see you through"

...with this promise to inspire nations
no matter my struggle
i have pledged to live my life proving to you my heart is true
with each breath --
my stride relentless in my pursuit to attest to your love
though often weakened by human desire
my faith is never abandoned
with each yesterday conquered
and every new day forthcoming

these seasons changing are my proof that you exist past the pain
i am warmed by your sunrise
my heart awakened by your rains
my soul flies higher
my eyes opened wider
my faith strengthened by my desire to make it through

i'll follow the sunsets you've paved
to find my way back home to you
somehow
someway...

Passion personified

Flimsy strings stroke the air
A faint guitar breaks the silence
It's unimaginable
it's unforgivable

Inspiration seeps through his skin
Infecting, massive attack, fairy dust to the core
Peter pan couldn’t have wanted more
If you don’t want to grow up, leave.
 
The brilliance penetrates never never land
Never never never never land
It’s never too late to say
You are brilliant
You are an inspiration
You are infectious
 
It is our duty to fight
Causing mad chaos with our minds
Fucking shit up with our oration
Because we never never never land like this
 
It is our duty to win
Lessons learned demand our time
It’s not what they’ve done-It’s what you’ve taught us
Inspiration/motivation/complication
 
It’s is our duty to love each other and protect each other
Who was there to protect you?
Who was there to catch you??
Who was there to defend you???
 
Never never never land never saw this coming
The being burns through my ears
Panic attack ringing void
Blasted through the pages
Never never never did you deserve to land like this
 
Inspiration flows from his fingers
Just by his touch
Winded by his words-tough love
We have nothing to lose but our chains

"It is our duty to fight
It is our duty to win
It is our duty to love each other and protect each other
We have nothing to lose but our chains” 

-RIP, Dr. D
http://www.contracostatimes.com/ci_8225622

my heartbeat at 1:00am

i'm beginning to breathe again
in this rebirth
the rocky trail of imperfect intent and misdirected direction
my footsteps are moist with tears and vanquished dreams
the narrow straits of this labyrinth are messy
but there's one truth i take solace in

i'm a wounded healer

i'm respectfully moving forward as i walk with this beautiful limp
i humbly hold my scar tissues skyward in transparency
i realize it's impossible to enjoy the restorative refrain of sunshine
when you forget pain and mistakes in darker compartments
my weaknesses bleeding and exposed
to most the process may seem foolish or self-destructive
but i would have it no other way
there is beauty and peace in this blessed tension
and for that
there is much reason to celebrate

*because His PAST presence is PRESENT enough for our FUTURE

There is Love

There is Love (feat. iLL-Literacy)

sometimes being a student of life ain't easy

i've been victimized
a victim of my own demise
propositioned to slumber and toil in lies
asked to quietly fall in line
coerced to wear the sheep's disguise
been desecrated in mind and soul
torched inevitably by the truth's toll
victimized
and i long to be whole

the image

soul image,
black imprint on the silk screen.
undying, but unfulfilled amidst the unseen.
ride along the lines,
only color on the inside.
tell me why they're so many restrictions in a lifetime.

little linus rebelled,
he colored on the outside.
even when the image he filled was from his own lines.
broke the crayon in half,
and scribbled with two hands.
picked up the image and transformed it into his own brand.

sculpt your own struggle,
or paint your own fate.
be drawn into life to learn from the mistakes.
dream up the sun,
and make the soul image.
never lift the brush until the journeys all finished.

happy anniversary grandma

i know i have put this up
but its been 4 years yesterday since grandma left and i just wanted to put it up for her again

orignal post
GRANDMA... By EJ

This morning I woke up
And you were already up
You were in the kitchen about to cook
Me some bacon…
I told you grandma
I’m going to school
When I come home cook ok…
I said goodbye
Not knowing it was my last goodbye into the
Clear crystal blue brown eyes of you…
Your last words to me
“drive safely”
and that’s all I can remember
standing there was my last image…of you
getting ready to cook me my breakfast..
it keeps replaying in my head
why didn’t I sit down and eat with you
why didn’t I sit down and thank you
at work
I was getting all these calls and I cant check um..
I get a emergency
Blind to see the truth that was awaiting me
I denied the truth and believed in my own reality…
But in the 15 min drive
My whole life flashed before my eyes…
At 18 it would be my first closest lost..
But in myself I was already lost
18 years ago you were there
till this morning you were here
in my heart you were there
and in my heart you still are here
in my eyes you are a FILIPINA
Filipina pioneer
Paved the way for generations to come
Stood up for the generations to come
Loved and took care of me for my next generations to come
I remember as a little one
I never left you
I was always next to you
I never slept anywhere else except
Between you and grandpa…
Even when I moved away I came back and still slept with you…
You disciplined me when I was young…
You Flashed me when I was wrong…
It was the sickest thing I’ve ever seen
But your point always got across to me…
Even though I couldn’t understand…your point got across..
Cuz you are strong...
Grandma you are strong...
I thought I lost you before
But you came back and supported me even more
And this brings me to thanking you
But losing you left me empty with a blank history of
What you went through for me…
Like Jose Rizal once said
“Those who don’t recognize where they came from, will never get where they are going…”
I was tossed into the slaughter house
And muted of my native tongue
It was the one thing that would have connected our souls
It was the one element that would have created the
More being of me
It would have completed my history..
ALL I WANTED WITH YOU WAS A CONVERSATION…
I WAS ROBBED OF MY TONGUE AND I WAS ROBBED of MY TIME WITH YOU
Becuz I would always struggle just trying to say
I love you…
Grandma..
All those times at the kitchen table…silence…
I wasn’t hungry to eat my food
I was hungry to entertain you..
Grandma I wanted to know how you got to be you…
I just wanted your advice
But everytime it came out
It was foreign to my ears…and I would stand there and stare…
Wanting to understand
Grandma...
I want to understand you…
And this morning was my last chance…
And flash…
I’m running to the emergency room...silence again..
I open the door to a utopian white room
With you in the center
Grandma…
Grandma…grandma...
Grandma wake up
I want to say hi…
Grandma, I didn’t get to cook your rice...
Grandma please open your eyes…
And everytime I cried on your face I thought your eyelids opened
But reality collapsed on me
And again my heart broken..

Grandma…
Grandma
I’m sorry I didn’t eat breakfast with you…thank you...
I hold your hand...
Kiss your forehead
Close me eyes and say goodbye….

Goodbye to piece of my history
That lied in your life
Thank you for always being true…
Thank you…
I love you…
Grandma…

RIP

tricky words

he spit tricky words
it was beautiful
and with detached meanings
and loosely defined messages
it remained beautiful

i won't front...
i couldn't understand a word he said.
it just sounded pretty
but made absolutely no sense

i don't know if it was simply because his inspiration didn't speak my language
or maybe i wasn't educated enough
maybe i wasn't as well versed as his verses
line by line he confused me with each progression
verbs pushing to action the ideas i could not follow

and with detached meanings
and loosely defined messages
i enjoyed it.
i loved his performances
running across the stage and winning the race of words
that didn't exist.
speaking a language i couldn't understand
and i,
in awe that i could never learn to catch his tongue
twisted beyond any of my intelligence
staring at the tricks his lips released

all those words lost on the tips of every tongue
he used to tip toe right around all my own reality
cause me to feel that my confusion merely based on ignorance
i felt the bliss of it
and he relearned a reality i was willing to decipher

i hardly believe he would be willing to teach it
maybe it was on purpose.
to leave us struggling for meanings that didn't seem to exist
trying to find connections
while each word actually was only defined in galaxies apart
rejoining his own universe
his poem created the planets he used
to play hopscotch past anything my fingers could ever touch
my feet too sloppy
too confused
too clumsy to ever keep up

with his inspiration that spoke too many crazy tongues
spitting in so many directions that my mind could not even catch it
i couldn't grasp his intentions even if i tried

and maybe...
he merely reminded me
in my stupor
that my place remained there...
sitting in the audience
simply in awe of what i couldn't understand
but damn, it sounded so good.

Razor blades[freewrite]

Razor blades violating beautiful tender skin,

Dark red blood drip drip dripping down your precious arm

Pain deep down I feel as you inflict yourself this harm...

My Pain deeper than any cuts or razorblades driving into flesh…

Throbbing and feeling of my heart jumping out of my chest.

A loved one getting hurt right before my eyes

And its been going on for so long its slipped through my watch by some kind of disguise

Cuts on wrists, arms, legs and thighs.

And I can’t take it,

killing me.

As if im a vampire and you yourself are driving the stake in me

The last time. Mmmmm

Such a repetitive phrase

Coss the amount you say it goes on for days

At this rate the word last never seems to go away.

Hurts so bad.

it isn't easy to
manage my time wisely
without compromising my sanity kindly,
to suppress my cough, wheeze, or weakness
while at work getting by, keeping my flu a secret,
to say it's all good but hold back all the bad
not unleashing my demons but secreting these feelings with a dab,
to keep my eyes open reading these books or on the road
for keying essays or writing speeches when i'd rather key on my rhodes,
it isn't easy to do those things
but nobody said it would be,
nobody said what someone should have noted
that if i weigh everyone's satisfaction on my shoulders,
there's no way my own would get noticed
nobody said i would feel so weary and dreary,
that happiness is pursued and not promised through our rights in theory
nobody said it very clearly, that i would be lost,
making things work the way i wanted, that i'd be bossed
around, i'd be crossed with confusion and stares
for identifying as a minority in a college that don't care
i could have been more prepared,
i would have opened my eyes wider,
i should have climbed the highest tree, and jumped even higher
so is this poem's what i get when all is done and said,
or will i regret another decision to add right here instead?

[excerpt]

...and it helped me sleep better.
i appreciated each decision made,
not because it cleared the air,
but because it was like watching "carpe diem" materialize.
like grabbing tomorrow with both hands.
like touching your destiny,
even if it meant pushing it further away.
like a promise you made to yourself
...sneaking out in the middle of a confession of emotions.
the promise we all make to ourselves
to live our lives like there's no tomorrow
...the newness we all want...

it's not only the newness of tomorrow.
or...the realization that life is what you make it.
i don't know what i'm saying, but it's sorta like
...yeah, the newness
...and then some.
new+.
like it's new-new

...you know...

i have these walls

stretching 10 feet wide, 20 feet high to a certain damnation

fastening me from the culture outside

suppressing me from the fine line of intimate communication

---what is wrong with me

can’t get through the struggles of the primary mistake(s)

i feel used, disregarded, and peculiarly in place --out of place

beneath me is another being fighting for liberation of its former self

and this former self is the self taking over at present…