"my promise"

so i was inspired by eileen's piece to write a spiritual one too. i'll tell you later why, eileen. HAHA. just remind me.

_____________________________

when i think about it,
my life is as worthless as it gets
it's nothing compared to anything
that i've ever borrowed from you.

throughout my whole life, i've been nothing but a failure
nobody but just someone who dwells on borrowing things
but never returning them,
and if i return them
i don't give them back in the condition i first received it as.

i give you nothing but lies
nothing but failure
nothing but disappointment
nothing but grief
nothing but broken promises
and full of worry
it is because of me
that you are disappointed
it is because of people like me
you continue to feel doubt in your heart
it is because of people like me,
you sympathize
and empathize to me
in every prayer
you tell me,
"it's okay, don't worry,
"there's still hope,
"there's still a chance,
that you'll be saved."

you comfort in every prayer,
that no matter what,
you'll love me, just as long as i do my best
just as long as my intentions are pure and true
that i mean every single word i pray unto you
just as long as i believe in you
but not just faith alone
but faith with works.

dear God, my aspiration: perfect faith.

i try to prove to you that
i am worthy
but there is nothing i could ever do to prove that i am truly worthy of such blessings
there is nothin on earth
that could ever compare
there is NO comparison whatsoever with your blessings
your blessings are so bountiful
your blessings are so generously given

so what can i do to repay you?
this life.
this life that i BORROWED from you.
even such a sacrifice as giving up my life for you
dying in the name of yours and jesus christ

but not even such an action could compare to what you've done for me,
no God, i'm not taking my own life away
but simply proving to you that nothing can compare to what you've done for me
nothing could ever suffice for the broken promises i promised i wouldn't break

so i question,
am i even allowed to complain
about all the sufferings i've encountered
do i have the right
to even call upon you, dear father
should i even call you my father
am i truly counted as your child
although dear father i truly do feel your love and your mercy
but as undeserving as i am,
it's hard for me to truly believe that
such a loving father
such a loving God
so merciful and loving
could love such an unworthy, piece of life such as i

it is my promise to you
that come what may
i will be strong
i will truly believe that
you will always be with me
you are with me when i suffer persecutions
hardships
tests and trials
it is my faith
that you will be by my side
holding my hand
leading the way
to every single destination i must cross paths with

it's such a blessing
that i have the opportunity to call upon you, dear God
though i know these tears will continue to fall
until our lord jesus christ comes
the end is near.
my race is almost done.
just be there for me
for a couple more days
and i'll be ready.
i'll be ready,
and strong.

this, i promise.