burgundy

a boy sits in his pool of ego, draped in a burgundy veil. he speaks with charm and his teeth are dripping with false quotes and morals. the glasses framing his beautiful eyes seem to hide what one should truly see within this individual. and without hesitation, extravagantly phrased, bitter sweet sentences pour from his nicotine stained lungs. his throat box battered to pieces from illness and passion filled arguments. and as he slips witty smirks and clever comments through the lips he uses to poison his victims, his hands firmly grip his arrogance, a child gripping a blanket. other people's creativity strewn across his walls. other people's hopes and dreams come crawling and scraping down the egg shell white paint. eyes darting, stomach growling, lungs burning, heart pumping. and as the words flow from his throat, of how he dreams of her nicotine kisses, and mystereous eyes, and how he would love to spend a day in her embrace, his mind wanders through the forests of women he had come to know all too well. oh, but how her head fit so well against his collar bone and chest. his smile tells secrets no one should know, but only to those who care to take a closer look. the sky pours and all he can do is pick leaves off a tree. but she loved the way they smelled, she loved the way he smelled. he coughs up old smoke and more lies. the illness eating away at his lungs, and heart. eating away at her heart, but who's to say which endeared others more. the skies turn grey, the leaves fall, and she falls.

first time painting since high school...

this is the first time i started painting since high school..well i only painted once or twice but im trying to expand my mediums.
but did this all today so bored had time to myself...hope you enjoy!

An excerpt from “The Scholar’s War”

To my modern day Esau

Woe and misery is all what is left for me

My only, my modern, my blessed Esau,

For neither did Abraham, to God his flesh and blood too,

Or the Spirit condemned on Golgotha, I believe,

Gave a greater sacrifice, my blessed Esau.

Lament with me, for our fate should have been clear:

Namesake not, but by conviction alone I fear

Sealed our lives, the stage built, the play written.

Patriarchal absence, blinded by strange women,

Maternal uselessness, muddled by alcohol sheer.

Tried our hardest, however, did we.

I turned inward, found peace within the soul

And cultivated the mind, filling those holes.

You turned outward, developing strongly,

And those gaps, instead of searching, destroyed them whole.

Then came those mechanical horseman, we saw

That quartet bring fire and brimstone,

Called upon by sisters Politica and Justica.

Divided we became, I in my ivory tower’s tome,

You in your metal bronzed goddess Arma.

Then the roll calls and warrants came,

Dragging us into a period of martial bane.

You plundered, you shot, you killed,

Many a mind, painted a terrorist, your ilk billed.

We in our towers, you in your bases,

Dismissing us to the numbers of nameless

Death tolls in the name of sameness.

Is it no surprise we took your same arms,

Tired of the futility of pacifist charms

And silver tongue talks?

Myself I joined a ragtag brigade,

Doctors, lawyers, teachers, librarians, they made

And planned offenses, defenses, strategies;

Futile it would be, as what could you

In our hard press times expect us to do

With mere arrows and slings compared

To your cannons and metal horses

Announcing death at every street corner

Once populated with mothers, daughters,

Now filled with the dead, numbers rising.

And there you stood. I laughed at fate herself,

Eternity passed even before we heard the bell.

You, my only flesh and blood left standing,

My first comrade, my blood comrade.

You turned, looked at me. The tears I could see

Ran down as minutes turned into hours,

Hours into days and days into nights.

Yet only half minutes passed.

Before you pulled the trigger.

Christ couldn’t have made a greater sacrifice.

the positive motivating force within my life

To Creativity:
You’re the positive motivating force within my life.
You’re the retrospect to my introspect
Sometimes I don’t understand your dialect, but
Respect.
You’re what I think of outside the box.
You welcome change with open arms.
With an open mind, I try to find that strength within me.
To break through ignorant uninformed barriers,
Delve into the unknown,
Dabble with a pure form
Of peaceful resistance.
Don’t get me wrong though, you are a true renegade.
You are a voice for the underdog, the force for the minority.
You stand up for those that step up and not step in
To bullshit.
And without you there’d be no CHANGE in THE WORLD,
no diversity, no complexity.
There’d be no collective exchange of brilliant ideas,
no minds overflowing with thoughts of a passionate cause
Or no finding of ones very own self.
Because you teach us how to appreciate, share and educate
And reach those everyday epiphanies.
So, creativity,
Should you ever feel the need to wonder why,
Let me know

Etymology of Homicidal Prologues

Clean lines scrape past your face into the depth of your relationships
Clean outlines the borders of this morality
It’s nice to finally meet you
In morally neutral terms, “I have committed homicide”

It’s simple
It describes my [re]introduction to you
It’s the conclusion of you
It describes the void I’ll create of you

Murder is messy/obnoxious/exaggerated
Morality meets outrage for the first time
It’s nice to finally meet you
Justifiable in a [temporarily] insane criminal’s mind

Crisp linen sheets become disheveled
Meeting you for the first time reminds me of the first time
Awkward/opaque/homicidal
Romanticized rape fantasies

Meeting you for the first time feels good

my first awkward slow dance

like a maverick i had the target on lock
goose had the ugly duckling
everything set, i walked over
reciting the lines i've been whispering
under my breath ever since i bought my ticket

"do you want to dance?"
i asked the floor beneath her feet

i hear a yes.
i look up with a smile
slightly more confident
longing since the first day of class
to extend my arms just slightly above her as..waist
the insides of my elbows tickled
from the cool gym air
as the scent of her hair
tingled those of my nose
and i know she was feeling
the cologne i borrowed from dad's cabinet.

and we danced circles
counterclockwise i think
as i admired the architecture of my gym
that was so beautiful it made my skin cry
hoping she didn't notice
the nervous wiping motion
against her back
i shot an awkward smile to distract her
and she looked down in horror
and i looked down in horror
cause the f-16 tomcat
launched an unauthorized missile attack

blank

reality is the obstruction of distortion. daily occurrences rereflected throughout the caverns of our eyes and sifted through brainwaves are interpreted in our own ways. these relative realities cause schisms in what the perception of reality really is. standing over is not equivalent to understanding. social discrepencies in codes of ethic deter the mind from making absolute decisions and the norms found in society often cloud the vision of the optic nerves. sexuality evolving and chemistry brewing in between the late night conversations and early morning wake up calls appropriate into a mass of instantaneous love and lust. swayed easily by those eyes. my mind stumbles and wanders through the dark, hence the scattered thoughts being spewed upon the page. unintelligable talk written in advanced wording. plagues of blackness overtake my eyes and i drift into sleep and dreams, i think, or perhaps this is reality. the blank black mist or maybe the vague and desensitized dreams. either way, this reality is slipping away into the ______.

Fruition.newness, dream.magic

Come together,
fall into place,
follow through,
resolution,

Fantastic idea.
i've been searching for you.
upon pain-staked prowling
through my brain's dendrites
in hopes of accomplishing insight
to the explicitly excruciating delight
that my thoughts and peace of mind
rarely come across,
you touch me soft.

Almost like a random force of nature,
just like acts of divine intervention,
or the chances of my odds getting evened out with the lotto..
truly like witnessing a miracle meant to hollow out my
internal and external conflicts
all simultaneously,
you came to me.

Upon your presence,
do i turn a new leaf?
shun you sadly like some blue thief?
I could take the path meant for the advanceless,
+ entertain my common ideas, leave you taken for granted;
so sick of sharing this instance only with myself, keeping it candid..


I've just gotta share you with everyone!
the anticipation kills me and fills me with bursting pleasure,
you hit me heavy as hay makers do but light as a pillow,
will you be accepted? will you be rejected?
maybe only Heaven will know,
despite my anxiety of preeminent failure,
hope for you to flourish will still grow.

So defiant of convention and not stripped of your purity,
you bridge the gap of missing links
focus the blurred obscurity,
and simply make me think.
make me laugh with your ingenious wit,
pause to take you all in after i sit,
push me to strive higher for the clouds i'm aiming to land in;

You've got me.
got me fascinated with your possibilities,
sinking into your surround-sound blanket of clarity,
cleverly smiling to the comfort and improvement you've put into movement,
showered me in your raindrops of reality and promises staying kept;
because for so long i've wept
in asking my entire universe for an answer,
and you've finally, finally appeared
to me as i slept.

she's worth the trouble

Thank you for everything you’ve done for me
thanks to u, now I have strength to move on
move on to a better life
I will never forget you my first true love

You came to my world and prove to me that love existed
when I didn’t have hope, you came and brought joy in my life
swear you could’ve been my perfect wife
but perfection you were not
You were real, devoted, sweet, true, passionate to me
but in the end you left me
but I never thought that I could be
the one u called “beautiful”
never thought that I could be someone’s prince Aladdin
knowing that all my life I’ve been searching for my princess Jasmine

No one really gave me a chance but you
so this love thing, I didn’t have any clue
nobody took the time to teach me what love was but you
so I thank you,

Thank you for the moments we had
whether it was good or bad
at the end of the night we had each other smiling
holding each other until the morning come
I remember that day I gave you my heart
we cried 2gether looking at each other eyes
knowing that nothing could tear us apart
but it did…..

I don’t know maybe I wasn’t good enough
cuz our relationship was kinda rough
but you were always so tough
when everyone told you to leave me for them
cuz I was so shorter than all of them
but you said “he mite be short but he got the biggest heart”

We’ve grown on each other as the days went by
when I was with you, my face, I would never sigh
finally!!!!! someone got a smile out of me
the feeling I had inside me was so amazingly, truly lovely

Now it’s over……
you’re gone and I’m left here without my heart
you are my heart and you have my heart and I cant live without my heart
but I have to….

So I stand here today listening to our song by j. valentine
wondering was she really worth the trouble???
my answer is yes she was
every single day of every single month, she was worth it
thank you for loving me and everything you’ve given me
now I’m setting you free….
setting myself free…
Goodbye my love
never forget everything we shared

I love you…….my princess jasmine

The door

I don’t get why your gone
I don’t get why our relationship is over and done
I don’t get why your not here by my side
I don’t get why you lied
thinking to myself did our relationship just died?

I sit here alone thinking if I should pretend 2 be happy or should I just cry
I sit here thinking to myself why am I asking questions starting with why
why did she, why does she, why is she like this and that
but think about it……..do you really want her back?

maybe its your time to live your life
maybe its your time to grow up
maybe all this kiddy stuff…........u juss had enuff
maybe you need to let her go
in order to enter that door

The door that will lead you to the light
a path that wont let you be alone at night
a path that will lead you to your salvation
all you have to do is pray and have faith
and den you’ll be granted with a great vacation

This is what you deserve
not the life of sadness and depression
yea maybe she’s an obsession
but never loose your concentration
let her go and get back on track in order to receive your salvation

its your turn to be rewarded with happiness
in the past I’ve done bad…..
Yes, I confess
but its never too late to get back up and walk….
Walk towards that door
that door where you will find your true happiness

raindrops.

she was so tired of leaving words unspoken
in remembrance of she, i can stand up
and smear across memories all that i feel should be

...heard.

speak easy
speak strong
speak neither short nor long
just speak what is natural
fall from your lips
like raindrops
or a kiss

the sky cried for you
and left my life damp with no umbrella
no protection from a life understanding
that now...we had the lack of
your eyes quietly blinking past the minutes
that i forgot to appreciate more
when you were around

there are no apologies left to say
nor were there any in the first place
either way
you sleep soundly beneath my feet
each time i give you a bouquet of roses
because even when you cease to breathe
you still deserve that...

i have come to understand
that your beauty knows no bounds
knows no life nor death
it lives beyond trees
and speaks louder than words
it speaks so easily
so strongly
neither short nor long
it is so amazingly natural

it made raindrops fall from my eyelids
and i blew a kiss to the wind
to say my last goodbye, my dearest friend...



rest.in.peace. my little, but bigger, sister
Melissa Anne Vitug
04.24.86 - 09.03.07

kMel. i love you always.

experiment2

pen + pencil + brown paint pen = scribbles experiment

counterpoint

life's worth living, love's worth giving. heart's all giddy, lung's all shitty. days full of regret, nights full of pressing reset. pixelated nostalgia reintegrates paranoia. paranoia in a good sense of the word. it keeps me on my toes. helps me to achieve my life's goals. permeates the existance of my whims and woes. i dream of knocking the shit out of my foes, so i carry my verbal shank to a knifefight, but i don't how to flip it out and use it right. i carry my literal shank through life's limelight because i never know when i might need it. i have what is necessary, the basic essentials. friends, family, money and feed. it's just the greed that seeps from my being that makes me wish i had those things i've been seeing. phone vibrating and ringing, and my soul singing. heart's still beating. minds still reading thoughts and putting them to blank canvas through verbal, hardcopy, or sloppy erasermarked drawings. the back left side of my head is pounding with pain and my eyes are hellishly strained, but i keep typing away because i have these thoughts on my brain. everything kind of fits together in the long run, like that puzzle with all blue pieces and only one way to finish it. piecing this life together is a hell of a ride. i'm on the top of the largest drop, or maybe halfway down, i can't tell. bombs explode around the world, but i'm safe over here in my little corner, unable to sleep with this marathon mind, making a million miles a minute.

same story

rocksteady rhythm pulsing in my body and yet my heart beats to a different tune. one of deceit and pain and love and hate. oxymoronic antonymous mysteries send spasmic rhythms through my synapses (held together and kept from snapping by your word, which was all i held onto, which is all you forgot and let die.) you lied when you whispered that night, you lied and hid your hypocricy in the broad daylight. never say never when you really mean forever. only say what you mean and never utter that which is bullshit. not in my ear. not in my heart. not in my life, thanks. profuse perspiration brings a drop down my cheek from the corner of my eye. finally a feeling similar to that of crying. i'm scanning the distance, over the heads, i'm spying. watching for that same game and those lame antics. every heartbeat sends me spiraling. every glance and every soft touch sends me into another cavern deep in my mind. sparks of hatred fly. but are oddly perceived as love and, just a little, i die. look, i was right. it's the same ol' story...word for word. cliche per cliche.

llamas, oranges & l.s.c.

here i am.. again.. greeting the sun with open arms. actually.. tonight is different (or shall i say morning). despite my usual apathetic disposition towards my insomnia, i'm finding myself hating it altogether. i may even go as far as to say that i loathe the very core of the beast. then again, loathe is a strong word. perhaps too strong. for those of you who can relate to these, usually enoyable, sleepless hours, will also relate to how arduous the task of actually sleeping is. yes, i know i'm talking all crazy hoo-diddle, but listen, it's five something in the morning, and quite frankly, i really don't give a shit right now. back to the topic. there will always be something that calms my restlessness, whatever it may be; however, it seems as though tonight, being somewhat unique in it's own way.... i guess. ("you have a lovely soul" a.d.d. much? ) seems to have no relief.. to my knowledge. the usuals: the sound of fish tank filters, the slight murmur of television stars, begging to be heard, yet still, are only used as a deliverance from these lost dreams.. maybe some mellow tunes, also at a whisper..... even more so, a lover's heart beat. and as i lay on a make-shift bed in the computer/music room, with many options open to use as my lullaby, i find no release. and this, being quite an astonishment, troubles me deeply. they usually work, when most needed. i lay there, a deep "thump, thump-thump, thump-thump" echos through my ears. a usual melody that would put me into a deep slumber. and tonight... with absolutely no vindication for this restlessness whatsoever, i sit here, talking to you. and anyone who gives a damn. i almost spelled it "damb". and as i tried so hard to keep my eyes shut, squeezing my eye lids with all my might, i just couldn't find myself enjoying the same bliss as the individual beside me. you shouldn't have to try so hard to get forty winks in before 6:00AM.. and right now, i shouldn't be on my computer. nonetheless, that is how it is, and that is where i am. (and i know i change tenses, i'm a time traveler, so what.) wanting to sleep so badly, to just stay in these repetitious, yet, beautiful dreams, anknowing, it just won't happen. it's nearly heart breaking. it's an odd feeling. especially being at such a late time period. perhaps it's the surface in which i'm laying on. being too lazy to fix the bed up, we tossed sheets and comforters on the ground below us. perhaps the ground is too flat, too consistent. i would prefer it be more forgiving to the weight and shape of my body. to flow with each toss and turn throughout the night. to be different as you move you legs beneath the bed coveres. mmm... i would hardly call that a justified reasoning at all. on the other hand, as i lower my computer screen, and crawl back into the blankets piled on one another, i know eventually i will drift into slumber, with no worries, thoughts, stress, queries... only rest. a soothing extrication consisting of llamas, oranges, and lucky strike brand cigarettes.

me

life has placed before me struggles and troubles that i should not have endeared at such an influential age, but God permitted my heart to accept reality for what it was, and for my will to be strengthened for future obstacles that would attempt to surmount my faith. for this, i find myself at a continuous struggle between adolescence and adulthood, ensuing in an ironically balanced personality consisting of blissfully innocent immaturity and understanding beyond the typical 17 year old’s mentality and heart. my past mistakes have taught me harsh and unforgettable lessons that merely instill in my mind that i am only human. failure will arise from moment to moment, but the act of giving up should by no means be chosen.

blessings come in all shapes and sizes, quantities and qualities, all of which should be used accordingly. i myself have been blessed with an extraordinarily immense amount of learning capabilities that i intend to utilize to my benefit on a daily basis. i believe the blessings you have received from God should be used constantly and worked at until immaculately and enduringly improved, causing development and eccentricity in the inimitable character portrayed through your actions and speech.

the distinctive confidence that i attain within and for myself inspires me to continue toward the progression of a bright future not only in this world but that of in heaven. my willingness to be open about who i am and what i am all about is the consequence of years of trials and tribulations that i have endured for the sake of strength and endurance. all of this causing an appreciation for both the most minute and colossal things in life, therefore marking my entity with undeniable compassion and love.

the privilege of waking up to a new day should in no way or manner be taken for granted, nor should the people you love and trust be forgotten or never catered to. cherish your friends and loved ones and the moments you spend on each one. time is of the essence and memories will never fade, so surrender your time and make memories. live each day as though it were your first, with an enthusiasm to breathe and a willingness for surprises. for you will fail to recognize the day that will be your last, so live as though the day blessed upon you is new.

a prayer

when i realized that i express myself better and more accurately sometimes when i write, i would sometimes write down my prayers, instead of just saying them. so i stumbled upon this one i wrote on 07.03.07. i don't even remember writing it and i'm not sure if it makes sense, but i just thought i'd share...

---------------------------

i sleep to forget, almost
my god
what am i trying to forget?

dearest father in heaven,
when did this world become so complicated...
and emotions become so conflicting?
i don't mean to bring more questions in prayer
i humbly pray, father, for more clarity.
often, i don't understand the days that pass...
the incidents that spark the newest tingles in my spine

please, god, don't forget me.
please don't leave me in my confusion...
instead i wish to live a life
strengthened and brightened by the presence of you...
days that represent more than a life lost in stupor
wondering what the point of life's time is.

i understand more now, dear god
that this world will all pass away
slipping through the creaks
of my broken apologies and tears
laughter and obvious smiles i couldn't hide

for all these beautiful days --
i offer my still continuing life
my heart wholly
my soul still often dampened by sorrows
-- but still alive with hope
and my mind
still awake with the reminders
of your guiding words
still touched
by you...

my god
i know you're there
amidst the days that never seem to end
and in between my hiccups of laughter
father, i have so much faith
you are in everything
and this much, father
i DO know.
i am not confused
i am sure.

so i ask for your love
to always strengthen me in days i may forget
more faith when i am too human to remember
and always, if you still love me...
please, keep me in your thoughts
please remember me...

amen.