sketchy freewrite

totally sketchy freewrite but hey, had to get it out

i remember when he told me that we weren't meant to be
i didn't want to believe it
so i didn't
but in time i realized this pain was so real
he had to be right
so i left...
we were opposite in heart
so we headed opposite directions

but i never could understand it
i had yet to learn to unlearn him
forget the feel of his palm in my hand
or the way his mouth would stay open when he was sincerely shocked
or to pretend i didn't notice his nervous jokes
i had yet to learn to unlearn knowing him all too well
because he told me it was all too much
and no, things weren't all good...

and finally it hits
but the pain of the impact isn't as it used to be
because when we used to be
all i knew was he
he, who shined me past my flaws
he, who knew me past my walls
but then i learned that it was he...
i had to shine him past me
my life can't sustain him anymore

...so that's what he meant
when he said it wasn't meant to be

so finally when it hit
i finally understood
it wasn't meant to be
he was just right
so i left
but in actuality
we were one in heart
holding up the rainbow from opposite sides
watching miracles collapse into our dreams
balancing the beautiful existences
exactly what was meant to be
even though it wasn't "we"

like this.

it's been four years since i last told you "happy birthday"
four years since i've seen your smile
even though i can still remember how it was kinda crooked
four years since i told you i didn't want to be your girlfriend
but stood by your side anyway
and though it's been four years
i still haven't found a good enough way to say it
so forget reality
i'm just gonna say it like this...

i think you're an idiot.
for leaving me the way you did
all stranded and helpless
standing next to your grave without even a goodbye
i want to tell you that you're a jerk
for never giving me a heads up
never telling me ahead of time that you decided to leave us so soon
you're a liar talking about the future
i think you already knew you weren't going to stick around for much longer
i want to scream at you for leaving
and i want to hug you to make up for these past four years that i've missed you
i cry at the thought of you
and you invade my thoughts at the worst times
like now
so i'ma just tell you straight
like this

you may have been the biggest mistake of my life
that i'll learn to never regret
and deep down i know that i'll never forget the scars you left
because no matter how deep they got
no matter how timeless they'll be
they're among my most beautiful memories
and i'm forever changed
nevertheless grateful
and utterly speechless
in four years
i've still struggled for the right words to say it
and so it's unfortunate, i can only say it like this

...i just miss you.
i'm so close to wishing you were still around
but i accept the fact that you passed
and belong in my past
you asked me once about destiny
and if you were mine
all those hints and clues you left
i'm still struggling with the fact that you never told me straight
and so you just left me
like this.

My California Gold Rush

Got bored at work. It's just a little crush :)

Your feature’s a glare in the puddle,
waiting for me to jump in it’s time.
Engulf my spirit through a teleporting, disco tunnel,
you’ve already swept my feet while I’m
holding for dear grip through
vivid, checkered swirls - red, blue, purple..
Across the universe, I’m stitched,
around the circles and glitches.
You are
so irresistible, that I’m unwilling.
Questions to save it for a next lifetime?
Cuz it feels so good it hurts so much,
how your cranium is a gold mine
waiting for me to dig deep in.
Your mentality is but a fortune!
May I be your niner when the chips lean?
I’ll sail for days through your brain’s crevices
my journey in covered wagons for perpetual bliss,
construct railroads, to bridge a kiss
above waters an award exists -
you’re my California gold rush, it’s so evident.

freewrite (untitled)

always make new mistakes, thats what i was told.
the great minds of our generation and our generations’ pasts didn’t hold to popular belief.
they lived a life of their own.
they made a life of their own.
they sat in cafe’s listening to the rush, gush and bullshit of other people’s lives and in complete solitude understood that each blade of grass was beautiful.
great minds became great through their journeys with sex, dugs, & rock and roll.
contemplations of jazz and blues, smoking trees wrapped up in sheet music just so they can inhale each rhythm into their own lungs.
they cliff dive, bungee jump, and climb the highest structures just to say they did because experience is life’s greatest teacher.
and this teacher taught them to end each day with a new story to add to their book.

always make new mistakes, that’s what the great minds told me.
fuck the fall and how painful it can get.
as long as you get back up again, its worth all the tears, blood, and sweat.
great minds became great through the cold steel of handcuffs across their wrists after drunken nights of trying to steal cop cars, only to find their body leaning against one.
mistakes made left and right, it’s no wonder great minds think alike. they go hand in hand.

always make new mistakes, great minds once said that.
it’s not about learning from you’re past, but inventing your own history.
i’ve got text to do that, but none that can live for me.
i want to wake up at the age of 85 and have all my grandchildren listen in and think that i lived a great life.
i want the lowest of the lows so i can appreciate the highest of the highs.
i don’t want to watch history unfold in front of me, i want to hold on for my life as the folds unravel.
great minds became great through absorbing each second for it’s worth.
turning gravel and dirt into piles of gold just to say that they’re richer than earth.
and when the world stops spinning, great minds will make each mistake wisdom for it’s predecessors.
and their lives will be the spark to a new mind of a new generation.

no longer just me.

i forgot how sexy this type of talking, this well thought burst projection makes me feel.
bare skin on point, freshly cut grass,
and the dirty shit that sticks to me just makes what revolves around your head
from the source of these parted lips fuckin’ clean.
and, it’s gotta sound mean, the rawness of me yelling at these eyes that have witnessed the hate of the world stackin’ around him like boulders that man technoed into houses and cities.
it seems to block off the history of the sweat he loses towards saving his future life.
releases liquid but never drips off what really matters,
‘cause he understands the war but ain’t havin’ it.
it's no longer enough to absorb the words of others reminding me of how overwhelming his presence creates a presence in my own,
'cause he got me. and, look,
those beautiful, brown irises have seen the full moon blooming around his dirty steps with its specific light.
my Light, making sure my shadow stays safe till this smile kisses any spot that hasn’t been touched within the last 24 hours.
my mind yells all day and night because of this in my life,
reverberation all over temples built to breath and relax and find what i’m looking for as I listen to myself,
mixing a feeling of all of you.
satisfied don’t even begin.
I’m glowing as a woman in love, swearing good words.
alls a sudden it’s not oh fuck,
it’s oh FUCK, oh GOD!
this fucking fool keeps my smile purified, filtering these dirty thoughts to be
justified by minor romantics,
motivation perked the motions of time to continue onwards till life do I part,
and listeners,
these are the rhymes that I’m obliged to birth. My love child poem.
I don’t want to know if there ever will be a comedown from this happy flight.
finally,
it’s happened to me,
someone to fight with, instead of just fight for.
these guns I’ve crafted glow rusty, this amnesty has passed an unquestionable legislation,
simply every gear in me turns yes for your respect
and, love, all I ever really ask for is time.
time to save the bullets since peace is never ceratin,
and I sense you’re my perma friendly fire.
don’t let me hurt you to simply feel more.
understood that this adventure is about describing emotions in a believable way.
time spent with me to realize it’s us that I love, not just you, and no longer just me.

all the little tidbits i've saved in the notepad of my phone put together in a less awkward mess than when i found them....probably still work on this one a bit more.

wake up, wake up.

from the longest blink to a barrage of rapid ones
you submerge into a conscious state
descending from dreaming as you rise from bed
about to live a new day.

but will you really 'live'?

some believe that nearly all function as zombies
living each day like tomorrow's already promised
simply getting by without any bucket listings accomplished
that maybe we wake up with our blind eyes widely shut
making leaps of faith that land us on our butts
and the fact that many move this way is upsetting
making decisions destined for future regretting.

if you're one of those believes, simply try:

why walk slowly by when you can fly with greatness
to beautiful places.
sing with mayer hawthorne's soul + spit with maya del valle's sincerity
make beautiful beats like j.d. (james 'dilla' yancey), not the whiskey man from tennessee
basically, i want you to become more heavenly
because when you wake up, anything's possible
and though something truly amazing usually won't manifest
revel in the infinite opportunity
the limitless chances
the waterfall of raining possibility
and the rain forest of teeming life
waiting for you.

and the next time your day begins
don't forget

to wake up.