i just want to win you over everyday after my mouth makes filth outta your ears,
with things intangible like love and its opposites, kindness, brutal honesty (i will tell you when i'm fucking pissed and i will tell you when i'm in the wrong. fuck me.), and the excitement of doubt.
regrets may vary,
but you ought to know,
i'd join the dark side to preserve this feeling, if i felt that it would.
i hope that means something to you.




happy new year! :]

mmm (a haiku)

my heart's different
it's white, round and baked. and filled
with bbq'ed pork

Lama Sabachthani

when i'm lucky enough to dream, i dream in two bar loops.

1…2...
eight counts to infinity.
not enough time to slay
the devil within me.
3…4...
i clung to thee
but now cling to the
memories of the me
5…6...
married to divinity.
knuckles bare white
i can't fathom letting go.
7…8....
i wait for revolution.
and it comes
every eight counts
1...2...

redredred.

In search of...

validation
my vanity finds the right vein with the intentions
of shooting up yr attention
these track marks are landmarks
thrown darts of warm hearts
beatboxing
in synchronization
in stimulation

in simulation

i master the high
plastered before my master's two eyes
escape a sigh from the laughter that rain from the sky
and decipher why's from the flames that reign from the lie
i lie and breathe easy
for brief moments i am at peace
i lie and breathe easy
i lie and breathe
i lie.

Poetry is not the path to pussy...pussy.

i was told once that
women hate to be a man's fantasy

to be valued by her role
in the idea of love
to be placed in a position
of high expectation
to be given more than give

that shit makes me scared to write poetry

i'm a romantic
who's life calling
is to manifest fantasies
into living, breathing, realities

but more often than not, that's just hustling backwards

so i keep still, let nature take it's course, and i'll see you when yr red(e)

sketchy freewrite

totally sketchy freewrite but hey, had to get it out

i remember when he told me that we weren't meant to be
i didn't want to believe it
so i didn't
but in time i realized this pain was so real
he had to be right
so i left...
we were opposite in heart
so we headed opposite directions

but i never could understand it
i had yet to learn to unlearn him
forget the feel of his palm in my hand
or the way his mouth would stay open when he was sincerely shocked
or to pretend i didn't notice his nervous jokes
i had yet to learn to unlearn knowing him all too well
because he told me it was all too much
and no, things weren't all good...

and finally it hits
but the pain of the impact isn't as it used to be
because when we used to be
all i knew was he
he, who shined me past my flaws
he, who knew me past my walls
but then i learned that it was he...
i had to shine him past me
my life can't sustain him anymore

...so that's what he meant
when he said it wasn't meant to be

so finally when it hit
i finally understood
it wasn't meant to be
he was just right
so i left
but in actuality
we were one in heart
holding up the rainbow from opposite sides
watching miracles collapse into our dreams
balancing the beautiful existences
exactly what was meant to be
even though it wasn't "we"

like this.

it's been four years since i last told you "happy birthday"
four years since i've seen your smile
even though i can still remember how it was kinda crooked
four years since i told you i didn't want to be your girlfriend
but stood by your side anyway
and though it's been four years
i still haven't found a good enough way to say it
so forget reality
i'm just gonna say it like this...

i think you're an idiot.
for leaving me the way you did
all stranded and helpless
standing next to your grave without even a goodbye
i want to tell you that you're a jerk
for never giving me a heads up
never telling me ahead of time that you decided to leave us so soon
you're a liar talking about the future
i think you already knew you weren't going to stick around for much longer
i want to scream at you for leaving
and i want to hug you to make up for these past four years that i've missed you
i cry at the thought of you
and you invade my thoughts at the worst times
like now
so i'ma just tell you straight
like this

you may have been the biggest mistake of my life
that i'll learn to never regret
and deep down i know that i'll never forget the scars you left
because no matter how deep they got
no matter how timeless they'll be
they're among my most beautiful memories
and i'm forever changed
nevertheless grateful
and utterly speechless
in four years
i've still struggled for the right words to say it
and so it's unfortunate, i can only say it like this

...i just miss you.
i'm so close to wishing you were still around
but i accept the fact that you passed
and belong in my past
you asked me once about destiny
and if you were mine
all those hints and clues you left
i'm still struggling with the fact that you never told me straight
and so you just left me
like this.

My California Gold Rush

Got bored at work. It's just a little crush :)

Your feature’s a glare in the puddle,
waiting for me to jump in it’s time.
Engulf my spirit through a teleporting, disco tunnel,
you’ve already swept my feet while I’m
holding for dear grip through
vivid, checkered swirls - red, blue, purple..
Across the universe, I’m stitched,
around the circles and glitches.
You are
so irresistible, that I’m unwilling.
Questions to save it for a next lifetime?
Cuz it feels so good it hurts so much,
how your cranium is a gold mine
waiting for me to dig deep in.
Your mentality is but a fortune!
May I be your niner when the chips lean?
I’ll sail for days through your brain’s crevices
my journey in covered wagons for perpetual bliss,
construct railroads, to bridge a kiss
above waters an award exists -
you’re my California gold rush, it’s so evident.

freewrite (untitled)

always make new mistakes, thats what i was told.
the great minds of our generation and our generations’ pasts didn’t hold to popular belief.
they lived a life of their own.
they made a life of their own.
they sat in cafe’s listening to the rush, gush and bullshit of other people’s lives and in complete solitude understood that each blade of grass was beautiful.
great minds became great through their journeys with sex, dugs, & rock and roll.
contemplations of jazz and blues, smoking trees wrapped up in sheet music just so they can inhale each rhythm into their own lungs.
they cliff dive, bungee jump, and climb the highest structures just to say they did because experience is life’s greatest teacher.
and this teacher taught them to end each day with a new story to add to their book.

always make new mistakes, that’s what the great minds told me.
fuck the fall and how painful it can get.
as long as you get back up again, its worth all the tears, blood, and sweat.
great minds became great through the cold steel of handcuffs across their wrists after drunken nights of trying to steal cop cars, only to find their body leaning against one.
mistakes made left and right, it’s no wonder great minds think alike. they go hand in hand.

always make new mistakes, great minds once said that.
it’s not about learning from you’re past, but inventing your own history.
i’ve got text to do that, but none that can live for me.
i want to wake up at the age of 85 and have all my grandchildren listen in and think that i lived a great life.
i want the lowest of the lows so i can appreciate the highest of the highs.
i don’t want to watch history unfold in front of me, i want to hold on for my life as the folds unravel.
great minds became great through absorbing each second for it’s worth.
turning gravel and dirt into piles of gold just to say that they’re richer than earth.
and when the world stops spinning, great minds will make each mistake wisdom for it’s predecessors.
and their lives will be the spark to a new mind of a new generation.

no longer just me.

i forgot how sexy this type of talking, this well thought burst projection makes me feel.
bare skin on point, freshly cut grass,
and the dirty shit that sticks to me just makes what revolves around your head
from the source of these parted lips fuckin’ clean.
and, it’s gotta sound mean, the rawness of me yelling at these eyes that have witnessed the hate of the world stackin’ around him like boulders that man technoed into houses and cities.
it seems to block off the history of the sweat he loses towards saving his future life.
releases liquid but never drips off what really matters,
‘cause he understands the war but ain’t havin’ it.
it's no longer enough to absorb the words of others reminding me of how overwhelming his presence creates a presence in my own,
'cause he got me. and, look,
those beautiful, brown irises have seen the full moon blooming around his dirty steps with its specific light.
my Light, making sure my shadow stays safe till this smile kisses any spot that hasn’t been touched within the last 24 hours.
my mind yells all day and night because of this in my life,
reverberation all over temples built to breath and relax and find what i’m looking for as I listen to myself,
mixing a feeling of all of you.
satisfied don’t even begin.
I’m glowing as a woman in love, swearing good words.
alls a sudden it’s not oh fuck,
it’s oh FUCK, oh GOD!
this fucking fool keeps my smile purified, filtering these dirty thoughts to be
justified by minor romantics,
motivation perked the motions of time to continue onwards till life do I part,
and listeners,
these are the rhymes that I’m obliged to birth. My love child poem.
I don’t want to know if there ever will be a comedown from this happy flight.
finally,
it’s happened to me,
someone to fight with, instead of just fight for.
these guns I’ve crafted glow rusty, this amnesty has passed an unquestionable legislation,
simply every gear in me turns yes for your respect
and, love, all I ever really ask for is time.
time to save the bullets since peace is never ceratin,
and I sense you’re my perma friendly fire.
don’t let me hurt you to simply feel more.
understood that this adventure is about describing emotions in a believable way.
time spent with me to realize it’s us that I love, not just you, and no longer just me.

all the little tidbits i've saved in the notepad of my phone put together in a less awkward mess than when i found them....probably still work on this one a bit more.

wake up, wake up.

from the longest blink to a barrage of rapid ones
you submerge into a conscious state
descending from dreaming as you rise from bed
about to live a new day.

but will you really 'live'?

some believe that nearly all function as zombies
living each day like tomorrow's already promised
simply getting by without any bucket listings accomplished
that maybe we wake up with our blind eyes widely shut
making leaps of faith that land us on our butts
and the fact that many move this way is upsetting
making decisions destined for future regretting.

if you're one of those believes, simply try:

why walk slowly by when you can fly with greatness
to beautiful places.
sing with mayer hawthorne's soul + spit with maya del valle's sincerity
make beautiful beats like j.d. (james 'dilla' yancey), not the whiskey man from tennessee
basically, i want you to become more heavenly
because when you wake up, anything's possible
and though something truly amazing usually won't manifest
revel in the infinite opportunity
the limitless chances
the waterfall of raining possibility
and the rain forest of teeming life
waiting for you.

and the next time your day begins
don't forget

to wake up.

(by Johnny Datura)

“My visions, dreams, and ideals will never see the light of day, because if they were to be set free. The world would only stone them and cast them aside as talk of the outcasts.

Men claim to seek truth but are held back by their own crusade. The truth they find everyday is truth they may never learn to understand, and because these things are foreign to them, they turn away from the light because it blinds their eyes.

how ironic are these hands of time,

how ironic are these hands of mine."

cuz Eileen told me to =P

I love you
I don't think I told you that enough
matter of fact
and more importantly
I never showed you enough
see we had something that was unmeasurable by wordly standards 
and it was love that could not be contained
it was something to run to, to take off the strain
and I regretfully have to say that it does not remain
anymore
just like the shifting sands of the gobi dessert
or the constantly metling Glaciers of the Antarctic 
we 
have
changed
and again importantly
our love
has
changed
it is the only currency that stays current
like the currents of the ocean
it does not mean I love you less
it just means it's changed
shape shifted
to fit these times we are in
shape shifted
to match the new weve begin
molded and pressed
under the pressure that was straining to keep us together
and I am sorry
for making you endure it.
I am sorry I was never the man you wanted me to be
when I wishes were too little
and words were not enough
that change in me came too late
and our seperation came too soon
I try to stand tall but
my thoughts on I wishes
are becoming heavy weights 
hung around my neck
and it's humbling me to my knees
realizing the consequences of un-thought
through actions
and the re-actions of it all
and all I can do
is look up at you
as I fall

the coupe de grace
as my boyancy
is displaced
and my emotions boil over
spilling out on this page
and I can not numerate
or find the answer 
to my love locked equation.
see the answer I keep getting is zero...
I was searching for that height 
where heaven and earth met
not realizing that was a distance easily
reached between your head and toes
which just goes to show
that love lost is found 
but Right now I'm more at a loss
and with this my heart that I cross
I shall never deny you
of what was rightfully yours 





 

this is an old freewrite i found about a year ago...

10/18/08
6:40 to 6:45pm

my purple skies
never met the sleeves
of night time. The
sun never set in my heart,
maybe thats why the golden
flower still grows on its own island
where it sits quietly singing the
notes of the wind, hopefully it will
reach our ears again, reminding us
that love grows in the beautifullest of places
its just we have to find it where we left it,
Do you remember where we left it? behind the Tree
stump i sprayed it on, under the gravel we traversed through,
swimming on the surface of the waves, lost in the hairs of
paintbrushes, somewhere in evaporated smoke from our lungs, ingredients
to our favorite ice creams, in the caps to our biggest boss sauces,
at the tip of the needle that pleasures our ears at the touch
of vinyl, sleeping in throw pillows, in my transmission switching gears
somewhere on haight scavenging for change
mixing in apple juices and slap my face alcoholic moments
never remembering forgetting phone nights
do you remember where
we left it?
because i know that the clues lie in my heart...
maybe your the last piece...

A Woman Scorn'd: Her feministo [short story piece]

The room is full of smoke. A hazy overcast of unfiltered menthol dreams. It floats above her head resting on her shoulders; shifting its full weight into her and taking her knees for granted.She only weighs so much and the trouble it causes isn’t so much trouble, as it is claustrophobia in the works. It only took a whisper and hot breath of life to sneak into her brain, taking over the mechanics and letting loose within instantaneous moments.

“I’m paralyzed from the soul down”, she says painfully, as she pushes the words from the cracks in the fists. She never knew what she was really getting into. Three months ago seemed liked a walk… in the park…or there about. Her mind slows and catches up with her reaction. Maybe tonight wasn’t the best night to return to your reality. Her bruised trust still has his grip embedded deep in it. She began to question his presence more and more after each return.

“Tell me what you’re thinking”, he encourages. He encourages more then he’s ready for. The room fills with more haze and I wait for someone to open a window or door and let the confusion filter out. Everyone is caught up in their own, and drives on apathetically in their skin.

The dark thoughts reveal the shadows my ancestors wished to hide. It’s us. It’s who we are. It’s the malevolent, grotesque walking reflection of ourselves. Wearing a resemblance of ourselves, once pure but never the same. He was a pyromaniac. She was in the cross fire. Momma always said, "don't play with fire...or you'll get addicted. She may be in her twenties, but her ancestors grow me old. Her family remembers the 23^rd psalm, yet blind to why she is broken. “Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I fear no evil; for you are with me…” In her family, they live together far enough from the city, yet close enough to each other’s demons. Love it. Live with it. Learn from it. She has become accustomed to stories. The babaylan, diwata, and Gabriela. An opaque screen connecting demons and children with angels and adults.

She talks in skeleton terms and ask that you refrain from picking on her funny bone. It’s tough, to say the least, when vultures are perched above her mind ready to swoop on any piece of heritage she compromises and tosses aside. Her shadows are her enemies; and she makes love to them whenever she can. She loves the way the body feels in the nude. Secrets and all. He knows her inside and around. She loves that. There’s no way another could and she appreciates the time it took to do so.

This room is a claustrophobic’s anxiety attack. She tries to leave, but mental games entice her. "What do I do?" manages to escape her mouth. Smoke along side the desolate or go for a ride with my thoughts? she's claustrophobic. I think I’ll take that drive.

"I can't believe you had to wear a skirt today!" Bubbling with excitement, the libations take hold of my neck beckoning a reponse to surface. Playful banter, honest dialogue, and post-dinner laughs compliment lighthearted reminiscences. He looks at me, fumbling for words like he’s playing football with my thoughts. “How can I score a touchdown with her?” he thinks, but not about sex-about redemption and retribution. At least, that’s what I assume. They’ve played this dance before, and every time he wins.

I look back at him, the street lamp piercing in, bouncing off the lake onto my windshield on to his face. I hate that thoughtful stare he has. “You’re so transparent,” I tell him. I knew who he was even though I couldn’t anymore. I trespassed on reliance, raped confidence, and strangled trust.

The raped becomes the rapist.

Fatigued-emotionally, mentally, physically, I forget what I’m saying. Mimicking air, words slip through my teeth. Unaware of the abusive hands they form, I come to. Look at him. Wait for a response. “I need time and space”. Words all too familiar envelop me like a cocoon. “I’ll walk home from here” he continues. I don’t know what I said, but the words blanket me, and like a python start to constrict my chest. Squeezing my neck, so to forebode any speech to rise. The door slams, and the street lamp seem to beam into my car so strong, as to match the anger that wins. Anxiety, fear, confusion flush my face. Every time, anger wins. “I didn’t wear my seat belt,” I think to myself. I didn’t plan on buckling up for a conversation. Now, I know. Maybe I’ll stop driving.

I’m left. Alone. Again.

I can never be honest. I will be left. Alone. Again. I choke up the key that locks my heart, weld it to my wrist, and sentence it to solitary confinement. With a past packed with unfulfilled consequences, she clings on to her pride with terror. “There’s something therapeutic about self-destructing” an ex-best friend once told me. “There’s also something therapeutic about remembering how utterly alone you really are” I realizes. In my past, bad deeds went unpunished. So, this must be retaliation, in karma’s realm. It’s the consequences to my action.There is a action, reaction, consequence [In that cyclical order]. Obviously, I must break the pattern a rapist reaps from it's victims. Rehabilitation and "imprisonment" seems to be in order.

-Jean Tolentino

Palm

won the game of cat and mouse,
too bad cause now it's over.
threesome on the mirror
for your pleasure, but i'm staying sober.
if i've interfered, you've made it clear.
sex driven, hidden, beneath your chin hair.
seven's a good number, but it's been a bad week.
ate a dinner roll just to try to ease the stomach-
pain-i-know your bloodshot eyes may not realize.
tenderize the uncomfortable confrontations with
denial-even tore the seems stitched through your demise.
twelve at night, gas light, time to pull over.

treehouse

here's something i drew for my childhood friend matt. treehouses always remind me of childhood :)

The Longest Second

Legs locked

Crippled and couldn't walk

She made my brain freeze

Couldn't think straight

Then my heart dropped down to my knees

I'd pick it back up to where my heart belongs

But looking in her eyes is inspiration to my song

Every millisecond prolonged

Regrets if I dared to blink

Stuck, awestruck-i'd rather not think

Have all my senses frozen

Beauty so precious and golden

Linked between eye contact

Keeps our souls intact

Although she's 100 feet away

My vision deceiving me, begging my eyes to stay

A conflicting tangible- seen easily so transparently 

Holding tight to this moment - her beauty I see

To surrounding objects, I'm blind

Selective seeing, my Movado's taking its time

Eyes out do every single sun ray

Streaking, gleaming through waters in the bay

But one of us will have to look another way

And look for another day 

Hoping our time hasn't ended

Connected, knowing our hearts blended

One day, maybe, we'll rid the uncertainty

But this second is perfect for me

a couple of parkbench moments-

Time/ people/ multiplying/ footsteps/ crossing
Do they excel too fast for me to acknowledge the ever present beauty of simplicity?
Has humanity overlooked me
As it leaves paper trails of cash and receipts across a tormented dirty pavement,
now a non living earth too late for revival?
Is this abyss our basis for survival?
As the wondering wind blows tugging at the surface of my skin
I ponder the conception of this social genesis
Where cell phones rule over everyday communal interactions
Millions of media images swarming the night sky competing with divinitys stars like an ultra pixilated electric black hole
sweeping across a metropolis.
I long for the return of the morning
with visions of dreams still fresh at thought,
Yesterdays troubles rested on the bedpost
assuring that this is a new day
Life’s lurkin around the curtain waiting for me to unsquint my eyes
Praying for me to see more clearly
not just thru ocular lenses but thru the windows reflecting the visions inside
Where so easily I can find the words, in the perfect language, with the
perfect definition, intention, and auditory inflection to express my wanting to simply connect back
2 one.
& my soul can’t help but ask what can be sweeter than that?
…
In meditative response
I respire
Taking in one more breath of air as I contemplate
our parallel addiction to growth.
Just wanting to be up there
high as the wise trees that hover above me
I long to have a story to tell of my own
My dreams reflect my gratitude, my visions, and positive transformations in life
Wishing to express and record
I save words in loose leaf pocketbooks as chapter beginnings left open to never finish following the pattern of infinity
I hold my palms open to receive and to offer graceful inspiration
continuing a cycle of maintaining balance
And I am learning to help myself
Pennin’ better poems and following thru
my visions of light beyond curious darkness
aware of the beauty found in stars during a true night sky
balance pushes me closer to the horizon to realize that in moments the sun will rise and I must be ready
because who else will but me

LOVIN THE LOVE

Here's something I wrote a couple months back on this lil, fresh jazzy beat. Peace!!

VERSE ONE:
BEEN A LONG ASS TIME WHEN I STARTED WHAT WE HAD
WE WAS SHORTIES IN LOVE, YOUNG HIGH SCHOOL GRADS
COULDN’T OVERCOME THE FUTILE AND PETTY FIGHTS
ARGUMENTS, EGO TRIPS AND ME ALWAYS BEIN RIGHT
SOMETHIN SPECIAL SEEN IN HER SOUL
EVERYDAY GO THE DRAMA, YOU HAD THE STARRING ROLE
BUT THE BURNING FIRE BETWEEN US GOT TOO HOT
IM SORRY UR NOT- UR SORRY, IM NOT
MOVED ON, A BOND, DISMAL, DISTANT AND GONE
MILLION SUNRISES PASSED, A MILLION BREAKADAWNS
THO I KNEW INSIDE WE NEEDED YEARS APART
NOT AN END TO MY BEST FRIEND, SHE ALWAYS HAVE MY HEART
HAD TO DO UR THING, I DO MY THING
FUCKED AROUND WITH THE CONCEPT OF HAVING NO STRINGS
AND I DON’T REMEMBER HALF THEIR NAMES
COULDN’T CARE LESS WHEN THEY ALL ACTED THE SAME


VERSE TWO:
STILL KEPT YOU IN MIND AND I NEVER LET GO
HOPIN ONE DAY WE COULD CONTINUE OUR SHOW
LET ALL OF EARTH AND ALL OF MARS KNOW
ILL PUT ASIDE MY EGO SO WE CAN GROW
AND FINISH WHAT WAS ONCE DIMINISHED
TAHITI, ROME, PARIS, WE COULD TRY VENICE
NEW YORK, LA , OR STAY IN VALLEJO
SHOW U OFF OR SHUTTER THE UTTERS TO STAY LOW
IT DON’T MATTER WHERE WE ARE
ON EARTH, IN WIND, FIRE-SHE MY SHINING STAR
ANOTHER LEVEL, SOULS STAY PARALLEL
MY HEART GETTING CHOKED LIKE LATRELL SPREWELL
BUT IM LOVIN THE LOVE YOU GOT FOR ME
HOLD IT TIGHT ON EVERY ARTERY
ASHAME HOW OTHER FOOLS KEEP PASSIN YOU BY
NOT TO ME-DON’T WANT U ON THAT PHARCYDE
NO REASON TO FIGHT IT, NO REASON TO HIDE IT
EYES SHINE BRIGHT AND GOT ME BLINDSIGHTED
PILLOW TALK, DISCOVERIN YA SOUL AND LISTENIN
EYES CLOSED, YET THE RADIANCE IS STILL GLISTENIN


VERSE THREE:
PURELY POSSESED, LEAVIN A TRAIL OF TRANQUILITY
CAN’T LIVE WITH EM, CANT KILL EM BUT SHE FEELIN ME
AINT GON MISS THIS SECOND OPPORTUNITY
LETS BLOSSOM ETERNALLY SO WILLINGLY
YOU WORTH IT, LETS LET IT UNEARTHEN
MY PLAYER WAYS WASHED AWAY LIKE DETERGENT
TIME IS NOW, TAKE A SEAT ON YA THRONE
WEAR YA CROWN, HOLD IT AS YOUR OWN
LIGHTS FILL EVERY ROOM WITH YA PRESENCE
GIFTED BY GOD, EASILY GOT THE ESSENCE
OF SOMETHIN SO BEAUTIFUL SO SPECIAL
OUT OF THIS WORLD LIKE AN EXTRATERRESTRIAL
LIKE ET DID KIDS, YOU CAPTURED MY HEART
BRING OUT THE SUPERMAN LIKE LOIS AND CLARK
SHE LOVE MY HEROIC FLOW AND SWAG
ALWAYS A PLAYER? I GIVE HER THE WHITE FLAG


HOOK:
I’M LOVIN THE LOVE YOU GOT FOR ME
LET’S FLY AWAY FOR THE WHOLE WORLD TO SEE
WE COULD MAKE THIS OUR OWN MOVIE
MY FANTASY TURNED REALITY
I’M LOVIN THE LOVE YOU GOT FOR ME
A BOND SHARED SO NATURALLY
SO MUCH POTENTIAL, SO MUCH BEAUTY
NO MORE DARK DAYS, THESE DAYS ARE SUNNY

a good fit.

[freewrite]

i feel like i'm bursting outta my skin
just to remember when my bones felt solid
i'm struggling to feel like breathing's gonna take me places
instead i find myself living from inhale to exhale
forgetting everything that ensued inbetween
forgetting i had aims to pursue something inbetween

and in the middle of all of this chaotic noise
i find myself struggling to hear your echos
distorted in all of this mess of a life
confused up in a language i forgot to study more

i'm tied up and tired of tying loose ends
just so i feel connected at the end of the day
but i'll admit, i was hardly ever well put together
just barely catching myself after i trip and slip up
making missteps with this heavy heart pulling me down

and in the middle of all this quiet inner insanity
i'm on a mission to make amends
my heart and my head have got to make up their mind
let reason coincide with the unreasonable heart of mine
i've got this
i'm down for all the uncertainty i'm pursuing here
in the middle of a struggle to remember a time and a place
a good fit where we made good sense
and maybe in the end of it
i won't have to keep tying our loose ends together
days when we couldn't make it make sense
days when the struggle was impossible to cure
but my heart knows better
i know our time has passed and i'm lost looking for that spot
that place we belonged

i don't know where you fit now
but i know your memory is tucked safely away
in my past.
and now (for now)
...that makes complete sense.

Don't Oppress My Ovaries

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The Fabric of our Lives

Such a hero

An American Hero

Bought a dream today

Intricately decorated patterns

Seams seemingly pieced together peace by peace

What’s the point?  Needle point

Weaving together through time

 

Such a hero

An American Hero

Feeding her his sweat and leaving her a sea men would do that too

“Boom Boom?” left her a beating palpitate through her

breaking the seams

torn open

her eyes glistening over

Another day like this, like this, like this

Seams seemingly fall apart at what it seams to be tomorrow’s count

Such a hero

An American Hero

A seamstress, we’ve all become

Let’s sew it back together

Sew, sew me how

Let’s.

dontoppressmyovaries.blogspot.com

blue skies fly by as i wonder why
whether what i do is worthwhile
or if its just my
way to cope with the past
or to avoid being mad, it's sad how

gray skies stand still forever until
i find a reason to climb hills
and find the one whereby
i rise above gray skies
and clear my gray mind, and yet

i rise and i fall, too often it seems
sun beams through clouds not often enough
or... maybe i'm wrong
maybe it's the way i wear shades all day
to stop the sun flow

i miss my brothers. i miss my sisters.
i hide behind walls of silicon
anonymous my name, forgetting my game
reason to live is to escape the flame
hide from what is, deny what exists

but this is a mistake.

i shut you out with a smile and a nod
a friendly motherfucker, but by god
you try to get close i clam up in shell
i feed you information to bring us together
i can't help it, but i can't decide whether
these bits are true and if thats what i really am

everybody knows me better than i know myself.
why, then, am i not letting them help me?
i'm just a blind person performing surgery.
it's a lonerectomy, trying to remove the part of me
that gives up, that hides away.

tomorrow brings another bright sky
bright sky hangs high as i wonder why
whether what i do means something
or if it's just my way to move on
or if i'm just standing still.

still up

the headache from no sleep...lurks.
there it stands, there it waits insecure.
perched atop a mellow tree that always bends
all friends, all family are poked by fall bark ends.

the wind will blow then the tree will sway,
just to bother all others along the haze.
the line of few amidst the maze,
will be tapped by the tree to see clouds above daze
night shall descend into a offering of new light
9 nimbus brain sights just play out whats right.
the rest is just at best...all hype,

so...1 will come forth and challenge the sadness.
worried through signs from a morning dream's practice
whats the madness all mean from just an idle question.
when the session is with an idol from which I have gained an obsession.
keep searching the lesson on why she was mentioned
yes, that person where love lost and leaving had been destined...


"Confusion Over Dreams..."

strive

a goodbye gift for my friend ljay ricardo :)

project completed with help from andrew ibarra

been a while, huh. ohhh scribbling...

on the way home from school.

the crosswalk times shorter across the highway.
i know these buses won't take me directly to you, but this city is small and i'm worthy even if i'm still paying off my dues.
i'm travelling linear, packing light. got those dirty soles beneath each step,
and all i can think is someday, without you,
this soul will have to walk the ends towards other destinations.
right now, i don't even mind our sometimes repetition,
this girl's got low tolerance for shit like that.
but, i don't look back and i know this trail i go runs down, sunken deep, and,
shit, i'm comin' home.
tired arms around me,
nothing sweet in our insults, fuck,
i can't get a nice word across when all i wanna give you is all the fuckin' romantic things that'll make you wanna hold me, kiss me, throw me in bed, and make you want to wake up next to my side of the world, wherever i am, whenever i am, for however long i am, till love do we start day in and night out.
you're insulting and i'm repulsive, but we smile, big, wide,
something sugary tingling through our tongues, anyway.
and, i must love you, 'cause you have some of my biggest pet peeves.
these footprints, asking me when the hot sun shines on them,
cries for me when the rain fills them up and threatens to wash away evidence of this blooming dedication,
and, if it snowed in san francisco, i'm sure i'd hear the question in every little flake filling up my tiny footprints that lead to you,
will i ever want someone else as much as i do you?
the 22, J, L, and N lines, the fuckin' 28, 16th & mssion, balboa, civic center, taxi! taxi!!
my moving, happy feet.
so many options to find you.

Come back...

Here's a little something I've written. It might not be much but its a start on my road to recovery hehe. Written to Say You Will (instrumental)-Kayne West

I live in a fantasy free to take the scene,
clean and purified through methods unseen,
blind but able to feel through the toes,
from the earth I was born so to her I go,
To experience the spices of life,
because I can't go feeling like I lived twice,
that other life that is far gone from me,
we don't share the same lifeline that set us free,
Free...the concept that eluded my grasp,
when one attains another is enslaved,
I'd rather be jailed and harshly derailed,
if it means helping another soul set sail,
To find the strength to stand to raise one's hand,
a victory captured in a grain of sand,
as it takes one out of millions to speak,
to change the world and be the best at our peak.

When you reach the mountain peak don't be afraid to,
speak you've earned it through your own right of will,
a testament to the power of the minds skill,
knowledge unattained from red or blue pills,
Unreal...is the language of the overdose,
the rush of chemicals to make you feel comatose,
and bed bound unable to feel or hear sound,
a young wasted mind ready to be grave bound,
So pray for a savior that she may kind,
to relax you like the sight of blue skies entwined,
a revelation let go of all that was confined,
a sign no more smoke in your lungs you'll breathe fine,
Inhale all thoughts and keep it deep in your heart,
for safe keeping as this world is demeaning,
so say what you will but may your words have weight,
hit em like a ton of bricks to make em contemplate,
Because the powers that be don't see you and me,
all they see is another clone in a vast majority,
so lets prove them wrong with our mighty souls song,
a fearless melody that will last forever long...

never finished

...this was supposed to help me out. maybe it kinda did because i dont know how to continue writing on it since ive passed my anger/frustration. i figure it isnt worth it being that angry and to finish writing it means re-living it and i dont want to be angry. especially not at you even though i have every right to be. its unfinished like most of what i write and i've intentionally mis-spelled two words but whatever here we go

i hope this doesnt fall on deaf ears
i'm realizing now that i have to be heard
to tell a story that's slightly absurd
now i'm trying to make sense
and straighten out my words
cuz for now they're just sort of stumbling out
when they should be on fire aimeed straight for her heart.
and i know theres a few who can relate to what im talking about.
so breathe in...
calm cool and steady...
WAIT FUCK THAT
this weapon is cocked back
and my words are aimeed and ready.
ready to explode
to spread my thoughts
that i've been trying to hold.
how could you...HOW COULD YOU!!!...
say those things that kept me strung along
every lyric had me believing every word of you song
when i was wrong
it was just a melody i wanted to hear
like keeping the song in my head
was a false pretense to keeping you near
because a girl like you was something i wanted to revere
you werent scared of lions tigers and bears
yet loving me was something scary
and so i was your silent secret that hid in closets and closed mouths
because you were too damn scared of speaking out
but little did they know you held my hand and called me baby
we hid under bed sheets and drove each other crazy
because behind closed doors you were mine
and for you that seemed fine
but my love doesnt cower and it doesnt place blame
so what we had is now burning up in flames
and i promised myself after this poem i recite
that i can forget you and what you were to me
as i blow these ashes out the mic.

lyric

so, truth is I can't write for sh*t. I've had a lot on my mind but the transition to paper is no bueno.
so instead I'll share 2 songs I've currently been hooked on.

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

(Yui - "AGAIN")

I still got a lot of years ahead of me to just erase these feelings.
I want to go back and finish the things I've yet to finish.

I was suppose to be chasing my ongoing dream.
Yet I faltered over others while walking this thin, winding path.

It's not that I want to return to those days.
I'm searching for the sky I lost.
Don't make that sad face, as if you've fallen victim.
as if you want people to pity you.

Tears aren't the end of your sins.
You have to bear them painfully, forever.
Who are you waiting for in the maze of emotions
where you can't even see the exit?
I want to blurt it out justly,
just like how I wrote in my white notebook
What do you want to run from?.
That thing called "reality"?

(Chorus:)
I just want to scream out,
"I'm only living to fulfill my wish." Can you hear me?
I can't take the safe way out of everything.
I don't even have a place to return to.
I'm always thankful for everyone's kindness,
that's why I want to become stronger. (I'm on the way)
This is reminding me of the old days.
This pain is all right with me.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

(SNSD - "Into the New World" : eng.)

I want to express this time of sadness
even if you hear it after the sadness is scattered.
close your eyes and try to feel my shaking heart
and see the glitter in my eyes when I face you.
Don't wait for a special miracle,
the street where we met is right in front of your eyes.
I can't change the future and habits that I don't know of;
I can't abandon them either.
Please protect me with unchanging love,
all the way up to my scarred heart.
There is no use for words within my gaze,
time has finally come to a stop.

(Chorus:)
I love you.
and at the end of my wandering,
I started to miss that feeling.
I will now say "Goodbye",
to the repeating sadness within this world.
On the many unknown roads,
I chase after that dim light.
No matter long it takes, It' something we'll do together!
After all, It's my world where we can meet again.

Don't wait for a special miracle,
the street where we met is right in front of your eyes.
I can't change the future and habits that I don't know of;
I can't abandon them either.
Please protect me with unchanging love,
all the way up to my scarred heart.
There is no use for words within my gaze,
time has finally come to a stop.

(Chorus)

Like this, I feel the dark night alone.
Your soft tender breathing
warms up the moment.
So that I can now express all my tremblings.

(Chorus 2:)
I love you.
and at the end of my wandering,
I started to miss that feeling.
I will now say "Goodbye",
to the repeating sadness within this world.
Even if I just think of you, I become stronger!
Please help me so that I don't cry
This moments feeling is something we made together
After all, it's out world where we can meet again.

king

i fell in love with steeze straight out of hip hop's jeans
in the belly of a beast, that's where hip hop sleeps
he lays next to me to meditate mentally
then eventually...
we build up a love that breaks all kinds of chemistry, physics, or any other science you can think of
cuz that's when true love began
and simple friendship switched off
see, i was just a baby
and well, he was already a man
getting ready to cup the world within the palm of his hand
so from then on
he became my reason of dress
the reason why i never get a steady beat coming from my chest
and yes...
that's where he is stationed
and he promised me that that's where he would stay put
i remember one day
i caught him whispering in another lover's ear
talking about, how he could love her for years
so i stop, rewind, and then i get played
and all i can think of was "...hoe."
see he gets around
but its because of him that i learned to be down and
common used to love her
and i still love him
erykah was the love of his life
and to me he's king
but he never bought me flowers or anything bling
cuz i bought that for myself
and thank god i found him cuz he instilled my sense of self
just like what travie said, and i quote
"to me she equaled MC squared and everything else was mathematics
i never took the time to practice"
but i never was a mathematics chump
so me and him, we had a linguistic love
and at age 10, i never planned to fall in love
that's just what instinct does
so i fell in love with steeze straight out of hip hop's jeans
and he'd be my king if only hip hop was a being

tryn to..

its been awhile since i posted..or even wrote .. sucks more that it took this to write..but hopefully its a start =)

***

ps3 and pizza. broken hearts and bali. heart and heal.

this is for the death of a once known home.
goodbye LA.

there you were in sunshine and heat,
an old home.
it was too easy to find comfort within your streets of complication -
there was an anxious exhale as i melted into your palms -
i tried place myself within your contradictions -
but instead at every turn you reminded me that i've left.

i ran away.
tears first, stumbling on my broken heart and surrounded by my fears mocking me.
"we win" they laughed
and all i could do was stare down in embarrassment
thinking my will would be enough to survive the trip into the source of my darkness, my everything.
i held my bag like it was the broken pieces of my heart
all i could collect
all that was left.
as i watched them break and fall from my eyes,
i could only but watch in agony
how quickly
how effortlessly
how naturally they gave up.

the sirens unravel in the emptiness of my failure.
they are thick, a choking poison - cancer of survival
i sit still in the remnants of your love diffused, burnt away.
how could one solitary place of strength change so much?
i turmoil within the crimson question of what, have i done?
where have i gone?
and how do i deal?

through slow sips of death to the body meaning quick death of the mind
through painful reminder of reality meaning realms wreck insights into my love
how do i endure the survival of my ghosts?
running into my psyche albeit my attempt to hide their eminence.
they haunt me into surrendering
i can only but submit to their melancholy musings.

my heart that has crawled in hope is dying.
it is being drained of all things beautiful and unrealized.
singlehandedly by the death of your promise,
it will soon not exist.
forever and ever.

overload principle

many are the hours that drag on like run on sentences
what it is can never explain what has compelled me to come to this
when drunken thoughts remain the same even after the alchy fades
and not even your sober mind can make sense of the masquerades
an awkward night sets up the following day's conversation
as you recall the things you wish you said had it been a different occasion
only your true friends can feel and witness your underlying heartaches
that are undermined by climate control, fake smiles and forced hand shakes
externally you're composed, but inside you're at a boil
as you try not to stare at the dried up dirt you once considered your rich soil
if everyday i nourished you with water, sunlight and flower seeds
and in the end the rose bloom was not destined to live for me
then i pray that God may count me ready when He deems so
and send me the most heavenly nourished love that comes matured enough to know
that every ounce of strength i've acquired from every struggle since
will be rewarded to me in the form of an appreciative, FAITHFUL & starlit prince.

promise

here's a drafted unfinished piece from 4/12/08 1:28 PM

i was inspired beyond the possibility of language
with each breath
i knew to take my deepest
inhaling in hopes to remember more
and an exhale to leave behind the bittersweet
and in passion i held it in
in hopes of prolonging the moment

...but the temporary state of my fleeting present
as it slipped to my past
and the future came too soon

i found sudden peace in his promises
that forever was nothing to fear at all
and pain was nothing more than a stutter
in beautiful song
i could still hear his melodic love
passing through me like a song

i couldn't remember the words
but my heart was in it

even through heartache
he still beat through my veins
i could still hear his melody
and it pulsed my heart back into one
strengthened by faith
strengthened by promise

a night left freely open to the darkness
only to prove that i could shine through like the stars
so i used the constellations
as my only constant
i followed their messages when i was lost
tired and weary
but i could never forget their shine
pushing me forward
and awakening to each new day
with a hope

of his promise of forever

and i knew i was never afraid.

i promised to love him forever
we began our journey from infinity
and counted backwards toward the end of days

aaahhhh blahblahblah

high six

super unfinished and not edited but its cool. oh and just to let you know i have six fingers on my right hand and only my right hand weirrrrrrrrd i know.

too often i stare at my hands
wondering
contemplating and differentiating
between what my hands tend to do
and what they intend to do
because there is a difference.
are they bound to a life
of meager work
that match their feminine stature?
or are they mean for that gritty shit
that's reflected from the scars and
grease that cover them.
Or perhaps does their misshapen symetry
have a particular use that has not been revealed to me?
Is their unique shape that missing
puzzle piece that makes my
hand fit yours in such a perfect manner
that i makes it hard to let you go?
I'd like my hands to have that unique ability
to change whatever it was I touched
from it's original form,
to something better.
I want them to leave imprints and impressions
so deep in whatever i touch
that they make caves in people's souls,
so that my song may resonate and
resound in them like and echo
that never fades.
my hands yearn for that touch so electric,
that they'd go numb in the instance
that we meet.
That kind of touch that sends a shock to
your heart and makes it skip a beat
or two
or three.
Thay want to be free
to explore the curves around that girl's face
and find their warmth entangled with her hair,
and maybe lose feeling from a bite on their
wrist.
As clumsy and faulty as my hands can be
they tend to find their confidence
during certain times.
Like when they are wrapped around a pen
dancing across pages
or when they are grasping tight
to a steering wheel.
or better yet
when they are shaky and inconfident
they find their strength when
they are clasped around yours
as if in the mids of their torrential trembling
they find a calm in the storm
when you happen to be around.

yeahhhhh

she is the song i cant get out of my head.
that tone that rings in your ears.
you've disrupted my highest
and lowest frequencies.
i've learned to only hear your song.

two minutes.

*this is no longer relevant. i wrote this a while ago while i was still lovey dovey with an ex.

I can’t paint a picture to tell you how I feel
But I can recite infinite words from infinite verses
And if for two minutes, you keep your lips sealed
I can recite you some emotions in two minute splurges
It could be me and you and our hands in between
And if I drew the hole in your heart, would you pencil me in?
I’ll create you a piece filled with nothing but whispers
In your ear, I want to…
Carelessly whisper
Sweet nothings until those nothings turn into quivers
A soft touch from our lips, they linger
But trust me, if I was just a little bit richer
I’d take you to all the galaxies
Ride a shooting star where your love can straddle me
Cradle me
In the grooves of your arms
Tell me I’m your queen and king you’re my star
Shooting distances where only your paper and my pen can meet
Like graffiti to a wall
You’re my blessing in the streets
And your heart, is my present in disguise
Silently asking to keep it by the look in my eyes
And I’ll mold your fingers to interlock with mine
Like I said in the last poem, we match
But this time it’s like good food and wine
The silhouette of our kiss is like love’s new design
And this is no longer child’s play
Cause we’re growing into refined
The syllables of your mouth are being embedded in my mind
And for some reason, that’s all I can say
It’s a night different from others with confessions made
And for tonight, I’ll wear my heart on my sleeves
Then morning, you’ll see it lay upon my jeans
Right next to “weak” whose house is in my knees
Three uttered words, let my heart be the mouth
Last confession made
My two minutes is almost out
So let me paint a picture with the words stumbling out
Let me scribble marks over yesterday’s doubts
And let me edit our emotions with today’s marks
Transform what we had into a modern day spark
And it’s pointless to tell you that I’m in love with art,
but I think you’ll like it when I say that the best part of your “heART” is the art.

freestyle.

ok soo...it's been forever since i've freestyled, so i wanted to try it again. i know it doesn't make sense or anything, but gotta keep the freestyle as raw as possible...i don't wanna read it again or else i'll edit it, so here goes...hope you likes...

------------

lynnerdz (1:45:18 AM): ...i was waiting for his green light
lynnerdz (1:45:26 AM): and i was so ready and set to go
lynnerdz (1:45:30 AM): i met him before daylight savings
lynnerdz (1:45:32 AM): the sun was still out
lynnerdz (1:45:46 AM): sun streaked days and i couldn't wait to watch them steal away to night
lynnerdz (1:45:54 AM): i'm down for this struggle of squinting my eyes
lynnerdz (1:46:00 AM): if it's him i'm tryna find through the moonlight
lynnerdz (1:46:06 AM): and there was something about the light
lynnerdz (1:46:10 AM): he always reminded me to search deeper for it
lynnerdz (1:46:17 AM): i figured it should've been more obvious maybe
lynnerdz (1:46:23 AM): more mysterious maybe
lynnerdz (1:46:27 AM): even more hidden in a sense
lynnerdz (1:46:32 AM): and maybe i'd know where to find it
lynnerdz (1:46:33 AM): maybe
lynnerdz (1:46:39 AM): ...but then again i was squinting
lynnerdz (1:46:45 AM): searching too hard for what should've been obvious
lynnerdz (1:46:51 AM): it was, after all...only daylight
lynnerdz (1:47:03 AM): and he was ready to save me away from the days i left behind in the past
lynnerdz (1:47:08 AM): i'm ready to struggle through the sunlight
lynnerdz (1:47:13 AM): just as long as it's his warmth i'm feeling
lynnerdz (1:47:27 AM): it's sickening almost how sweet he makes me wanna be
lynnerdz (1:47:33 AM): like too much candy i can't stomach the thought
lynnerdz (1:47:36 AM): and maybe...
lynnerdz (1:47:38 AM): maybe...
lynnerdz (1:47:45 AM): maybe it would make more sense if i had him in smaller doses
lynnerdz (1:47:49 AM): i'm down for the balance
lynnerdz (1:47:56 AM): just as long as he's the one keeping me grounded
lynnerdz (1:48:02 AM): founded on this floored mentality of his existence
lynnerdz (1:48:07 AM): it's dope tho i have to admit
lynnerdz (1:48:11 AM): watching him shine through my life
lynnerdz (1:48:15 AM): just like daylight
lynnerdz (1:48:17 AM): and maybe...
lynnerdz (1:48:25 AM): maybe he'll shine me back to reality
lynnerdz (1:48:37 AM): and then i had to remember it was only daylight savings
lynnerdz (1:48:47 AM): i could only fall back onto what already existed
lynnerdz (1:48:54 AM): his breath was all i could remember tho
lynnerdz (1:49:13 AM): springing me forward into that reality
lynnerdz (1:49:16 AM): i'm tired i guess
lynnerdz (1:49:28 AM): and after losing an hour
lynnerdz (1:49:29 AM): or two
lynnerdz (1:49:33 AM): and gaining it back again
lynnerdz (1:49:37 AM): maybe he didn't save me at all
lynnerdz (1:49:43 AM): from the light i was squinting too hard to see
lynnerdz (1:49:47 AM): he just caught me in mid fall
lynnerdz (1:49:54 AM): he saved daylight...not me.

hella down.

...i'm hella down for all this uncertainty
just as long as you're not sure either
i'm down to never find what i'm looking for
just as long as you're holding my hand as we search
life -- i'm hella down to go through this journey with you...

lovelovelove

[unfinished, as always]

i stole his glances
locked them away in my eyelids
so he'd always get lost in my eyes
looking for them in each stare
i took his breath away
and kept it inside my heart
so anytime it would skip a beat
i'd use his exhale to revive me
back to consciousness
but even then
if he was the reality i had to face
face to face
lip to lip
i'd wake up to
i'd love to wake up, too
and it was he
that made it difficult to dream
he - the walking paradox
my living complication
of love's blind simplicity

Invitation for HellaPoetic:

Thanks Mike for letting me get on this blog. I may not be a poet, but maybe some of my art can influence someones poem. Well if dinosaurs are your thing..haha. Anyways, i wanted to take the time to post an invitation to poets in the bay area:

The Individual Collective gallery is searching for local poets and spoken word artists to showcase their talent at the new venue in downtown Vallejo. Message me back ASAP if you are interested in taking part of this event. The flier is in the works so the sooner you message, guarantees a spot on the flier.

Title: Individual Collective presents…HellaPoetic
Hosts: Dyno and Ave
Where: IC Gallery
When: Friday, March 27,2009
Time:7-10pm

Emcee: Mandeep Sethi

Evening sounds by: DJ Rod Roc

Performers so far: Ave, Eileen Hidalgo, Earnest, and more.

Details: Individual Collective is presenting HellaPoetic featuring bay area poets and spoken word artists. The event is also including live art by Individual Collective and an acoustic performance by Swim to Sydney. In addition the topics of love, sex, and relationships will be covered by James and Marc of Lexationships.

"**Video Interviews w/ White Slough Residents**".

This isn't really a piece, but nonetheless, it's sentiments from the soul.

Vallejo homeless residents have been socially invisible for far too long. If you haven't heard, the homeless residents of the White Slough, a marshland area behind Sonoma Blvd., were "evicted" on Friday, 3/6/09 from their dwellings without any alternatives or aid. It's not the fault of the police or the city per say - it's our entire city's fault. And now we need to work together to find solutions. By advocating for our vulnerable homeless population, we're practicing real compassion and community, plus we'd be improving the quality of life in the city for ALL.

============================

From ServeOurVallejoHomeless.blogspot.com:

We feel that it's absolutely essential to hear from the residents themselves. We need to hear their stories. Marc Garman of Vallejo Independent Bulletin and community volunteer Doug Darling did some great work capturing sentiments shared by the some of the White Slough residents. But the real work was done by the homeless residents who resiliently continue to endure. Special thanks to those who graciously shared their stories with the public. Footage was shot on 3/4/09 and can be found at http://ibvallejo.com/ or http://vimeo.com/3497529.

We hope this adds a deeper human dimension to the oversimplified "issue" of homelessness in Vallejo.


White Slough Homeless Encampment--3/4/09 from Marc Garman on Vimeo.

To help, visit ServeOurVallejoHomeless.blogspot.com
or email ServeOurVallejoHomeless@gmail.com

Peace and Godspeed!

this is nothing great.. this post is due to this very shitty monday..

do you really need to validate my worth through another person?

i’m choking, kicking, palpitating,

fighting, crying,

begging, and

yelling…………………. silently……………..

for answers that you can’t seem to provide me.

ah, to write again.

i feel like fucking up,
i'm aware that i'm in deep enough to hurt the both of us,
but, amor...i'm just scared.
because if we last long enough to somehow make the rest of our lives work,
i can't imagine the sacrifices that would have to be made.
one of us has to give up all that we've been working for.
so,
amor,
what should we be living towards?
i'm caged from all directions in this United System,
been climbing for higher education,
trying to reach the top of this metal only to awake everyday for with a sunny view of captivity;
been flying through time for bullshit i'm trying to be passionate about,
but only you inspire me nowadays.
it's all i know so, how can i leave this way? i won't ever want you to stay.
but, i admit,
i can't even dream anymore without you;
soon...again, soon, your overworked, two jobs back to back arms will be holding me in whatever little pool of seconds the world allows us to bask in.
i'm about let a beautiful brown brother feel that i'm falling in love with him all over, yet again.
'cause the scent of your tired skin and happy heart affect my tastebuds and
your name falls like honey from my lips for any reason.
i work harder, step happier, stand stronger,
knowing that when i relax into your tired bones, i deserve to be living beside you.
so sweet is this simple love, progressing all naturally.
and quite suddenly,
i understand why baduism states,
"you be boy and i'll be girl."
i've seen this in the world and this feeling is not new to me.
universe, ---he places me in his heart unfiltered;
sediments of shortcomings and regrets broken down by his hands towards these confusions of worth, clear like sudden epiphanies.
this is a simple romance,
cleansing purified water flaming ice through your chest.
it is not new to me,
but this happiness is.
this worry is.
everyday is suddenly new.


(this is incomplete.
plug: check out my radio show every tuesday 11AM to noon, KSFS.SFSU.EDU
listen to me talk stupid, play some jams, and occasionally do some words spoken!) hehe.

still pretty rough around the edges